FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: 2009, The Year In Film

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So I’m writing this post not to brag about amateur tv-addict behaviour (Britishized for class), but to point out three universal observations about the show that we’ve all noticed and all pointed out before, but which require cataloging here so that when future alien civilizations discover Law and Order and BWE.tv in that order, they’ll be all like, “Yeah I know, right???” Then they’ll be like “Blaxnorff!!!” cause they’re aliens and only speak some English.

John Mulaney has a comprehensive standup bit about L&O that covers the universal basics of the show with superhuman accuracy — Jerry Orbach’s before-the-commercial corpse wisecracks, the New York bartender who remembers everyone, the vague and lame pre-body discovery extras dialogue, and so on — but the show is so ubiquitous, so unapologetically formulaic, and still so inexplicably addictive after all these years, I feel the list of universally accepted L&O rules needs to be expanded.

To pre-emptively avoid rambling forever, I’ve kept the list to just three. Without murder ado (typing that hurt both of us), here are 3 Additional Universal Truths of Law & Order.

Truth #1: If a recognizable actor or actress is in the episode, they did it.

As soon as the detectives begin interrogating “That’s that dude from [BLANK]“, that guy’s gonna end up being the murderer, or at the very least, they’re gonna figure prominently in the solution and deliver a stirring speech on the witness stand in the final 10 minutes as the music swells. Law & Order isn’t going to bring in Characteractor McKindarecognizable to just dish out a little information in the first twenty minutes and disappear. If Robert Wagner or Orlando Jones walks through the frame, arrest the sh*t out of him. He did it.

The show could reverse this trend, of course, if it ever had the balls to pull a Deep Blue Sea and bring in a guest star specifically to play a completely inconsequential part. Maybe it’d be slightly insulting to bring in Daniel Day-Lewis just to have him play the Hispanic dock worker who remembers someone got a phone call and stormed away kind of angry, but dammit, it would serve such a grand universal purpose, it’d be more than worth it. And I’m sure Daniel Day-Lewis watches L&O constantly too and feels the same way, so what’re you waiting for, Danny? Start perfecting some goddamn dockworker affectations.

Two more…

Truth #2: If they arrest or try a suspect with too much time left in the episode, that person obviously didn’t do it.

There’s nothing more instantly frustrating to the L&O viewer than the detectives confidently handcuffing someone fifteen minutes in the episode, or the prosecutors bringing the hammer down on someone with a solid twenty minutes left in the episode, and no ability to yell at them from your couch “IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT THEM YOU DUMBASS, THERE’S WAY TOO MUCH FRICKIN’ TIME LEFT!” Well, you have the ability to yell it all the time, but trust me, they rarely respond.

You’d think that after eighty blablillion seasons of the show, even with the personnel turnover, some of these cops would’ve figured out not to arrest someone until 25-35 minutes into the episode, and not to really nail them in court until after the final commercial break. In extremely rare cases, an early conviction may actually occur, but only if it then leads to a more important crime being unearthed and the episode essentially starting over again. They’ve never just nailed someone ten minutes in, forced them to plead guilty, and eaten sandwiches in realtime for the reamaining forty minutes. Could someone please make this episode happen? It would instantly become every L&O fan’s unquestionably favorite episode / day of life.

Universal Truth #3: The last couple seasons of SVU have been effing crazy.

This isn’t so much a universal L&O commandment as just an observation, but it’s a damn obvious observation at that. SVU should, in theory, be the most gripping and relatable L&O offshoot, as it involves cases of domestic abuse, rape, and crimes of a sexual nature so often committed by close family members and not — as in Law And Order: Original Recipe — in some zany scheme between zany people that intrigue us but seem distant and caricatured.

