Something terrible has happened in Sweden… again. Each year, as per sad tradition, local Swedes band together in creating a gigantic, resplendant Christmas Goat named Julbock. And, in a story that could easily have been penned by a genius Golden Girls scribe, year after year local Swedish vandals decide to get their perverted rocks off by setting this giant hay goat on fire.

How many times has this giant flammable creature gone up in flames, exactly? Mmmmm what if we told you 23 times? Twenty. Three. Times. And somewhere in St. Olaf, a little girl named Rose Nylund cries.

Grab a slice of C-cake, don your favorite silk robe, and dig into this article. This would be really sad if it weren’t so — no, wait, it’s not really that sad:

Christmas straw goat burned down again in Sweden

A giant Christmas straw goat that has been targeted in a violent Christmas tradition for four decades in Sweden was burned down yet again on Saturday, an official said.

“It was set on fire early in the morning; it’s very sad,” goat committee spokeswoman Anna Ostman said. Vandals have burned the 43-foot (13-meter)-high goat 23 times since it was first set up in the central Swedish city of Gavle on Dec. 3, 1966 to mark the holiday season.

The traditional yuletide goat has also been smashed several times, run over by a car and had its legs cut off. A year ago the goat made it through the holiday season. Authorities in Gavle have tried to protect the goat using fireproofing chemicals and security guards. But only 10 of the goats have survived beyond Christmas since 1966.

The goat is a centuries-old Scandinavian yule symbol that preceded Santa Claus as the bringer of gifts to Swedish homes. Many Swedes place a small straw goat underneath their Christmas trees, or hang miniature versions on the branches.

OK… Let’s start with GOAT COMMITTEE SPOKESWOMAN. Whose beard do I have to comb to get that job? (Answer? This guy’s.) But more importantly, how crime free does Sweden have to be for this to be considered a violent crime? They know it’s not a real goat, right? Frankly, if this is how the local Swedish murderers and baby-snatchers want to channel their rage, BY ALL MEANS LET THEM. Take it from an American, if this is the worst that happens to your nation this holiday season, you should rejoice.

How about we look at the bright side, Sweden: Your country is pretty awesome. Not only do you celebrate Christmas with easily my favorite barn animal, the mighty goat, but you also are home to both my favorite do-it-yourself furniture wonderland and band.

So they might try to burn down your unexplainably strange gigantic Christmas straw goat, Sweden, but they will never burn down your contemporary clean-lined spirit.