Ever since the dawn of time, people have been getting drunk. However, it wasn’t until one Ronnie Ortiz Magro (aka Captain Smush) introduced a potent concoction known as Ron-Ron Juice to the world just under one year ago on the debut episode of Jersey Shore that human beings were finally able to achieve a state of mind that the Dalai Lama (or was it Carl Spackler?) once described as “total consciousness.” Being the naïve souls that we are, we once tried to achieve this state by mixing watermelon slices, cherries, ice, some cranberry juice, a few splashes of Body Heat by BODman cologne, a teaspoon of indoor-tanning lotion, Peach Schnapps and some Nonoxynol-9 into a blender and hitting the Frappé button, but all that ended up getting us was a wicked hangover and itchy pubes. Fortunately for us, during an appearance on the Late Show With David Letterman just last night, Snooki was kind enough to provide us the recipe for the magical potion known as Ron-Ron Juice. Quite simply, it consists of “vodka, watermelon, cherries, blueberries and maybe some Jäger.” Mystery solved!

And oh yeah, did we mention that Alec Baldwin stopped by the Ed Sullivan Theater last night, too?

Yes, someone’s finally done it. They’ve gone ahead and put a damn sandwich in a can. And called it a Candwich. This is exactly the kind of thing that looks nasty as hell when you’re sober, but when it’s 4 am and you can’t find your gin-and-tonic helmet and you’re starving, a Candwich is just about the most delicious damn thing you can get your hands on.

I mean, tell me you’ve never woken up the morning after a wild night in bed wearing your party dress and your shoes and found a shopping bag from the drugstore that you have no recollection of visiting and looked inside to find that you decided you wanted water and a can of Chef Boyardee. Just me? Fine then, just me. (By the by, it was delicious, thank you.) But PB & J in a can? I mean I’m shorting my keyboard out with a live barfstream but ask me about it Saturday night when I’m sleeping inside a Stoli bottle on my stoop and see what I say. Spoiler alert: I will say it’s my favorite thing.

My only issue with the Candwich? CHICKEN CANDWICH. WHO ON PLANET EARTH WOULD EAT A CHICKEN SANDWICH IN A CAN?! The sandwich on the can doesn’t even look like chicken, it looks like a hot meatload. Yes. Load.

Ahead, an actual photo of a Candwich. It’s basically a roll and some ketchup packets. Would you eat this?

Holy sh*t, it comes with a Laffy Taffy?? Forget everything I’ve said, this is the greatest product ever created.

[Photos via Splash News Online]

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When first listening to the song I thought the mom was just a delusional, drug-addled hillbilly. However, upon second listen, I think she may have a point. That doll is definitely dropping some F-bombs.

The mom still might be a drug-addled hillbilly for letting her three-year-old daughter idolize allegedly racist jail bait at such a young age. I guess it’s not a total loss, though. That girl will certainly grow up with some good ol’ American enthusiasm for how f***ing awesome pie is.

As has become an American Halloween Tradition, the fine people over at The Today Show took a budget equivalent to the GDP of Nebraska and funneled that cash into the most extravagant, serious, over-the-top Halloween Costume Parade that one could ever hope for. The show is notorious for their Halloween Special, but perhaps no year has ever been as themed as today. That theme? Morning Show Masturbation Fantasies for Middle-Aged Jobless Virgins. Or, as it is more commonly known as, “Star Wars.”

Yes, Matt Lauer got out of a giant airplane (we’re sure there’s a special word for that vehicle, but we’re too lazy to look it up), and Meredith Viera donned her favorite knish-muffs for her Princess Leia costume. It was all a very civilized affair indeed…

That is… until Kathie Lee and Hoda showed up.

Hoda, punning off of her own name, made for an ALL TOO CONVINCING Yoda (thanks, clearly, to the same makeup team used in the movie Norbit, we think), while Kathie Lee opted for something a little more kinky: C3PO. For two accomplished journalists/hosts, it’s 5:45 that really captures their genius in a way that words never could:

But as much as we adore and want to get wasted with Kathie Lee and Hoda, the real stars of the show were of an entirely different breed: The Ewoks. While the idea of dwarfs inside the costumes publicly terrifies us, we gotta admit, the costumes are HUHLUHLUHLARIOUS. Like audible LLOL (literally laugh out loud) style. Then Ann Curry roles in as Darth Vader and our regularly scheduled nightmare commences, replete with an Ewok HUMPING AL ROKER’S LEG. It must be hard for a tiny Michael Jackson impersonator to bottle up his personality in that little brown plush suit, for real:

Congrats, Today Show team. Another year, another win.

