The video contains spoilers, so don’t watch it if you’re not caught up on Breaking Bad or you’re still stuck on Tiamat the original Final Fantasy:

That’s Sackboy as Baby Jesus, Princess Zelda as Mary and Marcus Fenix from Gears Of War as Joseph (yikes – sorry, Link), and Mario, Metalgear’s Solid Snake, and Obi-Wan Kenobi (ehh, not sure he’s truly a ‘video game character’ but we’ll let it slide). Yoshi represents the Donkey, and Sonic The Hedgehog is just kind of there as another barn animal.

Overall, pretty impressive, if a bit ominous looking. I voted for Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl as my Baby Jesus, but I guess he just missed the cut.

Not visible but present: The God-mode avatar from Doom.

(pic via Splash News / more info here)

Who steals an entire presidential statue? UNLESS…the just-announced Carmen Sandiego movie is already becoming a reality?

QUICK! Somebody in the country shaped like a boot double the security at the Leaning Tower of Pisa!!! Be on the lookout for Justin Time and Titus Canby. They should both be eating gumbo. IT’S IN THEIR POLICE FILE, DAMMIT! WHY AM I EVEN PAYING YOU ALL THESE CRIME BUCKS IF I CAN’T GET RESULTS???

(pic via BuzzFeed)

The folks at Jest released this trailer for the far-more-intriguing Grand Theft Mario, the gritty tale of a worn-out plumber who just wants to leave his murderous past behind him but it just keeps coming back. It’s basically a 16-Bit History Of Violence, where Ed Harris is a flying turtle (FIIINALLY):

(via @JeffRubinShow)

50. Battlestar Cylon

49. Tetris

48. Settlers Of Catan Board

47. Admiral Ackbar

46. Transformers Logos

45. Another Cylon

44. Spider-Man

43. Bender

42. Death Star

41. Thundercats Logo

40. Gollum

39. Super Mario Bros.

38. Halo 3 Logo

37. Team Jacob

36. Batman

35. Dwight Schrute

34. Iron Man

33. Pac-Man

32. “Birdhouse In Your Soul”

31. Gears Of War Logo

30. Sackboy

29. Nintendo Wii

28. Hellboy

27. Another Space Invaders

26. World Of Warcraft Stormrage

25. World Of Warcraft Alliance

24. Harry Potter Characters

23. Aaaand ‘Mad Eye’ Moody

22. Optimus Prime

21. Shaun Of The Dead

20. Star Trek Logo

19. ‘Harry Plopper’ (Simpsons Movie)

18. The Hulk

17. Mewtwo

16. Venom

15. Boba Fett

14. Link

13. Playstation

12. Playstation Controller Buttons

11. Warhammer Logo

10. Mortal Kombat Fatality

9. 8-Bit Mario

8. Worf

7. Halo 3

6. A.C. Slater

5. X-Box ‘Red Ring Of Death’

4. Dungeons & Dragons Beholder

3. Pi

2. Magic: The Gathering Mana Symbols

1. A Literal Nerd

Sources: Batman, Catan, Cylon, Beholder, Magic, Boba Fett, Pokemon, Warcraft, Mario, Slater, Nerd, Video Games; multiple others via The Pumpkin Geek, Got Weird, Deviantart, Walyou, Girl Gone Geek Blog, and Flickr)

BONUS Gears Of War Pumpkin via reader @GeMiNiMaNaJ

As you’ve already seen on Twitter (or like, the news maybe, I guess?), Muammar Gaddafi (SIC Always) has reportedly been killed by Libyan rebels.

While international political strife and morbid outcomes are not primary interests of our brightly-colored yuckfest over here, one aspect of this story that DID catch our attention was this story about rebels parading around Gaddafi’s famous “Golden Gun,” which of course instantly reminds us of James Bond, and specifically the Golden Gun in the N64 game Goldeneye:

According to reports, a man named Mohammed al-Bibi said that he took the ornate, golden pistol, which Gaddafi had often been photographed holding, after shooting him dead.

The dead former leader owned several ornate golden weapons, including a rifle which was looted from his Tripoli compound when the capital was liberated earlier this year.

