- Spongebob Squarepants reaches new levels of “What the F**kness?” on Monday, when an episode starring David F**king Bowie(?!?!?) drew the biggest audience in the show’s 8 year history. That is until next week, when Freddie Mercury will resurface from the dead to star in a very special episode of “Spongebob Glitterpants and the Bikini Bottomed Girls.”
- Rumer Willis has been named Miss Golden Globe, while her chin will be conducting red carpet interviews for E! (Will these jokes ever get old, people? Why, yes, they already have.) Also, how jealous is Talula right now?
- In an act of extreme generosity, David Letterman has decided to pay salary to his staff out of his own pocket, as the Writer’s Strike has shut down production. To thank him, teach your dog how to do his taxes and bring him on the show!
- Sorry, ladies! Black Skeletor is officially off the market!
- Kanye West is apparently in denial over the death of his mother Donda, following her cosmetic surgery over the weekend.
- Santas in Australia have been warned not to use the term “Ho Ho Ho”, as it could be offensive to women. Instead, Aussie Clauses will say “Ha Ha Ha”, though chances are they’re laughing at what a ho you are, girl.
- Finally, like turkey? Own a bible? Congratulations, you’re American! Now go throw your wifebeater on the washboard out back, it’s startin to look yellah.
