Mercifully, 24 wrapped up this week, capping what many people would say was its worst season ever. These are people who have short memories. Sure this season had Jack showing up in a ridiculous yak beard and included Audrey Raines cowering like the boy who’d been raised by wolves, but a quick glance at our list of The 10 Most Ludicrous Moments In The History Of 24 reveals that, mathematically speaking, the current season isn’t the absolute worst. Season two was equally as bad! Both of those seasons earned three shout-outs on the list. Congratulations to them! Read on to find out answers to such burning questions as: How many times did Elisha “Cougar Bait†Cuthbert make the list?
1. Teri Bauer gets amnesia (Day 1, 3 pm)
Teri was having a rough day–you know, what with offering to be raped by terrorists in place of her daughter—so when she thought she and Kim had escaped from bad guys only to watch Kim’s car roll off a cliff and explode, she passed out. And all the emotional trauma gave her amnesia. I repeat: AMNESIA. In the annals of hackneyed storytelling there is no plot device worse than amnesia. Well, except maybe the evil twin. So stay tuned: At the rate we’re going, we’ll probably see that next season.
2. Jack dies (Day 2, 3 am)
While enduring severe torture in a hospital clinic, Jack totally pusses out and dies. Officially. He’s hooked up to an EKG and the dude flatlines. The show is over. The main character is dead. So I guess the producers are just going to… end the show here? Oh wait, they’re in a hospital and there’s a doctor on hand who somehow miraculously brings Jack back to life! Which just lets his captors torture him some more. But don’t worry, a little death isn’t enough to stop Jack Bauer. He quickly recovers and murders his tormentors.
3. Wayne Palmer comes out of a coma to avert a nuclear strike (Day 6, 8 pm)
An insider assassination attempt has left President Wayne Palmer in a coma. And despite the fact that the nuclear bombs on US soil have been contained, the Vice President is still intent on launching a nuclear strike on a Middle Eastern country. So Karen Hayes and Wayne’s sister decide to avert the war by bringing the president out of his coma–even though that just might kill him. And the doctor agrees! No one says, “Wait! Stop! You shouldn’t do something that may kill the president! Because he’s the president!” So of course, the president’s vital signs crash, the unjustified nuclear attack is moments away from being launched, it looks like all is about to be lost… and then Wayne Palmer regains consciousness at the last second to call off the strike! The sheer annoyance of this moment is topped only by the one, three hours later, when Wayne falls back into his damn coma again.
4. A cougar stalks Kim Bauer (Day 2, 6 pm)
Here’s the moment that made Kim the most hated character in 24 history. After causing the wreck of the police car that was transporting her and her boyfriend, Kim stumbles into a forest alone–where she’s soon caught in an animal trap and menaced by a cougar. A cougar! Kim is the only character inept enough to find a way to become endangered by wildlife in a show that’s supposed to be about terrorism.
5. Chloe brings a baby into CTU (Day 3, 10 pm)
Jack has broken a drug lord out of prison, he and Chase are currently in Mexico facing imminent death and Nina Meyers has resurfaced with a weaponized virus capable of killing millions. There’s a lot going on at CTU, so it’s really poor form when Chloe brings a baby into the office and tries to hide it under her desk. What’s going on here? You’re telling me this woman can instantly reposition U.S. spy satellites but she can’t locate a nanny? Oh, and the baby turns out to be Chase’s, but Kim didn’t know he had a child… awkward.
6. Erin Driscoll ignores impending nuclear holocaust for quality time with her schizophrenic daughter (Day 4, 1 pm)
Hey, CTU Director Erin Driscoll, there are 17 nuclear reactors about to melt down across the country endangering tens of millions of American lives and your team is the nation’s only hope to shut them down, what are you up to now? Um, you seem to be sitting in the CTU hospital because your schizophrenic daughter wants you to just kind of hang out and keep her company. Why would you possibly do this? Oh right, because five hours later she’ll kill herself after deciding you don’t love her anymore. Trust us, it’s best she’s gone.
7. The Vice President sleeps with an aide who sleeps with a spy (Day 6, 12 am)
In a sign of what a complete soap opera the show has become, we learn that the Vice President—who has just had his nuclear strike canceled, who has just tried to have the president removed from office, who has just learned that he won’t be blackmailed into resigning because the president has slipped back into a coma—is totally horny. A sample of the dialogue between the VP and the aide we learn he’s having an affair with:
VP: I have the fate of Western world and the lives of millions of Americans hanging in the balance and I can’t stop thinking about you.
Aide: I’m not sure if this is appropriate behavior Mr. Acting President.
VP: Why don’t you call the media and tell them the acting President is a dirty old man.
Aide: They already know.
So hot! And then an hour later we learn the aide is also boffing a Russian spy. But to be fair, I’d be looking for some commie side lovin’ too if subjected to dirty talk as bas as the VP’s.
8. Jack cuts off Chase’s arm (Day 3, 12 pm)
You see, a terrorist had clamped a bomb containing a virus onto Chase’s arm and it was about to blow. What could Jack do besides cut Chase’s arm off? With an axe. I mean, it’s cool, Chase told him to do it. Then Jack went and threw the virus arm into a refrigerator so it wouldn’t hurt anybody. Makes total sense.
9. Kim returns to the house of a murderer (Day 2, 5 am)
After surviving a day that includes snatching a child away from her abusive father, being arrested when police find the child’s mother dead in their car trunk, causing the wreck of a police car, surviving a convenience store robbery and being menaced by a cougar (See entry No. 2), Kim is safely in police custody. So what does she do? She stops by the home of her friendly neighborhood child abuser/murderer. You know, just to pick up some stuff. And, of course, he’s there. And, of course, he kills her police escort. Kim ends up putting a bullet in the guy, but it would have eased our pains more if she’d just put one in herself.
10. A nuclear bomb detonates in Los Angeles and panic fails to ensue (Day 6, 9 am)
So a nuclear bomb goes off in Los Angeles just after the morning commute. Thousands are dead, people are at work separated from their families, radiation is in the air, and… Nobody panics? Sure, that makes total sense in L.A., a city well known for its ability to restrain the urge to riot. Nobody even tries to flee the city, which lets Jack and Co. spend the whole day driving around like it’s a Sunday afternoon. Could it be that after all the nuclear detonations in earlier seasons, Americans are so used to nuclear blasts that it doesn’t even phase them anymore? Next season, can Jack spend his day fighting the zombies that must have been created by all this nuclear fallout?
