All right, I’ve had enough with these dumbass ESPN Experts’ Picks, and Dr. Z’s medical forecast, and Noballs McAnalyst giving me the same lame, boring, predictable NFL preseason picks. I’m sick of hearing “Um, I think the division winners are going to be New England, San Diego, Baltimore, Chicago, and every other exact same division winner from 2006 and every team will have the same record and everything will happen the exact same way somehow but we’ll try to act suprised.”
So, rather than give you my actual NFL predictions, I’m going to at least make things interesting by making bold, brash, completely illogical claims that probably won’t come true, but at least they’ll be more fun to read than a stamp with the word “Indianapolis” on it. This year, Dr. D is taking the “predictable” out of “predictions!” Or at least the letters from the word predictable that are also in the word “predictions”.
AFC EAST: Miami Dolphins. Dolphins fans might have laughed/scoffed/cut teal tattoos off of their flesh when their team selected Ted Ginn in this year’s draft instead of Brady Quinn, but the Dolphins organization will get the last laugh when Ginn puts up 135 catches and 35 touchdowns as the Dolphins go 15-1 (losing one game out of respect for the ‘72 Dolphins) storm past the Patriots after Tom Brady is cut to bring the team from $20 million under the cap to $30 million under the cap.
AFC NORTH: Cleveland Browns. Everyone knows that in the NFL, shrewd drafting and player development can only take you so far, but to really succeed, you need to sign random, high-priced free agents. Expect LeCharles Bentley to block the crap out of the one dude in front of him and for injured Joe Jurivicious to come up huge in the red zone so often, it’ll make up for this team’s complete lack of depth and skill at nearly every other position.
AFC SOUTH: Indianapolis Colts. Seems predictable, BUT — after a 1-4 start, Tony Dungy will do the unthinkable and bench Peyton Manning for Jim Sorgi, who will come into the season so well-rested and with such an in-depth knowledge of the plays on the Colts’ clipboard, he’ll simply be unstoppable by the banged-up remainder of the division.
AFC WEST: Oakland Raiders. Inspired by an executed convict’s last words — “Go Raiders” — Oakland will become the league’s Cinderella team, much like the ‘06 Saints, and they’ll simply be unbeatable at home, honoring the wishes of their tragically deceased fan and warming the hearts of like-minded convicts throughout the area, Sebastian Janikowski among them.
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