Some of Oprah’s most memorable guests:
- Tom Cruise
- Nelson Mandela
- Michael Jordan
- This Little Guy:
Unemployment Check
SeptemberTuesday
UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Obama Campaign Gradually Turning Into You Got Served Sequel
On Ellen this week, Michelle Obama attempted to top her husband’s notorious Ellen dance with some moves of her own, apparently still trying to lock up that crucial “people who love impromptu wholesome morning show dances” demographic (there’s a lot of them in Michigan):
Can we skip the next couple months of candidates posturing and mudslinging and just agree to elect This Dude?
JuneTuesday
UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: President Meowz
On The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet today, a cat personality expert de-meow-nstrated her psych-kit powers, and introduced us to the history-making future first kitty president of the U.S.A., to the delight of the cr-meow-d.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new President of America — Triangular Face Cat:
MayThursday
UC: Somebody’s Gonna Die on The Price is Right
Hemming and hawing is nothing new when it comes to The Price is Right Showcase Showdown. Some folks take such a long time to decide on their final bid, the host — in this case Drew Carey — is forced to gently hurry them up so that they may squeeze in some sweet, sweet ad time.
But today, a first: Our contestant Michael, proudly sporting a Batman t-shirt, turns to his mother in the audience for help. And continues asking her for guidance well into the signature Price is Right “Wrap It Up” music. And in the end? His Mom pretty much screws him over. Check out the video, and don’t act surprised when the camera cuts to Michael comically strangling his mother in front of the Plinko board.
MayWednesday
UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: This Martha Kid Is Getting Pulverized At School Tomorrow
Oh dear God — please, kid, I know you’re a huge fan of the domestic arts, and that’s totally cool and nothing to be ashamed of and you should do what you like to do, but please, I beg of you, do not go on national tv to ask Martha Stewart a homemaking question on her audience Q&A Day…
Remember, when kids are kicking the crap out of you at school tomorrow, don’t reply “well what were you doing watching Martha?” Logic doesn’t work on bullies, they will only punch you harder and for longer. Take it from this guy I knew.
MayThursday
UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Martha’s Mad Scientist Fetish
Why is Martha Stewart making Nickelodeon Gak? And why is she wearing the teeth of a Lord of the Rings orc and talking like an autistic Sylvester?? And why is the kid Lyle Lovett??? What the hell is going on????
MayMonday
UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Mimi CoCo In The Morning
While conducting my usual Monday morn screening of Mike & Juliet, I was shocked and delighted to discover our very own Michelle Collins up there on the TV, talking Tinseltown, looking lovely. And when the discussion turned toward the rumored relationship between Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson, our girl wielded her power of punmanship mightily, saying the couple had been seen “having a ball”, which set up a Collins Classic “no pun intended” punchline that was sadly omitted from the broadcast of the program. Still, she killed – so take a look!
MayFriday
UC: The Dogg Pound Visits One Life To Live
Clearly, not watching One Life To Live on a daily basis is an unforgivable mistake. We tuned in yesterday to catch Snoop Dogg‘s appearance, only to find the presence of an altogether more fascinating character: A male stripper named Rex, who is almost definitely a meth head. Where’s Ken Seeley and Candy Finnegan when you need ‘em?
We’ve given you the best of both worlds in this clip: Methy hot stripper rere, and Snoop himself, wearing a ring that can conveniently double as a serving dish. Man, are they smooth.
MayTuesday
UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Ever Wonder What Mike From “Mike & Juliet” Sounds Like Having Sex?
On today’s Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, a discussion of posturepedic versus spring mattresses resulted in the inevitable: Mike re-enacting the sound of his bed squeaking during sex. Or possibly the chimp-like sound of himself during sex. Or both. Either way, it’s not something you expect to hear coming out of everyone’s favorite Fred Willard lookalike at 9 in the morning.
More like T.M.Ike and Juliet, am I right people? Note to self: Delete this paragraph before actually publishing blog post.
MayThursday
Ellen Degeneres Discovers A Massage Chair for “Down There”
On yesterday’s episode of The Ellen Degeneres Show, the always eager Ms. Degeneres introduces a new exercise product that piqued her interest: The iGallop Core and Ab Exerciser, a machine that simulates bareback ridiing and stimlates your “muscles”. Being a good sport, Ellen decided to give this oddball little gadget a try… and things quickly devolved from there. Ellen seemed a little too excited about the gadget, and ended the segment by helpfully telling us she’d be taking the instrument home with her.
It’s not so much all the “sex toy” talk that makes us uncomfortable… more the “suggestive noises” being made on an NBC daytime talkshow. So turn your speakers up, toss your NSFW worries to the wind, and check out Ellen riding a invisible pony.
Video after the jump.