So what happened here, exactly? Let’s explain it in Nintendo terms:

As anyone who’s played Goldeneye knows, the golden gun does kill people on one hit but it only holds one bullet at a time so it’s remarkably inefficient; I would surmise that the victorious freedom fighters were likely equipped with either RCP-90s, Automatic Shotguns, Grenade Launchers, Lasers, or they might’ve just scored a lucky BS headshot with Cougar Magnums and it shouldn’t count anyway cause they were playing as Oddjob after we specifically said “No one can pick Oddjob.” Did you not LISTEN, freedom fighters?

Earlier unconfirmed reports from the AFP claimed that Gaddafi may have actually walked into a proximity mine while going for the body armor in the Caves, after the rebels reportedly just threw mines everywhere and waited.

Gaddafi’s last words translated as “Oh COME ON, that’s so cheap. F*ck this game.”

One game Clarissa would have definitely had her hands on was had Full House: Tournament Fighter, a combat game in the style of Mortal Kombat that pitted Uncle Jesse against Uncle Joey in a battle of the Uncles. It wasn’t real, of course, just a perfectly doctored video for YouTube that is the best. But, man, if it were real, we’d already have bought a Sega off eBay before you could say “Have mercy!”

[via Reddit]

Well – what if you took that same concept, only instead of “fighting” one another, the pieces were naked men and women and they had really explicit sex? What?? What am I saying? Who would EVER want that? Who even cares about chess games at all anymore, and who wants to mix their porn — a thing that is super-readily available at all times to everyone always — with an animated chess video game? Aroused Chessmasters don’t even have any interest in that (though for them, it falls into the “don’t sh*t where you eat” category.)

Anyway, TOO LATE, because now there’s a game called Lovechess Salvage and it’s literally a bunch of human chess pieces f***ing. Click the pic below to watch the trailer for the game, but be forewarned, it’s VERY NSFW. Especially if you really can’t stand chess:

Welp, check that off the “Why Are These Things Being Combined” list! Congratulations on being a thing, Lovechess. You’ve saved us all the embarrassment of having to masturbate to another regular chess game.

(via No, Money Down!)

PASS KEY TO HEIDI KLUM IS

007 373 5963

PUSH START!

(pics via Splash News, Jason Vorhees)

Veteran British actor Bob Hoskins, star of Who Framed Roger Rabbit and a ton of other movies but who needs a second credit when you’re already Eddie Valiant, recently did a Q&A for The Guardian. Among numerous questions about his personal fears and his philosophies on life, Hoskins also managed to work in three consecutive digs at the infamous Super Mario Bros. movie:

What is the worst job you’ve done?

Super Mario Brothers.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

Super Mario Brothers.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

I wouldn’t do Super Mario Brothers.

The interview went on…

So, I hear your daughter just started college, what’s that like for you?

God was Super Mario Brothers bad.

This is your fourth child, correct?

I mean, the Goombas — who the f*ck thought it’d be a good idea to turn the little brown guys into tiny-headed lizard monsters in suits? Had they ever seen one screen of the video game?? WHAT KID WANTS TO SEE THAT? How come we didn’t also change the flying turtles into, like, swimming tax auditors? Kids’ll love it! The title is a video game!

(Worst Previews via ONTD)

You might have to blow on the embed a couple times, but it should work:

8-bit connoisseurs (former kids still wasting limited brain-space) will recognize the visual cues from Mega Man 2, Ninja Gaiden, and the referee audio from Punch-Out!

(via Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, surprisingly)

It is not actually a real game, as several commenters pointed out, but at this point in my internetting career I’ve grown weary.biz of differentiating between real and FAAAAAKE! things, and in a way it doesn’t really matter — it’s like that priest from Doubt who might’ve slept with that kid. Was HE real or fake? We will literally never know.

Click the pic below to play the surprisingly addictive George Plimpton’s Video Falconry:

For the record, how did people figure out it was fake? BoingBoing commenter “pentomino” offered these simple, self-evident tips:

pentomino (4:27 PM, May 25):

“If they wanted to fool me, they’d have used:

* Intellivision instead of ColecoVision, because Plimpton endorsed the Intellivision in real life. (This is why other commenters are bringing it up.)

* If they’d used more of Plimpton’s footage from the Intellivision commercials, probably with him comparing his game to an inferior Atari 2600 one.

* A better voice actor. Plimpton had a very distinct voice, and one of those academic accents where you can’t tell if he’s British or just Ivy League.

* Graphics accuracy. Even Colecovision games generally didn’t have that much text in a splash screen, or lowercase letters for that matter.”

Yup. Sorry, internet, but you gotta press start prettaaay early in the morning to fool ol’ “Bullet Points” Pentomino.

