10. Rosie O’Donnell. It’s been too long since we’ve heard from Rosie O’D, and American Idol seems like the perfect place for her to bring her trademarked brand of over-the-topness. We know she loves singing, and she’s even expressed interest in filling the slot. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see her makeout with Simon?

9. Miss South Carolina. If it’s incessant rambling you are after, Miss South Carolina might be the only woman in the world able to fill up Paula’s insanely rere shoes.

8. A Seal. Or if it’s clapping you’re after… even Paula admits to the similarities.

7. Posh Spice. Posh has been rumored to be the actual replacement. The bad news is, she has no personality, but the good news is, janitors can use her head to mop up the stage sweat after the show…

6. Adam Lambert and Yours Truly. Need I even explain why this twosome would be genius?

5. Gloria Estefan. Probably the closest replacement you could ask for. Most Americans probably wouldn’t even notice.

4. An Old-Timey Coke Dispenser. Why beat around the bush any longer, Idol producers? Just put a f**king Coke dispenser in her chair and get your DeLorean detailed 4 lyf.

3. Martin Lawrence. Martin is probably one of the funniest people in the world, who for the past few years has been raking the money in with less than hilarious projects (rhymes with Mild Pogs. Ah, f*ck it, it’s Wild Hogs.) What better way to bring back the Martin (oblig theme song reference) we used to love than giving him a prime spot on the world’s stage?

2. A Punching Bag For Simon. He’ll need something to beat on.

1. A Sign That Just Says “Yes”. Slightly cheaper… but gets to the point much faster.

Leave your dream replacements in the comments.

Here are 10 Reasons American Idol Will Suck Without Paula:

10. American Idol Will be a Show Full of Joylessness. Fact: Paula Abdul is the only American Idol judge who actually enjoys listening to people sing. Randy is there because it’s either AI or touring the country promoting lap bands; Kara is just happy to get her bikini-clad ass on people’s TVs; and Simon has trouble seeing any of the contestants due to all the money signs blocking his vision.

9. Sexual Tension with Simon Now Left Solely to Ryan Seacrest. Who is gonna fake make out with Simon for laughs now? The answer to that rhymes with Flyin’ Kneebreast. Can you ever imagine that uptight B Kara agreeing to this kind of stunt?

8. Contestants Might Actually Have to Have Talent to Get To Hollywood. Paula was the permanent greenlight to Hollywood. Without her substitute teacher like leniency in the audition room, how the HELL are aspiring strippers supposed to get a free trip to Hollywood? Slut Dreams = Crushed.

7. No More Tears to Cry. Here’s a bit of irony for you: While Paula Abdul was easily the most cyborg-like of all of the AI judges, she also was the only one who knew how to shed a tear or two (thousand). How is the viewing audience at large going to remember how to feel without Paula’s waterworks cues? Check out this compilation of Paula’s ~raw~ emotion and imagine a season with only Randy’s Cur-ettes syndrome and Kara’s thin-lipped enthusiasm to sit through, and you will no doubt yourselves cry:

6. Alcoholism Will Go Way Down. A Google search of “Paula Abdul Drinking Game” nets 32,900 results. ANd without Paula? That’s 32,900 less shots America will take as a whole. 32,900 less high fives; 32,900 less stomachs pumped; 32,900 less good times had by America. Do you really want to be responsible for such a steep drop in “fun times” Fox? We don’t think so.

The Top 5 Reasons Ahead.

5. Empty Air Will No Longer Be Filled with Genius, Drug-Induced Rambling. This is 1:21 minutes of beauty. Which you can say goodbye too without Paula,

4. Say Goodbye to Cleavage. Without Paula, whose cleavage will American Idol’s 4 straight guys marvel at? Randy’s? No thank you.

3. One Less Gay Icon to Indicate Which Contestants Are G. Paula Abdul was the go-to indicator to try and figure out which American Idol contestant was being shoved back into the closet by Fox brass. Remember back to when Adam Lambert was on the show last season. Even though Lambert kinda flamed out every now and again and again and again while performing, it wasn’t until we saw the Paula love in his eyes and his magnetic smile that we knew his love for the ladies was strictly gaysexual. Without Paula, we will as a nation will be solely left with our gaydars and nothing else to determine our reproductive Idol futures.

