Seriously, next time tackle “Ni**as In Paris.” It would be “OFF THE HOOK,” as an old white person such as myself would say. Things get amazing at 1:43: Also they’re going to the Grammys.

PUPPIES

Yes, puppy-backing off of the success of Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl,” Conan presents an all new format of his TBS late night talk show… Puppy Conan. Just a puppy in a wig is all. It sounds so simple, and yet the results are so spectacular. There’s even a tiny Puppy Andy! He can’t stop sniffing his own ass, just like the real Andy.

Not going to lie, these puppies have nothing on Jimmy Fallon’s Puppy Predictor, but still, a worthy video to spend your time on.

(via Team Coco)

This is just some quality internetting right here. Put down that Dickens novel you weren’t reading and spend the next minute with Rhiny:

(Arbroath, via Videogum)

Want to make hipsters feel less self-conscious about how hard they’re trying to look their parents? Slap a little RAP MUSIC ON THAT SH*T. Some genius on Youtube (LOL, everyone on Youtube is a genius) decided to combine the slow-motion footage from every Wes Anderson movie ever with some Ja Rule. Give your horn-rimmed glasses a buffing and crack open a 40 because you’re about to feel like a boss.

(via Uproxx and The Cajun Boy)

Alcohol.

Yes, the easiest way to “chip the ice” with a next-door neighbor is to randomly show up, drink in hand, and ply them with whatever sizzling concoction you threw together in your bathtub. Laughter will be up, inhibitions down, and then you can slowly approach the topic that brought you over there in the first place: “Could you please stop leaving your used diaper genie bags under my welcome mat?” It works, I promise.

Now, I can’t take credit for this idea. No, I actually picked this helpful tip up from hilarious comedian and friend Katina Corrao, who has been trying to get past my front door for years now. It’s never worked… until today. In this latest installment of her web series “The Good Neighbor Minute” Katina fools me into letting her into my home, drinking a random mixture of liquids, wearing an unflattering pirate’s costume (burning it), and eventually, shattering my good martini glass. But she’s just so lovable, you can’t fault her! (Katina, you can click here to replace that glass.)

By the way, I think we’re both pretty fantastic actresses. Someone tweet this to @Spielberg please and thank you.

There’s something extra-amusing about having two highly accomplished serious actors on the same show only to spend the time playing with 10-year-old plastic toys. It’s just surreal that you can all now witness my recurring dream when I was 13 about me and Captain Picard playing with action figures:

Best part of the video? The Patrick Stewart double-face-palm:

Yes, it seems that we have ALL as a movie-going public been duped. Because see there isn’t just one Jason Bourne. Oh no. This is the CIA people, come on, do you think they’d be that stupid as to limit the part of a billion-dollar franchise to one actor I mean agent? Of course not. There are many Jason Bourne’s to go around. And in Jeremy Renner, they have perhaps found their worst enemy. Because, as you’ll soon see in this trailer, the first from the film, this Bourne doesn’t make any mistakes, unlike those other Bournes who once used to mop sh*t up at MIT. Nope, this born can make a house explode with the handle of a fire hydrant and not even know how! Science? Maybe. But I think it has a little something to do with David Strathairn (who is thankfully back.)

Oh yeah, the other thing: None of the evil people from the other Bourne movies ever paid any sort of price, apparently, because they’re all back to work as usual, Treadstoning and what not. Long trilogy story longer, it goes without saying this movie will no doubt live up to the others, because after watching it, I took an ice bath while listening to the Inception soundtrack (a good thing!)

Also Ed Norton. The movie comes out August 3, 2012, which means you will have only this trailer to fantasize about until then. You’re welcome!

Ahead, a first look at the film’s poster. It’s very The Talented Mr. Ripley… perhaps another nod to the original Bourne.

As the incomparable Richard Lawson put it, it’s like a fun celebrity version of “Where’s Waldo Minute Kristen Wiig.” Click on the above version to count up how many of the nominees you can recognize. I counted 21 plus the Gold Man himself. I also gave myself a headache looking at it. Win/win!