Here are 15 Amazing Screenshots From Shaq-Fu, a game which, apparently, consists primarily of Shaq taunting magical creatures then punching said magical creatures:

Man, what a career. Farewell, Shaq — to quote an extremely eloquent monster-ghoul, your courage was indeed praiseworthy.

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It’s basically the real-life Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge, but with more B-roll of falcons:

WOW! These two screenshots really sold me:

Plus that tagline, “Colecovision: The only system you’ll ever need.” So true! Just as iodine remains the only medicine you’ll ever need.

(via MaximumFun.org)

If getting nostalgically baited into paying attention to the 10 trillionth remixed NES thing on the internet is cool, consider me MILES DAVIS PLAYING MARIO JAZZ:

The full CD is available on, I don’t know, some airship somewhere:

Now we can prolong that financial devastation with The World’s Biggest Pac-Man Board, a massive playable conglomeration of hundreds of unique, user-generated Pac-Man boards all connected to form one giant neverending level. If you’re looking to start your weekend early, or to enter a yellow and blue trance world for an indefinite amount of time, click the pic below to play:

You can select “Play For Fun” to play without signing in, or sign in with your Facebook account to play for, I don’t know, the pros? Either way, Pac-Man forever and whatnot.

Byeeee, people who clicked on that! Next time we see you, you’ll have a long white beard and be confused by society’s flying holo-cars.

(via Gorillamask)

EA Sports recently announced that the next Madden game will feature realistic concussions with more severe consequences in an effort to raise concussion awareness and educate kids about head trauma. Personally, I think this is a great move, because if kids nowadays are anything like me, they’ll learn everything there is to know about sports from sports video games.

Here are 25 Crucial Lessons I Learned From Playing Sports Video Games:

1. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! taught me that when your corner guy gives you faster advice, your body heals (but only once).

2. NFL Blitz taught me that elbow-dropping an already-tackled running back after the play is a fun and insignificant thing to do.

3. NBA Jam taught me that when you set a net on fire, you can goaltend.

4. Tecmo Bowl taught me that when the defense calls the right play, your O-linemen give up on life.

5. NHLPA ’93 taught me that when a player is bleeding out of a hole in his head, you can heal him by calling a 30-second Timeout.

6. Baseball Stars taught me that when you fire a player, you banish them to a spooky Poe-like dreamscape.

7. Mega Man Soccer taught me that Toad Man is much better at soccer than you would’ve guessed from Mega Man 4.

8. NES Ice Hockey taught me that if you’re not fat, you’re useless.

9. Super Dodgeball taught me that dodgeball is huge in the USSR.

10. Blades of Steel taught me that only the player who loses the fight gets penalized.

11. Tecmo Super Bowl taught me that blocking mostly consists of wrestling a player one-on-one until someone is thrown halfway across the field.

12. Pro Wrestling taught me that red dudes are invincible.

13. Bad News Baseball taught me that rabbits can ump.

14. ‘Buster’ Douglas Knockout Boxing taught me to sign those video game endorsements as quickly as possible.

15. NHL ’94 taught me that really slow wrap-around backhanders are unf***ingstoppable.

16. Joe Montana Football taught me that Deion Sanders can outrun an entire kick coverage team back and forth across a 100-yard field ad infinitum.

17. Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball taught me that any player can effortlessly throw to any base from anywhere on the field.

18. Madden ’93 taught me that sometimes the ambulance forgets why it drove on the field.

19. California Games taught me that surfing is impossible.

20. NBA Jam: T.E. taught me that a helicopter sound effect doesn’t guarantee a successful dunk, especially if you’re way ahead.

21. Double Dribble taught me that dribbling a basketball is twice as loud as a stadium of people cheering.

22. R.B.I. Baseball taught me that most professional baseball players have vowels missing from their names.

23. Mario Lemieux Hockey taught me to stop playing Mario Lemieux Hockey.

24. NES Punch-Out!! taught me that when you’re convicted of rape, you get edited out of Nintendo games.

25. Every Video Game Ever taught me that the computer f***ing cheats and this is total crap anyway so I’m gonna hit reset even though I don’t usually do this. Really.

