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3 February
Friday

BREAKING: Adam Lambert Becomes The New Lead Singer Of Queen

Well, it’s happened America!! Rolling Stone is reporting that American Idol runner-up and favorite person to drink on-camera martinis with, Adam Lambert, has announced that he is going to be replacing the late Freddie Mercury as the lead singer of Queen.

Here’s what Adam had to say about the news:

The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some f*cking great songs. It’s to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would’ve been proud of.

It’s a decision that, while surprising, shouldn’t ruffle too many oversized feather vests. Look, no one can replace Mercury, and that goes double for his mustache. But Lambert’s vocal abilities are certainly up to the challenge for Queen’s passionate repertoire. For example, 99 percent of people who attempt to sing Queen usually end the night on laying on the floor while nursing multiple burst bloodvessels in their foreheads. But Lambert is like a singing version of the chestburster in Alien. The man has no limitations. And what better way to expose his gift to his own fans as well as those of Queen’s than by merging the two?

So while this news will may rub a few Queen fans the wrong way (one brings to mind Arnel Pineda, Steve Perry’s replacement in Journey), I say we should be thankful that there’s another person out there with the vocal ability required to carry on Mercury’s legend while throwing in his own unique twist. (ie Lots of exposed tongue, more eye-makeup, 3x as much thrusting.)

Let’s also take a moment to remember that Lambert actually auditioned for Idol way back when with “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and did the song beautiful justice. Who would have guessed that 3 years later he’d be the LEAD SINGER OF QUEEN???

Click here to listen to Lambert singing a “Show Must Go On/We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” medley with Brian May and Roger Taylor at the 2011 MTV EMAs in Belfast, Ireland.

You can also check out Adam’s brand new music video for “Better Than I Know Myself” over at VH1 Tuner.

UPDATE: Ahead, we have Exclusive VH1 Video of Adam discussing his collaboration with Queen. “There’s more things happening with Queen, that’s all I can say…” For those of you doubters out there.

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3 February
Friday

Michael Voltaggio Shows You How To Make Hilariously Complicated Super Bowl Wings

Are you tired of wings being way too easy to make and always tasting great no matter what you do to them? Then LISTEN UP, all of you who just yelled ‘yes’!

Here’s a video of Top Chef Season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio showing you how to make his way-too-complicated version of Super Bowl wings, “Boneless Chicken Wing Confit with Curry and Blue Cheese Disc.” That may sound complicated, but it’s actually WAY MORE COMPLICATED than you’re already expecting, to the point where the idea of anyone ever making this is hilarious:

Got all that? Here’s my favorite step in the recipe:

Hahaha, you got it, words! It’s basically a real-life version of Ted Allen’s Pretentious Foodie Bullsh*t meal from The Onion, only more exaggerated.

(For the record, I posted this video for last year’s Super Bowl, but it’s one of my favorite things ever so here it is again. I’m just trying to help you WOW your friends at this year’s big game, by showing them this recipe so you can all be like “WOW, what a dumb waste of time!” before you eat regular wings.)

3 February
Friday

Madonna’s Super Bowl Half-Time Show: What It Might Look Like

The Super Bowl Half-Time Show is almost upon us!! This Sunday, somewhere around your 1400th Bud Light, none other than the Queen of Nutcracker Arms Madonna will take to the stage to perform in front of the 111 million people watching. Joining her on stage will be Nicki Minaj and MIA, meaning this half-time show will be a great day for both women and people whose names start with the letter M (double score!!)

There is already plenty of speculation of what Madonna has in store for us. Will she perform songs from her new album MDNA? Or will she take some mercy on us and perform only the classics minus anything from the Austin Powers franchise?

Personally, I think I have some idea of what the Super Bowl Half-Time Show is going to look like… check out the clip ahead.

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3 February
Friday

GET THE PADDLES: Jimmy Fallon’s Puppy Predictor Will Physically Stop Your Heart

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon is a show after our own hearts and wallets. (ie I would like to send him all my money without him even asking.) Because host Jimmy Fallon is using GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPIES to predict the SUPERBOWL. I mean. Not just any puppies. But like fresh from the dryer GOLDENS. I want to dip their paws in spicy peanut sauce, wrap em in lettuce, and call it an appetizer.

Jimmy managed to get an exclusive interview with the main Puppy Predictor himself, Bruce Mackabee of the New England Patriots (above). Even though this clip is only 2 minutes long, it took me LEGIT 4 minutes to watch, as I kept pausing it to send instant messages to nobody of my entire QWERTY keyboard being smashed by my fists. It’s a hard one to handle, puppy lovers, I’m going to warn you. The high you will experience while viewing may not be worth the awful emptiness you will feel immediately afterwards. But I did it, and you should too.

What are you guys doing for the Superbowl? I’m going to be doing the backstroke in a mango margarita somewhere while wearing a NY GIANTS t-shirt with an arrow pointing up to my face.

And sure, I’ll pretend to watch the Superbowl, laugh and clap along with the others, but behind my empty gaze this is what I’ll really be seeing:

3 February
Friday

The Best Super Bowl Commercial That Never Was: Doritos Beer

Several years ago, Doritos held a contest where fans submitted their own homemade commercials and the winning ad got to air during the Super Bowl. Obviously, the one that ended up getting voted in involved a person getting hit in the balls (seriously), and history unfolded as we know it (the whole Gaddafi thing, etc.)

The following ad from Pete Holmes, Matt McCarthy, and Oren Brimer was one of the five finalists in the contest, but it sadly lost out (#Ballsgate – never forget). It remains to this day the best Super Bowl commercial of all time, even though it never rightfully aired.

