11:00: Well, here we are: The new season of The Price is Right begins, sans our childhood crush Bob Barker, and in his place, comedian Drew Carey. Expectations are high, and thing aren’t helped when the announcer introduces him as “The star of the Price is Right, Drew Carey!” Star? Already? Let’s relax, producers, he’s the “host”. Give him at least 6 months of gainful employment before tacking the “star” moniker onto him.
11:01: The crowd is going nuts! That’s good to hear and see. And the first prize is… a scuba set! Diving tank included! I am salivating. I need to get on this show.
11:01: Drew Carey keeps saying the word “Man”, as in, “Great job, man.” Or “Man, what a crowd.” Or like “Man, you are the luckiest bastard in Hollywood.” He also keeps playing with the flap on his left jacket pocket. Quite the difference from Barker’s nervous tics, which included having to regain his breath and hating black people.
11:02: A goliath of a man named Bernard runs onto the stage, and has the chance to win the sort of Jeep that even Barbie has difficulty fitting into. The guy actually goes right over to the car to inspect it, before he’s even won. Bob would never stand for these antics.
11:03: We’re playing “Money Game”, a notoriously difficult pricing game, where contestants must pick 2 numbered cards to guess the first two and last two digits in the price of the vehicle. Bernard’s wife is standing up in the crowd, helping him along, and sure enough — he wins! It should be noted that Drew, upon lifting the final winning card out of the slot, did it with such a lazy casualness that it really took away from the win. None of that slow, labored suspense Barker was such a pro at. More of an “Is it under here? It is!” and that was that. What ever happened to class?
11:06: A new contestant, and a pretty spiffy side-by-side stainless freezer. It’s huge — the perfect thing to hide your husband’s decomposing corpse in. What? Forget it. A small, sensitive woman names Peggy wins. She is already crying. F**k, it’s way too early for this.
11:08: It’s Cliffhanger! One of my favorite old school games, where a cardboard Sylvester Stallone climbs up a cardboard mountain and tries to avoid a cardboard John Lithgow. And the prize is a trip to Bali, the most beautiful place on Earth to get blown up by an Islamic fundamentalist. (”We Put Da Fun in Da Mentalist!”) The contestant, Peggy, insists on calling our little mountain climbing buddy “Yodelman”. Nice to see that the Cliffhanger set looks much the same that it did in the Old Barker Days — they didn’t turn the mountain climber into a Total Recall hologram or anything.
After the jump, more of the liveblogging, including the first headscarf we’ve ever seen on The Price is Right, the ugliest Showcase Showdown set imaginable, and the ugliest clock we’ve ever seen in our lives.
11:10: Carey’s energy is sort of startling. When Peggy guesses the price of an electronic Su Doku game exactly right, he screams out “Yesss!” as though he were at a Lakers game. I predict 11 elderly heart attacks before 08.
11:12: Peggy guesses the price of an old-timey phone exactly right — and wins! We barely get any “Yodeling” from the Yodelman! Drew’s presence needs work too — He keeps rocking back and forth, shuffling his feet, and generally cracking up. Unbeknownst to him, most of America does not find this charming or endearing, rather slappable. Probably just nerves, but still notable.
11:14: Contestant Qondira Ali is called up, and wow, she’s wearing a headscarf over her head. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s just something that’s never been scene on The Price is Right before. Yet more proof that Bob Barker is a racist? Or is it that Muslim’s heart Drew Carey? Answers would be appreciated.
11:15: A contestant named Aura comes up from contestant’s row and freaks out. (Who am I to judge? If I’m ever lucky enough to be in the TPIR audience, I plan on wearing floor-length “excitement” diapers.) She tells Drew she “loves him” and he responds “I like you as a friend.” Please, Bob would have had his hand up her shirt by now.
11:16: Aura finds out she can win up to $16,000, and DOES A CARTWHEEL!! Did casting folks loot the local asylum? This is crazed! And, ugh, it’s the Grocery Game. :( If only you could rewind cartwheels.
11:17: This is a big test. Will Drew do the “Check if you’re a winner… ask you a question” fakeout? Aaaaand he doesn’t. Sigh.
11:20: Quote of the show so far, courtesy of Drew Carey: “It’s caplets, for constipation and stuff. And this is cat food.”