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Below, Jeff, Jon Gabrus, and Stephen Totilo discuss 3-D Nintendo games, and I make a brief cameo to explain the nerdiest thing I’ve ever done:

Here’s Super Mario Bros. reinterpreted as a first-person shooter. It is amazing. Refer to paragraph one if this description isn’t roundabout enough:

(via The High Definite)

With Facebook’s much buzzed-about Oregon Trail game to be released shortly, let’s take a second to discuss the excitement surrounding the re-release of everyone’s most vividly remembered educational video game about sh*tting yourself to death.

For the past ten to fifteen years, any time the game “Oregon Trail” has come up in a conversation, my friends and I immediately launch into nostalgic musings about dysentery, throwing away 3700 pounds of buffalo meat, and naming characters “BUTTHEAD” so when they die the school computer informs me that BUTTHEAD HAS DIED. Oregon Trail was an absolutely irremovable piece of my educational upbringing, and to this day remains a guaranteed instant bonding experience between myself and anyone born within 5 years of me, simply with the mere mention of a banker dying of cholera (which comes up in casual conversation all the time.)

Sometimes, however, overwhelming positive nostalgia on a subject causes us to forget that the thing itself was, in an objective sense, pretty much just terrible. Which is totally fine – just because a thing is stupid doesn’t mean that we were wrong for liking it as kids or are wrong now for remembering it with genuinely loving reflection – but when Facebook is set to release an Oregon Trail game, and that game is a loose adaptation of the original that includes purchaseable in-game upgrades, and hordes of internetters my age are giving themselves whooping cough with excitement, now’s the time to remind ourselves of a truth that our collective memories have clearly obscured: Oregon Trail was a terrible, terrible video game.

My friend Jeff Rubin perfectly summed up the game in this Tweet:

Truth! So what gives me, Blogger McWhinerson, such an advanced perspective? Let me explain:

I was a huge fan of playing Oregon Trail in class. SO BIG A FAN, in fact, that I forced my mom to actually buy me the game so I could continue playing it at home. Once the initial rush wore off — I can play for forty-one minutes without anyone telling me to stop! — the absolute inanity of this acquisition quickly revealed itself to me, even to my feeble video-game-obsessed whatever-year-old brain.

When I was playing the game in class, I was playing it instead of doing school. When I was playing the game at home, I was playing it instead of playing one of my 4,000 far more entertaining Nintendo games (well, 3,999 better games, Hydlide was unplayable), or playing with my 8 billion action figures, or if I felt so daring, going outside. When you’re ranking Oregon Trail against other post-1980 video games, it not only doesn’t stack up, it practically makes you embarrassed for ever having derived enjoyment from it. Anyone who’s ever purchased the He-Man DVD set knows this feeling.

First off, Oregon Trail is way too easy. 98% of the game was text-based randomness, and the only two action-based segments in the game — hunting, and the “going down the rapids” raft ending (in the Apple II version) — were insultingly easy to anyone who’s ever hopped over the first Goomba in Mario 1. The raft part was practically in slow motion, to the point where you’d have to deliberately go out of your way to die on it; frickin’ calculator games took more skill to beat. And this was back before graphing calculators even existed — literally the only calculator game was typing “BOOBIES” upside down, and that was tougher than beating Oregon Trail.

Secondly, there’s only like, nine things that can happen in the entire game. Once you’ve beaten it as every profession (which isn’t hard once you realize that you don’t need to buy food, just get bullets and hunt and instantly have enough food for the entire game), and intentionally killed yourself with every possible ailment (“Snakebite! Sweet”), there’s absolutely no conceivable excuse for wasting more time on it. The only excitement I ever got from playing Oregon Trail at home was naming a character “Damon” after my friend with a broken leg and rooting for him to get a broken leg in the game. That, and graduating BUTTHEAD to ASSHOLE.

Third, you can already play Oregon Trail online for free. Or if you have an emulator or a Wii or just own old systems, you can play equivalently nostalgia-inducing games that are way better — the Mario games, the Zelda games, the Castlevanias, the Mega Mans, nearly every 80s arcade game — with about the same amount of cost and effort.

I’m not saying don’t check out the new Facebook Oregon Trail game when it comes out, I just figured that with the recent explosion of “OMG! Oregon Trail’s back, BABY!!!” comments (from VinceVaughnQuotes.gov), a call to sanity on the nostalgic deification of Oregon Trail was in order. It’s a game we all loved and continue to love reminiscing about, which is great, but let’s not forget exactly why that’s the case: Oregon Trail was always hilariously bad.

