Kevin Jonas got engaged to his longtime girlfriend Danielle Deleasa yesterday. Deleasa will immediately enter the Witness Protection Program and surround herself with dozens of round-the-clock, groupie-repelling security guards.- According to Forbes, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston were the top two earning actresses over the past year. The clear message: Getting f***ed by Brad Pitt is nice work if you can get it.
- An Indian court officially decriminalized consensual gay sex, repealing an anti-sodomy law originally put in place by British colonials in 1860. Next up – repealing the 1860 “Photographs Are Illegal Because They Steal Your Soul” Act.
- Universal is planning a feature film adaptation of the Arcade game Asteroids. The movie will be remembered fondly by children from the 80s, but they’ll get bored and switch over to the Q-Bert movie after one quarter.
- Courtney Love vows to gain 15 pounds over the next month. I’m picturing a movie montage with “I’m Too Sexy” playing, a bunch of ice cream eating, and Kirstie Alley in a referee’s outfit.
JulyThursday
While You Were Celebrating Your Country’s Independence By Blowing Up A Small Part Of It
MayFriday
While You Were Waiting To Slip “That’s A Dealbreaker, Ladies” Into Your Daily Conversation
- Universal is adapting a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde movie, with Keanu Reeves attached to star. The Dr. Jekyll half will be played by a much better actor, obviously.
- Kiefer Sutherland turned himself into authorities yesterday following his alleged headbutting incident. I’m still predicting that the secretary of defense is behind this whole thing…
- Paris Hilton says she uses Google instead of a diary. I’m not sure how those two things are exclusive — she also uses pie instead of cardboard.
- Police investigated a death threat to Washington Capitals superstar Alexander Ovechkin posted on a Pittsburgh Penguins fan message board. With all due respect to authorities, we’re talking about an online message board — I’ve gotten death threats on BWE for misspelling the name of Lost characters.
- Also, if any of you were looking for Paul Scheer yesterday, he was indoors organizing his Moonraker trading cards. Hopefully this caused no inconvenience.
MarchMonday
Even SCI-FI Channel Embarrassed To Admit It Watches SCI-FI Channel; Changes Name To “Syfy”
The SCI-FI channel is officially changing its name to “Syfy” in an attempt to alienate its current fans while also failing to attract a broader audience. I can only imagine one possible reason for this seemingly pointless and impractical decision, which I will illustrate via the following hypothetical situation that definitely occurred:
[NIGHTCLUB ON EAST 57th ST, MANHATTAN - FRIDAY, 1:30 a.m.]
SCI-FI EXECUTIVE: Hey there – can the Executive VP of a television station buy you a drink?
23-YEAR-OLD ASPIRING MODEL: Sure.
SCI-FI EXECUTIVE: The wife’s not a big fan of me coming to the city on weekends, but us high-up tv executives have to work long hours, you know? Hahaha…Plus I wouldn’t want to leave my apartment on Central Park West empty for the weekend…
23-YEAR-OLD ASPIRING MODEL: So what network do you work for?
SCI-FI EXECUTIVE: One drink comin’ right up! Sooooo what are you, a model or something? We’re always looking for attractive young individuals on the tv station that I run.
23-YEAR-OLD ASPIRING MODEL: What station do you run?
SCI-FI EXECUTIVE: What’s that? Tough to hear in here – with all this, you know, music. So have you ever considered acting? Cause if you have, I’m definitely the guy to talk to, being a tv executive and all…
23-YEAR-OLD ASPIRING MODEL: For what tv station?
SCI-FI EXECUTIVE: That’s right, a tv station.
FebruaryThursday
While You Were Battling A Time Travel Nosebleed
- Universal has greenlighted a Candy Land movie as the latest leg of its deal with Hasbro. SPOLER ALERT: The film ends with a double purple.