2. She’s the Only Person Who Ever Let On That American Idol Is, In Fact, Entirely Scripted. Only Paula Abdul could get away with revealing just exactly how scripted the show is. Like when she revealed that her performance comments were actually written (likely by producers) during rehearsals. Sham-wow:

1. The End of the Amazing Morning Show Interview. Oh Paula. Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula. We will miss you, darling.

Leave your favorite Paula memories in the comments.

15. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Release: November 13th
Stars: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray
IMDB’s Plot: Angry farmers, tired of sharing their chickens with a sly fox, look to get rid of their opponent and his family. Based on the book by Roald Dahl.

Why It Looks Awesome: This film, based on a book by the delightful if you forget about all the Jew-hatey stuff Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory [characters]), is shot entirely in stop-motion animation, meaning everything will automatically take on director Wes Anderson’s deadpan, whimsical charm simply by being jumpy and sluggish and awkward.

Still, the movie looks totally badass. The trailer makes it look like a colorful, forest-animal version of Ocean’s Eleven — maybe just because Foxy is voiced by George Clooney, but more likely because the entire trailer literally feels like Ocean’s Eleven.

Check out this trailer, because it pretty much sums it up: there is a fox. And he is fantastic. Also he prefers to be acknowledged politely by his title.

14. The Informant!
Release: October 9th
Stars: Matt Damon, Melanie Lynskey, Tony Hale
IMDB’s Plot: The U.S. government decides to go after an agri-business giant with a price-fixing accusation, based on the evidence submitted by their star witness, vice president turned informant Mark Whitacre.

Why It Looks Awesome: For beginners, this Steven Soderbergh directed comedy thriller stars some of your favorite bold-faced comedic names, including Patton Oswalt, Arden Myrin, Scott Adsit and comedic legend Scott Bakula. Plus, in an unexpected turn or mind-melting events not seen since The Flintstones met The Jetsons, America’s favorite pop culture phenoms Joel McHale and Paul F. Tompkins make appearances as well. But if that isn’t enough to get your ass in a seat, perhaps this poster of Matt Damon’s 40 Year Old Virgin impression will do the trick.

Ahead, 13 more movies you won’t want to miss in 2009. We’ve got a great cinematic year ahead, no thanks to Tyler Perry of course.

13. Ponyo
Release: August 14th
Stars: Noah Lindsey Cyrus, Frankie Jonas, Betty White
IMDB’s Plot: An animated adventure centered on a 5-year-old boy and his relationship with a goldfish princess who longs to become human.

Why It Looks Awesome: Disney is making a bold move with this one, casting no-name nobodies Noah Cyrus and Frankie Jonas in the lead roles, despite having no family connections with famous people whatsoever.

Still, this is from Hayao Miyazaki, the mastermind behind Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke (our favorite Claire Danes movie after T3: Rise of the Machines.) The man is like the Ayumi Hamasaki of movies, you know what we’re sayin’? Move over, Teinosuke Kinugasa – there’s a new legend in, er, Japan’s equivalent of Hollywood. (Ed. Note: Props to Intern Zack Mast for his heretofore unknown amazing knowledge of Japanese cinema.)

12. District 9
Release: August 14th
Stars: Sharlto Copley, David James, Jason Cope
IMDB’s Plot: A sci-fi/action story set in a fictional world, where extraterrestrials have become refugees in South Africa.

Why It Looks Awesome: Peter Jackson is producing this sci-fi political satire, set in an alternate reality where aliens struggle with what is basically an allegory for 1940s Japanese internment camps. Finally, someone in Hollywood has the cajones to speak up against Franklin “D” Roosevelt’s blatant disregard for our civil liberties. That man has been repeatedly rolling over the Constitution for too long!

11. The Men Who Stare at Goats
Release: November 6th
Stars: Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Kevin Spacey
IMDB’s Plot: A reporter in Iraq (McGregor) might just have the story of a lifetime when he meets Lyn Cassady (Clooney), a guy who claims to be a former member of the U.S. Army’s First Earth Battalion, a unit that employs paranormal powers in their missions.

Why It Looks Awesome: If you were to ask us what one thing we wish we could do for the rest of our waking lives, the answer would be simple: Staring at goats. Oh, goats. Earth’s most hilarious creature that sort of looks and definitely sounds like people. So any man that shares this goat-staring fetish is certainly a man we could hang wit.

