Today, Chocolate Skeletor herself Star Jones has finally admitted to having gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago, an operation which was kept secret, despite the ex-View talk show host looking more and more like a plum under a magnifying glass in direct sunlight with every passing day. She also tells People Magazine the secret behind her initial succes: “To compensate for my insecurities, I spoke louder and ate more.” On second thought, she really didn’t have to say that as we already kinda knew it.

In any event, Star’s secret-keeping power doesn’t end there! Turns out she’s letting loose a whole bevy of secrets that have been weighing down her breasts-like-sandwich-bags-chest. Here’s a list of some other things Star Jones is finally admitting to:

• In 1998, Star saw a toddler sitting on a curb and crying. In the little boy’s hand was an ice cream cone, and on the street, the scoop of now melted dessert. “Are you Ok?” asked Star. “No, my ice cream fe–” and before the little boy could finish what he was saying, Star snatched him up and ate him whole.
• Star’s husband, Al Reynolds, does not like to have sex with her vaginally. Instead, he grabs their poolboy from the backyard, puts him over Star, and has sex with the poolboy. This arrangement worked out quite nicely until Star began her extreme weight loss, and her body became — according to Pedro, the young handsome pool man — “mush too boh-nee to lay down on. Like a matt-rress made out of un cadáver de los muertos.”
• This isn’t the first surgery Star has undergone. When she was a child, doctors had to be flown in from Asia to sever of what was referred to as “four additional devil teets” found on her abdomen.
• Star and Al once went to a clinic to have a pregnancy terminated before their wedding. When the doctor took a closer look, he discovered that Star had, in fact, just swallowed a chicken whole.
• Her hair? Totally fake.
• And her husband is gay.

(Photo via Getty Images)