MarchThe most important question of last night’s Oscars is not who had the best performance, but who got the drunkest after the show. I went through about 60,000 photos and twelve cups of coffee to find the people I thought hit the cash bar the hardest. I’ll let you decide who got the most sauced in Hollywood last night:
Carey Mulligan and/or Jeremy Renner
FebruaryThe Upper Playground Gallery in L.A. is auctioning off a series of 13 Inglourious Basterds posters designed by a group of different artists, with each one signed by Quentin Tarantino and all the proceeds going to Haiti relief. Truly, the awesomeness of that movie just won’t stop giving:
Check out all the posters in the Inglourious Gailarry below (I can spell words weird too!):
(via Gorillamask)
January
Last Friday, VH1 was kind enough to book me a ticket to Los Angeles for the Critic’s Choice Movie Awards, a glitzy, A-list awards show where some of Hollywood’s biggest names would sit together in the same room lightly but firmly patting each other on their geniously talented backs. While I wasn’t nominated for anything per se, I still busted 2 weeks worth of blog salary to envelope myself in a designer gown for my stint interviewing people on the red carpet.
The red carpet is an interesting phenomenon. There are dozens of journalists all roped off in their little area, waiting for their big celebrity scoop. Early on, publicists come by asking if you’d be interested in interviewing their clients, who, if they’re asking, usually aren’t a recognizable face. Would I have any interest in interviewing the writers for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? Not reeeaaaally, but I’d definitely hang out with the writers for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. (They are adorable is what I’m saying.)
As the night progresses, the more famous faces start to appear, most of whom breeze by the carpet for a few photos before heading inside. This is when, for me at least, I turn into what could only be described as an “insane person.” People are trying everything they can do to get the attention of our beloved bebronzed famous faces, and given that I’m 500 feet tall, very loud, and a rabid animal in times of intense pressure (listen to that laugh and tell me it isn’t Scooby Doo meets 28 Weeks Later), things can get a little intense. Apparently some of you may find this funny to watch.
The red carpet is the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And perhaps no video will ever tell you exactly what it feels like better than this one: BWE.tv Live on the Red Carpet, where we speak to Stanley Tucci, Woody Harrelson (sort of) and my own personal life hero, Quentin Tarantino (who, when prompted, graciously checked out my feet), among others. We also catch glimpse of such Hollywood Royalty as Morgan Freeman, Josh Duhamel (who might hate me now, even though my love remains strong), Tracy Morgan… and…
PAUL MC-F**KING-CARTNEY. (Paul McCartney.)
A lot of work went into making this video (firm handshake to videographer and editor Jenna Ennis!), so please watch it! And, as always, enjoy.
It should also be noted that, while we didn’t get into the admittedly packed after party, we DID spot Alfonso Ribeiro, aka “Carlton Banks,” ie “Alfonso Spears,” at Beso, Eva Longoria’s restaurant, later that night. In other words, probably our best sighting of the day.
August
The first time I ever performed standup back as a plucky teen in Pittsburgh (“plucky” means “Black-Sabbath-listening-to,” right?), I exited the stage to the host’s excited, sarcastic declaration, “Quentin Tarantino, everyone! Keep it going for Quentin Tarantino!”
Since then, I’ve received countless “Anyone ever tell you you kinda look like Quentin Tarantino?” declarations from friends and completely unapologetic strangers alike, but against the conventional automatic-disagreement usually caused whenever anyone tells you you look like anyone, I was never bothered by Tarantino comparisons, for two reasons:
1) There are worse things than being compared to the most entertaining director of the last twenty years, who’s also a super-likable, hilarious, harmlessly-crazy genius.
2) We don’t look…entirely…unlike one another.
In honor of Inglorious Basterds premiere week, during which a bunch of people I know have again dusted off this comparison, I was gonna put photos of Me n’ Quentin side by side, Simi-Lebrities fashion (that is, if you could really consider Quentin Tarantino a celebrity), but I couldn’t find a good QT-looking example photo of myself online, and the internet definitely doesn’t need any additional terrible photos of myself, so here’s a pic of Tarantino wearing pajamas before he tucks himself into the Inglorious Basterds premiere yesterday. If you’ve met me or know what I look like, then just remember that and agree or not:
JulyWe recently brought you a list of The 15 Most Annoying Movies Yet to Come Out in 2009. Today, we get a case of the “Optimisms” with this list of 15 Movies You Won’t Want to Miss in 2009, replete with trailers. Let us know which movies you’re excited to see this year in the comments!
15. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Release: November 13th
Stars: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray
IMDB’s Plot: Angry farmers, tired of sharing their chickens with a sly fox, look to get rid of their opponent and his family. Based on the book by Roald Dahl.
Why It Looks Awesome: This film, based on a book by the delightful if you forget about all the Jew-hatey stuff Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory [characters]), is shot entirely in stop-motion animation, meaning everything will automatically take on director Wes Anderson’s deadpan, whimsical charm simply by being jumpy and sluggish and awkward.
Still, the movie looks totally badass. The trailer makes it look like a colorful, forest-animal version of Ocean’s Eleven — maybe just because Foxy is voiced by George Clooney, but more likely because the entire trailer literally feels like Ocean’s Eleven.