Oh, and if that man just happens to be our favorite actor alive Ewan McGregor or close 7th George Clooney, well, all the better. Even if this is a war movie that might not have any goats, we will choose to believe it is full of them. In fact, while the trailer isn’t officially out yet, allow this short video to offer you a taste of what will surely be 2 straight hours of this:

Or, for even more “LOL”s, check out this clip from a BBC special about this special goat-staring military operation. While the beginning is certainly… special… 3:18 is where things really pick up.



10. Inglourious Basterds
Release: August 21st
Stars: Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth
IMDB’s Plot: An American-led killing squad known as “The Basterds” terrorize the Nazis in German-occupied France during World War II.

Why It Looks Awesome: It’s about damn time Quentin Tarantino tackled World War II, considering he is arguably the best living director at handling violence in an always-original, interesting, and stylistic manner. The film also features Brad Pitt and Eli Roth in an almost certainly epic “My D Is Bigger Than Yours” showdown.

Moreover, the movie looks hilarious, a quality that modern WWII films seem afraid to embrace. (Thanks a lot, Steven Spielberg.)

9. Extract
Release: September 4th
Stars: Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Ben Affleck
IMDB’s Plot: The owner of a flower-extract plant (Bateman), tries to contend with myriad personal and professional problems, such as his potentially unfaithful wife (Wiig), a hot new temp (Mila Kunis), and employees who want to take advantage of him.

Why It Looks Awesome: Two words: Jason Bateman. Let’s throw two more words into the mix: Ben Affleck. Oh wait, hold on… yes… we’re feeling two more words coming up: Career comeback. Also, Jason Bateman again.

Why It Looks Awesome: Writer-director Charlie Kaufman Sophie Barthes scores again in his her follow-up to Synecdoche, New York Happiness, once again proving that Philip Seymour Hoffman Paul Giamatti reigns supreme atop the character actor throne.

The movie has serious potential. Kaufman Barthes is now five-for-five one-for-two writing original, quirky premises and executing them with precision. Let’s also not forget the inclusion of our Honorary 101st Silver Fox David Strathairn, and oh, hey, pun title! Sold.

Why It Looks Awesome: It’s good to see Ricky Gervais writing and starring in what looks like a superbly original premise, especially since most of his movies have been duds. What was that one movie called? Ghost City? No, that’s too big – Ghost Village? No, no, too small. Oh, yes, Ghost Town – juuust right (wrong).

Why It Looks Awesome: Directed by newcomer director Martin Scorsese (he’s going to be big, people, just you wait – perhaps even the next Michael Bay), this thriller set on the Island of Shutter is going to make you shudder! That wasn’t the tagline, but it should have been.

Point being, not even terrible puns can ruin this movie’s promise, because the Scorsese-DiCaprio luchadores tag-team has yet to do wrong, and Mark Ruffalo and Emily Mortimer will provide just the right amount of “sight sugar,” if you will.

Why It Looks Awesome: Really? Do you really need us to tell you why this looks awesome? How about the amazing special effects that bring a children’s literary classic to life for generations to come? No? What about the fact that director Spike Jonze — responsible for every music video/movie you’ve ever cared about — has teamed up with Dave Eggers — whose book probably made you cry — for the cinematic event of 2009? Still nothing? Hmm… MARK RUFFALO IS IN– That’s what I thought.

Note to Hipsters: As though we needed to sell you on what is essentially your Ten Commandments.

Why It Looks Awesome: Remember how the Coen Brothers’ adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s No Country For Old Men was set in the boring 1980s in middle-of-nowhere Texas and had Woody Harrelson and still managed to be awesome? Yeah, now imagine it set in the future in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and starring Viggo Mortenson as a character named “The Man”. This movie should have been called The Road to the Oscar Stage. Cause it will probably win an award!

3. Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself
Release: December 18th
Stars: Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry, Taraji P. Henson, Tyler Perry
IMDB’s Plot: When Madea catches sixteen-year-old Jennifer and her two younger brothers looting her home, she decides to take matters into her own hands and delivers the young delinquents to the only relative they have: their aunt April, a heavy-drinking nightclub singer who lives off of Raymond, her married boyfriend.

Why It Looks Awesome: Kidding! Joke’s on us. Us = the world.

3. Ninja Assassin
Release: November 25th
Stars: Rain, Rick Yune, Naomie Harris
IMDB’s Plot: Raizo (Rain) is a rogue ninja who comes to the aid of Mika Coretti (Harris), a Berlin-based Interpol agent who has linked the shadowy Ozunu Clan, a secret society of assassins who trained Raizo, to a series of murders. Most dangerous to them both is Takeshi (Yune), Raizo’s former ally and the assassin leading the charge of Ozunu killers to Berlin.

