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19 May
Tuesday

While You Were Gearing Up For Some Sweet MLK Oscar-Exploitation

By

MLK

  • Dreamworks has acquired the life rights to Martin Luther King Jr and will release a biopic about Dr. King’s life produced by Steven Spielberg. I realize “acquiring life rights” is a standard industry term, but it always sounds like a studio literally bought the person’s corpse so they can begin having sex with it in Oscar-baiting biopic form.
  • Lifetime will air a new comedy called “Sherri” starring View co-host Sherri Shepherd. The show will just be unedited footage of anything Shepherd has ever said on The View.
  • Woody Allen dropped his American Apparel lawsuit for $5 million. He’ll receive $2 million in cash, and $3 million in unspecified “favors.”
  • Fox has officially canceled Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Now we may never get to see the additional spin-off series, Term-s of Endearment.
  • The rapper Dolla was shot and killed in an L.A. mall. A record executive commented, “There was a time when we would’ve been thrilled by this, but I’m sure people are just gonna illegally download his music now, making it a true tragedy.”
Posted on May 19th, 2009 | Permalink
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18 May
Monday

While You Were Glad Swine Flu Jokes Appear To Be Under Control

By

MJ mask

  • Michael Jackson is reportedly suffering from skin cancer. His attorney quickly issued a statement, saying “these charges against my client are bogus and I’m confident Michael will soon be cleared of any wrong doing.”
  • Universal is still milking its deal with Hasbro, with a movie based on the board game Battleship currently in the works. In the film, an admiral and his little brother take turns shooting at each others’ fleets in the shape of a penis before the older brother cheats, sees where his brother’s destroyer is, and ends the fight really quickly.
  • The model Iman told Parade magazine “Mrs. Obama is not a great beauty, but she is so interesting looking and so bright. That will always take you farther.” She added, “My interesting brightness was always what made my career.”
  • Angels And Demons grossed an ok $48 million in its opening weekend, beating out a second-week Star Trek by only $3 million. Studio officials blamed the mediocre performance on the Wolverine internet leak.
  • Drew Carey has signed a two-year exclusive production deal with CBS after someone bet him that he couldn’t ruin CSI like he ruined the Price Is Right.
Posted on May 18th, 2009 | Permalink
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8 May
Friday

While You Were Waiting To Slip “That’s A Dealbreaker, Ladies” Into Your Daily Conversation

By

Jekyll and Hyde

  • Universal is adapting a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde movie, with Keanu Reeves attached to star. The Dr. Jekyll half will be played by a much better actor, obviously.
  • Kiefer Sutherland turned himself into authorities yesterday following his alleged headbutting incident. I’m still predicting that the secretary of defense is behind this whole thing…
  • Paris Hilton says she uses Google instead of a diary. I’m not sure how those two things are exclusive — she also uses pie instead of cardboard.
  • Police investigated a death threat to Washington Capitals superstar Alexander Ovechkin posted on a Pittsburgh Penguins fan message board. With all due respect to authorities, we’re talking about an online message board — I’ve gotten death threats on BWE for misspelling the name of Lost characters.
  • Also, if any of you were looking for Paul Scheer yesterday, he was indoors organizing his Moonraker trading cards. Hopefully this caused no inconvenience.
Posted on May 8th, 2009 | Permalink
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7 May
Thursday

While You Were About Ready To Ditch This Idol Sausagefest

By

Allison I

  • Allison Iraheta was voted off American Idol, leaving an all-male three-person field. But who will emerge from the pack and become the next Taylor Hicks? (Sidenote: this show is no longer in the same body of water as the shark it sailed over.)
  • Michael Jackson is being sued by a former publicist for $44 million. His lawyer committed a classic faux pas by immediately issuing a default “That child has no proof and his parents just want money” public statement to the press, before adding “Wait…what is this about then?”
  • The online pirated version of Wolverine was downloaded a staggering 4 million times. If you count downloads of the version that was re-titled “sexy boobs porn lesbian threesome britney,” that number jumps to an even more staggering 650 million.
  • Elisabeth Hasselbeck claims she hasn’t really been paying much attention to her upcoming third child. Clearly this was not just a vague out-of-context quote; she hates children because she’s evil and something something Republican.
  • The Minnesota Vikings are in talks to bring Brett Favre out of retirement. And no, this is not an old story. And no, this is not an old story that came out after that first old story and mentioned “this is not an old story” either.
Posted on May 7th, 2009 | Permalink
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6 May
Wednesday

