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7 January
Thursday

While You Were Hoping Gary Coleman’s Recovery Has Reversed The Curse Of 2009

By

Taylor Swift Fearless

  • Twilight: New Moon won four People’s Choice Awards, including “Favorite Movie” and the equally-coveted “Favorite Vampire Movie”.
  • Tiger Woods’ yacht, called Privacy, temporarily left its Florida dock Wednesday. This was first reported after hundreds of photos of the Privacy leaving dock surfaced, along with seven angles of HD video of the Privacy and recordings of the Privacy in THX stereo sound.
  • Taylor Swift’s Fearless was the top-selling album of 2009, barely edging out Susan Boyle’s debut cd. A narrow third? This opus.
  • Courtney Love announced that Hole will be playing its first show in eleven years this coming February. On the scale of “Will This Actually Happen,” this one ranks somewhere between “Axl Rose playing full show” and “Arrested Development movie in theaters”.
  • Marvel’s Thor will be released in theaters on May 6, 2011. Remember to mark it down in your Way The Hell In Advance Marvel Movie Calendar, right next to “Sub Mariner – October 2095″
  • And last but not least – 3-D televisions??? Just answer two questions for me: How much, and when will Planet Earth be on them?
Posted on January 7th, 2010 | Permalink
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6 January
Wednesday

While You Were Gearing Up For The My Secret Identity DVD Release

By

LINDSAY PATRICK

  • Katy Perry and Russell Brand got engaged while on vacation in India, marking the first time in history that a giant, painted street elephant was able to roll his eyes. Also, they are perfect for each other like unrelated identical twins.
  • Lindsay Lohan has accused ex-BFF Patrick “Pootie” Aufdenkamp of stealing from her, while the rest of the country accuses him of possibly being a gay Nazi war criminal.
  • Sharon Stone is set to make an appearance on Law & Order: SVU, while Sharon Stone’s Vagina has opted to appear on NCIS: Los Angeles.
  • Joan Rivers was not allowed to board a flight to Costa Rica from Newark due to some passport/boarding pass name confusion… so she took to Larry King to talk about it! That gate agent should be fired and then immediately hired to face off against Joan on a new season of Fox’s Celebrity Boxing.
  • What do you get the person who has everything? Boom.
  • The recent passing away of heiress Casey Johnson, also the recent girlfriend of Tila Tequila, is sad and no doubt an early loss. But it’s perhaps this line, spoken by Johnson’s ex-girlfriend to Radar, that is raising the most red flags for us: “On one occasion she (Tila) called me and a male friend screaming, saying people were breaking into her home. When I arrived, she was naked with a kitchen knife screaming, but no one was there.” It’s official: Tila Tequila needs to be stopped.
Posted on January 6th, 2010 | Permalink
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4 January
Monday

While You Were Selling Your Stock In Plastic Zero-Eye Novelty Sunglasses

By

McConaughey Baby

  • The domestic box office posted a record-high $10.61 billion in 2009, up more than 8% from 2008. And just think — if the Feds had gotten to that guy in the Bronx responsible for copying the Wolverine bootleg sooner, that figure could’ve easily surpassed $10.61001 billion.
  • Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves welcomed a baby girl over the weekend, naming her Vida Alves McConaughey. Man, “Vida” is gonna get teased like crazy if she somehow time-travels back to the summer of 1999.
  • Kathy Griffin dropped another F-bomb during CNN’s live New Year’s coverage this year. Well, this year’s was more of an F-firecracker, or possibly an F-Pop Rocks and Coke, but it’s swearier than nothing.
  • The Pennsylvania diner chain Eat n’ Park (my pre-drinking age high school hangout) is suing a Texas cookie company for marketing its own “smiley cookie”, even though 1) It’s in Texas and 2) It’s not really that hard for two people to independently think of putting a frickin’ smiley face on a cookie.
  • And finally, your 2009-10 NFL Playoff teams: Colts, Chargers, Patriots, Bengals, Jets, Ravens in the AFC, Saints, Vikings, Cowboys, Cardinals, Packers, Eagles in the NFC. You know what that means, rest of us: Time to start rooting for the team with the fewest fans in your office (Coooomeeee onnnnnnnn Cardinals….)
Posted on January 4th, 2010 | Permalink
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21 December
Monday

While You Were Yelling At God “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT????”

