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24 May
Wednesday

While You Were Teaching Your Dog Karate

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  • Paris Hilton is paid $200 grand to wave. But if you want her to do more, her price is negotiable.
  • Kirsten Dunst’s movie Marie Antoinette in bad shape atCannes. Her teeth are still in worse shape.
  • X-Tina Aguilera gets drunk. Slurs the word ‘dirty.’
  • Janet Jackson miraculously loses a 60 pounds. Must be same rigorous fitness regimen as Star Jones.
  • Kevin Federline’s days are numbered. Luckily he can’t count.
  • Sandra Bullock gets a restraining order from stalker. Goes by the name of Keanu Reeves.
  • Kevin Spacey almost quit being an actor before he got famous. Great, so now he’s never going to quit.
Posted on May 24th, 2006 | Permalink
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24 May
Wednesday

While You Were Mourning the Loss of True Love

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Posted on May 24th, 2006 | Permalink
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23 May
Tuesday

While You Were Having Your Prison Blues Pressed

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  • Halle Berry says she still experiences discrimination on a regular basis. It’s true – people who have a blind, ignorant hatred of attractiveness can be very cruel.
  • Kevin Bacon showed up at the opening of Manhattan’s newest Apple Store in hopes of scoring some free stuff. A surly employee at the Genius Bar denied his request, but said he’d throw Bacon some free earphones if he’d go behind the pull-down screen and do the Footloose dance in silhouette like the iPod commercials.
  • Brad Pitt sent an e-mail to the Cannes Film Festival, apologizing for his absence due the “imminent arrival” of his baby. Festival organizers were unimpressed, noting that Tom Cruise not only would have been there, but would have skydived onto the red carpet from an F-16 Fighter Jet, proudly holding his newborn child in fresh swaddling.
  • Jennifer Aniston says her man Vince Vaughn is the “cream of the crop“. And by “cream of the crop” she means “A far cry from Brad Pitt, but has both a pulse and a vague interest”.
  • Jon Favreau, director of the upcoming film adaptation of the Iron Man comic book series, is taking suggestions for the film from fans on MySpace. I think I remember something about Orson Welles taking advice from his “pen pal fan club” via pony express during the filming of Citizen Kane.
Posted on May 23rd, 2006 | Permalink
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23 May
Tuesday

While You Were Rinsing Out Your Morning Breath

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  • Lindsay Lohan seeks revenge by bedding Paris ex Stavros Niachros. Never underestimate the vengeance of firecrotch.
  • Michelle Williams’ dad locked in an in Australian jail for tax evasion. There’s got to be a Brokeback joke in here.
  • Jessica Simpson orders bodyguards to close off public toilet. Only MTV cameramen are allowed to hear her pee
  • Ryan Seacrest gets probed by NY Times. Seacrest reveals anal side.
  • New reasons for Axl and Tommy Hilfiger fight. Alcohol mysteriously still not taking any blame.
  • Britney dumped Kaballah because they kept asking for money. And Kevin already fills that void.
Posted on May 23rd, 2006 | Permalink
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22 May
Monday

While You Were Browsing Our Product Shop

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Posted on May 22nd, 2006 | Permalink
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22 May
Monday

While You Were Re-Proposing

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Posted on May 22nd, 2006 | Permalink
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19 May
Friday

While You Were Rocking out to Richie

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  • 98 degrees’ Jeff Timmons could face prison for DUI. And you know what they do to boy-banders in prison.
  • Nic Cage buys another island.Good place to hide out once reviews of 9/11 movie comes out.
  • Christina Aguilera does promos for Pepsi. Doesn’t compare to “Brown and Bubbly” campaign.
  • Fergie will star in the next Quentin Tarantino movie. As Mr. Tan
  • Halle Berry calls a British DJ racist. He still thinks she’s smoking hot.
  • Kevin wanted to profit off of Britney’s pregnancy news. But now all he’s got is another lousy baby.
Posted on May 19th, 2006 | Permalink
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19 May
Friday

While You Were Taking Your Profile Off MillionaireMatch.com

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  • Charlie Sheen’s MillionaireMatch.com online date reveals that he’s a pervert.But would a pervert have a kid’s clothing line?
  • Russell Crowe’s got a new band, “Ordinary Fear of God.” Still grunts.
  • Superman is invisible at Cannes. Maybe he’s just flying above the clouds.
  • Sean Preston is the cutest baby in Hollywood according to a poll. But how long can he coast on good looks for?
  • Amazing Race’s Ray and Yolanda get engaged. But their reality show ended 2 days ago, so they’re dead to us.
  • Mariah Carey is linked to mafia case. Her high-pitched voice used as a form of torture.
  • Howard Stern rips into Brandon Davis. A nation cheers.
Posted on May 19th, 2006 | Permalink
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18 May
Thursday

While You Were Destroying the Sanctity of Marriage

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  • Tyra Banks has a moustache. And it isn’t an undercover disguise.
  • Pat Robertson threatens U.S. with a tsunami. He’ll do it, don’t test him.
  • John Stamos reveals his sexual exploits and says he and Rebecca Romijn lied about being together at the X-men 2 premiere. Confuses Howard Stern Show for confession.
  • Lindsay Lohan should have flossed. Paris’s liver is stuck in her teeth.
  • Ricky Gervais is water-bombed by a gang of students. No that’s not British slang.
  • Runaway Bride’s wedding is officially off. Couldn’t see that coming.
  • Bruce Willis is getting cozy with young co-star Tamara Feldman. Now Ashton will have some company at the kiddie table.
  • Paul McCartney may lose one quarter of his fortune in the divorce. Still has just enough to retire comfortably.
Posted on May 18th, 2006 | Permalink
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18 May
Thursday

While You Were Hunting for Hoffa

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  • Brett Ratner wants to photograph Lindsay Lohan naked. Promises the pics will have as much integrity as Rush Hour 2.
  • Bill Clinton inks a deal to write another book. Why not try his hand at Young Adult Ficton.
  • Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis are the most disgusting people in Hollywood according to a poll. They think they’re the funniest.
  • Howie Mandel blames the fact that he loves free swag on his OCD. Blames baldness on his halitosis.
  • David Spade and Heather Locklear have split. In fact, they were never together-together.
  • Lindsay Lohan loves her boobies, so does Brett Ratner.
Posted on May 18th, 2006 | Permalink
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