While You Were Remembering That “Dream On” Used To Be A Good Song

By

Kiefer

  • Sometimes, you don’t need to add anything to a headline – “Report: Kiefer Sutherland Headbutts Man While Defending Brooke Shields”. We’re assuming the man was also 4’10″, then?
  • Development for a Ryan Reynolds Deadpool movie has already begun, just a day after Hugh Jackman announced he’d return for a Wolverine sequel. Also there’ll be a seven-part Lord of the Rings-esque film series devoted to Sabretooth, and The Blob is getting his own network tv station (NBC will now be “NBlobC”)
  • Rihanna appears to be doing better, if “doing better” means “slowly morphing into Grace Jones.“
  • One of the Idol crew members fell from the set and was taken to the hospital during the show last night. Also, if you squinted really hard at the screen, you could see the Three Men And A Baby set ghost in the background.
  • Trekkies are complaining that the new Star Trek movie is just too legitimately fun to watch, and I have a feeling I’ll agree; if there’s not one pointless scene where an alien with crappy, dripping green flesh makeup makes out with Kirk for no reason, I’m asking for my money back.
Posted on May 6th, 2009 | Permalink
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5 May
Tuesday

While You Were Buying Stock In Red Swine Flu Outbreak Maps

By

Heidi Hef

  • Hugh Hefner confirmed that Heidi Montag will do a Playboy photospread. Not in those exact words, he just said “That’s odd, I don’t have an erection right now for the first time in eighty years.”
  • Hugh Jackman is already planning to star in a Wolverine sequel. Working title – “Wolverine 2, Shrek 5, Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Wolverine’s Big Birthday Bash.”
  • Meg White of the White Stripes is set to marry guitarist Jackson Smith. But are they married, or brother and sister?
  • NBC is planning to unveil six new series in addition to the upcoming Jay Leno move to primetime. Unfortunately, five of the six new series also feature Jay Leno and occur in primetime.
  • Amy Winehouse went straight from her hospital bed to a bar. I’ve definitely read this exact story at least a dozen times before — I think the earth’s Random Gossip Story Generator is starting to repeat itself…
  • And finally, here’s Madonna with a bunch of blue wrapping paper on her head.
Posted on May 5th, 2009 | Permalink
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1 May
Friday

While You Were Wearing A T-Shirt For The Rest Of 2009 Regardless Of The Weather

By

Miley n Justin

Posted on May 1st, 2009 | Permalink
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29 April
Wednesday

While You Were Wondering If Next Week’s Idol Theme Will Be “Just Look and Sound Like Adam Lambert OK?”

By

SARAH JESS MATT BROD.jpg

  • Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twins via surrogate mother, which will be documented on her upcoming show “Sex with a Turkey Baster and the City.”
  • In a related story, Chris Noth has signed on to star as Mr. Big in Sex and the City 2, where he’ll cheat on Carrie, she’ll dump him, cry for 1.5 hours, he’ll buy her a pair of shoes, and they’ll get back together, i.e. every single episode of the show/plot of the last movie.
  • Shia LeBeouf is in talks to star alongside Michael Douglas in Wall Street 2: Let’s Get Rapey.
  • Hugh Hefner is begging for the love of his life Holly Madison to come back to him. because, let’s face it, the only thing sleeping with Hef these days is his colostomy bag.
  • Finally, the NY Times has told American tourists to visit the English city of Deptford, which according to England’s own newspapers, is the most disgusting place on Earth. As the internet likes to say, this article “brings the lolz.”
Posted on April 29th, 2009 | Permalink
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28 April
Tuesday

While You Were Thinking Food Poisoning Is The Best Thing To Happen To Your Figure in Years

By

LARRY WACHOWSKI.jpg

Posted on April 28th, 2009 | Permalink
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27 April
Monday

While You Were Realizing The Wrestler Was a Bad Choice When You Are In Bed & Sick With Food Poisoning

By

TYRA BANKS BOB BARKER.jpg

  • Reporters have spotted Sam Ronson leaving Lindsay Lohan’s apartment at 6 am. Well helloooo when else are they supposed to drink the blood of local innocents? Daytime? Come on “media”.
  • Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby daddy Casey Aldridge has been badly injured in a car accident, after his truck flipped over on a highway shoulder. Too soon to make some kinda white trash Britney joke, so we’ll just keep it moving…
  • Tyra Banks is planning on testifying at her stalker’s court appearance in New York this week. Good news for the jury, who will be receiving bedazzled tampon holders for being “such a great audience.” (Ed. Note: Bob Barker pic has nothing to do with article, but what a gem.)
  • The Pussycat Dolls are letting their claws out over lead singer Nicole Scherzinger’s “featured” status. Come on Pussycat Dolls… you guys are above this. Yes, even in that crotchless slutty beekeeper’s uniform… you’re above this.
  • Finally, don’t even get me started. Will write about it in more detail later.
Posted on April 27th, 2009 | Permalink
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