Those of you too lazy/blind to go through the entire list, we’ll save you the trouble and post the only thing worth noting:

The internet is such a vast vacuum of opinion and information, many times it feels like an endless succubus of time and energy. But once in a rare while, the winds of trend will meet in the middle of these infinite digital abyss and form something truly special. This is one of those times.

Here is Lana Del Rey’s “Hunger Games” as performed by Holly Laurent.

It proves a few things:

1. Almost anyone can sound like Lana Del Rey if they put they’re mind to it.
2. I want to legitimately listen to this song on my personal music listening device, and I don’t care if you judge me.*
3. A pita is a pouch of bread, but that’s his name.
4. *Of course I care.

(The Fab Life has got all the lyrics, for those interested.)

Can we get this guy on the next Comedy Central Roast? “The enormity of Jeff Ross’ stupiditee is just oahvahwelming…”

I deliberately avoided looking up the context for this clip, cause it’s so much better on its own. I assume it’s some weird inappropriate tangent from Into The Abyss, his crushing documentary about death row inmates and the families of their victims.

(via Best Roof Talk Ever – no relation)

Well this weekend, on behalf of Conan O’Brien and TBS, Billy headed over to Indianapolis to find out the general “street temperature” (not a thing) on Madonna, High Empress Of Halftime. It’s kind of a shame that these words even have to go before this video, because honestly, it’s wasting valuable blog space when really all anyone cares about is watching Billy scream at regular people, Giants cheerleaders, and eventually, SUPERBOWL WINNERS the NY GIANTS themselves.

Billy Eichner is brilliant and I bet also has a beautiful singing voice. Enjoy.

A man after my own heart, 50-year-old Hu Han-yan in Tai Pei, is celebrating the Lunar New Year this year in a way the friendless 12-year-old version of me could only dream of: By getting Hello Kitty shaved into his head. The reason? To cheer up his elderly father (seen above, cheered.)

Hu Han-yan has turned into something of a local celebrity, and had this to say to the local news:

“I feel like I’m a star now,” said Hu Han-yan, who added that he has to trim his hair every five days to keep his “Hello Kitty” in tip-top condition.

“Next time, I might try a different iconic pattern, such as Doraemon [a popular Japanese manga cartoon character] or SpongeBob SquarePants [a US cartoon character], so long as I can amuse my father,” said Hu Han-yan.

A SpongeBob SquarePants fade? Honestly, that might be too overstimulating for pops. I wouldn’t risk it Hu.

Also, I’d be insane to not include the most Asian sentence I read today:

Hu Han-yan has been dubbed by some local media outlets as “a modern Lao Lai-tzu (老萊子),” alluding to an elderly character in The Book of 24 Filial Pieties (二十四孝) renowned for dressing up as a baby to amuse his parents.

Oh, sentence. Can’t wait for you to become a dream of mine in 5 months that sends me straight to therapy.

More photos ahead.

You can also check out authentic not-in-English video footage of these fellas here.

Let’s have a frank discussion about the ads that ran during last night’s Super Bowl XLVI. In the words of any one of the Beastie Boys, they were “aight.” No shocks, no surprises, most of them were leaked online prior to the game anyway, Matthew Broderick. And really, we don’t care about serious beer commercials or ads about mid-size sedans that will make you feel like more of a man. Nope, there’s only one thing we give the merest ess about: ANIMAL ADS.

There were some highs and lows, but at the party I was at, any time an animal appeared on the giant flatscreen, someone would scream “DOG AD” and the room would fall silent. The dog ads did not disappoint! You know why? Because there were f*cking awesome dogs in it, that’s why. Take note, advertisers: If you want a roomful of non-football fans who are mainly watching the Super Bowl to witness Madonna’s Halftime acrobatic dance moves to stop dead in their tracks and pay attention, PUT A DOG IN YOUR AD. (Or David Beckham.)