But Dempsey clearly had had enough. Sick of being known only for his looks and not for his ever giving river of talent, McDreemz decided to shock the world this week on Good Morning America. Armed with three bowling pins, we meet McJuggly, Dempsey’s juggling alter ego. In the course of 20 or so seconds, McJuggz raised about $20,000 for charity. Fast forward to 4:30 to see his party trick in action.

The above video really brought out that latent Dempsey love that’s been toiling away since the Loverboy days. But not like the below video of McJuggly… WHICH IS AMAZING IN EVERY WAY.

Thank you, the 1980s and Japan. Thank you both.

Every little girl loves mud pies and four-wheelers and has a million Facebook fans thanks to her mom’s complete disregard for rational parenting while on national television. It’s normal. Quit digging for a story where there isn’t one.

Also, I think Chris Cuomo deserves the Peabody Award for ‘Excellence in Blatant But Wholeheartedly Deserved Condescending Sarcasm’ for that outro. Way to keep your cool, brother.

Yes, Paula really did ask Al “Is he from this country?” I’ve heard the Today Show set is a common escape route for those hopping the border.

Will the guy hiding behind the counter kill Paula and Al?? Will the cake be decadent and delicious?? Find out in the thrilling conclusion to this Today Show saga after the jump.

Honestly, that didn’t clear up a thing. But damn that cake does looks good.

I especially like how Lyssa compares her dog to a pyro honor student.

It’s pretty inspiring to see people over there laughing it up, but I’m not sure our countries see eye to eye when it comes to comedy. That guy doing the jump rope bit? That was gold. Those judges wouldn’t know funny if it overthrew their dictator!

Winners will go on to star in the biggest sitcom on Iraqi television:It’s Always Sandy In Fallujah (I would have also accepted Malcolm in the Middle East and/or Green Zone Acres).

During an appearance on Ellen yesterday, the twosome performed a moving duet of the Bonnie Tyler classic “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. Their version is actually not so bad! It’s both beautifully harmonized and, yet, passionate? It also features Ellen’s dead-on impression of The Dan Band.

So that settles it!! Josh Groban has huge balls. Thanks for playing.

My New Favorite Family Feud Contestant’s Answer: Every noise in the English language that remotely sounds like “Bruce Springsteen” without being “Bruce Springsteen”

1) This:

2-5) That picture four more times

Apparently this dog’s name is Weeka. Wee-ka. Get it?

And we thought our election was exciting.

Wait, my vagina is a gun?? AWESOME!

It’s obvious that George has a thorough understanding of Smart Spin Technology.

So, in case you missed it, here’s the first time a news team has ever beamed in a hologram anchor:

Jessica Yellin’s gonna change her name to
Jessica Why.You.Yellin.Wolf.Blitzer.I.Am.Right.Here.In.3.D.B*tch!

So you can imagine my OUTRAGE the other night when the following occurred: A gay male nurse who still lived at home (and shared a room with his brother, no less) appeared on the show looking to make a little extra scratch. And as the following video will illustrate, he flew a little too close to the sun with his gigantic rainbow colored wax wings.

So please, enjoy the following montage, which we have titled The Greediest Dumbass In Deal Or No Deal History:

This is probably looking super sweet to this guy right now.

I can’t figure out if Hilary is a bad dancer, or if it’s part of her “acting.”

Those TWO FINGERS…they’ve been burned into my retina. And that poor businessman sitting there like he’s totally cool with being on national television to talk about his ED.

That wasn’t at all awkward.

The best part is definitely when he’s about to finish the bicycle trick, and Matt is like “go go go go go do not go backwards do not go backwards,” like as if he was about to say “oh Jesus oh Jesus please don’t die please don’t die under my watch I am getting way to old for this sh*t!!!!”