It was revealed that former Vice President Dick Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack on Monday, which is traditionally the diamond heart attack.
While You Were...
FebruaryWednesday
While You Were Starting To Wish The Olympics Were Over By Now
FebruaryMonday
While You Were Wishing You Actually Hated Any Canadians So You Could Gloat
- The U.S. Men’s Hockey Team concluded their Preliminary Round with a 5-3 win over Canada. Needless to say, I’ve been blasting this all morning (language NFSW).
- Bode Miller won a gold medal in the Super Combined, giving him a medal of each color in the Olympics this year. He then immediately won a second gold medal in Looking Like Russell Crowe Would If He Won A Gold Medal.
- The photographer who was kicked by Sean Penn in October claims he needed surgery on his knee. He also claims that the surgery required incinerating seven Ferraris.
- The Hurt Locker took six BAFTA Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director, but lost to Avatar for “Best Literally Made Two Billion Dollars CASH REGISTER NOISE!!!!!”
- Tiger Woods’ mother defended her son after his apology, saying “He didn’t do anything illegal.” Regardless, whenever people do bad things they should apologize to me.
- A University of Oregon wide receiver has been kicked off the football team for an objectionable Facebook post. Said the coach, “We simply weren’t satisfied with the ‘Izzie’ result of his ‘Which Grey’s Anatomy Character Are You?’ quiz.”
FebruaryThursday
While You Were Rooting For Another Even Clippier Office
- Avatar has officially passed up Titanic to become the highest-grossing film in domestic box office history after already setting a new international box office record last week. The film is slated to break baseball’s all-time home run record sometime next week.
- Mo’Nique will host Shaquille O’Neal Presents: All-Star Comedy Jam, a standup special on Showtime. Seems like the logical career progression – “Daughter raped and impregnated by father movie” followed by “Laughin’ it up with Shaq!”
- A Giacometti statue sold for an absurd, all-time record $104.3 million at a Sotheby’s auction Wednesday. If you’re not familiar with Giacometti, it’s an art term meaning “made of heroin.”
- Ever wonder what to do when a vampire approaches your house? Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.
- And finally, no Lost season would be complete without revisiting the ol’ “Who Would You Rather” question…
FebruaryMonday
While You Were Deciding Which Show Not To Watch, The Grammys Or The Pro Bowl
- Beyonce won six Grammy Awards Sunday night, the most ever by a female artist, including the coveted “Pop Star Whose Name Your Mom Gets Right” Award.
- 20-year-old Taylor Swift took home the Album of the Year Grammy Award, becoming the youngest artist ever to do so. She opened her acceptance speech by unexpectedly yelling “Suck it, Silverchair!”
- Rip Torn was arrested after allegedly getting drunk and breaking into a local bank with a handgun. Ball’s in your court, Nolte.
- Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard got engaged. It’s gonna be a rough, penisey morning for Jason Segel when he finds out.
- Three Indian-American-themed comedies are currently being developed by networks, a likely result of Slumdog Millionaire’s success. Two of the pilots focus on a family of Indian immigrants adapting to the U.S., while the third is just Larry The Cable Guy yelling into a camera “why we can’t buy nuthin’ at yer dang convenience stores?”
JanuaryMonday
While You Were Cheering For The Saints’ Nine-Year-Old Kicking Prodigy
- The Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints will meet in Super Bowl XLIV. Personally, I think the Colts are a team of destiny, on account of their having a much better defense.
- The Hope For Haiti Now telethon raised a remarkable $58 million this weekend after their shrewd decision to just show Avatar.
- The cast of Jersey Shore could be replaced after rejecting a contract offer from MTV. I pity whichever poor scab dares to come in to replace Ronnie…
- Inglourious Basterds took the “Best Ensemble Cast” trophy at the SAG Awards this weekend, with Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock winning the individual Actor/Actress awards. Will this be a precursor to the Oscars intentionally picking different things so they can be all “Nahh nahh, look at us, we’re the Oscars”?
- Andy Dick was charged with two counts of sexual abuse after allegedly grabbing a bouncer’s crotch. The other charge was for “Felony Andy Dick Probably Doing Something Else”.
JanuaryThursday
While You Were Finding Zero Google Hits For The Phrase “Team Leno”
- The Conan exit deal is official: $32 million for Consie, $12 million in severance for his staff. Not that he didn’t still get a raw deal from NBC, but I’m also not quiiiiite sure the Facebook photos are still necessary. (P.S. – No one with internet isn’t on Team Coco).
- Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie are planning a sequel to “We Are The World” to benefit Haiti. That’s all well and good, but I’m still waiting for my damn sequel to “All Night Long”.
- Tara Reid is now engaged. Sorry, guys who’ve been frozen in an ice cave since 2002.
- Indie rockers Vampire Weekend are currently #1 on the Billboard charts, which is a huge deal because…it means they’re more successful than Susan Boyle in her eighth week of release.
- And finally, dead bunny commercials make me thirsty.
JanuaryWednesday
While You Were Thinking There’s No Way Idol Will Ever Get Repetitive
- As rumored, 500 Days Of Summer director Marc Webb has signed on to direct the upcoming Spider-Man reboot. Eli Arachnid and Comicz McSpidermovie will executive produce.
- Amy Winehouse avoided jailtime by pleading guilty to common assault and disorder this morning. Fortunately, England doesn’t have a “three strikes and you’re out” policy; instead, she’s still fine under England’s more lenient “get out-googlyed for an entire weeklong cricket friendly and you have lost, sir.”
- After a dynamite MLK weekend, Avatar will almost certainly pass Titanic on the all-time box office charts sometime this week. James Cameron plans to celebrate the landmark by having a f*ckload of money.
- Charlie Daniels suffered a minor stroke over the weekend, probably from having to repeat that damn Geico ad every time TNT goes to commercial.
- The final season of Lost is promising to make fans way more annoying than ever before. Weird — I thought The Onion usually just did fake news.
JanuaryTuesday
While You Were Honoring Dr. King By Spending 21 Straight Hours In Pajamas
- Conan O’Brien is close to signing a $40 million deal to walk away from the Tonight Show. I’m starting to think — and bear with me here, it might sound totally crazy — that NBC really screwed up. I don’t know, I’m just throwing some wild theories out there.
- Barack Obama’s State Of The Union Address has been set for January 27th, thus sparing the president some violent impeachment protests from rabid Lost fans.
- A group of hackers in Russia tinkered with an electronic roadside billboard to have it display hardcore pornography. Frankly, Japan’s a little jealous that Russia beat them to this ridiculous tech-and-porn related internet story.
- NFL Championship Weekend will be the Saints vs. the Vikings and the Colts vs. the Jets with the Super Bowl hanging in the balance. C’mon Saints… I’m sure every sportswriter in the country has their “New Orleans has fallen on tough times lately…” column rarin’ to go and their fingers on their ‘enter’ buttons…
- Country singer Carl Smith, the former husband of June Carter Cash, has died at the age of 82. I’ll bet a bunch of my Facebook friends will randomly be fans of his today.
JanuaryThursday
While You Were Having One Of Those “Let’s Pretend Pop Culture Matters This Week” Weeks
- Ivan Reitman confirmed he will direct a third Ghostbusters movie and hopes to begin shooting it this year. He failed to comment on whether the movie will be “odds-defyingly good” or “really disappointing.”
- Beyonce and Jay-Z were Hollywood’s highest-earning couple in 2009, beating out Brad & Angelina and the surprise second-place duo of Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart. Man, that Ally McBeal dancing baby just continues to be an annual cash cow.
- This list of the 10 Worst Tree Removal Fails raises the question – are there any tree removal successes on the internet?
- Despite various dramatic online rumors, police figured out that Heidi and Spencer have not been kidnapped after conducting an investigation. The investigation, of course, consisted of one cop thinking for two seconds and deciding this was obviously a frickin’ internet hoax.
- And finally, Oprah interviewed Adam Lambert. What’s she gonna rip off from Michelle Collins next? Celebrity Math?
JanuaryMonday
While You Were Beginning Every Conversation With “How ‘Bout This [F-Word] Leno Thing?”
- Balloon Boy dad Richard Heene began his 90-day jail sentence today. That should give VH1 more than enough time to have 4-5 pitches ready for him the minute he walks out.
- The Vatican paper called Avatar a “spiritual dud”. To salt the wounds, the Vatican paper also called The Squeakquel “The New Jesus”.
- A paparazzo struck by Lindsay Lohan’s driver is threatening legal action, claiming “Of course I’m going to sue them … but I don’t care about the money.” He then added, “Of course I’m gonna go eat lunch now, but I don’t care about the food.”
- Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have reportedly reserved November 5, 2010 as their wedding date. Sorry, ladies. And New York Post columnists.
- Leap Year shockingly dethroned Avatar to take the weekend box office crown, grossing $48.5 million. Nahhhhh, just kidding – it was Avatar again. That was my new Monday morning featurette, “Having a Josh”.