So without further a-doo (dog joke), here are all the Superbowl Dog Ads + David Beckham and other animal bonuses. Our apologies to the Coca-Cola Polar Bears who didn’t make the cut, because, boring.

1. Fat Dog Loses Weight To Chase Fad Car. This Volkswagen ad was a real crowd pleaser, because, hello, fat dogs = where do I sign? (My petition for pro-dog-obesity.) Though my party co-horts and I couldn’t help but notice that not only does this dog lose weight, but he actually CHANGES BREEDS. That’s the power of an adorable car originally designed for the Third Reich, I guess.

2. Stubby Dog Wears Sneakers, Wins Race. You might be noticing a theme to last night’s Dog Ads: DOG FITNESS. This one wins in my book because I am an idiot who loves a dog in a sensible shoe.

3. Rescue Dog Gets People Wasted On Light Beer. While I don’t support the idea of dog beer slavery, this ad is pretty cute.

4. Dog Kills Cat, Bribes Local Idiot. Doritos will make an average man do above average lying, is the message I walked away from with this ad.

5. DAVID BECKHAM IN UNDERWEAR. I like the suggestive “hole punch” in his name. Also big ups to H&M for keeping him silent.

For all these commercials and more, Buzzfeed has posted them all for your viewing pleasure.

“The name’s Cee Lo Green – the Cee stands for ‘Cee Me Holding This Cee-at Like A Tiny Bond Villain?”

I know The Voice just started, but Cee-Lo’s team already looks unstoppable. Especially when they get into Meowing ‘Silent Night’ Week, which I believe is next week.

(via Pop Culture Brain)

Aberdeen – who did not end up actually winning the MVP, in a highly controversial decision – controlled the same chew toy for upwards of a half hour, keeping it away from as many as a half dozen other pups at the same time and scoring multiple touchdowns including the epic one below.

We acknowledge that the scoring system in the Puppy Bowl is the most arbitrary thing in sports outside of college football, but take one look at Aberdeen’s dominant puppying and agree that this, folks, is your 2012 Most Valuable Pupper:

Well, it’s happened America!! Rolling Stone is reporting that American Idol runner-up and favorite person to drink on-camera martinis with, Adam Lambert, has announced that he is going to be replacing the late Freddie Mercury as the lead singer of Queen.

Here’s what Adam had to say about the news:

The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some f*cking great songs. It’s to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would’ve been proud of.

It’s a decision that, while surprising, shouldn’t ruffle too many oversized feather vests. Look, no one can replace Mercury, and that goes double for his mustache. But Lambert’s vocal abilities are certainly up to the challenge for Queen’s passionate repertoire. For example, 99 percent of people who attempt to sing Queen usually end the night on laying on the floor while nursing multiple burst bloodvessels in their foreheads. But Lambert is like a singing version of the chestburster in Alien. The man has no limitations. And what better way to expose his gift to his own fans as well as those of Queen’s than by merging the two?

So while this news will may rub a few Queen fans the wrong way (one brings to mind Arnel Pineda, Steve Perry’s replacement in Journey), I say we should be thankful that there’s another person out there with the vocal ability required to carry on Mercury’s legend while throwing in his own unique twist. (ie Lots of exposed tongue, more eye-makeup, 3x as much thrusting.)

Let’s also take a moment to remember that Lambert actually auditioned for Idol way back when with “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and did the song beautiful justice. Who would have guessed that 3 years later he’d be the LEAD SINGER OF QUEEN???

Click here to listen to Lambert singing a “Show Must Go On/We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” medley with Brian May and Roger Taylor at the 2011 MTV EMAs in Belfast, Ireland.

You can also check out Adam’s brand new music video for “Better Than I Know Myself” over at VH1 Tuner.

UPDATE I: VH1 has gone ahead and DEBUNKED this rumor. You were all right, I was wrong. I guess that’s what I get for trusting the world’s most famous music magazine, Rolling Stone. You can finally go to sleep again!

UPDATE II: Ahead, we have Exclusive VH1 Video of Adam discussing his collaboration with Queen. “There’s more things happening with Queen, that’s all I can say…” For those of you doubters out there.

