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18 October
Tuesday

Boardwalk Empire Recap: Diff’rent Strokes

On a show with so many boobs and so many murders, it was really only a matter of time before someone got murdered by boobs.

It’s Boardwalk Empire Season 2, Episode 4 entitled “What Does The Bee Do?” And if by “Bee” we mean Gretchen Mol’s “bee-oobs,” then the answer to that question is “they cause The Commodore to have a stroke.”

Waaaaaittttt aaaaaaaa minnuuuuttttteee… A high-ranking but generally mean-spirited antagonist suffered a crippling stroke in the middle of sexual passion? That seems awfully familiar…

So just how powerful is Naked Gretchen Mol? Here’s a handy diagram (NSFW):

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18 October
Tuesday

Kathie Lee Makes Fun Of Jersey Shore Cast In Front Of Jersey Shore Cast

The existence of Jersey Shore is puzzling to many people, only because one would think that the novelty of East Coast “guidos and guidettes” might have worn off by now. But, no, people continue to eat up the finely-produced adventures of Shnooky, Jwho?, Michael Situation, and Deena DeVito as they binge drink, speak English poorly, and do everything in their power to decimate the image of the Italian American.

Consider Kathie Lee Gifford, resident crankypants, who had the gaul — THE GAUL! — to say in front of DeVito and Sammi Sweet Tarts that she can’t tell the cast members apart and that,  basically, who cares about these people and why are they on her show?

18 October
Tuesday

Lights, Camera, Naptime: Harry Belafonte Asleep On Live Television

Cut Harry Belafonte a break, you guys. He’s 84 years old, a living legend for his work in film and music and as an activist. And he’s about to be the focus of an HBO biopic and a new autobiography, so when he does interview junkets all day long, he’s bound to get tired and close his eyes for a moment because, you know what? He’s tired! He’s lived for eight decades! Leave him alone! You’d be exhausted, too!

But, man, the control room is probably a mess right now. You just do you, Belafonte! Daylight come and you wanna take a NAP! YOU DESERVE IT!

Crazy how not-alive he looks, right? Who knew Harry Belafonte slept in “coffin” position? #themoreyouknow

18 October
Tuesday

The Real Housewives Of South Boston Should Be Real

Enough with the rich, fabulous, and classy! SHOW US REAL HOUSEWIVES!

Well, considering that’s never going to happen (nor is the portrayal of actual classy women because, hi, have you seen these shows?), the second best we could ever hope for is a pitch-perfect satire on YouTube, which we receive in the form of The Real Housewives Of South Boston. Anyone familiar with life in and around Beantown can surely identify with the things that occupy these ladies lives: ciggies, big hair, and Marky Mark. And fights. Lots and lots of fights.

Actually, that sounds just like every other Housewives franchise.

18 October
Tuesday

Toddlers And Tiaras Breakout Star Eden Wood Is Now A Model, But Not Really

Eden Wood proved herself to be THE BREAKOUT STAR of TLC’s pedobait circus child beauty pageant parade Toddlers & Tiaras, especially when she KILLED IT on The Talk (inadvertently alerting people that The Talk is a thing). Sorry, we meant she killed it in the slowed-down version that went viral.

Anyway, now she’s a real model for a fake ad. See, the folks at W Magazine love a good joke, so they enlisted photographer to “shoot nine advertisements for fake products and sprinkle them in with the real ads,” which may or not be confusing, if you’re as dumb as me.

But it’s funny because Eden Wood is wearing Marchesa, and I’m told that’s more expensive than my favorite designer, Larc Yacobs (he designs exclusively for Dress Barn and TJ Maxx, so you probably don’t know him?).

[W via Jezebel]

17 October
Monday

The Walking Dead Season 2 Premiere Recap: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!

The Walking Dead is back! It’s Season 2, Episode 1, and it couldn’t come at a better time — there’s nothing like some zombie-fueled methadone to slowly wean us off our Breaking Bad addiction. Though actually, wouldn’t that be an addiction to meth? Whoops! Now we’re just taking two unrelated drugs. THANKS, AMC!

As we recall (thanks to a haphazard five-second “Previously” segment that was like half a zombie’s face and Shane pouring wine), Season 1 ended with a steamy Cinemax shower scene turned Center For Disease Control F***ing Exploding (RIP and LOL), leaving the remaining survivors (aka, THE WALKING DEAD, a double-meaning that hit me like a month after Season 1 so why are you even trusting me to do these recaps) to hit the road in search of a location free of zombies and zombie-sympathizing suicidal doctors.

We open on Rick Grimes, therapeutically explaining the situation to his walkie talkie:

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17 October
Monday

Photos Of People Weirded Out By Guy Fieri, Who Is Allegedly “Weirded Out” By Gay People

A former producer of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives says its host (and Human Devil) Guy Fieri has come out railing against the second winner of The Next Food Network Star, alleging the following:

“You have to protect Guy from all of his poop jokes. Anytime any woman mentioned ‘cream,’ Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy’s eye line, because it’s always on breasts.”

Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show’s run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who’d just walked out of a restaurant in a huff.

“Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners,” Page remembers. “He said, ‘You can’t send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!’”

Man, if that’s true? Gross. Is it true? Fieri says that parts of the article include “total fabrications,” but, like, look at the guy. Can you see him? Can you actually see what he looks like? Rumor has it that one out of every twenty viewers who watch Guy Fieri on TV claim they’ve taken a time machine back to 1998, when spiked and gelled frosted tips, wrap-around sunglasses, and Smash Mouth were all socially acceptable. So it’s hard to say what is and isn’t real about the guy.

Nevertheless, we found some great pictures of other people being weirded out by Guy Fieri:

Rachael Ray

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17 October
Monday

Danielle Staub Attends Bitch Party

On Sunday afternoon, dog owners and enthusiasts in New Jersey gathered in Hoboken for the Liberty Humane Society’s eighth annual “Bark in the Park” charity walk. Former Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub brought her signature threatening stare and Joker-face smile to the festivities, where she was accompanied by her daughters and their personal bitches, chihuahuas Sasha and Paradise.

Why, who did you think we were talking about?

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14 October
Friday

So You Think You Know Everything About The Fresh Prince?

EVERYBODY thinks s/he knows the ins and outs of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. Sure, you can recite the theme song backwards. Sure, you can distinctly recall there being two Aunt Vivs. Sure, you are well aware that the butler was gay. What? That’s not confirmed? He just sounded gay, maybe British? Got it, got it, got it. Sorry, Geoffrey.

Also amazing: “The Carlton Dance” was set to Tom Jones, but it was based on Courtney Cox in Bruce Springsteen‘s “Dancing In The Dark” video, which is somehow even MORE White!

And, uh, did you recognize Will’s cab driver during the opening theme? Because, wow, it’s actually someone very famous (hint: his name rhymes with “Shwincy Bones”). Six more thing you never knew about The Fresh Prince after the jump!

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12 October
Wednesday

Your Other Favorite Mad Men Character Loves Games

Who’s your favorite male character on Mad Men? Don Draper? Roger Sterling? Paul Kinsey? Pete Campbell? Harry Crane? Good choice. Harry Crane is endlessly charming, impossibly adorable, and just the guy you’d want to invite to your viewing party, although that would be weird because imagine watching Mad Men with a Mad Man? Psychedelic, dude.

In real life, Rich Sommer seems just as fun. Aside from the fact that he’s carved The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm into his resume, he’s also a gaming nerd! And, like us, he thinks bored games are more like bo-ring games, which is why he visited Attack Of The Show with some insightful suggestions for what to do when you fall asleep during the first round of Monopoly.

[via Dave Holmes]