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24 April
Friday

While You Were Turning The Turntables

By

Rihanna painting

  • Rihanna is writing new songs about “things that inspire her,” a friend says. Her upcoming single, “Eff You Bris Chrown” is due out in May.
  • A mistake by a pharmacy resulted in the deaths of 21 polo horses in Florida. The mistake? The classic “mistook arsenic-covered hay for non-arsenic-covered hay” switcheroo.
  • Salma Hayek’s Mac email account was hacked, revealing some astonishing scandalous secrets such as “she still uses the default email background.” Whoooahoaaa!!! Good luck getting work in family films again!!
  • I already love this pun-sign making child as if he were my own.
  • Eminem says his next album, Relapse 2, is almost finished. Just a little matter of deleting this embarrassing thing…
  • And if you haven’t already, take a moment to read the entire Kenny Powers Twitter – language NSF f***ing Work. (via Gorillamask)
Posted on April 24th, 2009 | Permalink
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23 April
Thursday

While You Were Captivated By Lost: Constant Voiceover Edition

By

Anoop n Lil

  • Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds were voted off American Idol last night, leaving just five contestants remaining, though I’m still waiting for the season-shattering “return of Tatiana del Toro yet again” twist.
  • The dad who was reportedly attempting to sell Slumdog actress Rubinia Ali has been cleared after explaining to authorities the amazing coincidences from his childhood that gave him the knowledge to decide to sell his daughter.
  • The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are returning to the big screen with a 2011 film about the group’s origins. The movie is set in a boardroom with a director saying “ok, what do kids like? Ninjas, pizza, turtles — boom, make it happen.
  • Paula Abdul claims she’s never been drunk or addicted to pills. I’m not sure I believe she’s as moral and angelic as Gene Simmons…
  • A minor league baseball team in North Carolina ejected its “Bat Dog,” Master Yogi Berra, for relieving itself on the field, marking the first time a dog has ever been thrown out of a professional baseball game. It will be replaced by Pokey, the Hopefully Not-Crapping Bat Horse.
Posted on April 23rd, 2009 | Permalink
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22 April
Wednesday

While You Were Smartly Starting An In-Depth Gay Marriage Debate On A Pop Culture Site

By

MJ

  • Michael Jackson is still drawing a crowd in Los Angeles. Or that might be Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe, it’s hard to tell.
  • FAST NEWS DAY ALERT: Condolezza Rice Dines With Randy Jackson. We’ll have hourly updates about what the pair was eating, what they talked about, and whether or not Condy had “a couple pitchy things.”
  • Faith Hill posed as a number of famous blondes in a Redbook Photospread, including Grace Kelly, Twiggy, and Lindsay Lohan doing the same thing as Marilyn Monroe.
  • Speaking of Lindsay, she’s apparently “drowning her sorrows in a sea of men.” And if that’s as literal as it sounds, it’s disgusting.
  • A court has denied Rod Blagojevich’s request to travel for NBC’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Apparently his “No, seriously, I’m a celebrity, get me out of here” defense didn’t hold up.
Posted on April 22nd, 2009 | Permalink
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21 April
Tuesday

While You Were Recovering From A Crazy 4:20 Of Cooking Dinner And Going To Bed

By

Slumdog Fight

  • The mother and stepmother of Rubinia Ali, the Slumdog Millionaire actress recently put up for sale, got into a fight in the streets of Mumbai yesterday. Ladies, please — take out your aggression on that shady dude who was blinding kid singers.
  • The Twilight sequel is entering production despite a lawsuit against Stephenie Meyer from her friend, who claims that Meyer stole her idea for a book about teenage vampires who sparkle when the sun hits them and also one of them makes an effort to only suck animal blood.
  • Lindsay Lohan is reportedly close to signing up for a Las Vegas stripshow, and I have absolutely no problems with this story.
  • “Adults Steering Clear Of Movies Because of Economy” makes a lot of sense, because most children still have their jobs and money in these tough times.
  • Justin Timberlake’s reality show The Phone debuts on MTV tonight; JT describes the show as “We take four people and put them through a game of hell basically,” meaning, he calls people up and forces them to watch whatever reality show is airing on VH1 opposite their timeslot.
Posted on April 21st, 2009 | Permalink
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20 April
Monday

While You Were Saying “This Miss U.S.A. Crap Still Happens?” For The Ninth Straight Year

By

Rubina

  • The father of Slumdog Millionaire actress Rubina Ali is putting her up for sale for $300,000. First off, that’s despicable, and second, anyone wanna go halfsies?
  • Madonna suffered minor bruises after being thrown from a horse in The Hamptons this weekend. In response, the horse suffered major having its legs torn off.
  • 17 Again led the weekend box office with $24 million, while Crank: High Voltage made only $6.5 million and finished 6th. I’m glad that some people still refuse compromise their art to appeal to the masses (go Stath!)
  • Lindsay Lohan is reportedly back to guys, and specifically Leonardo DiCaprio. That’s like being a vegetarian for two years then suddenly trying to eat an entire pork-filled cow.
  • Also, Ellen Pompeo is pregnant. Also, I saw her outside a Starbucks when I was in L.A. a few months ago. Also I impregnated her.
Posted on April 20th, 2009 | Permalink
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17 April
Friday