By

Avatar Angrydude

  • Avatar grossed $73 million domestically in its opening weekend, which fell short of the industry projections, but which also isn’t bad considering the entire northeast looked like the movie Hard Rain if it was a movie about snow instead of rain.
  • Kevin Jonas married his longtime girlfriend Danielle Deleasa over the weekend, and finally fulfilled his brothers’ long-standing dare to bang her through his promise ring.
  • U2 bassist Adam Clayton is taking legal action against his personal assistant who he claims stole over £1.6 million from his accounts. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win the “Best Legal Action Against Embezzlement” Grammy this year.
  • Tiger Woods was named the PGA’s “Player of the Year” on Friday, but I can’t think of any jokes about Tiger Woods being named “Player of the Year”.
  • And finally, Suri Cruise was voted “Most Stylish Celebrity Child” by whatever awful people vote on that.
Posted on December 21st, 2009 | Permalink
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18 December
Friday

While You Were Looking Forward To Watching Scrooged Every Moment Of Every Day

By

Charlie Gibson

  • Twitter says their records were briefly compromised when an “Iranian Cyber Army” hacked into their site. There’s just no telling how much damage that country could do to the U.S. now that they know about Gangs Of New Pork #Pigmoviemashups
  • Hoooooly crap the headline Friends, Colleagues Honor Charlie Gibson and ‘His Remarkable Career’ scared me. As long as it’s 2009, headlines, you have to be sure to include “BUT DON’T WORRY HE’S NOT DEAD” in anything remotely memorial-sounding.
  • Elin Nordegren is reportedly consulting with a high-powered divorce attorney. I’m guessing it’s because she plans to divorce Tiger Woods.
  • Reports have yet to show clear evidence that Tiger Woods’ products have begun to sell less following his scandal. I, for one, do not want a Wii Golf Game if one of the digitized avatars you can select is based on an individual whose marriage is on the rocks (this is actually my only consideration when purchasing any video game).
  • American Idol co-creator / dude whose name you always see at the end of the credits Simon Fuller is developing a new web series called “If I Can Dream”. In the show, contestants will “dream” about singing professionally and perform in front of three “dreamkeeper” judges to try to earn a trip to “Dreamywood” (Hollywood said differently).
Posted on December 18th, 2009 | Permalink
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17 December
Thursday

While You Were Watching Bravo’s Top Chef Reunion Of Bleeps

By

Wolverine Anger

  • A man in The Bronx was arrested today after the FBI pinpointed him as the person who leaked X-Men Origins: Wolverine to the internet before its release, officially ending all crime ever in The Bronx.
  • A source tells ABC News that the Tiger Woods divorce is “100 Percent On”. The source? A Southwest Airlines commercial.
  • Tiger Woods also never flirted with Jessica Simpson, confirmed Jessica Simpson by yelling “Can’t believe that I’m on the cover of star magazine with Tiger Woods, what a JOKE!” really loudly in the middle of a crowd of strangers.
  • Garth Brooks is suing an Oklahoma hospital after donating $500,000 for a building named after his mother that was never actually built. In its defense, the hospital swears they referred to their new company car as the “Garth Brooks’ Mom Lamborghini”.
  • And finally, whatever the opposite of “Merry” is, cue it up for this list of the 19 Most Depressing Nativity Scenes.
Posted on December 17th, 2009 | Permalink
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15 December
Tuesday

While You Were Refusing To Illegally Download Chris Brown’s New CD

By

Up In The Air

  • Up In The Air leads all movies with 6 Golden Globe nominations, followed closely by the movie Nine. Apparently the voters have once again taken part in their annual December 1st mass Men In Black flashy-thinging of themselves.
  • Courtney Love has lost custody of her daughter Frances Bean Cobain, after violating the state of California’s “Wait You’re Not Courtney Love, Are You?” custody law.
  • Chris Brown deleted his Twitter account after launching a tirade against Wal-Mart for refusing to carry his new cd. Who’d have thought the admitted domestic-abuser’s profanity-laced cd would be deemed anywhere near as controversial as that one Mellencamp album with the cartoon devil on the front.
  • Alex Rodriguez was spotted partying with a string of girls at the W Hotel in Miami, reportedly telling one “I’m definitely single,” which is celebrity code for “I’m just dating Kate Hudson.”
  • TMZ reports that Michael Lohan was arrested after calling his ex-girlfriend Erin Muller, but denies the claim, Tweeting ” “WHERES THE MUGSHOT TMZ?? YOU AND YOUR LIES. Harvey is a LOSER.” Kanye West believes him.
Posted on December 15th, 2009 | Permalink
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14 December
Monday

While You Were Proudly Only Forgetting It’s Hanukkah For Two Days This Year

By

NY Post Toxic Tiger Cover

  • International consulting firm Accenture has severed its ties with Tiger Woods, officially ending their prominent ad campaign, “Make really really really smart decisions with Accenture”.
  • Rumors are swirling that Tiger and Elin Nordegren may be talking to lawyers in preparation for a possible divorce. This really came out of left field, didn’t it?
  • The Hurt Locker kicks off this year’s annual December “movie that wins a bunch of minor awards to get Oscar’s attention but hopefully not too many so the Oscars vote against it just to be random.”
  • Mel Gibson is directing a period piece about vikings, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. How is this not a Scorsese picture?? I’m sure the article meant to say “Martin Scorcese will be directing in a plastic Mel Gibson mask”.
  • The History Channel is planning a scripted eight-hour miniseries about the lives of the Kennedys. I wonder if an entire episode will unexpectedly center around the Kennedys’ reaction to Sterling-Cooper.
Posted on December 14th, 2009 | Permalink
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7 December
Monday

While You Were Remembering That You Probably Had Sex with Tiger Woods, Sir

By

BLURFACES

  • Shake a tree in the forest known as Tiger Woods, and the women just flat out fall from the branches. Next up, the 7th woman to claim having an affair with the golfer, shockingly a blond porn star with a fake rack named Holly Sampson, who Tiger apparently flew around the country to sleep with. And the Skanksgiving Tour 2009 keeps on-a rollin.
  • In a related story, trashy photos of Tiger Woods’ 4th mistress have surfaced, featuring the, you guessed it, blond with fake t’s wearing pink lingerie posting with a bunch of blurfaces. Which leads us to believe that Bravo’s new series The Real Housemistresses of Tiger Woods is mere nanoseconds from creation. I swear that blurface in the middle is Slade Smiley.
  • The Blind Side beat New Moon this weekend at the box office, earning $20.4 million and taking the #1 slot. I caught the movie this weekend, and highly recommend it… it’s like Precious, but won’t make you want to die afterwards.
  • And onto some sad news… a tour bus carrying Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo, his wife, their daughter, and nanny, drove off a highway in upstate New York, causing broken ribs to some, and internal damage to the front man. You can send sweaters to St. Mary’s Hospital in upstate NY.
  • Finally, Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray Joel was sent to the hospital this weekend after supposedly overdosing on pills in a suicide attempt. Which is just more fuel for the “rich people also have serious problems” fire. Speedy recovery to all.
Posted on December 7th, 2009 | Permalink
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1 December
Tuesday

While You Were Admiring Baby Bunions

By

SURI CRUISE HEELS

  • Nicole Richie has gotten her own TV show! Let’s hope it stars Paris Hilton as the wacky neighbor, and is also called “Everybody Loves Valtrex.”

  • Katie Holmes is defending Suri’s pick of wearing high heels, though the most obvious defense — that she wants to be just like her father — was left unsaid.
  • When asked about their affair, Tiger Woods’ alleged mistress said “It’s the most ridiculous story. It’s like they are asking me to comment if there are aliens on Earth.” In a related story, aliens living on Earth were quoted as saying “They’re totally doing it.”
  • Nerds have their pocket protectors in a bunch over a hidden Gay elf sex scene in the video game Dragon Age. Oh, but it was OK when Legolas and Frodo did it? Cut it with the double standards, nerds.
  • Pete Doherty apologized to a crowd in Munich after singing a Nazi-approved version of the German National Anthem. After considering it, the Nazis decided to accept his apology. (See? Because even Nazis hate him. Ah, joke explanation. Bye.)
Posted on December 1st, 2009 | Permalink
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