(Screenshots via cdevroe.com and @BleepBloopJeff)

Looks like Barch was on a roll with the star-punches but misjudged how much life Stortini had left and couldn’t knock him down, then just ran out of hearts. Stars coach Marc Crawford tried to encourage him by yelling “Join the Nintendo Fun Club!” but it only restored a tiny bit of energy when he hit select.

For the record, playing the Punch-Out music isn’t a new thing at the American Airlines Arena, but it’s gone from being an occasional novelty to being the team’s standard fight music of choice, probably thanks to nostalgic, in-the-know jerky nerds like us.

Speaking of jerky nerds, why is the Punch-Out TRAINING music playing during the fight? It should be the fighting music. I mean, crap, I’m all for NES Easter egg music cues but let’s straighten out our details here. If someone gets an Icing call, would you play the music from FIRE MAN’S level in Mega Man 1? I don’t think so.

(via Empty Netters)

The games are currently being tested in four locations in Tokyo, with each Toylet offering four games to choose from:

There’s the “Graffiti Eraser”: The stronger the stream, the more cyberwalls you can clean up.

Or try “Milk From Nose.” This is a multiplayer game. Your stream is measured against those of previous users and translated into milk blown from a character’s nose. The strongest nose-blowers pushes the opponent out of a ring, and we have a winner. Your opponent need not be present to play.

Another game equates stream strength with a gust of wind blowing the dress off a girl.

Sounds amazing! And that dress-blowing game is so Japan, it is now literally the Prime Minister of Japan. Also, the Toylet is being announced the same week as Starbucks’ new Trenta size?? That’s called serendipipee, folks.

Additional mind-blowing Toylet graphic, courtesy of Akihabara News:

The internet, doing its duty as a citizen that is the internet, promptly responded with the appropriate Super Mario Bros. themed remix:

Rarely does a remix of a clip make way more sense than the original clip, but this video really does explain a lot. Or maybe those sound effects actually happened live and I didn’t have my tv turned up loud enough?

Sidenote: Remember when the Bills drafted a running back in the first round again this year then traded Lynch (their 1st pick in ’07) to Seattle for a 4th and 6th round pick? Anyone feel like remixing those transactions with this sound effect?

It’s a six-minute (yow!) video of someone playing QWOP, the indecipherable keyboard Olympic somethingerother, and offering play-by-play frustrated commentary. As someone with the attention span of a dog who is also a squirrel, I still managed to watch most of this with great enjoyment:

(via Urlesque)

Oh, it’s for the video game Def Jam Rapstar? You mean, the video game that VH1 is filming then turning into fifteen new shows? No? Ehhh, we’ll see about that…

(via The Superficial)

The gamers then get pissed off at the police because “This is Level 20, the Kingdom of Galigar!” (were they playing this game?) and also because introverted antisocial gamers always lash out at detectives who arrest and interrogate them. Shut off that damn Nintendo!

Congratulations, SVU, for continuing to not be ridiculous:

The most not-ridiculous part of the video? This credit:

Yup. It was co-produced by an entity named Speed Weed. Someone didn’t want to put their actual name on this product, like it’s a Cinemax softcore porn flick and the editor’s name is listed as “Max Boobs.”

Also, the video game they’re playing is scenes from The Lawnmower Man:

(via Videogum)

Outfit look familiar? Some of you may recognize it from this concept sketch:

Oh Scorpion, you ol’ trendsetter. They took a few liberties with the color and the shoulders, but it’s nice to see high fashion finally catching up with 90s fighting games; I predict King’s outfit from Tekken will be all the rage in 2012.

After the jump, the elegant female dress equivalent of the Scorpion outfit, as part of the “Get Over Here…For Ladies” Line:

Here’s the game for you! Click below to play The Game Where You Earn So Much Points By Doing Almost Nothing In 30 Seconds:

Woohoo!! I’m good at video games again! I feel like I’m six years old and crushing Bubble Bobble, instead of my current age and still crushing Bubble Bobble because I never got good at many games that came out after Bubble Bobble.

(via Gorillamask)

Unfortunately, if you drop that console once, you can never pick it back up again. (Are my jokes making sense anymore? It’s Friday.)

Click here to check out the rest of the list. I would say that a couple don’t look real, but I’ve learned the hard way not to underestimate the intenet’s collective nerdery. I can still feel my ol’ college Pwning injury.

Google Director Of Random Whimsical Laid-Back Seeming Operations: Coo’.

Result: