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21 September
Thursday

While You Were Using 357 Words to Say “I’m Gay”

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  • Oprah is threatening to sue some crazy dude who is running a one-man campaign to get her elected president in 2008. Oprah’s not interested in the presidency, as she’ll become Intergalactic Empress when she’s good and ready.
  • Matt LeBlanc has finally settled his divorce with his ex-wife. She will now receive 40% of all royalties from each “Joey loves sandwiches” joke that airs on future re-runs of Friends, and 100% of all royalties from future re-runs of Joey. Jackpot!
  • Director Brett Ratner defended his ruining of the X-Men franchise by saying, “I wasn’t, you know, worrying about what other people wanted”. He was, however, worried about finding new ways to make cameras fly around and whiz through unnecessary explosions, ridiculous dialogue and a non-existant plot.
  • Rapper DMX is the first man in the world to get away with cheating on wife by claiming he was “raped” by another woman (who also ended up pregnant). Unless she was a sasquatch, I am really having trouble visualizing a lady having her way with an ex-con who’s been shot before and wears industrial-grade chain as a “necklace”.
  • Mel Brooks is adapting his 80′s classic Spaceballs into an animated series for cable network G4. Yoooogurt!
Posted on September 21st, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, Gossip, While You Were...
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20 September
Wednesday

While You Were Feeling Your Heart Explode

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  • A plastic bag has been spotted floating near a shuttle in outer space, thus completely blowing the minds of stoned college kids who think American Beauty* and 2001 are, like, so deep man.
  • While visiting boyfried Pete Doherty in rehab last week, Kate Moss reportedly “got it on” with him in the public garden, proving once again that these two are the Romeo and Juliet of drug-addled enablers. Oh bag of blow, bag of blow – wherefore art thou bag of blow?
  • Jessica Simpson says shooting her movie Employee of the Month “got her through a tough time”. Yes, nothing brightens the days of bitter divorce quite like Dane Cook doing cartwheels while holding his crotch and making fart noises.
  • You know what else healed the wounds of Jessica’s broken matrimony? F*cking some Jackass whose entire life’s work consists of binge drinking, lighting himself on fire and letting crabs dangle from his tongue.
  • To mark the 15th anniversary of Nirvana’s landmark album Nevermind, Courtney Love busts out one of her old classics, “Still Shamelessly Exploiting My Dead Genius Husband For Personal Attention After All These Years”.

*Seriously, it’s a f*cking bag.

Posted on September 20th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, Gossip, While You Were...
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19 September
Tuesday

While You Were Swearing Off the Internet (Again)

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  • After publicly claiming to give up the Internet until 2007, Moby made it only 3 days before hopping right back on his online surfboard. At least he did better than the time he publicly claimed to give up being a self-important hippie, then made it only 3 tenths of a second after the conclusion of that statement before telling us all how evil we are for loving steak.
  • Now that Charlton Heston is getting up there in age (he turns 243 next month), the NRA is looking for a new president, and Tom Selleck seems to be the front-running candidate. Moustache? Check. Starring role in popular 80′s cop show that includes name of hand-gun in title? Check. Tough-sounding result when the word “f*cking” is placed between first and last name? Check. He’s got our vote.
  • According to Blender Magazine, K-Fed is going to die in the year 2032. If you’re bummed out by the length of time between now and then, also consider that, according to Blender Magazine, AFI and Panic! at the Disco are “awesome”.
  • A Memphis, Tennessee cocktail waitress has accused Hank Williams Jr. of “choking her” while she attempted to serve him. Guess someone should have listened a little closer to the lyrics of Hank’s hit country tune, “I Like to Choke Memphis Cocktail Waitresses”.
  • Aaron Carter got engaged in Las Vegas last weekend. Clay Aiken says he’s never been happier. Okay, that was easy, but they’d seriously make a good couple.
Posted on September 19th, 2006 | Permalink
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18 September
Monday

While You Were Watching Zach Braff Mope

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  • Four undercover Martha Stewart operatives were exposed on – and immediately banished from – the set of Rachel Ray’s rival new cooking show. Now that these two homemakers have already hit the matresses for a full on gang war, how long before someone gets iced like a delicious ginger-apple tea?
  • After a public screaming/fortune-cookie-hurling match at her mother’s birthday dinner that climaxed with telling mommy to “go to hell”, Lindsay Lohan drank away her maternal misery at an NYC Fashion Week party, outside of which she fell down and broke her wrist. When released from the hospital, LiLo then mowed down a few Times Square tourists, started a forest fire in Central Park and flew her private jet into the Statue of Liberty. She’s sort of like the Paul Bunyan of partying.
  • Victoria Beckham bent it far enough for her nip to slip out. Very posh.
  • What better way to honor the memory of one’s tragically departed son than by squeezing a final couple hundred thousand bucks out of his lifeless corpse? This, and other helpful tips can be found in the “Anna Nicole Smith Guide to Living”.
  • Mel Gibson’s daughter married guitarist Kenny Wayne Shepherd on Saturday. Mazel Tov!
Posted on September 18th, 2006 | Permalink
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15 September
Friday

While You Were Throwing Out (Up) Raw Spinach

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  • Despite losing several campaigns following her cocaine scandal, Kate Moss is still expected to earn more than $54 million this year. Finally! She’ll be able to afford the good stuff!
  • Dog The Bounty Hunter and two of his co-stars were arrested Thursday. The arrrest went down “without incident’, which Dog admits makes for really, really boring television.
  • Russian officials have changed their minds and will now allow Madonna to blast off into space. They were swayed after being forced to listen to her new album.
  • Thanks to a court ruling, the Rock Star band “Supernova” now has to go by the name “Rock Star Supernova”. So try to remember that in six months when you’re rummaging through the bargain bin.
  • Mariah Carey says God solves all of her problems. She just wishes he had more spare time in 2001 to talk her out of Glitter.
Posted on September 15th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, While You Were...
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14 September
Thursday

While You Were Contemplating Retirement

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  • Britney Spears and K-Fed are rumored to have named their new baby Sutton Pierce Federline. They’re really holding on tight to those SPF initials, aren’t they?
  • Jay-Z is coming out of retirement to release a new CD. The CD will be titled “I’m Retiring Again… Now!”, and will be topical and timely until his inevitable return in 2009.
  • Jennifer Aniston has topped People magazine’s annual Best Dressed list. However, just to knock her down a few pegs, they named Angelina Jolie “Best Undressed”.
  • Paris Hilton is all set to hit up Oktoberfest in Germany. She’s looking forward to the opportunity to drink a lot and act stupid for a change… in Germany.
  • Lifelong Yankees fan Jack Nicholson refused to wear a Red Sox cap in his new film. No joke here; we just included this to remind you that Jack Nicholson is the f**king man.
Posted on September 14th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, While You Were...
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13 September
Wednesday

While You Were Smoking Cigars With K-Fed

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  • Britney Spears did, in fact, give birth to a baby boy early Tuesday morning. Britney is ecstatic about the new addition to the family, and looks forward to trying to maim him in the near future.
  • Russell Crowe is holding a tribute concert for fellow Aussie and friend Steve Irwin. Paul Hogan, Nicole Kidman and Yahoo Serious are expected to attend, for obvious reasons.
  • Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay was arrested for fighting with paparazzi outside a nightclub. Reports have yet to indicate whether there were any real celebrities inside.
  • Axl Rose has been delaying the release of Chinese Democracy for years because he doesn’t want to release a bad album. He prefered to release a bad album with a lot of hype instead.
  • Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild, has been fined $2.1 million for failing to document the ages of the women in his videos. He couldn’t believe that the court doesn’t consider “If there’s grass on the field, Play Ball!” a valid system.
Posted on September 13th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, While You Were...
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12 September
Tuesday

While You Were Trying to Follow The Path to 9/11

By

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  • If you commemorated the 5-year anniversary of 9/11 by watching ABC’s shockingly fictional mini-series about the events leading up to the tragedy, check out this clip highlighting a few other historical liberties the network has taken in the past.
  • But at least US and NYC officials have done such a good job on getting the 9/11 Memorial Hole finished in time.
  • Ben Affleck was voted “best actor” in Venice, winning a Golden Bear for his role in Hollywoodland. We were pretty impressed until we realized “best actress” went to Haylie Duff for her work in Material Girls. Silly Italians.
  • The Law & Order writers seem to be getting pretty lazy. Last year it was the “crazed celebrity Scientologist” episode. This season kicks off with a “pop princess/wannabe rapper deadbeat husband” storyline. What’s next, “The Case of the Alcoholic Jew-hater”?
  • Ian Schrager, legendary hotel mogul and one of the men responsible for the original Studio 54, has banned “the likes of Paris Hilton and her ilk” from his ultra-swanky Gramercy Park Hotel in Manhattan. So if you’re keeping score, doing blow on top of a circus elephant with Truman Capote and Diana Ross: acceptable. Showing up with Brandon Davis and slurring, “hot”: unacceptable.
Posted on September 12th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, Gossip, While You Were...
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11 September
Monday

While You Were Trying To Just Make It Through The Day

By
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  • Paris Hilton’s Bottoms Up co-star has slammed the heiress for being unprofessional and talentless. He also probably slammed her in his trailer, too.
  • PETA has branded Steve Irwin a “cheap reality TV star”. Even the crocodiles Irwin used to harass think PETA’s a little f**ked up for that.
  • Sean “Diddy” Combs can no longer go by “Diddy” in Britain because there’s already a Diddy there. Combs insists he wasn’t trying to steal the name– he was just sampling it.
  • Gibson has created a guitar in honor of Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong. Like Armstrong, the guitar only plays three chords.
  • Pirates of The Caribbean has surpassed the $1 billion mark for Disney. Yet somehow I still don’t know anybody who actually enjoyed it. Do you?
Posted on September 11th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, While You Were...
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8 September
Friday

While You Were Segwaying to In-N-Out Burger…

By

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  • Matthew McConaughey spotted in hotel lobby with two scruffy beards.
  • Did you wear khaki today in memory of The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin? Wait, you didn’t? You animal-slaughtering, stingray-honoring, freedom-hating degenerate. Get the hell out of my sight.
  • Britney Spears might be in labor right now… Or she might be eating ice cream. While we like to think she’s doing both, she should really stick to Caesarean salads* at a time like this.
  • Take a look at Paris Hilton‘s police report. Nothing too noteworthy, although they listed her height as only 5’3″… and we always thought she was taller. This interview pegs her at 5’10″. Do we smell conspiracy theory? A Paris Hilton impersonator? Someone needs to follow up on this.
  • Jonathan Taylor Thomas turns 25 today. Which means I now have to French my 1992 JTT Tiger Beat poster for 25 minutes.
  • *Zing!
Posted on September 8th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Boob Tube, Celebrity, Celebrity Photobooth, Entertainment, Gossip, Movies, Pop Culture, While You Were...
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