My pal Jesus over at DrunkenStepfather has alerted me to perhaps the best job on the planet: Being an on-air sales host for QVC, “The Classier Shopping Network for the Wealthy Elderly.” According to the casting announcement, QVC insists on the following requirements:

Host must be energetic, upbeat, intelligent and enthusiastic with a natural curiosity. You must have a passion and drive for sales as well as be a quick thinker and good listener. Hosts should be friendly, credible, entertaining sincere and sophisticated with a sense of style and fashion.

Well, that’s not asking for too much.

So to help any (and all) of you interested in getting hired, we’d like to offer you the following tips: The Do’s and Don’ts of Selling Things on QVC. (Print this out and take with you to audition, trust us.) Let’s get started:

DO: Bleach your teeth.

The list of Do’s and Don’ts Continue Ahead.

DON’T: Bleach your face.

DO: Invite celebrity guests.

DON’T: Be Paula Abdul.

DO: Be cordial to your customers on air.

DON’T: “Go long.”

DO: Dress up for the camera.

DON’T: Come to work looking like this:

DO: Make the product the star of the show.

DON’T: Show off on a ladder.

DO: Drink plenty of water under the warm lights.

DON’T: Faint.

DO: Demonstrate the product with ease.

DO NOT: Put down the Jews.

DO: Realize that even hosting a show called DIRTY JOBS is a better gig than shilling lava lamps, Mike Rowe:

DON’T: Seriously, STAY AWAY FROM LADDERS.

Follow these tips, and YOU could be the next presenter on QVC! Good luck!