Last night, The Real Housewives of The O.C. came to a dramatic close, and in true amazing Bravo form, it led right into the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New York – kind of like The O.C., but cattier, and more brunette.
As per tradition, I phoned up my dear mother, Judy Collins of Miami, Florida, to get her opinion about both episodes. Judy was in a bit of a rush this evening, as her and my father have a new kitten to attend to.
So let’s begin with the amazing finale of The O.C. Housewives: A Giant Party, Slutty Dresses, Drunk Children and a F**king Divorce.
Judy begins: “The setting was like paradise! Oh my God. I was happy to see Jeanna. And let me tell you: I was so glad that she’s fatter than me. That, I think, made my evening. Here is an ex-Playboy bunny and she’s fatter than me! Now Vicky… that dress… my coworker emailed me and thought it was hot, but I don’t know. Some people think that dimples are pretty. Gretchen? I didn’t like when she came with the white dress and they were making fun of her. So what?? She came to a nice summer party. She’s so beautiful. As dumb as she is, I have to forgive her cause she’s such a beauty. You can’t have everything – and God gave her a body and a face.”
On to Tamra: “Uch, Simon! I only hope that Hitler is going to come and get him. The good side of Hitler, the one that likes the dogs. First of all, I think he got ugly. He used to be cute, but now he’s got tuchus for face. And he really is a jealous disgusting human being. I cannot stand him.”
“Tamra I felt a little bit sorry for her that she’s married to an assh*le like this. I hope that this guy eats sh*t. I wish that this economic downturn will never turn back. And that’s from my good side wishes it on him.”
“Tamra’s dress? I thought it was sensational, and I didn’t think it was that short. I’ve seen her in far more revealing dresses than that. The guy is just nasty. He never tells her when her boobs are hanging out, and she has pretty legs. I thought it was like a sack. He is A D*CK. He deserves nothing but the worst in life.”
“And let’s take care of that assh*le Lynn, who definitely has hay for brains. I want people to do an MRI on her brain, they’re gonna find sh*t in there that nobody else has. Two disturbed f*cked up daughters. And they’ll never get better. They are NEVER gonna get better. I feel very bad for her husband, he’s working for her now. He’s such a nice guy! That to protect them he never said what’s going on in his job. And after she knew!! She had the audacity to spend $1200 to spend on an ugly jacket! People like this should be hung in the OC piazza.”
Last night’s Real Housewives of the O.C. Season 4 Reunion confirmed a few things about the ladies we already sort of knew: One, that Tamara Barney is a psychopath who might actually have rabies (in which case, our bad), and two, that the once kind-of-likable Whoville resident Vicki Gunvalson is actually, conversely, totally deplorable. 
Mood + profile pic = Lolz. So he’s one of those kinda guys.
If you’re like us — “us” being people who appreciate their parents and are also not probably serial killers — than you were probably more than a little outraged at the way minor league baseball player Shane Keough treated his lovely mother Jeana on last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of the O.C.. If you missed it: Jeana traveled to the Midwest with Vicki to check out Shane play ball. On their way to the game, Shane discovered he wouldn’t be playing… and then proceeded to berate Jeana with a series of abusive text messages (i.e. You better not f*cking show up; I’ll never f*cking talk to you again, etc. etc.) Of course, the girls went to the game, only to be treated like garbage by Shane (not to mention his younger brother Coulton, who will eventually collapse in a pile of give up at his therapist’s office.) 
A big hearty thank you to Bravo, who has stacked their various Real Housewives franchise in just enough cities to keep us up to our ears in cryogenically frozen reres. (The second season of Real Housewives of New York is set to air on February 17, 2009.) Until then, we have our beloved original H-Wives, those saucy, freckle-chested ladies from Orange County, California. 
On this week’s brilliantly teased episode, Tamra decides to throw a “classy” dinner party (sarcasm quotes made out of solid 18K gold filigree) for the wives, and invites Gretchen along, even though Tamra’s jealousy of the much more glamorous and charming Gretchen is reatching 
If you looked up guilty pleasures in our dictionary, you would find three things: 1. Dressing up a pug like a British schoolchild; 2. Chinchilla thongs; and 3. Bravo fake-ality show 
