Over the past few years, any time a celebrity couple announces that they’re breaking up, we’ve dug deep, deep into our skin-tight jean pockets and pulled out a crumpled, decaying piece of paper. Smoothing it out onto our mahogany writing desks, we brought this tattered shred up to our nostrils, inhaled its scent, and stared at it lovingly: A photo of Heidi Klum and Seal. It didn’t matter whose marriages were splitting up, whose infidelities came to light, whose drug and alcohol habits became too much to bear. As long as these two crazy kids could make it, life would remain as harmonious as the opening chords to “Kiss From A Rose.”
But this weekend, the image on that photo disappeared Back To The Future II style as word started to spread: German supermodel Heidi Klum and “Seriously, you guys, he has that’s not even funny” R&B singer Seal , parents of four, are to be divorced. See, here’s the thing: When you make the decision to renew your vows every single year after you’ve been married, we’re gonna be kind of pissed when you claim one of you has “anger problems.” Maybe try not to set the bar so high next insanely gorgeous celebrity interracial European couple?
The news cuts deep, and makes me have second thoughts about my own relationship. (With feta cheese. It’s complicated!) So, to soothe those who, like me, are finding it hard to get out of it bed this morning with a case of the old “ennuis,” I offer you this list of 10 Things Left To Live For Now That Heidi And Seal Are Divorcing.
I don’t even watch Downton Abbey (I know, I’m taking care of it, relax), and frankly, that’s nearly enough for me to get out of bed tomorrow morning. Alls I know is: It’s British, it’s classy, and it’s 88 hours long, which is 88 hours I don’t have to think about the fact that love might be dead.
Who doesn’t love brunch? Hungover, lazy, late breakfast is a gift from God. I mean, look at those lucky people! They don’t give a f*ck. BRUNCH.
This dog is a genius, and an easy agreeable choice for something to live for. Unless you’re Eddie from Frasier, in which case this is your “Brooks Was Here” moment.
I mean guys, EARTH IS SO AMAZING! These penguins don’t even know who or what Seal is, except for the deadly predator version that will one day eat them alive. Cute!!
Nothing like the pain of getting tramped in front of $2 waffle irons to remind you that there’s still some feeling left.
The best show on TV right now? I’d say yes. Watching the ghost of Paula Deen teach young children how to dance while doing her best Large Marge impression has now become our #1 guilty pleasure, seeing as we can no longer pleasure ourselves to photos of Heidi Klum and Seal.
Fabric Softener smells sooooooo deliciousssss. I mean, let me tell you what I don’t like: Hard clothes. You know what takes care of that? Yes. Sometimes I drink a shnit of it before hitting the bars. My breath smells like the breeze.
What I drink after I hit the bars. Boxes of wine are genius: Portable, full of wine. That’s it. I myself just invested in a Hobo Bag that is actually a brilliant box of wine carrier. This isn’t because I have a drinking problem, it’s because I have a making love to strangers problem. Speaking of which:
What else do we have if not for intercourse, which is completely awesome, whether or not Heidi and Seal are married? It’s the only reason not to get out of bed in the morning AMIRITE? Ed. Note: It’s jokes like that that prevent me from having more intercourse. I’m working on it guys!!
