December
Thursday
It has been reported by the bastion of all things true and totally not rumored The Sun that Eddie Murphy has been slated to play The Riddler in the upcoming Batman movie. As proof of this claim, the paper put together a 10-second photoshop of Eddie wearing The Riddler’s Matthew Lesko-esh get-up, replete with white hands and MS Paint eyemakeup. The image alone was enough to convince us, but then again, we comb our hair using an old rake we found behind a gas station.
The paper also claims that Batman’s not-gay boy (space) friend Robin will be portrayed by 22-year-old bad boy Shia LaBeouf, and that Rachel Weisz had been pegged to play Catwoman.
Of course, it seems none of these rumors are actually true. In fact, despite the convincing image, Ain’t It Cool news reports:
I’m being inundated with bullsh*t rumors from sites that are just attempting to pad their numbers with created and made up rumors that would cause spikes in traffic because they surround a new BATMAN film.
There is not one shred of reality in any of these rumors…
If ANY OF YOU believe any of this bullshit, you have found some crazy awesome drugs and I would like to have some of what you’re having.
Spikes in traffic, eh?
(throat clear)
Bestweekever.tv has some breaking news! We’ve just received EXCLUSIVE word from CHRISTOPHER NOLAN HIMSELF regarding some recently cast parts in the upcoming Batman sequel. And those parts go as follows:
POISON IVY will be played by:
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August
Thursday
Once they finally finish counting all their money, the producers of the Batman franchise will find themselves facing an epic challenge: figuring out a way to find a new villain worthy of following Heath Ledger’s now legendary performance as The Joker. Names like Johnny Depp and Philip Seymour Hoffman have already been tossed around, but perhaps Christopher Nolan should consider looking for his next supervillain in a less obvious and sensible place like, say, the lesser cast-members of the original Beverly Hills 90210. Because it just so happens that in a recent interview with MTV (via Vulture), Green puts it out there that he’d be willing to be involved with the project if, you know, someone were to call and ask him:
“I would love to be the Riddler,†Brian Austin Green told MTV News. [...] Green knows it’s a long shot, but despite his role on “Terminator,†“I’d like to be in the next ‘Batman,’ even though I am busy killing machines and people,†he said. (We hope he just means on the show).
“I hope to God that they don’t try to replace Heath and have the Joker,†Green added. “And Two-Face is gone.†So they need a new villain, and the Riddler makes sense,†he said. Not that he’s thought it so far ahead that he actually knows what he’d want to do with the Riddler, however.
“That’s impossible to answer now,†Green said. “That would take years of preparation. It’s tough. Heath set the bar at a new level, which I think is fantastic for comic book lovers and movie lovers. He changed the face of what people expect out of those films. If you watch the old ones, I mean, they were great for what they were, having Danny Elfman’s music, but this is a new level.â€
Perhaps the most puzzling riddle of all is what imaginary fantasy world David Silver’s currently living in that he would find it necessary to pontificate, on record, about what he would do with a role you or I probably have more chance being cast in (though to be fair, he might just be under the impression that Joel Schumacher is still helming the franchise, in which case this suggestion would be perfectly reasonable). Otherwise, the only way this could be anymore crazy is if he also suggested that Shannen Doherty show up as Catwoman, or Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That, maybe Robin could be played by Nat (that dude who used to run The Peach Pit).
July
Tuesday
We already know that The Dark Knight is going to break every box office record, Heath Ledger’s going to win a Supporting Actor Oscar, and the damn trailer already won the 2008 Golden Trailer Award — but did you also know, the film also has the most impressive score in cinematic history?
It’s a radical concept for a film score, a technique more likely to be found in a Wagner opera… Zimmer and Howard gave Nolan an iPod filled with 10 hours of music cues based on just the script, which Zimmer contends the director memorized on flights to and from Hong Kong.
The score, which includes pieces composed prior to filming, has elements culled from Bach and hard rock in addition to the minimalists, and, listened to on its own, manages to get the heart palpitating.
Think that’s impressive? Consider these other aspects of Dark Knight that are also more impressive than anything ever done for any film:
– The lighting on the film was provided entirely through moonlight captured and reflected through hardened bat guano, fashioned into prisms, designed to give the film an authentic ‘batlike’ glow. Each guano prism cost nine million dollars and an incalculable amount of aspiring-zoologists-in-Madagascars’ lives.
– The caterers on the film provided intricately thought-out fruit plates for Christian Bale that were a bit more composed and deliberate, whereas the food for Heath Ledger was arranged in a more frazzled, chaotic, Joker-like fashion. Also it was the best food ever.
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July
Thursday
Two bits of news today have reinvigorated our faith in Hollywood and the whores that run it. Let’s get to the soul-crushing news first. 12-year-old Dakota Fanning, an actress who’s been in the business for 37 years, will be sucking more than human souls in her upcoming movie Hounddog. In an effort to blindside Oscar voters, Fanning will play a little girl who gets (Ed Note: Brace for shock) raped in one scene, and may appear nude in other scenes. Pardon us while we wash our eyesockets out with a flame thrower.
On the bright side, the world is bending over backwards at the news that Heath Ledger has been cast as the Joker in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Batman sequel. Heath Ledger and Christian Bale on screen together? I’m calling Brokeback chemistry! Check out our rendering of Heath as “The Joker” below — do you think Ledger can pull it off?
