Ever since me and The Beef Who Shall Not Be Named had our big breakup, I’ve remained resolutely silent on the matter of my poisoned feelings about this man who once enjoyed my greatest admiration. And in that silence, I’ve often hoped that someone else might come along and vocalize the feelings of frustration and disappointment I felt about the Jerkburger the Beef had become. So I can’t tell you what great pleasure I took in watching Clark Duke and Seth Green – two very talented young comedians I just so happened to meet in a Sunset Strip liquor store during my trip to the VMA’s – joyously ridicule His Beefyness during a recent press junket for their new film Sex Drive. I am clearly not the first bespectacled beard enthusiast whose heart was ripped to shreds by The LaBeouf.
In Case You Missed It...
SeptemberFriday
ICYMI: The World Air Sex Championships Somehow Manages To Be Even Worse Than It Sounds
According to Spout Blog, after a screening of Kevin Smith’s new movie Zach & Miri Make A Porno, the famed Alamo Drafthouse movie theater recently hosted the World Air Sex Championships, which is sort of like air guitar, but with people doing it. While the very thought of a group of lonely people simulating the act of coitus with the air on a stage might be both awful and terrifying, actually seeing video footage of the event turns out to be profoundly disturbing in ways you have likely never imagined. Let’s just say it culminates with boots pretending to be knocked by two people dressed as John McCain and Sarah Palin, along with what appears to be a giant moose man. Needless to say, this is not safe for anything.
SeptemberThursday
I Think What We Need Now Is A Video Of Some Chick Dancing To Mazzy Star On A Stripper Pole
This video embodies everything I’m currently feeling. Thanks, Internet! (Not Safe For Anything, Ever – via Videogum)
SeptemberWednesday
How Many Euphemisms Does It Take R. Kelly To Just Admit He Likes Underage Girls?
When BET’s Toure sat down with R. Kelly, and tried to “ask him something real”, what he got was something real hilarious, as our man R. dances around the “you like to do it with teenagers, don’t you?” question like one of the Fly Girls. He’s really the best. (via Videogum)
SeptemberTuesday
WILLED INTO EXISTENCE BY THE INTENET: Drunk Man Trying To Make Love To An SUV
Having spent the past 5 years living in San Francisco and New York City, I’ve seen a lot of lunatics doing a lot of crazy sh*t in broad daylight. But I don’t know if I’ve yet seen anything quite so awesome as some wasted dude in a jean jacket with his pants down around his ankles, giving the front end of a Toyota Forerunner the humping of a lifetime. And to whoever the voyeuristic auteur was who captured this glorious display on film and added creative sound cues, well bravo, for you have made an Insane Internet Video masterpiece.
(via Asylum)
SeptemberTuesday
ICYMI: The Today Show Teaches Us How To Read The Body Language Of A Cheesy Clipart Man
I always rely on The Today Show to teach me how to interact with other humans – in particular, men. So I was delighted this morning to see the show do a segment about reading a man’s body language. The visuals they used were AMAZING…for each pose, they showed a handsome clipart man. Looking at him, we learned about what it means when he assumes various positions, such as covering his “naughty bits” and making the facial expression of a stroke victim. Also, note that the woman teaching us this exclaims “I would date him, but I’m married!” and laughs with the most desperately sad laugh I’ve ever heard. She’d rather date a two-dimensional illustration than spend one more minute with her sad sack of a husband.
Also, I think it’s HILARIOUS that the lady clipart during the last pose is OBVIOUSLY totally disgusted by the man, as evidenced by the expression on her face.
SeptemberMonday
ICYMI: Lil Wayne Is Our Guitar Hero
So Saturday Night Live last weekend. Tina Fey was great. Michael Phelps clearly has a bright future as an actor. And our man Lil Wayne delivered the biggest laughs of the night by performingwhat was undoubtedly the worst/best/worst-again guitar solo in known human history. At the end of his otherwise enjoyable performance of “Lollipop”, standing on the very same stage where GE Smith used to shred face every Saturday night, Weezy whipped out his axe and launched into a guitar solo that can only be described as what a brain-damaged blind person might look like playing Guitar Hero, on Easy level, while blacked out on booze and pills. This is to the long storied history of Guitar Solos what Ashlee Simpson was to singing.
SeptemberFriday
ICYMI: Shawkward Johnson Endorses Tacos
This is what happens when athletes get endorsement deals that make absolutely NO sense. What do Shawn Johnson, Paul Hamm, and Morgan Hamm have in common? Not being Olympic gymnasts, not having chipmunk voices…no, it’s GREAT TASTE! This Ortega Taco Sauce makes Shawn Johnson’s taco really POP!
(via Buzzfeed)
SeptemberWednesday
ICYMI: “Short Shorts In Court Girl” Is A Local News Comedy Genius
When a Lancaster, Kentucky woman was sent to jail for 3 days for wearing clothing to court that a judge had repeatedly deemed “too skimpy”, the local news action team got down to the jailhouse to get her side of the story, which is amazing. Everything she says is like some kind of priceless Onion News Network joke, except she’s real. And wait until you hear why she was in court in the first place. She should be nominated for a Local News Emmy for Best Comedic Performance, or at the very least get an endorsement deal with Nair or something.
(Thanks to Casey for the tip!)
SeptemberTuesday
ICYMI: Angry Beatles Fan Finally Exacts His Violent Revenge Against Oasis
Remember how back in the 90′s, Oasis would always show up at various awards shows, stumble onto the stage, say something retarded about being better than The Beatles, then rebelliously spit beer all over the fans in the first few rows before ripping through “Wonderwall” again? Did you ever watch these displays and feel like, “Man, I’d really love to run up there and flying body tackle those jackasses”? Well some dude finally did it in Toronto last night. Only problem is it’s kind of been a while since Noel & Liam did or said anything obnoxiously inflammatory enough – or, for that matter, were even relevant enough – to actually deserve being violently drilled off the stage mid-Greatest Hit, so I kind of feel a little sorry for them here. Though the sheer out-of-nowhere-ness of this lunatic tearing across the stage on a destructive rampage against the Brothers Gallagher is definitely funny in a strange way. I guess if the instant karma doesn’t get you, the decade-too-late karma will…in the form of getting sacked by a drunken hooligan who’s pissed because you haven’t played “Champagne Supernova” yet.