Why It Looks Awesome: We don’t care how mediocre the trailer looks or who this “Rain” person is or how confusing the plot sounds. A movie simply titled “Ninja” would already win a prestigious BWE.tv Felix (our version of the Oscars – it’s a very subtle inside reference, don’t ask) for Most Awesome-Sounding Movie of 2009. Hell, a movie titled “Ninja Ass” would win two. But a movie titled “Ninja Assassin”? You might as well call it “Do You Like Food, Water, and Shelter? Basically, Do You Enjoy Anything Even Remotely Pleasurable? If So, See This Movie, Because It Has Ninjas,” with the tagline, “Assassinate This!” (Ed. Note: Yes, this entire paragraph was scripted by Intern Zack. What can we say, boy loves Ninjas.)

2. Sherlock Holmes
Release: Christmas Day
Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams
IMDB’s Plot: Detective Sherlock Holmes (Downey Jr.) and his stalwart partner Watson (Law) engage in a battle of wits and brawn with a nemesis whose plot is a threat to all of England.

Why It Looks Awesome: While we don’t specifically remember anything in the original books about jumping out of buildings or slow-motion boxing matches or Sherlock Holmes resembling Robert Downey Jr. in any form, we’re glad this adaptation went the route of “awesome” rather than “faithful to the source material.” Unless this is all from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s legendary manuscript, Sherlock Holmes and the Harmless Wrench, which was banned in 1904 for its “various lewd and barmy passages in which the eponymous character sits nude atop a mattress, his bollocks obscured by merely a pillow – though did we mention he looks like future American heartthrob Robert Downey Jr.?” In which case, excellent work.

1. Avatar
Release: December 18th
Stars: Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver, Michelle Rodriguez
IMDB’s Plot: A band of humans are pitted in a battle against a distant planet’s indigenous population.

Why It Looks Awesome: Mastermind James Cameron reportedly wrote the script for this sci-fi epic over a decade ago, but was forced to shelve it because we, mankind, simply did not possess the technology (CGI) to create such awesomeness. After making his Plan B, 1997’s obscure time-travel fantasy Titanic, Cameron has returned to the project, and it looks incredible. The trailer really doesn’t do anything justice, mostly because there isn’t anything in the trailer, but trust us – you’ll want to see Avatar, provided you fit into one of the following categories:

(a) Nerd.

UPDATE: User Torg reminds us we’ve left a VERY important film off of this list — Rob Marshall’s 9. We will likely never forgive ourselves for this oversight. But here is to trying:

1a. Nine
Release: November 25th
Stars: Where to begin: Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson… Fergie
IMDB’s Plot: Famous film director Guido Contini (Day-Lewis) struggles to find harmony in his professional and personal lives, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, his mistress, his muse, his agent, and his mother.

Why It Looks Awesome: Other than the fact that Daniel Day-Lewis probably bones Judi Dench? Hello, it’s a Rob Marshall musical movie. Those that aren’t sold on that premise alone will likely never be sold on a movie musical. And frankly? I feel sorry for you. Even Fergie cannot ruin this effort:

(Ed. Note: With many thanks to Intern Zack Mast for his contributions, as well as Intern Pam Payano for her help on various projects. Next week is their last, and we will miss them!)

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With thanks to Interns Zack Mast and Pam Payano for helping out!

Special shoutout to the Pets With Eyebrows blog.

See Also:
50 Animals That Are Huge Sluts
50 Animals Who Hate Baths
50 Animals in Convincing Wigs
50 Animals with Drinking Problems
50 Animals with Day Jobs
50 Animals Squashed Against Glass
50 Best Pun Stores
50 Animals With Hilariously F*cked Up Teeth

Counting #1 selections as 5 points, #2 selections as 4 points, and so on, yesterday’s comment thread yielded these results:

10. A Bug’s Life (7 points)

6. Toy Story (78 points)

A Bug’s Life actually ends up with the booby prize, though it’s still hardly a bad movie (and features a villain named Hopper, which is awesome), with Cars avoiding the distinction by a mere one vote. I imagine Up will climb the list before next year, as many commenters admitting they either haven’t seen it yet or wish to see it again before it cracks their beloved Top 5 (I had no such reservations, I thought it was an instant classic).