- A Colorado man robbed a 7-11 clerk with a Bat’leth, a bladed Klingon weapon from Star Trek. And the J.J. Abrams viral marketing for Star Trek begins…
- Fringe co-stars Anna Torv and Mark Valley got married after several months of secretly dating. Cuuuuuuuutteeee!!!! Now if only we can work on getting Sam Waterston and S. Epatha Merkerson together…
- The woman who gave birth to octuplets last week already had six kids prior to her divorce a year ago. She is also a cat.
- Last but extremely not least, posts like this list of video games re-imagined with classic covers are what make this internet life worth living.
OctoberMonday
…OF THE DAY
- ROLLER COASTER TYCOONS: The Dow Jones soared a “nearly inconceivable” 936 points today, which is really awesome news for that $130 I have stashed away in my 401k. (Associated Press)
- BETTER THAN GOOD N’ PLENTY: Sorry, Amy Winehouse, but if you want to shock us at this point, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than making cocaine candy in your cotton candy machine. Call us back when you drop a baby in there. (WWTDD)
- HOTDORSEMENT: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel rallied for Obama in Las Vegas today, although if they really cared, they could’ve just sealed the election by f*cking in front of everyone. (Us Magazine)
- UNIVERSAL SOLDIER – THE ACQUISITION: NBC/Universal is striking a deal to distribute Dreamworks movies, meaning that we’re now down to five companies existing in the world. Also, Microsoft is merging with Viacom and Coca-Cola is set to merge with Disney. (Defamer)
- TODAY’S BOX OFFICE NEWS: In its second week of release, Beverly Hills Chihuahua still outgrossed Body of Lies at the box office (Hollywood Reporter)
- TOMORROW’S BOX OFFICE NEWS: Body of Lies Director/Producer Ridley Scott has shot himself.
JulyMonday
GUESS THE PUN HEADLINES: NBC Purchases The Weather Channel Edition
The following is a list of the best weather-related pun headlines about NBC Universal’s purchase of The Weather Channel today; I’ve also sprinkled in three of my own made-up pun headlines about the story. See if you can figure out which ones they are! (HINT: Mine link to videos of sleepy kittens. HINT II: They’re the best ones):
One Accurate Prediction: NBC U Buys Weather Channel
NBC fronts $3.2bn Weather Channel purchase
NBC blows Weather Channel away with “windfall” offer
Will fortune shine on deal for The Weather Channel?
NBCU Reins in the Weather with $3.2B
NBC Universal strikes a sunny deal for the Weather Channel
Weather Clears: NBCU, Bain, Blackstone Sign Purchase Agreement
Weather Channel defies climate with sale
Weather deal brightens NBC forecast
Weather Channel Under NBCU’s Umbrella
Weather Network: A forecast for deals to come
Any more we’re missing? Feel free to leave your own weather-related pun headlines in the comments, lazy or otherwise!
FebruaryWednesday
Top 10 Hasbro Toys We’d Like To See Made Into Movies
Universal signed an exclusive six-year, four-picture deal with Hasbro today, but with a G.I. Joe movie and a Transformers sequel already in the works, what other Hasbro toys are they going to make into feature films? Here are our Ten Suggestions:
10. Battleship
Starring: Clive Owen as Admiral Somerville, Liam Neeson as Admiral Donitz
Opposing British and German admirals take turns firing torpedos at very specific locations where they believe the other’s ships to be located. While attempting to fire shots in the pattern of a penis, the British admiral stumbles upon the German cruiser, and quickly triumphs after realizing that the German boats are arranged to spell “HI”.
9. Mouse Trap
Starring: Christopher Lee as the Ratcatcher, Andy Serkis as the Mouse, Sean Astin as the Green Man
A stirring special effects masterpiece directed by Peter Jackson in which a CGI’d, motion-captured mouse must escape the elaborate machine concocted by Christopher Lee, a diabolical scientist who doesn’t really know any rules but loves playing with the trap he took forever to build. The movie is three hours long because the green man and the net keep not working, but after the mouse escapes very easily, the villain just says f*ck it and uses the trap on his M.U.S.C.L.E. Men.