Check out this trailer, because it pretty much sums it up: there is a fox. And he is fantastic. Also he prefers to be acknowledged politely by his title.
14. The Informant!
Release: October 9th
Stars: Matt Damon, Melanie Lynskey, Tony Hale
IMDB’s Plot: The U.S. government decides to go after an agri-business giant with a price-fixing accusation, based on the evidence submitted by their star witness, vice president turned informant Mark Whitacre.
Why It Looks Awesome: For beginners, this Steven Soderbergh directed comedy thriller stars some of your favorite bold-faced comedic names, including Patton Oswalt, Arden Myrin, Scott Adsit and comedic legend Scott Bakula. Plus, in an unexpected turn or mind-melting events not seen since The Flintstones met The Jetsons, America’s favorite pop culture phenoms Joel McHale and Paul F. Tompkins make appearances as well. But if that isn’t enough to get your ass in a seat, perhaps this poster of Matt Damon’s 40 Year Old Virgin impression will do the trick.
Ahead, 13 more movies you won’t want to miss in 2009. We’ve got a great cinematic year ahead, no thanks to Tyler Perry of course.
May
April
This is a recap for The Top 7 on American Idol Season 8, theme: Movie Songs. You can see the performances here.
This week, my 8th grade idol and recent “Where is his old face now?” candidate Quentin Tarantino served as this week’s mentor. And, in the great words of Ezekiel 25:17/Jules Winnfield: “Blessed is he (Quentin) who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak (AI contestants) through the valley of darkness (criticism), for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children (tweens). And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers (Classic, beloved songs). And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee (Angry ranting blog post, see below).
Let’s get started.
Allison Iraheta – “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith. You would think that what with Quentin Tarantino being at the helm of things, the contestants would have gone out of their way to choose awesome, kick ass soundtrack songs to blow away America with. You would be wrong. (Not a single James Bond theme?? WTF is wrong with these people?) And perhaps no musical example hits the barf-lex quite like this tune from the 1998 smash hit (get it?) Armageddon. This song haunted my senior year of high school sandwiched in between “Still the One” and Fastball’s “The Way”. My hatred for it was soon bolstered when I found out a particularly disliked manager at my summer retail job danced to this very song at her wedding. So why did Allison have to go and do this? The orchestra was a nice touch tonight, and we’re happy to see the mullet making a return. But even Allison’s great voice could not save the suffocatingly maple syrup in the ears quality of the theme song to a movie about a rock hitting Earf. RATING 5/10
Anoop Desai – “Everything I Do†by Bryan Adams. Ah, finally a song I can sink my feet into like a shag carpet full of birth control pills. Quentin’s touretty “Lie for you; die for you” was, for me, the equivalent to the ear slicing scene in Rezzy Dogs. Anoop’s Bartokomous jacket notwithstanding, and his facial weird sex face put aside for just a momesies, Anoop sang the song beautifully. RATING 8/10
Adam Lambert – “Born to be Wild†by Steppenwolf. OMG, him and Quentin have chemistry you guys!! Q “enjoyed the taste.” Wouldn’t we all. And there’s lightning!!! Lambert is queening out in an electric rainstorm on Planet Unicorn, holy ess. Now, my love for Lambert is pretty off the charts, but for a moment I wondered if this was the song sung during the headbanging scene during Ace Ventura. Not my favorite song in the universe, certainly, but judging by the audience response (passed out mothers, tween brains spilling into the aisles, Paula shooting out of her seat like a firework held by a drunk Brazilian on New Year’s) he certainly got the crowd riled up. So, it pains me to do this, but given that he turned the chorus into an out of tune racist Chinese melody, he’s left me no choice. RATING 7/10 (Ed. Note: If he would have sang Goldfinger/Diamonds Are Forever, this would have been a 10/10.)
FebruaryThe new trailer for Quentin Tarantino’s WWII-era flick Inglorious Basterds hit the web this week, boasting “You haven’t seen war…til you’ve seen it through the eyes of Quentin Tarantino”. Which is probably true, because while I’ve seen somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand WWII movies, none of them involved snappy everyday dialogue overtop a 70s Motown soundtrack while openly embracing a weird genre archetype.
Butseriouslyfolks — Scale of 1-10, how excited are you for this film? I’m hovering around a solid 7.
September
AugustIt’s the role she was born to play!
Word has it that the newly re-fit Britney Spears will have a part in the upcoming Quentin Tarantino remake of Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! But what part, pray tell, could Tarantino have in mind for our dear, sensitive Britney? But of course:
Yes, Spears is being recruited to portray a lesbian killer stripper, which is one of those puzzle pieces that fits just right into the universe of common sense.
But what with all the working out and looking amazing, how, pray tell, will Britney prepare for such a demanding role? Worry not. We actually care about Britney Spears. Really! We want to see her succeed. So we’ve put together this little “acting” cheat sheet to help Britney find the killer lesbian stripper within.
That rumbling you hear? Constantin Sergeyevich Stanislavski rolling over in his grave.
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Managing Editor
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Senior Editor
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