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29 August
Friday

While You Were Shouting Out “Yes We Can!” During Sex

By

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  • David Duchovny is in rehab for sex addiction, or as the Showtime publicity people like to call it, Californication.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s uncle has been sentenced to a year in prison for defrauding 9/11 relief funds. Wow, I think we may have finally found the worst living Lohan.
  • Tim Gunn says Miley Cyrus is “too tarty”, which is 15 year-old for “she acts like a tramp”.
  • Are the girls in Danity Kane squabbling over which one Diddy likes best. Silly ladies, you Diddy loves all his Danity divas equally.
  • Charles Barkley says he’s thinking about running for governor of Alabama, which would pretty much be the awesomest thing to happen to Alabama since…well, I don’t think anything that awesome has ever happened in Alabama before.
Posted on August 29th, 2008 | Permalink
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28 August
Thursday

While You Were Celebrating The 45th Anniversary Of Martin Luther King Jr’s Dream

By

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  • Michael Phelps will host the season premiere of SNL on September 13. I don’t know about his comedy chops, but he definitely looks funny. (Hey-O! I’m apparently Henny Youngman this morning.)
  • Rap mogul and all-around scumbag Suge Knight was arrested for violently beating his girlfriend while brandishing a knife. Beating on poor Vanilla Ice is one thing, but this is just flat out unacceptable.
  • Meanwhile, OJ Simpson’s daughter beat him up in a fit of rage, but showed uncharacteristic restraint by not also murdering him.
  • You guys better tell your friends to start watching Gossip Girl, because I honestly don’t know what I would do with myself if they took my Chuck Bass away.
  • George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend reportedly cheated on George Clooney with a media mogul (read: fat guy). Makes sense.
Posted on August 28th, 2008 | Permalink
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27 August
Wednesday

While You Were Unable To Resist Making The Speech All About You

By

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  • You know what’s worse than your mom talking about having sex with your dad? You mom talking about the time your dad died while having sex with her. In a book. Poor Matthew McConaughey.
  • Michael Phelps is being paid 1.6 million dollars to write a book as soon as he learns how to write.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s special lady friend Samantha Ronson is also planning to write a book of her own. Not really sure what it could possibly be about, but I think it should be called I Am Lesbian.
  • Even Michael Phelps’ mom got an endorsement deal, with mom-clothing retailer Chico’s. She may also show up on the front of a FiberOne cereal box.
  • Uh-oh, Nicollette Sheridan realized that she’s dating Michael Bolton again.
Posted on August 27th, 2008 | Permalink
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26 August
Tuesday

While You Were Flipping Back And Forth Between The Hills and Falling In Love With The Future First Lady

By

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  • Jennifer Hudson will be singing the National Anthem on Thursday prior to Barack Obama’s address to the Democratic National Convention in Denver. No word yet on whether she’ll do a few numbers from Dreamgirls with Barack singing the Eddie Murphy parts.
  • Meanwhile, raggaeton star Daddy Yankee has finally ended the suspense and given his crucial presidential endorsement to old Johnny McCain.
  • Britney Spears apparently isn’t planning to try a do-over for last year’s disastrous performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, but she will be appearing in some capacity. It’s good to start slow, try just getting out a smile or a few nice words without calamity, then build from there.
  • Justin Long and Kirsten Dunst are apparently seeing each other. Doesn’t Hollywood just seem like a giant game of Spin The Bottle sometimes?
  • Amy Poehler is curating a celebrity mix tape for Merge Records. We can finally find out how she really feels about us!
Posted on August 26th, 2008 | Permalink
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25 August
Monday

While You Were Saying Bye To The All-Beijing All-The-Time Channel

By

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  • An LA cop pulled his gun on Diddy during a routine traffic stop this weekend. The officer was later cited for improper brandishing of a firearm and excessive bitchassness.
  • Gwen Stefani has given birth to her second child, a boy named Zuma Nesta Rock. It’s like they just drew three words out a hat filled with wacky rock star baby names.
  • Here’s a depressing way to start your Monday morning: see how much the brainsucks on The Hills make per episode!
  • Is hot new celebrity couple Mayerazzi on the outs!?! We were just starting to get used to them.
  • Hey kids, Gary Glitter’s back in London!
Posted on August 25th, 2008 | Permalink
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18 August
Monday