Instead, the past (give or take) six seasons of SVU have been hilariously ridiculous, and usually in an entertaining way, but in a way so full of sub-Shyamalan twists and turns so as to completely negate any relatability to the serious issues it attempts to raise. If the cops interrogate or arrest someone even 30 minutes into an SVU episode, there is no question that they’re still about eight dudes away from finding the actual killer (eight dudes or girls, or the dudes’ kids secretly, or a secretly transgender guidance counselor taking matters into her own hands because she identified so uniquely with a transgender student’s parental issues, even though none of this was raised before the final two minutes of the sixty minute show).

Watching SVU is like watching cartoony 24 episodes but with rape involved so you feel slightly guilty for laughing at the ridiculousness. In a related story, my DVR is full.

Other Universal Truths of Law & Order? Leave ‘em in the comments. There are literally blablillions of them.

Today’s video that wasn’t actually made by people but merely willed into existence by the internet is a long-overdue re-enactment of the infamous aired/unaired Jersey Shore Snookie punch, but with dogs. You’re expecting it to be pointless, but that’d be assuming it’s enough of a thing to qualify for an adjective:

(via Gorillamask)

MTV’s hit show Jersey Shore has managed to make superstars out of people who could easily be confused for fake Louis Vuitton luggage, ironically the very same people that lack any emotional baggage. But as our love for the show and its stars — Snooki, The Situation, Paulie D — grows stronger and more resilient with each passing episode/barfight, there remains one cast member of the Jersey Shore home who, week in, week out, steals the show.

That person being, of course…

The Friggin Duck Phone.

But it wasn’t until bass player of Taking Back Sunday Matt Rubano wondered aloud on Twitter where he could get his very own duck phone that we decided to take matters into our own hands and locate one online.

What we discovered, readers, will break your heart. THE WORLD HAS RUN OUT OF FRIGGIN DUCK PHONES.

Our “Duck Hunt” begins ahead.

A quick Google search of “Duck Phone” directed us to this website, designed by The National Epileptic Haters of America, called “Phone Phun.” This website seemed to offer the very same Duck Phone that has stolen the show over in America’s favorite herpes repository. But, alas, HEARTBREAKING NEWS:

First off, $150? BARGAIN. But it’s sold out! And clearly “Phone Phun” is being inundated with requests for this quacking miracle, as the language used — “we are trying to locate more” — appears to be a desperate attempt to quell its demanding customers. It seems that one of the issues with locating this phone is that it was manufactures back in the 1980s, when people still plugged their telephones into walls.

Undeterred, we kept searching. That’s when we found this “Duck Phone” knock-off:

$39.99 is a veritable steal for this miracle. Alexander Graham Bell is the opposite of rolling over in his grave right now! Only, scratch that, a-rollin’ he is because, once again, this duck phone is out of stock.

But relax, readers with unlimited amounts of expendable income. There is good news around the horizon. That’s because we have, in fact, located THE ONLY AUTHENTIC FRIGGIN DUCK PHONE FOR SALE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Courtesy of Ebay, we present…

VTG MALLARD DUCK WORKING TELEPHONE QUACKS 1980′S

Indeed, there is a duck phone for sale. And it’s only $9.99! Well, for the day anyway. We’re guessing once the world finds out about this auction, the price will shoot up faster than Situation’s aggressive testosterone levels on the d-floor. Sotheby’s, you really dropped the ball on this one.

But fear not: We give it 3 more months until Duck Phones are on clearance at Urban Outfitters, and the magic is dead and gone.

PS: Someone please buy me the duck phone. xoxoxo, Michelle.

The World:

A world without The Tyra Banks Show is like Christmas with Santa’s cold body waiting under the tree: Devoid of all happiness and celebration. When the show began in 2005, it seemed the nation was skeptic. How could Tyra Banks, supermodel, carry her own talk show? What we were to learn over the past 4 years is the answer: With hilarity, brazenness, and a genuine voice that, even in its most inappropriate or silly times, never wavered.