After the jump, your Top 5 Pixar movies:

5. Toy Story 2 (97 points)

1. WALL-E (145 points)

WALL-E, the dystopian future robot love story, takes the crown (but couldn’t even take a Best Picture nomination, despite being prrrrobably the best movie of 2009). I’m surprised at Finding Nemo second; it’s a really fun movie with a lot of awesome scenes, great action, and more jokes than most of the other Pixars, and it may be the most watchable Pixar film of all-time (which is saying something) but to me, it didn’t quite punch me in the gut with lifeitude the way WALL-E, Up, and Ratatouille did (I realize this is splitting hairs, but the whole list is, any of these movies would be a worthy #1, except, well, you know who.)

Toy Story 3 next summer — looking forward to an updated list for 2010. Provided, of course, that the internet hasn’t imploded on itself by then.

10. An Instructional Guide

9. Memoirs of a Fat Geisha (Spoiler Alert: She kills herself.)
 

8. The Beached Preppy Seal

1. Evolution: It’s Happening.

We’ve gone through all the entries — hours and hours of tuneless scale runs — to bring you the following list: 10 Eurovision Songs That Will Make You Proud to Be An American. And if you don’t at the very least sit through #1… well all we can do is pray for you. Because it will change your life.

10. Greece: Sakis Rouvas – This Is Our Night 

It’s a good thing the Eurovision does not air in 3-D, because if it did, both of my eyeholes would be pregnant with Sakis’ groin babies. I’m fairly certain that on his off-nights, Sakis teaches body sculpting at the Equinox in Manhattan’s Chelsea district. Sakis Rouvas makes Ricky Martin look Jack Effing Palance, and makes Adam Lambert’s eyeliner/glitterpants look like the beige khakis of the new Millennium. It is physically impossible for America to even produce someone this fabulous! Which is actually a disgrace. Come on, USA, let’s put our toddlers in LED banana hammocks and hope for a brighter tomorrow! (ps We actually love this man.)

9. Finland: Waldo’s People – Lose Control 

Watch your back, Eminem. Because this Finnish white rapper will seriously kill you. Not with a knife, or a gun… this hard-core motherf*cker will have a moose ass impale you from behind while he ice skates on your flash frozen balls. Finland is known first and foremost for “creative murder”, and second for their ability to make everything and anything “more white.” Also the only way I would ever seriously listen to this band is if they wore red-n-white striped shirts and had walking sticks and a severe astigmies.

Click ahead with the understanding that you have to watch all 3 minutes of #1.

8. Sweden: Malena Ernman – La Voix 

THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE THING YOU WILL EVER WITNESS OER-EM-GEE. Clearly, Malena Ernman was the inspiration for Cate Blanchett’s character in Lord of the Rings, because your soul will quite literally disappear if you stare into her eyes/biceps. Kudos to Malena, however, for bringing Robert Palmer’s back-up dancers back from the dead. 1:26 reads like the trailer for the latest Lars Von Trier pic.

7. Ukraine: Svetlana Loboda – Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Girl) 

The soundtrack to my upcoming docudrama “Getting R’d in a Ukrainian Nightclub.” Please watch this for the UHMUHMUHMUHMUHMAYZING Trojan Back-Up Dancers, who need to be deported to my wildest fantasies ASAP.

6. Bosnia & Herzegovina: Regina – Bistra Voda 

Bosnia’s most famous boyband. And while the lead singer is rocking a pretty sexy “Kate Gothelin“, it’s the drummer whose passion has won over my mind and, more importantly, my heart. Bosnian Les Miserables is kind of sexy, you guys. In other news, 6 shots of vodka later, who of us would not have our tops off dancing on a table to this?

5. Portugal: Flor-de-lis – Todas As Ruas Do Amor 

If the lyrics to this song are to be believed, she is singing about saltines, douchebags, and ecstasy. NOTE: The graphics used in this video were used without permission from Portugal’s hit show, Melhor Semana Sempre con Paulo Effe. Gonçalves.

4. Germany: Alex Swings Oscar Sings – Miss Kiss Kiss Bang 

Take everything we said about video #10, throw in a Dita Von Teese cameo, a pair of tweezers, and Hitler rolling over in his grave, and we present you with the following video.

3.Slovakia: KAMIL MIKULČÍK & NELA POCISKOVÁ LEŤ TMOU  

The last 30 seconds. That is all.