Here’s a video of Top Chef Season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio showing you how to make his way-too-complicated version of Super Bowl wings, “Boneless Chicken Wing Confit with Curry and Blue Cheese Disc.” That may sound complicated, but it’s actually WAY MORE COMPLICATED than you’re already expecting, to the point where the idea of anyone ever making this is hilarious:

Got all that? Here’s my favorite step in the recipe:

Hahaha, you got it, words! It’s basically a real-life version of Ted Allen’s Pretentious Foodie Bullsh*t meal from The Onion, only more exaggerated.

(For the record, I posted this video for last year’s Super Bowl, but it’s one of my favorite things ever so here it is again. I’m just trying to help you WOW your friends at this year’s big game, by showing them this recipe so you can all be like “WOW, what a dumb waste of time!” before you eat regular wings.)

The Super Bowl Half-Time Show is almost upon us!! This Sunday, somewhere around your 1400th Bud Light, none other than the Queen of Nutcracker Arms Madonna will take to the stage to perform in front of the 111 million people watching. Joining her on stage will be Nicki Minaj and MIA, meaning this half-time show will be a great day for both women and people whose names start with the letter M (double score!!)

There is already plenty of speculation of what Madonna has in store for us. Will she perform songs from her new album MDNA? Or will she take some mercy on us and perform only the classics minus anything from the Austin Powers franchise?

Personally, I think I have some idea of what the Super Bowl Half-Time Show is going to look like… check out the clip ahead.

Yes, the gore scene from Summer School. It only exists online in French, but really, you don’t need to know what they’re saying.

Jimmy managed to get an exclusive interview with the main Puppy Predictor himself, Bruce Mackabee of the New England Patriots (above). Even though this clip is only 2 minutes long, it took me LEGIT 4 minutes to watch, as I kept pausing it to send instant messages to nobody of my entire QWERTY keyboard being smashed by my fists. It’s a hard one to handle, puppy lovers, I’m going to warn you. The high you will experience while viewing may not be worth the awful emptiness you will feel immediately afterwards. But I did it, and you should too.

What are you guys doing for the Superbowl? I’m going to be doing the backstroke in a mango margarita somewhere while wearing a NY GIANTS t-shirt with an arrow pointing up to my face.

And sure, I’ll pretend to watch the Superbowl, laugh and clap along with the others, but behind my empty gaze this is what I’ll really be seeing:

The following ad from Pete Holmes, Matt McCarthy, and Oren Brimer was one of the five finalists in the contest, but it sadly lost out (#Ballsgate – never forget). It remains to this day the best Super Bowl commercial of all time, even though it never rightfully aired.

Websites dust off their “Greatest Super Bowl Ads Of All Time” lists every year, but their lame Budweiser Frogs and Pepsi Truckers can’t hold a candle to Doritos Beer:

I’ve watched this upwards of 50 times now in my life, and the ending gets me every time. Also, these should exist. That’s all.

There might’ve been a time on the internet where I would’ve typed that sentence then been like, “Wow, that is a really specific focus for a supercut,” but those days are long behind me, as my reaction instead was, “Sounds about right. Is it short? NICE. Good work, fellas!” [Bunch of dirty guys in construction hats give me a thumbs up]

Prepare to react to this way too dryly:

(via Film Drunk)

I tell you this not only to point out the fact that I associate with people I have no business knowing, but more to the point, to share with you a few things that Mr. Siriano and his musician boyfriend Brad Walsh (with whom I have endured many a “How It’s Made” marathon) have been working on.

Mainly, beautifully shot and directed videos of Christian’s Spring/Summer 2012 line starring Mena Suvari, who DOES NOT AGE. This video fulfills my fantasy of walking around an empty hotel while bedecked in many layers of neon chiffon. (Not to mention my fantasy of having an erotic encounter with Kevin Spacey while dressed like a schoolgirl. Not Kevin, me. I mean, look, Kevin can also dress like a schoolgirl if he really wants to. I refuse to put limits on this fantasy.) Where was I? Ah yes, Kevin Spacey in braids Mena Suvari in this short film directed by Christian and Brad Walsh. It will make you feel ~classy~.