Tyra eventually won the nation over with her unusual interview style — where boob grabs came and went like sh*tty green room fruit baskets — and by giving away ungodly amounts of Vaseline. Tyra went from being a model with a talk show to a two-time Daytime Emmy Award Winner for the outstanding talk show category in 2008 and 2009. And if you’ve ever given birth to an S-shaped doodie — and don’t front, you’re doing it right now — you know this award is fully deserved. Her Bus Station Fashion Show alone was Oscar worthy, if they doles out awards for “Best What, Exactly, Is Happening Right Now?”

Which is why this news is most surprising. With Oprah ending her 215-year reign as the Queen of All Media next year, we were sure — certain – that Tyra would be just the girl to fill in Oprah’s Hermes crocodile canoes (shoes). And then this news…

Could it possibly mean Tyra will be coming back on a brand new, revamped talk show? Perhaps a late night show? We doubt Banks, who we’ve often felt was the hardest working woman in show biz between her show tapings and her America’s Next Top Model commitment — would just plain end her talk show without something bigger on the horizon. At least, this is what we hope to believe.

Having had the honor to appear on Ms. Tyra’s show (and believe me, it is to this day one of my most prized apperances, if only because I was able to address Nigel Barker as “Nige”), I’d like to congratulate Tyra on creating one of the most talked about daytime show of the decade, and wish her and her wonderful staff the best in the future. And please, please, please don’t leave this country in the cold. Come back soon.

Regretfully, rocking itself back and forth,
America

PS: EW’s recommendation of Alexa Chung replacing Tyra is one we could more than live with.

Let us all remember our favorite Tyra moments in the comments. We’ve put ours ahead.

We didn’t really care about Oprah quitting. But this? This cuts deep.

That’s right — Us Weekly has learned EXCLUSIVELY that Tiger Woods’ yacht is still docked. It has not been undocked, as would be the case if it were to be used for yachting, nor has the rope connecting the yacht to the dock been worn away by elemental factors, such as rain or Tiger Woods having sex with it.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a rousing update of Tiger Woods’ hammock, which remains, at this moment, not knotted.

Today’s question: What’s your official year-end tv marathon of 2009? What were you watching last week in pajamas while attempting not to question reheated mashed potato and carrot sandwiches? Any marathons you’re looking forward to on New Year’s?

Personally, in addition to my annual rediscovery of the joy of watching nine straight hours of Law and Order, I got really hooked on the G4 “American Ninja Warrior” marathon. On my brother’s recommendation, I DVRed the entire series on Christmas Eve and blew threw them all in order, then with my newfound appetite for lanky freerunners swinging across metal structures to avoid failure water still unsatisfied, I ended up watching the entire original Japanese Ninja Warrior series On Demand. Would I ever be this adamantly lazy if it weren’t specifically Christmas-New Year’s ‘World Halfass’ week? Probably.

Other marathons you’ve been watching? Others on New Year’s you’re looking forward to? Christmas-New Year’s TV marathon confessions in the comments, please (although if you’re in true Holiday tv marathon mode, you’re probably too lazy to have loaded this website. So we’ll just assume you’re out there.)

Another song that someone should cover is “Don’t Stop Believing” by The Journeys.

Join me in welcoming the trailer for the new Jaden Smith Karate Kid remake with a highly unsarcastic FIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNALLLLY:

One of Hollywood’s most enduring relationships has ended – Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have broken up after more than two decades together, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

“Actress Susan Sarandon and her partner of 23 years, actor Tim Robbins have announced that they separated over the summer,” her rep Teal Cannaday tells PEOPLE in a statement. “No further comments will be made.”

The couple met on the set of Bull Durham, and they have two sons together, Jack, 20, and Miles, 17.

So I guess that leaves us, like, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner? What if those two break up? Would that leave Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy as Hollywood’s sanest remaining couple? Dear lord — I’m just gonna start donating money to Amy Poehler and Will Arnett and assuming that solves all the world’s problems.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be brushing up on my Client quotes and ironing off my goin’-out tux.