While You Were Putting Candles In Your Volcano Cake

By

SURI CRUISE BDAY.jpg

  • Suri Cruise has turned 3 years old! Wow, and it seems like only yesterday that her mother was pregnant for 18 months.
  • I was thisclose to joining Twitter — something I’ve been putting off for many months — but then Ashton Kutcher went and did this, and once again, I’m like “Nah.”
  • Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel was wined and dined by the only caramalized apple I would ever consider bearing children with, Alex Rodriguez, in Miami. But it wasn’t a match! Apparently, Bethenny wasn’t “strippy” enough for him. Still, you know Kelly Killoren Bensimmon Ed is pissing her riding pants right about now.
  • OUT-BREAKING NEWS: Ali Lohan has the lip herp. She is her mother’s daughter/sister’s sister.
  • And in the strangest news story we’ve seen today, Elton John is expected at Andy Roddick’s wedding. We hope Roddick could use some Versace china, because clearly that is what he is getting.
Posted on April 17th, 2009 | Permalink
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15 April
Wednesday

While You Were Ruining the F**king Surprise

By

DIAMOND GLOVE 1.jpg

  • Rumors are circulating that Britney Spears is close to marrying a 40 year old real estate developer she met in rehab. The couple will marry, she will bear his children, they will divorce, she will loser her mind, have the most amazing comeback career of her life, while he will turn into a fat gangsta golfer. It’s going to be adorable.
  • To those of you who have stashed away a couple of hundie thousands to purchase Michael Jackson’s beloved goods, we’ve got some bad news: The auction has been cancelled. Don’t even get Bubbles started, he’s a wreck.
  • Disgraced Governer Rob Blagojevich is signing up to star on an upcoming NBC reality show, hopefully entitled Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, because that title is almost exactly as rere as the man himself.
  • An Austrian woman has been sent to a psychiatric ward after stalking CSI actor David Caruso. Not so much because of the stalking as the fact that she was stalking David Caruso.
  • Don’t get excited: Maggie Gyllenhaal has not been cast in the movie version of The Nanny. There is still hope for you, woman who played Janice on Friends.
  • LAST REMINDER: My show tonight at the UCB Theater. I’ve been up all night finalizing the most amazing Powerpoint presentation you’ll ever see. But you will only see it if you reserve tickets and show up. There will be free Luna bars and drinks for a lucky few.
Posted on April 15th, 2009 | Permalink
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13 April
Monday

While You Were Marvelling at Hot Pink and Yellow Vom

By

WHITE HOUSE DOG.JPG

Posted on April 13th, 2009 | Permalink
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10 April
Friday

While You Were Thinking It’s GREAT Friday

By

ROSS N RACHEL.JPG

  • Upon hearing news that Lindsay Lohan wants to play her part in a Fleetwood Mac biopic, Stevie Nicks said “Over my dead body.” And in a related story, Stevie Nicks has been found bludgeoned to death. The suspect is said to be 5’2, 17 pounds, long red hair, and muttering to herself.
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. are expecting a baby! We hope it’s a boy, because Freddie Prinze Jr. Squared is maybe the most adorable name ever.
  • Is it possible that all of Jennfer Aniston‘s love ups and downs were all a continued Friends plot line? Because now she’s saying she wants a baby with David Schwimmer, and, to be honest, we’re kind of excited about it. Ross N’ Rach 4VR.
  • Prince has written a love song to his secret crush Salma Hayek. The song is called “I Want 2 Feel U Up With My Lil’ Lady Hands Salma Hayek.”
  • Katie Lee Joel is supposedly cheating on hubby Billy Joel with a hot, young fashion designer. Which is bad news for Billy, but good news for Billy, as I’ll gladly move to the Hamptons and polish his ivories ifuknowwhuddddimean.
Posted on April 10th, 2009 | Permalink
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9 April
Thursday

While You Were Feeling Blind-Sided

By

PHELPS FULL RETARD.JPG

  • Donald Trump and Khloe Kardashian have taken their Celebrity Apprentice feud to the net. You know, there’s really only one way to settle this… Jello wrasslin.
  • And in a dramatic attempt to separate his mall cop movie from that other, more family friendly mall cop movie, Seth Rogen apparently date rapes Anna Faris in Observe and Report.
  • Gay porn star Jack Wrangler passed away at 62. And somewhere in heaven, Montgomery Clift just got a while lot happier.
  • Finally, Micheal Phelps was spotted going “Full Retard” at NYC nightclub Marquee: “Michael was definitely having a good time,” an eyewitness tells us. “He was drinking straight from a bottle of Grey Goose, and when the deejay started playing M.I.A.’s ‘Paper Planes,’ he got up, started dancing like a loon and kept on yelling, ‘Shots!’” Yes… he’s that guy.
  • Sidenote: Why does the set of Jerry Springer look like a streetcorner on Mars in Total Recall? Is it some sort of mutant theme?
Posted on April 9th, 2009 | Permalink
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