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While You Were...

23 March
Tuesday

While You Were Catching Up On Lost: The High School Years

By

  • Sandra Bullock is allegedly dumping Jesse James. Get in line, faithful carnival freaks.
  • Sarah Palin is close to a deal with A&E for her new travelogue show Sarah Palin’s Alaska, in which sweeping shots of Alaskan wilderness are transposed with audio of comedians celebrating that they have an excuse to continue recycling Palin material.
  • Michael Jackson’s doctor allegedly hid a bunch of drugs before dialing 9-1-1. This is news? Isn’t that the first thing we all do before dialing 9-1-1?
  • Chris Evans, the actor who played Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies, has signed a deal to play Captain America. The studio jumped at the opportunity to hire Evans, figuring that they wouldn’t have to put in much effort to make this not the most worthless superhero franchise he’s ever starred in.
  • Stephen Sondheim will be honored by having a Broadway theater named after him. The first show in the Stephen Sondheim Theater? Another Chicago remake starring Kirstie Alley and TBA Idol Castoff.
  • Are you an assh*ole? Check this handy list of the 6 Different Types Of Assh*oles, and see if you fit in. Fortunately, “Dude who takes way too long to explain why obscure Simpsons quote is applicable and gets mad at you for not finding it as funny as you should” isn’t on the list.
  • And finally, Syfy dares to ask the question – Have you ever seen a really big snake?
Posted on March 23rd, 2010 | Permalink
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22 March
Monday

While You Were Pretty Sure That’s The Last We’ll Ever Hear Of Healthcare Reform

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  • The Healthcare Reform Bill passed by seven votes and heads to Obama’s desk this afternoon. No word on whether Obama plans to sign the bill or fold it into a paper airplane and whip it across congress while drunkenly karaokeing “We Are The Champions”.
  • Hogwarts has been partially destroyed in a set fire during the filming of the final Harry Potter installment. Sure, the kids will be happy to have days off now, but it’s gonna blow when they’re stuck taking magic finals in July.
  • Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fischer got married over the weekend. Hopefully a sack wasn’t involved.
  • There’s gossip magazines landing exclusive scoops, and then there’s gossip magazines landing super-exclusive 10-scoop megacones.
  • And last but not least, this made me laugh. It’s nice to be back on the internet.
Posted on March 22nd, 2010 | Permalink
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11 March
Thursday

While You Were Watching Your VHS Copy Of The Lost Boys You Taped Off Cable

By

  • Fox has pushed back the release of the Oliver Stone and Shia LeBeouf joint Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps from April to September. They are also changing the name to Wall Street: Money Sits On Its Lazy Ass All Summer Playing X-Box.
  • Bravo announced a new series “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” the fifth now in the franchise. At the rate they’re going, Bravo should have a “Real Housewives” series in every town in America by this November.
  • Lindsay Lohan is pushing forward with her lawsuit against E-Trade for their “Lindsay the Milkoholic Baby” ad, insisting it was based on her.  You laugh now, but one day our kids will be all too familiar with the landmark Supreme Court Case of “Lohan v. Logic.”
  • Mario Lopez and his girlfriend are having a baby. If he doesn’t name it Slater (boy or girl) there’s going to be some problems.
  • Bill Gates fell all the way from number 1 to number 2 on the 2010 Forbes Rich List. Someone get on suicide watch ASAP.
  • Jamie Junger won the “Tiger Woods Mistress Pageant” on the Howard Stern show. See kids, dreams really do come true in America.
Posted on March 11th, 2010 | Permalink
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9 March
Tuesday

While You Were Baking A Shiv In To A Cake For Lil Wayne

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  • Betty White has confirmed that she will appear on Saturday Night Live. Hopefully Keenan Thompson is already working on his Rue McClanahan impression.
  • Lindsay Lohan is reportedly suing E-Trade over their new commercial character “Lindsay the Milkaholic Baby,” claiming it is based on her. She is also suing Froot Loops for their new mascot “Cokehead the Anorexic Turtle.”
  • The ratings for this year’s Oscars were up 14% to 41 million people. To ride the ratings momentum, next year’s awards will be hosted by Peyton Manning and renamed “The Super Bowl Olympics Idol.”
  • Kathy Ireland disputes claims that she was on meds or alcohol while interviewing celebrities on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. However, her limp right arm is being suspiciously silent on the matter.
  • Dane Cook and two of the Jonas Brothers have reportedly auditioned for the role of Captain America in the upcoming movie. If any one of those gets the role, I will definitely be moving to Captain Canada.
  • Thanks to Conan O’Brien, the one person he follows on Twitter can now pay for her dream wedding. The ceremony will be presided over by the Reverend Masturbating Bear.
Posted on March 9th, 2010 | Permalink
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8 March
Monday

While You Were Queen Of The World

By

  • Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director at the Oscars and her film The Hurt Locker took Best Picture. As per the new Academy rules, however, she has to let James Cameron lick both statues.
  • Despite lasting over three hours last night, the Oscars had to cut the traditional number of Hitler jokes down to just two.
  • Christoph Waltz won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Inglourious Basterds. If history has its way, he should be starring in the Boat Trip sequel by this time next year.
  • At the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night, Jennifer Aniston was spotted making out with one of the prawns from District 9. She’ll never learn, that one.
  • In one of the biggest snubs of the night, Fisher Stevens, producer of the winning documentary The Cove, forgot to thank his Short Circuit costar Johnny 5. It was sooo awkward.
  • Tim Burton‘s Alice In Wonderland made $116,000,000 this weekend, making it a shoo-in to lose to The Hurt Locker 2: Locked N’ Loaded next year.
Posted on March 8th, 2010 | Permalink
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5 March
Friday

