SeptemberIn the following Double Stuff Oreo commercial that I can already tell we’re gonna be seeing non-stop this NFL season, Donald Trump and the Manning Brothers battle head-to-head to determine who is the undisputed champion of not being able to turn down appearances.
I’m surprised Michael Phelps and John Madden didn’t somehow materialize at the last second and high-five:
AugustThe New York Mets are in the midst of an almost Raiders-esque season of hilarity — their four best position players are all injured, their general manager got into a shouting match with a reporter at a press conference, their VP of player personnel challenged an entire minor league team to a fight — but yesterday, The Mets achieved their most creative feat of suckitude yet: losing a game by hitting into an unassisted triple play, only the 15th unassisted triple play in Major League Baseball’s 100+ year history.
Next up – Somehow losing a game because of Haley’s Comet:
AugustAfter setting multiple sprinting world records at the 2009 Track & Field World Championships in Berlin, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt celebrated the only way anyone should celebrate anything — by posing with a giant, happy Sprinter-Bear:
After the jump, the Berlin Sprinter Bear’s moment of glory:
August
ESPN reports that Brett Favre will sign a 2-year contract to return to the NFL with the Minnesota Vikings later today, pending a physical. For about the last five years, Favre has been part of an ongoing retirement saga, appearing in pointless, speculative ESPN stories year-round and constantly forcing us to alternatively declare “I’m sick of this Favre crap” and “oh man, now he did THIS ridiculous thing? Guess we have to talk about it.”
In short, he’s the sports-gossip equivalent of Heidi and Spencer. We’ve basically all followed the same general progression of reactions to both Favre coverage and Pratts coverage over the past few years:
Step 1: Man, getting really sick of this Favre/Speidi coverage.
Step 2: Man, getting really REALLY sick of this Favre/Speidi coverage.
Step 3: ESPN/Us Weekly is still covering Favre/Speidi today?? Nothing new happened!
Step 4: That’s it, I’m through talking about Favre/Speidi. Totally ignoring them, I don’t care what happens.
Step 5: Laaa deee daaaaaaa… I can’t heaaaarr yooooouuuu, not listening…..
Step 6: WHAT??? Favre came back AGAIN and got traded to the Jets / Heidi released ANOTHER music video??? GAAAHHHHHH I’m too weak, I can’t not make fun of this.
Steps 7-12: Repeat Steps 1-5 again in exact progression, adding “I’m SERIOUS this time.”
Step 13: WHAT??? Favre came back AGAIN and signed with the Vikings / Heidi appeared on the vomit-inducingest Playboy cover ever??? GAAAHHHHHH I’m too weak, I can’t not make fun of this.
[Repeat For Rest Of My Life]
August
According to In Touch Weekly sources (in gossip mags, “sources” usually means “hyperfacts”), Kate Hudson wants to bear the love child of Yankees slugger / great-public-image-haver Alex Rodriguez.
Take it away, speculative-ass friend quote:
…A friend of hers explains: “She just turned 30 and she’s ready to have her second child. She wants Ryder to have a sibling, so she brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility.”
I don’t know, this sounds pretty speculative (except the part about all financial responsibility, cause that’s definitely how people talk when they’re planning to have a kid, plus it’s not like A-Rod makes $850 mil a year or anything). I need some concrete evidence that Kate Hudson wants to have A-Rod’s love child.
Thankfully, here is that concrete evidence:
Kate has even introduced Alex to her mom, Goldie Hawn, and Goldie’s partner, Kurt Russell, who accompanied her to Yankee Stadium on August 8 to watch the Yankees play the Boston Red Sox. “They cheered when Alex was at bat and he smiled at them when he was on third base,” says an onlooker.
OH MY GOD SHE’S PREGNANT AS SH*T. Oh, she’s not yet? Well she will be, cause if an onlooker saw them cheering while Alex was at bat, that means they are effing without a condom on. Also, everyone else in Yankee Stadium was cheering when Alex came to bat, so they’re probably also f***ing.
Also, “Hello Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, I am Alex Rodriguez” sounds like the opening line to a MAD TV sketch. Which is usually a good omen for things happening in real life.
AugustHere’s Tom Brady posing in a wife-beater on the cover of the latest issue of Details, as either a deadbeat dad about to throw the remote at his son for blocking the game for the thousandth time, or a post-breakup mess sitting on the couch trying to pretend that he hasn’t already seen this Press Your Luck rerun.
Because it’s Tom Brady, I will conservatively guess that Details was not aiming for the latter theme, but your guess is as good as mine:
Other pics from Brady’s Details shoot after the jump…
(more…)
July
Just when you thought the Tony Romo / Jessica Simpson breakup would continue to be exactly as free of amusingly ridiculous tabloid anecdotes as their relationship, Romo went ahead and maturely hung an anti-Jessica sign on the front of his gated community, as any human would after a breakup:
Us Weekly…reports the Dallas Cowboys quarterback instructed security to keep Simpson out of his gated community.
A sign at the entrance reads: “RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN….JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS.”
Possible interpretations of this scenario:
1) Tony Romo communicates entirely through telegraphs (Us Weekly has omitted the [STOP]s)
2) Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson because having her around violated his house’s strict NO GURLS ALLOWED policy. He was blackballed from all marble games until he agreed to comply.
3) Commander Riker from Next Generation is in charge of Tony Romo’s HouseList, hence the “RED ALERT!!!”
4) Tony Romo literally wrote that message onto a sign and hung the sign on the gate around his home, so that Jessica Simpson would see it and no that she is no longer approved for access.
I’m gonna say…most likely, a combo of #3 and #2.
JulyPolice in Connecticut busted up an underground canary and finch fighting league, arresting nineteen people on gambling and animal cruelty-related charges. Who do these people think they are, that NFL quarterback – Tom Brady?
Obvious shock/bewilderment aside, I came away from the video with the following two reactions:
1) Humankind is really good at coming up with creative new crimes.
2) How desperate for gambling and/or blood lust do you have to be to FORCE CANARIES TO FIGHT ONE ANOTHER AND BET ON IT?
Con sarnit – back in mah day, smalltown people were shocked by underground meth rings, and that’s the way we liked it!!!
JulyOnly time will tell if the additions of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony is just a publicity stunt by the Miami Dolphins, or if it’ll actually bolster their pass rush.
Either way, that Ted Ginn draft pick ain’t lookin’ so bad now, is it Dolphins fans? It still is? Alright, never mind.
JulyHere’s a photo of apparent polo legend Nacho Figueras at the Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge in New York City. Are we sure this is an actual dude, and not a Ben Stiller character?
According to Wikipedia: Nacho Figueras (born March 4, 1977 in 25 de Mayo, Buenos Aires Province) is an Argentine polo player, considered one of the best players in the world with a handicap of six. He usually plays in Argentina and in the U.S., where he is part of the BlackWatch Polo Team
Argentinean polo player, could pass for a Bond villain, first name is NACHO — every aspect confirms that this person is, in fact, just another Ben Stiller character. I don’t think it can be disputed.
We’ll bring you further updates as soon as we figure out what upcoming Ben Stiller movie this is somehow viral marketing for. Check back minutely for updates.
Michelle Collins
Managing Editor
Dan Hopper
Senior Editor
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