2. Norway: Alexander Rybak – Fairytale 

Alexander actually won the competition. Did he deserve it? Well, if cute but terrible violinists is your thing, then definitely. (We’ve saved our personal favorite video for the #1 slot.) It’s good to know that Alexander was able to revive his career after helping Frodo get the ring back to Mordor. (Ed. Note: 2 LOTR references in one post? My work here is done.) And if you have trouble understanding how this yokel with a violin won, check out his cover of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”, and see that deep down under the clothes bought at a Bronson Pinchot yardsale, Mr. Rybal is actually kind of adorable.

1. Hungary: Zoli Ádok – Dance With Me. 

As a full-blooded Hungarian, I am literally overcome with TEARS at how ABSOLUTELY unbelievable the Hungarian entry is this year. If scoring the Eurovision winner is based on a combo of talent, Euroness, and gayness, this performance would score a 10/10/12. Not gonna lie, this is the BEST WORST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN. From Zoli’s expert grapevining, to the LAST NOTE, to — most importantly — 1:56-:157, you’ll quickly come to realize that the robot dance that kicks this performance off is the least hilarious thing about it. Simply put: lskdflskdfjlskdjflskdjflkjsdf.

DANCE WITH ME IS MY OFFICIAL SUMMER JAM 2009-??? 

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See Also:
50 Animals That Are Huge Sluts
50 Animals Who Hate Baths
50 Animals in Convincing Wigs
50 Animals with Drinking Problems
50 Animals with Day Jobs
50 Animals Squashed Against Glass
50 Best Pun Stores

So to celebrate one of my many comedic inspirations in life, BeaWE.tv (for today) has compiled our Top 10 Favorite Bea Arthur Moments. (And yes, this list is slightly different from our last Bea Arthur Top 10 list, posted here last year to celebrate her birthday.) If you can guess #1, you probably spend way too much time on the blog. Today, my Golden Girls necklace is a little lonelier.

10. Rock Hudson and Bea sing “Sniff Swig Puff!”. Easily the catchiest and most upbeat song about drug addicts ever sung. Two old alkies just ramblin’ on about weed and pills and poppers and cocaine. The lyrics are simply genius, and also probably written by someone addicted to “horse.”

9. The Sex and the City Parody. Would it be wrong to say that Bea makes a prettier Carrie Bradshaw than Sarah Jessica Parker? Consdering we’re still in mourning, no, it isn’t wrong. Also, Mona from Who’s The Boss, Sally Struthers and Mrs. Garrett? Tell me this clip won an Emmy, because seriously, this is to pop culture lovers what unicorn shlongs are to gay wizards.

8. Bea Sings The Man in the Moon. Did somebody say gay wizards? This clip of Bea sporting the original costume from the animated motion picture Fantasia sure did!

7. Sophia and Dorothy sing “I Got You Babe”. Classic Golden Girls moment, featuring two lost angels. Let’s hope there are cheesy costume shops in Heaven.

6. The Star Wars Holiday Special. Not only a comically dated puppet video, but also a reminder to donate some money to your local video restoring non-profit, because it took me about a minute to realize this wasn’t some sort of underground child pornography.

5. Bea Arthur and a Seal. The woman could even upstage a F**KING SEAL. SHE IS NO JOKE AMERICA/WORLD.

4. Johnny Carson Interviews a Legend. This clip might be a little long for some of you, but watching Bea and Johnny Carson interact shed new light on Bea as a lady. Also, if anyone in her family cares to donate that luscious floor length sleeveless caftan she’s sporting to a good cause (me), I promise to take good care of it (wear it morning, noon, and night.)

3. Magical Canadian TV Commercial. The special effects used in this ad — 20 years old, mind you — are BREATHTAKING!! Bea flies through the sky like Superwoman in the name of Canadian bargains. This is special, and chances are you’ve never seen it.

2. Bea Arthur Kills at the Pam Anderson Roast. Possibly one of the funniest things ever recorded by modern man, as Bea reads passages from Pam’s book to the luckiest audience in the universe, who can now say they heard Bea Arthur utter the word “erection”. (If you’re in a rush, fast forward to 4:44… language NSFW)

1. “It’s Made of Horse Urine.” Our favorite thing Bea Arthur has ever done ever ever ever. It’s an ad for Premarin, and if you don’t know what it’s made of… just click play.

BONUS VIDEO: Bea Sings Dreamgirls with Nell Carter.

See Also: Bea Arthur vs. Angela Lansbury.