Last night’s Real Housewives of The O.C. was picture perfect: Rife with drama, intrigue, and idiotic finger tattooing. Things came to a climax as Lynn decided to hold a civilized dinner party with all the HWives, which of course exploded directly in her face like so many over-pumped restylane lips.
As per tradition, I phoned up my dear mother, Judy Collins of Miami, Florida, to get her opinion on the episode. What I found was a woman on the brink of madness, dying to get her various opinions on each and every wife out into the open, via telephone with my ear glued on the other end. I realized the world needed to hear her thoughts. So without her knowing it, I began transcribing her poetic diatribe to share with all of you. Admittedly, I started a few sentences in, but I think you will pretty much get the gist of her attitude by the time you’re done.
So without further ado, here it is: My Mother’s Recap of “The Real Housewives of the O.C.”
“I have a feeling that any cat I’ve had since I’m married is smarter than Lynn. Vicky is right! None of them work. That Gretchen? She started her makeup line last week, all of a sudden she’s working? And go to any dept store — Walgreens — no one is buying makeup. Whose gonna buy it in this economy?
And that Tamra is garbage. The thing with Vicki and her marriage… I told Daddy ‘Look, if I’m going to complain to a girlfriend of mine that my husband is this, that, and the other, I really don’t expect that girlfriend to go back and tell the husband.’” (Ed. Note: I’m sure this is a purely theoretical situation, Dad.)
That was mistake #1. You can maybe give her advice, but what are you telling the husband? #1. They all came in (impersonating) ‘I dont want any drama….’ Vicki from the beginning should not have stood there! Walk away!
I think the producers coax them in these shows… Because I cannot picture Vicky standing in front of this f*cking shmuck Simon and taking it. I think she’s much smarter than that. If this was me…? ‘You know what? I’m not interested.’ Have a drink and chit chat with your husband.”
“And Tamra has to be the lowest of the low. You know what? He deserves Tamra. And the fact that she’s hot? I don’t find that she’s so hot. I think Gretchen is the best looking.
I hate the new girl! (Ed. note: Alexis.) Such a dumb f*ck woman this is not even a joke. Funny enough, her husband doesn’t bother me. Believe me Michelle, 5 more years, they’re not together. 5 years, he’s gonna dump her like a catsh*t. (direct quote) Because within 5 years he’s gonna realize ‘What kind of a f*ckin’ assh*le am I married to?’
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1. All Honda ads should all begin with the disclaimer “Please Flip to the Puppy Bowl for 30 Seconds”