This is great news for Mena Suvari and all, but what about me? WHAT ABOUT MY FASHION NEEDS?

Well, readers, I am honored and proud to reveal to you something veeery few of you will give a sh*t about. See, this weekend, I got an e-mail from Brad with the subject line: “Your shoe is here.”

My WHAT is here??

My shoe is here.

For a moment, I feared that somehow one of the TGI Friday canoes I wear on my feet had made its way cross-country and into the hands of an innocent man. But when I opened the e-mail, this is what I discovered:

Yes, out of the goodness of his heart and having nothing to do with the fact that I begged him to do it for months, Christian Siriano named a shoe from his Payless Shoes Gold Collection after me. “The Michelle.” Yes, I have now joined the ranks of such esteemed shoe legends as Penny, Mary Jane, F*ck-Me Heel, and The Maloof Hoof.

A sensible shoe with a small peep-toe that says “I’m no prude” and a flat heel that screams “My plantar fasciitis is acting up again.” Now, I know, “The Michelle” could technically be named after any über-classy Michelle. Trachtenberg. Kwan. Obama. Bombshell Mcgee. Etc. But I’ve been assured by both Christian and Brad that is in fact a flat in my honor. And reading the description, it seems plainly obvious that this shoe and I have a lot in common. For example:

• This runway-inspired shoe features a trendy keyhole peep-toe

Uh, if you know me, then you know I have a possess a wonderful talent for staring at people through their peepholes. And don’t get me started on my drop dead gorgeous toes. This little piggy is going to be on the cover of Foot Vogue one day, believe me.

• Lightly padded insole for comfort

Gentlemennnnn….

• And a lightweight, flexible outsole.

With enough vodka, anything is possible… See Gentlemennnnn…., above.

In short, if you ever see me sashaying around town in these smart-looking flats, a great icebreaker for you would be to say “Hey! Are those shoes named after you?” You will then hear a beautiful story about a young woman with big dreams and normal-sized feet for her frame, a story filled with laughter, beautiful lighting and slightly stiff posing in kind of unflattering tunics…

By the way, if my tunic looks familiar, it’s because NENE LEAKES owns the same one, as I found out watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta last week. As long as she doesn’t have a pair of Payless flats named after her, we’re all good.

Oh, and also, if my tunic looks familiar, LEAVE THE HOUSE.

A little story about me: I don’t smoke. Like, anything. I used to smoke cigarettes in college, until I quit, and all the little hairs in my lungs started making newborn baby sounds, and that was that. As far as smoking anything else is concerned (I’m choosing my words carefully, because I’m at “work”), I did a few times in college, until that one fateful night, where my heart felt like it was going to explode and my throat closed up and everyone in the baseball frat watched as paramedics came and wheeled me off to the ER. That… let me think… no, that was pretty much that last time I’ve ever done that.

But I’m starting to reconsider this decision after last night’s episode of Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best on WEtv, starring my ultimate life idol and funniest woman ever Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa. On last night’s episode, the second of the new season, Joan’s friend Lynne Koplitz thinks that Joan needs to relax. So off they went to their local marijuana dispensary, bought some weed, and then parked a car in a dead end to smoke it.

What follows on the rest of this hilarious episode is enough to get me to try the stuff again, under the condition that I am getting high with Joan Rivers. Joan and Lynne got too high to drive home, and so trusty daughter Melissa is forced to pick them up and then succumb to their every request. Such as stopping at a food truck, jumping into a hot tub fully clothed, and drinking hot tub water out of her sensible high heel.

Ahead, footage of all this super-stoned madness from the episode. Unfortunately, they don’t feature the footage of Joan clowning various wax figures at Madame Tussaud, ie you should set your DVRs to record this series ASAP because it is legit hilarious.

Just got a melodica. Here’s my rendition of the Jurassic Park theme song. What do you think?

