BEST BROOKE HOGAN IMPRESSION

Christina Aguilera

MOST VALUABLE SMILE

Lil’ Wayne

DOES SHE HAVE A FLAT SCREEN UP THERE OR WHAT?

Rihanna

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8:16 – The show closes with Kanye’s Big Surprise: some fireworks! And now Russell Brand is incoherently yelling about what a wonderful evening we just had. I’m pretty curious to see how this all translates to television, but from where I’m sitting it was…something. Thanks for hanging out with me, and sorry for the unexpected interruption. Now I’m gonna go drink myself into a stupor and try to take The Jonas Brothers’ virginity. Good night!

8:14 – Our man Kanye, sporting a big broken heart on his sleeve, is closing out the show by premiering his much-discussed new song, which features way too much singing and not nearly enough rapping. Everyone’s been buzzing about the surprises he supposedly has in store for us with this, but so far, I’ve got to say: pretty boring. Maybe a laptop will appear and he’ll suddenly start liveblogging himself. That would be awesome.

8:10 – “Olympic gold medalist” Kobe Bryant introduces the Video of the Year nominees. Wait, they still make music videos? Because this is the first time I’ve seen any of these. The nominees are Britney Spears, Chris Brown, The Jonas Brothers, The Pussycat Dolls, and the Ting Tings so everyone loses. Everyone except BRITNEY, who wins again! She’s celebrating the one-year anniversary of her Legendary VMA Meltdown by taking home three awards from the very same show? Ladies and gentlemen, we’re witnessing the dawn of the carefully constructed Return of Britney Spears. It’ll be all you read about in the tabloids this week. She’s normal again, you guys!

8:00 – Kid Rock is performing some song that uses the music from “Werewolves of London” and “Sweet Home Alabama”, but with lyrics that are somehow even more stupid. Good to see he at least bothered to wear one of his nicer track suits.

7:57 – Holy sh*t, I missed the Motherf*cking LaBeouf!?!? I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS LA FIRE MARSHALLS!

7:52 – Britney wins again! MTV apparently owed her big time for all those sweet high ratings last years. Paris just kissed her. Gross. If Lohan had made that a menage a trois, the world probably would have exploded. Brit just thanked God again. The Big Man upstairs always has a heck of a night at the VMA’s.

7:51 – You guys, I assure you that Paris Hilton looking towards the wrong camera onstage before mumbling a couple words looks WAY funnier when you see it live. She put in a big day.

7:49 – Celebrities I secretly smelled while waiting to get back inside the show: Paris Hilton, LL Cool J, Slash’s wife, Busta Rymes.

7:43 - OMG, Zac Efron andn Lauren Conrad – mere inches from each other! They always have the most beautiful babies together in my dreams. Tokio Hotel just won the Best New Artist award. They’re so weird-looking. They make those Slipknot dudes look like conservatively-dressed Republicans.

7:39 – Okay Xtina is performing, rocking what appears to be an outfit made completely out of spandex. The wierd thing about seeing this live is MTV keeps shooting from wacky camera spots that I can’t see. So while I hear that beautiful voice of hers, I can’t actually see what she’s doing. Oh there she is. In front of a stage that appears to be a futuristic rendering of Seattel. Okey-dokey then.

7:35 - You guys, I’m SO SORRY. I went to the bathroom, which is outside, and while I was relieving myself of all the Red Bull and mood stabilizers, the LA Fire Marshall decided to block the doors and not let ANYONE back in, including myself and TV superproducer Mark Burnett, who was wearing a scarf and kept reminding the unsympathetic door-keeper that he was Mark Burnett. But I’m back now. What did I miss?

Read the rest, after the jump!

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So I’ve successfully infiltrated the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. I’m currently holed up in the dark confines of the press compound here on the Paramount Studios lot, awaiting the beginning of the red carpet arrivals pre-show, watching the raw footage from the MTV camera people outside on the carpet. It’s too bad they don’t broadcast this stuff, because watching a giant pack of paparazzi screaming their heads off at lesser Hills personalities is pretty hilarious.

As you can clearly see in the photo above, I’m having SO MUCH FUN passing the hours here in the press bunker. I’ve been giving fake press conferences, pretending to be Lil Wayne. I tried to roam around the studio lot, hoping to find a giant prop storeroom, from which I could steal long-forgotten treasures from the set of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but my quest was cut short by one of the MTV press ladies, who looked like she might decapitate me with her clipboard. I do not bother to tell her that the Defamer guys are already running amok on the lot, making a mockery of her precious security efforts.

So now I’m back in the press pen with the other sunlight-averse members of the media. Let me bring you up to date on the LA weekend so far. Last night I went to the Rock Band II show with the Plain White T’s and Panic! At the Disco at the House of Blues to benefit LIFEbeat, though I’d say the event’s best performances came from the random drunk audience members who thought it would be a good idea to go play Rock Band, poorly, in front of a bar full of people. Panic! At the Disco came in at a close second. After that, I went to the Roxy for the Rhapsody party, at which T-Pain regaled us all with song. He is amazing. Also I met New York from Flavor of Love and told her the only reason I don’t audition for her dating shows is out of fairness for the other competitors, because she would clearly love me most.

So what else? My arrival on the Paramount lot was greeted by a large elephant being hosed off by some dude near the red carpet, as one would naturally expect. Our MTV brethren at Buzzworthy have been entrenched here all week, relentlessly covering the various rehearsals and preparations that go into putting on a spectacle of this magnitude. Apparetnly Britney is in the building.

The Jonas Brothers are going to be performing on a large outdoor stage that looks like Brooklyn, albeit a Brookln where a horde of crazed tweens run wild through the streets.

There is a giant monster truck in the parking lot that says Tokio Hotel all over it, though no one seems to know why.

Kanye West is performing in the giant take from that part in The Truman Show where Jim Carrey is on the boat and realizes the world isn’t real. I’m hoping MTV’s big surprise is that reality as we know it is non-existnant and that we’re all just supporting characters in a big reality show about Kanye.

T-Pain just showed up to the red carpet on that elephant, and John Norris is freaking the f*ck out about it.

We’ve lost our video feed in the press room, and now the screens are all just broadcasting a rerun of The Hills. LC is having a salad and complaining about something, like always.

Wait, video feed is back, and the MTV news host is struggling to conduct a conversation with Stephanie Pratt. Neither of them seem to be very good at words.

I’ll be live-blogging from inside the show starting at 9pm ET, but in the meantime, keep checking back for my random commentary on the various things that happen until then – after the jump!

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