11:21: Instead of the “Ask a Question” fakeout, Drew guides her hand to the knob (shudder) and lets her press it. And she wins $16,000. And immediately goes into cardiac arrest. No, really, she fully lays down on the ground…
11:23: The Big Wheel!! The first wheel spinner of Drew Carey’s first episode happens to hit $1.00…. rigged much?
11:28: On the new “hip” set: It seems they’re going for some sort of Vegas/Oceans 11 thing, with a purple backdrop of jester’s diamonds. It kind of looks like a comedy club from the 80’s… how apropos.
11:30: Everyone is CRAZY PUMPED to get on stage! It’s suspicious, all right.
11:31: Ugh, Easy as 1-2-3, a bad pricing game with sh**ty prizes. Like, a wrought iron floor clock that looks like it came from the Beetlegeuse estate.
11:32: Holy ess, that floor clock costs $1375! Nice to know there is still a market for the “Wealthy Blind.” What time is it? Time to redecorate and/or clean your guide dog.
11:35: We got our first college student on stage!! And aw, she’s in a sorority. Somewhere, Bob Barker’s erection is crying. The prize is a new Ford Focus, and the game is the seriously difficult One Away. And her name is Amor. And my whole office is laughing.
11:37: Oh. My God. For the first time this episode, I am seriously offended. Now, in the “Good Old Days” (read: Days until B-Barksies was fired), the way to find out if picked the right numbers was by saying “Gentlemen, do I have at least one number right.” (If you were a man, you would address them as ladies. Equal opportunity horn honkers.) Then, if you did, you would hear a little car horn honk. You kept asking until they stopped honking the horn, at which point you’d either 1. Gotten all 5 numbers corrects or 2. Had to change your price in accordance with how many numbers were wrong.
Well, Drew (or one of the producers) has decided to change this process. So now, rather than addressing them as “Gentlemen” and “Ladies”, this is the protocol (quoted directly from Carey):
Here’s how to find out if you have one number right. We have a sound effects person who that’s very egotistic and really needs a lot of attention. So you have to say “Oh mighty sound effects person do I have a number right.”
Where are the Ladies? Are the Gentlemen all dead? WHAT KIND OF A WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN WHEN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AREN’T HONKING OUR HORNS! Madness,
11:41: The next game is Barker’s Bargain Bar, which Drew explains is named after Ezekiel Barker. Fine… it’s not a bad joke. Here’s one nice new moden prize: An Apple computer. Also, we sort of wish Ryan Stiles was one of the Barker Beauties… he’s so damn pretty!
11:43: It’s a perfect show! A perfectly rigged show? I wonder.
11:46: Sorority girl is asked if she has anyone to say hello to, she responds “Uh… Debbie (pointing into the audience) and… my Mom.” Sad, she only has two friends! What happened to the Sigma Kappa girls or whatever? And guess what? She also hits a $1! Props to the intern standing in the back of the wheel and stopping it on command – you’re a pro!
11:51: Oh. My. God. The Showcase Showdown set is HEIN TRAIN! It’s purple and green and looks like a public access backdrop. There is some sort of cheap hologram tape surrounding the little price podium… it’s a gypsy nightmare.
11:51: Poor Amor! The first prize up in her Showcase Showdown is some ugly furniture. Who the hell wants to win furniture on this show?
11:52: Dear Lord, it gets worse! Her next prize is a collection of towels! Ugly patterned towels that look like the perfect shmate to wipe up baby puke with. And finishing off the first Showcase is a waverunner, making this the worst prize package since the time they sent one man on an all-expense paid donkey ride in the Andes. Amor, smarly, passes to Peggy.
11:53: Now, it’s officially Amor’s prize package, with the theme “Old Wives Tales”, and it kicks off with an HDTV, followed up by a hot tub (presented by a Barker Beauty whose face is 85 percent unwrinkled poison), and a TRAILER. The Price is Right: Housing America’s Poor College Students since 1965.
11:56: And Amor wins!! Winning a total of over $45,000! Drew hold true to his promise to keep America’s puppies and kittens, well, not alive, by encouraging people to spay or neuter their animals.
11:57: And that’s it. 50 more years of this? I can’t deal or no deal. I am dead inside. Thank you CBS. We’ll never forgive you.