If you watch this and don’t laugh, that’s fine, I just don’t think we’d get along very well:

Perfect. Between this and the 90s Dance Music Megamix, it’s been quite a 2012 for the ol’ melodica. I will reverse this statement tomorrow when someone emails me “Sh*t Melodicas Say”.

(thanks, @lindseyweber!)

Nick filmed himself singing the main parts — Raoul, Christine, and, of course, Phantom — and combined all three tracks to create a one-man Phantom band. And he is, to put it simply…

AMAZING

He also might not have any testicles, but again, he’s a gift, and we should treat him as such.

Major thanks to him for convincing me to get this one woman Les Miserables show on the road.

(via Buzzfeed)

The story is pretty adorable (at least, as adorable as us non-sloths can be), and the clip of Kristen Bell completely going out of her mind at 1:57 is hilarious, mostly because it’s the exact same reaction I had when I heard the sloth squeak in this video.

Let he who would not also lose his sh*t like this in the presence of a sloth cast the first sloth:

(via Pop Culture Brain)

When you watch this video, you will find it adorable, then black out and enter a trance, then wake up the following morning on your bathroom floor with two bulldog puppies licking your face and you’ll be like “Did I just steal two English bulldog puppies while I was on some sort of out-of-body cuteness bender?” and you’ll start to feel guilty then one of the puppies will fall over slightly and make a squeak-toy noise and you’ll laugh and immediately forgive yourself.

Just, don’t say you weren’t warned:

(Cute Overload, via The Daily What)

We’ve all used the middle finger in one capacity or another. Many years ago, I spent a long subway ride with some teenage hoodlums who passed the time making fun of me to my face while I just sat there, silently, waiting for my chance. As soon as my stop came, I stepped off the train, waited for the doors to close, looked them straight in the face and slowly rose my two middle fingers up to the window. They went motherf*cking crazy. So powerful was this tiny gesture that I walked away from the incident feeling like a champion of the human race. Such is the glory of the human middle finger.

And today, we have a supercut video of all the best middle finger moments from every movie ever, set to Cee-Lo’s “F*ck You” (language NSFW). It’s amazing on how easily you can judge someone’s acting talents based on the way they deliver a middle finger. Some are way to stiff. Some seem short, stubby, limp. But a few are just right.

Be sure to forward this to someone you hate!

(via The Daily What)

Seal and Heidi Klum were spotted at LAX today, and as various paparazzi approached the newly-divorcing couple, Seal reportedly “got irritated at the videographer” and “swung at the camera man” and knocked his camera to the ground. The ‘attacked’ cameraman managed to take the photo above (courtesy Splash News).

However, we at BWE have EXCLUSIVELY obtained a video from a third-party source of Seal attacking the cameraman in Los Angeles. Watch the shocking video after the jump:

What? No, that’s not an obvious joke, that’s the actual video of Seal. Would we have paid that paparazzo six figures for this footage if it had just been an existing dumb Youtube video of a seal? I hardly think so. Just remember to credit us if you reuse this EXCLUSIVE footage.

The fourth season of RuPaul’s Drag Race premieres tonight, January 30, at 9 pm on Logo. And, as any good network would, Logo has given us a 2 minute preview of what we can expect on this brand new season. Including exchanges like this:

“Yes, I am a showgirl, bitch, go back to Party City where you belong.”

Which leads me to ask… is this an insult? Because I love Party City and I’m not ashamed of it. Where else can you walk out with a Spongebob pinata and a sobrero full of Nerds? (All involved in my usual weekend activities.) The winner of this season will win $100,000, which if my calculations are correct, translates to some amazing DRAG FIGHTS and SMOKEY EYES.

The NewNowNext Blog has a guide to all of your wonderful Drag Race constants. Judging by this list and this list alone, my money is on William… because, obviously.

Ahead, RuPaul stops to chat with EW’s Tanner Stransky about the new season while simultaneously dressed like the star of a 1970s gay cowboy porn. It’s perfect.