February
Tuesday
Any time I receive emails from Myspace, I feel like I’m being contacted by a delusional ex-girlfriend who I wasn’t even that into in the first place and now doesn’t realize it’s been over for three years. This awkwardness is compounded when Myspace starts offering me suggestions about what I should be doing for Valentine’s Day:
Why yes, Myspace, I would like to spend my Valentine’s Day going to dinner with a webcam link that instantly freezes my browser! I could be all, “Would you like some champagne?” and she’d be like, “I’m a robot who just sent your email address to nine porn sites!” and I’d be like “I know we just met but I’m really feeling a connection here!” and she’d be like “XXXPH@T@S YE$$$$$$$$” and then I’d finally be happy.
Then I would play my new real lady some music from Myspace’s suggested Valentine’s playlist:
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February
Thursday
Ever since I created my Facebook profile a couple years ago, I check my Myspace about as often as I voluntarily watch my VCR, but last night, I was deleting my past several years worth of pornographic spam and came across this comment from my near and dear friend, OFFICIALHEAVYHITTERS.COM (Offish’ and I go way back):
hey whats up what you doing for labor day weekend?
Well am partying it up .. and i want you to come party with me!
THIS WEEKEND WILL BE CRAZY i got Busta Rymes / SHAQ O NEAL / COREY GUZ FEAT LIL WAYNE “A M ILLE” .. KING MAGAZINE MODEL BDAY PARTY “MARIA VAZ” & MUCH MORE!!!
After the jump, my apology:
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January
Friday
Burger King and Facebook are currently teaming up after three executives got drunk and signed some sh*t at a Korean karaoke bar to reduce Facebook’s increasingly bloated friend-base by offering free Whoppers in exchange for deleting Facebook friends:
This week, fast-food giant Burger King released a Facebook application that gives you a free Whopper burger for every 10 friends you delete. On the Web site Whopper Sacrifice, Burger King keeps a tally that records the number of friends who have been sacrificed for the company’s signature sandwich offering.
While I enjoy burgers and free things, there’s one little problem with this plan — I can’t delete any Facebook friends.
Are you crazy, Burger King? Do you honestly believe that my 377 Facebook friends are largely comprised of a bunch of random high school and college people I haven’t talked to in years and would never have thought about again if it weren’t for social networking sites? F*ck you! They’re my FRIENDS. Each and every one of them. And when I appear in the corner of a photo from an apartment party or purchase tickets to Benjamin Button on Fandango, I want my FRIENDS to know about it immediately, because they care so much about me because we’re FRIENDS.
Thanks, Burger King, but no thanks — my FRIENDS and I will continue letting each other know which events we are maybe attending, declaring our state of psyched-ness about Obama, and paying full price for our goddamn fast food burgers.
On the other hand, if I can get a free Whopper for deleting 5,000 Myspace friends…
October
Friday
(ED NOTE: “Soundtrack†is a recurring feature in which we tell you more about the music heard in each episode of Best Week Ever With Paul F. Tompkins. This week, we’re talking about Tokyo Police Club.)
Hey, it’s Halloween. Why aren’t you at a party? Because. Because the song that played during tonight’s episode of BWE is super awesome and you had to find out immediately what it is. It’s called “Your English Is Good,” and it’s by Tokyo Police Club. If you haven’t caught wind of them yet, you’re way behind the times, dude. But that’s okay, we’ll forgive you. Just this once. TPC is from Canada, and after forming in 2005, it didn’t take them long to get a name for themselves and ultimately signed to Saddle Creek. Their debut album, Elephant Shell, has received critical acclaim, and currently they’re touring with Weezer. And, they recently shot an episode of Desperate Housewives – what!!! Yes, apparently, they will be appearing in a battle of the bands scene, where they compete with the Desperate House-husbands band formed by the character Mike. Genius. Moving on…the band keeps a cute blog over on their website…you really get the feeling that they are wide-eyed and excited about the success they’ve achieved over the past couple of years. And please, are you looking at this picture? They’re adorable.
See TPC performing “Your English Is Good” live on F’N MTV, after the jump!
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September
Tuesday
I can’t really add anything to this headline to make it funnier:
Aaaaaaand it gets better:
Mr. Labore and Michael Naylor, of Rices Landing, were charged with taking the monkeys from Wild World of Animals in November. The monkeys were returned several hours later. Police say the teenagers apparently thought marijuana was being grown in the greenhouse where the monkeys were kept.
“Let’s break into that greenhouse and steal some marijuana!”
“There’s no pot in here, only monkeys.”
“Let’s take the monkeys then. Just need something to make my night entertaining, I’m not picky.”
“Makes sense. Can we post about it on our Myspace?”
“CAN we!”
June
Thursday
Oh awesome, it’s a Friend Request from my friend Keeley!
I feel like I haven’t seen good ol’ Keeley in forever. Wonder what she’s up to nowadays?
Haha! Don’t worry, Keeley, I won’t tell your parents that you love bad boy’s! Have you kept in touch with any of our other friends lately?
Waaaaitttt a minnnnuttteee — Keeley wasn’t friends with Extreme Ass… What’s going on here?
OH MY GOD, THIS IS A SPAM REQUEST!!!! DENY!!!!
Whew — Almost had me there, Myspace. Gotta wake up pretttttttty early in the morning to fool this guyyyyyoooohhhh my god!!! Sexxxxxxyashleecamz.com wants me to check out her webcam!!! Wonder what she’s up to nowadays?
May
Tuesday
While most of you are busy sending invisi-gifts that cost actual-monies to each other on Facebook, some of us are still whiling the day away on Myspace, “The Beta-Max Player of Social Networking”. Best Week Ever’s Myspace Page is still holding strong — what with our over 5,000 best friends. But because the internet is a wasteland of spammers and amateur porn stars, every now and again we receive a comment or message that exists solely for the purpose of promoting the sender’s cause, rather than stroking the ego of the receiver (in this scenario, us.) Some of you may remember our Best Myspace Comment Ever, from one Miss Knockout, aka Britney Houston. She was pretty much amazing.
This week, we have a new contender for Best Myspace Message Ever, from a prudish girl named La Coacha, the self-proclaimed “Chisma (Gossip) Queen of Tijuana.” She politely writes in to “Best Week Eber” to let us know that Perez Hilton is not only releasing her sex tape… but the Queen of All Media is also straight. To wit:
In other news, we checked out this young lady’s blog, and with titles such as “Where is the Asian kid from Indiana Yones???” and “Same old story: Ogly guy sheats on Hot wife”, needless to say, we’re hooked.
April
Friday
MySpace announced an unprecedented music deal with record giants Sony BMG Music Entertainment, Universal Music Group and Warner Music Group. Here are some of the features being offered by this incredible new MySpace venture that promises to change the way we listen to music:
1. Download CDs with just the click of a button! Then the click of the button on the word “OK,” then a click on “Yes I’m Sure,” then a click on the word “OK” again, then return to the original screen by hitting the back button four times on your browser!
2. Play your music at all times, randomly, on players that people will have trouble finding when they enter your hacked-to-sh*t profile so they panic at work and just mute their computers!
3. Organize your music how YOU want it! Provided that how you want it means every time you add an album the order of your albums reconfigures into no discernible order, bumping your earliest ones off the page!
4. Delete albums with ease! Just click the “Delete” button and have a huge “X” displaying where the album used to be, forever!
5. Only 40% of all albums are porn friend requests!
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