While You Were Winning The 100-Meter Dash With A Light Trot

By

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  • Jamaica’s freakishly-tall-for-a-
    sprinter Usain “Lightning” Bolt glided easily to a gold medal and world record this weekend at the Olympic men’s 100-meter dash, even slowing down and making victory gestures before crossing the finish line, proving once again that glittery gold shoes are for winners. (Slate)
  • Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi tied the knot this weekend at a small, elegant ceremony at their home in Beverly Hills. Portia looked like a princess in a Zac Posen gown, and Ellen wore the Zac Posen pants in the relationship. (E! Online)
  • John Mayer has spoken about his breakup from Jennifer Aniston, saying, “It’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.” Having said that…I only like you as a friend. It’s not you, it’s me. Let’s hang out sometime. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 4 groupies waiting and this boner isn’t going to take care of itself! Byeee! (Just Jared)
  • Kanye West’s favorite white girl is Scarlett Johansson. Literally. He has an entry on his blog entitled “My New Favorite White Girl!” followed by a bunch of pictures of ScarJo. Who was his favorite white girl before this? No one can be sure, but my guess is that it was one of these two. (Kanye’s Blog)
  • Madonna turned 50 this weekend. Commence re-invention #3,432…..now. (popbytes)
  • Michael Phelps is better than you. (WSJ)
Posted on August 18th, 2008 | Permalink
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15 August
Friday

While You Were Still Not Knowing What To Do With Yourself Thursday Nights At 10

By

Ellen and Portia

Posted on August 15th, 2008 | Permalink
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14 August
Thursday

While You Were Hearing The Name “Michael Phelps” Seven Times Per Second

By

Valkyrie

  • Tom Cruise’s Nazi movie has been moved yet again, this time up to December 26, 2008, so I now gots some plans for midnight on Christmas.
  • The cast of Dallas is planning to reunite for its Thirty Year Anniversary. Unless Patrick Duffy is preoccupied with his fifteen year Step By Step anniversary.
  • Madonna’s reps are vehemently denying that she is planning to adopt another African baby. Because, you know, that would just be one horrible scandal.
  • The U.S. Men’s Basketball Team stuck it to Greece this morning, 92-69, as an anxiously torn Jessie Katsopolis watched on, unsure who to root for.
  • Lindsay Lohan slammed the rumor that her fourteen year old sister Ali had breast implants, saying “my mother taught us to appreciate what we had been given,” before setting her glass of beer and purse down on each of her boobs.
Posted on August 14th, 2008 | Permalink
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13 August
Wednesday

While You Were Trying To Get The Damn Olympic Theme Out Of Your Head

By

Grenier Lucas

  • Michael Phelps won his tenth and eleventh gold medals of his career last night, two more than any other athlete in Olympic history, finally giving him enough to fulfill his lifelong dream of filming his own Goldfinger remake.
  • Adrian Grenier and girlfriend Isabel Lucas have broken up just two weeks after Lucas was riding shotgun with Shia LaBeouf during his car wreck. Grenier learned a valuable lesson about women — once they go LaBeouf, you never feel so LaTeouf.
  • Protesters gathered outside the Tropic Thunder premiere yesterday chanting to ban the use of the word “retard,” a reference to an Oscar-baiting role once played by Ben Stiller’s lead character. Where were you guys when that other dark comedy I Am Sam was out?
  • NBC’s Olympic coverage dominated the ratings this week, giving NBC its biggest frame in 2 1/2 years since people finally stopped forgetting that Seinfeld was over and tuning in to the network on Thusday nights.
  • The Boston Red Sox blew a 10-0 lead last night but came back to beat the Texas Rangers 19-17 at Fenway Park’s “Turn Back The Clocks To 1998″ Legal Steroids Night.
Posted on August 13th, 2008 | Permalink
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12 August
Tuesday

While You Were Waiting For This Olympic Crap To End So We Can Resume Nashville Star

By

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  • Michael Phelps won his third gold medal at the Beijing Games, keeping his goal of an unprecedented eight gold medals alive. In a comparable story of athletic triumph, I managed to the gym Sunday then treated myself to Belgian Waffles.
  • Angelina Jolie is taking over the lead role in a C.I.A. thriller originally intended for Tom Cruise. The role isn’t very specific; it just calls for someone with flawless children who’s on a lot of magazine covers and may or may not be batsh*t insane.
  • Disney is making a movie about Triple Crown-winning racehorse Secretariat, which will just be the movie Seabiscuit with John Ratzenberger’s voice dubbing in the word “Secretariat” every time Tobey Maguire says the horse’s name.
  • Come on, Penelope Cruz — just once I want to hear a Hollywood actress belt out “yeah, I’m really f*cking hot, and I’m cool with it.”
  • Here are the promos for the MTV Video Music Awards featuring British comedian Russell Brand and some familiar-looking blond chick.
Posted on August 12th, 2008 | Permalink
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