Websites dust off their “Greatest Super Bowl Ads Of All Time” lists every year, but their lame Budweiser Frogs and Pepsi Truckers can’t hold a candle to Doritos Beer:

I’ve watched this upwards of 50 times now in my life, and the ending gets me every time. Also, these should exist. That’s all.

2 February
Thursday

Every Wes Anderson Overhead Shot In One Appropriately Precious Supercut

Here’s a brief but excellent supercut of several dozen overhead shots in Wes Anderson movies.

There might’ve been a time on the internet where I would’ve typed that sentence then been like, “Wow, that is a really specific focus for a supercut,” but those days are long behind me, as my reaction instead was, “Sounds about right. Is it short? NICE. Good work, fellas!” [Bunch of dirty guys in construction hats give me a thumbs up]

Prepare to react to this way too dryly:

(via Film Drunk)

1 February
Wednesday

Christian Siriano Debuts Spring/Summer Campaign; Names Shoes After Yours Truly

Christian Siriano is many things: The most successful winner of Project Runway, designer for Payless Shoes, and above everything, someone who I hang out with occasionally while drinking his alcohol, petting his dog, building OCD gingerbread homes in his kitchen, and constantly pointing out the difference in each of our sizes. (One that, I can assure you, is hilarious.)

I tell you this not only to point out the fact that I associate with people I have no business knowing, but more to the point, to share with you a few things that Mr. Siriano and his musician boyfriend Brad Walsh (with whom I have endured many a “How It’s Made” marathon) have been working on.

Mainly, beautifully shot and directed videos of Christian’s Spring/Summer 2012 line starring Mena Suvari, who DOES NOT AGE. This video fulfills my fantasy of walking around an empty hotel while bedecked in many layers of neon chiffon. (Not to mention my fantasy of having an erotic encounter with Kevin Spacey while dressed like a schoolgirl. Not Kevin, me. I mean, look, Kevin can also dress like a schoolgirl if he really wants to. I refuse to put limits on this fantasy.) Where was I? Ah yes, Kevin Spacey in braids Mena Suvari in this short film directed by Christian and Brad Walsh. It will make you feel ~classy~.

Christian Siriano Spring/Summer 2012 Campaign from Brad Walsh on Vimeo.

You can purchase items from his new collection here.

This is great news for Mena Suvari and all, but what about me? WHAT ABOUT MY FASHION NEEDS?

Well, readers, I am honored and proud to reveal to you something veeery few of you will give a sh*t about. See, this weekend, I got an e-mail from Brad with the subject line: “Your shoe is here.”

My WHAT is here??

Shoe.

My shoe is here.

For a moment, I feared that somehow one of the TGI Friday canoes I wear on my feet had made its way cross-country and into the hands of an innocent man. But when I opened the e-mail, this is what I discovered:

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1 February
Wednesday

LIFE GOAL: Get High With Joan Rivers

A little story about me: I don’t smoke. Like, anything. I used to smoke cigarettes in college, until I quit, and all the little hairs in my lungs started making newborn baby sounds, and that was that. As far as smoking anything else is concerned (I’m choosing my words carefully, because I’m at “work”), I did a few times in college, until that one fateful night, where my heart felt like it was going to explode and my throat closed up and everyone in the baseball frat watched as paramedics came and wheeled me off to the ER. That… let me think… no, that was pretty much that last time I’ve ever done that.

But I’m starting to reconsider this decision after last night’s episode of Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best on WEtv, starring my ultimate life idol and funniest woman ever Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa. On last night’s episode, the second of the new season, Joan’s friend Lynne Koplitz thinks that Joan needs to relax. So off they went to their local marijuana dispensary, bought some weed, and then parked a car in a dead end to smoke it.

What follows on the rest of this hilarious episode is enough to get me to try the stuff again, under the condition that I am getting high with Joan Rivers. Joan and Lynne got too high to drive home, and so trusty daughter Melissa is forced to pick them up and then succumb to their every request. Such as stopping at a food truck, jumping into a hot tub fully clothed, and drinking hot tub water out of her sensible high heel.

Ahead, footage of all this super-stoned madness from the episode. Unfortunately, they don’t feature the footage of Joan clowning various wax figures at Madame Tussaud, ie you should set your DVRs to record this series ASAP because it is legit hilarious.

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1 February
Wednesday

The Jurassic Park Theme Is Even More Epic On Melodica

Rather than spoil the following video, I’ll let the Description speak for itself:

Just got a melodica. Here’s my rendition of the Jurassic Park theme song. What do you think?

If you watch this and don’t laugh, that’s fine, I just don’t think we’d get along very well:

Perfect. Between this and the 90s Dance Music Megamix, it’s been quite a 2012 for the ol’ melodica. I will reverse this statement tomorrow when someone emails me “Sh*t Melodicas Say”.

(thanks, @lindseyweber!)

31 January
Tuesday

One Man Phantom Of The Opera Will Amaze Your Face Off

Nick Pitera and I have something in common. Whereas I can perform nearly every single part of Les Miserables with a startling accuracy (my Marius is truly the best; my Fantine will make your eyes water), Nick is able to perform nearly every part of the other longest running musical ever not featuring pets in the title, Phantom Of The Opera.

Nick filmed himself singing the main parts — Raoul, Christine, and, of course, Phantom — and combined all three tracks to create a one-man Phantom band. And he is, to put it simply…

AMAZING

He also might not have any testicles, but again, he’s a gift, and we should treat him as such.

Major thanks to him for convincing me to get this one woman Les Miserables show on the road.

(via Buzzfeed)