While You Were Welcoming Back Not Tape-Delayed Giant Slalom

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  • Sandra Bullock joked that if Meryl Streep wins, “I’m gonna beat the sh** out of her!” Funny, I almost said the exact same thing when I saw that a certain movie was nominated for Best Picture.
  • Sean Penn essentially wished “rectal cancer” on his critics. Not because he wants them to die, but so he can study their suffering in obsessively painstaking detail for an upcoming Oscar-baiting role.
  • Gerard Butler says he’s ready to settle down “in another 25 to 30 years.” And by ‘settle down,’ of course, he means “be as much like Peter O’Toole as I can.”
  • Here’s your Alice In Wonderland primer, in case the movie’s already confusing the hell out of you before you’ve decided to go see it.
  • Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart welcomed a new baby girl. I think it’s been about nine months since a certain popular online video…
Posted on March 5th, 2010 | Permalink
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2 March
Tuesday

While You Were Excited For The Return Of That Decent Hour Of NBC Programming

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  • Lil’ Wayne will begin his jail term today after a brief postponement to have dental surgery. Maybe I’ve seen too many cartoons, but I’m guessing the dentist was his mom in a mustache and I’d check his teeth for a file.
  • Jake proposed to Vienna in the season finale of The Bachelor. Was that the girl he murdered or whatever? I’ve only been loosely following the season through magazine covers.
  • O.J. Simpson donated his acquittal suit to the Smithsonian, though a spokesperson for the museum says they’re unlikely to accept it. When they attempted to break this news to Simpson, he was in the process of stealing it back.
  • More than three million Cablevision subscribers in the New York metro area may miss this weekend’s Oscar telecast if the provider fails to reach an agreement with a local ABC affiliate. Fortunately, with the new nomination rules and it being the Oscars and all, they still have until about 12 noon next Tuesday before Best Picture is announced.
  • And finally, Robert Pattinson is indeed quite bothered.
Posted on March 2nd, 2010 | Permalink
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1 March
Monday

While You Were Letting The Canadians Win Cause You Felt Bad

By

  • The Canadian hockey team beat the United States 3-2 in overtime to win the gold medal in the final event of the 2010 Olympics. Bastards… wanna go double or nothing on March tourism revenue?
  • As for the final medal count, the US led the way with 37 medals, 7 more than Germany, but Canada managed 14 golds to the US’s 9. But the real winner here is Norway, because, c’mon, they’re Norway. Way to go Norway!
  • In non-Olympic news, Snooki and Vinny from Jersey Shore are both fine after glass fell from the ceiling at a party and landed close to them. Vinny immediately struck back by sleeping with the glass’s girlfriend.
  • The fourth Shrek movie will open the 2010 Tribeca Film Festival in New York. The film is a gritty indie pic about a drug-addled, down-on-his-luck green dude in Postwar Germany who shows his penis a lot.
  • Roger Ebert has been given a computerized “voice” by a Scottish tech company, which he’ll debut on Oprah this week. Said Michael Bay, “Awww, crap.”
Posted on March 1st, 2010 | Permalink
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26 February
Friday

While You Were Buried In Sixty Eight Feet Of Snow At This Point

By

  • John Mayer apologized for being “an A-hole” at a concert at Madison Square Garden last night. He added, “From now on, I will only ever be a d-bag and a bit of a prick.”
  • The Canadian women’s Olympic hockey team won the gold medal last night and celebrated with beer, champagne, and cigars on the ice. That may explain why Rip Torn was with them.
  • Jerry Seinfeld is in trouble with the NYPD for using official police parking credentials on his car. He tried to explain it was just a plot device to connect George and Elaine’s storylines.
  • Actor Seth Green got engaged to girlfriend Clare Grant. Sorry ladies, you had your chance. Should have locked him down after Airborne.
  • Simon Cowell also reportedly got engaged. However, in five years he can opt out and be replaced in the marriage by Howard Stern.
  • Two and a Half Men star Jon Cryer was allegedly the target of a hit from his ex-wife. Charlie Sheen isn’t looking so dysfunctional now, is he?
Posted on February 26th, 2010 | Permalink
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25 February
Thursday

While You Were Eagerly Awaiting Conan O’Brien’s Next Tweet

By

  • It’s being rumored that The Office star John Krasinski is in the running for the lead in Captain America. If he gets the role, most of the movie will just feature light sexual tension with The Invisible Woman.
  • The students at Ole Miss are voting on a new mascot, and beloved Star Wars Rebel strategist Admiral Akbar is currently a front runner. This would be the best sci-fi movie mascot since the UNLV Total Recall Three-boobed Aliens.
  • Mary-Kate Olsen has split from her boyfriend and was seen kissing actor Josh Hartnett in London. This is especially juicy news for gossip magazines in 2004.
  • Ben Stiller may be gearing up for a sequel to Zoolander, and not a moment too soon. College frat guys were running out of lines to quote.
  • Chris Brown says he supports Tiger Woods. Because when the whole world hates you, Chris Brown’s support is the first thing you want.
  • The USA Olympic hockey team beat Switzerland yesterday to advance to the semifinals. Kurt Russell is already being attached to star in Miracle 2: Go Canuck Yourself.
Posted on February 25th, 2010 | Permalink
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