One of the many highlights of Diane Sawyer‘s Very Serious sit-down discussion with bad-mother-to-be Nicole Richie was the portion in which Diane addressed the topic of the waif-like startard’s eating habits, prompting Nicole to assure us all that, despite her lifelong crusade to rabidly avoid food consumption of any kind, she will begrudgingly feed herself to nourish the baby growing inside of her. Nicole hammers this home by explaining that in the few weeks since she started trying out this whole eating thing, she’s already gained like 5 – maybe 10 – ounces. Aaaand she’s even going to knock off the boozing, pot-smoking and pill-popping, at least while there are cameras around, which is, know you, most of the time. You guys, she’s gonna be the best mother since Mother Teresa.
Sizzler
AugustFriday
SIZZLER: Nicole Richie Assures Us She Is Planning To Eat While Pregnant, So Breathe Easy
AugustFriday
SPONTANEOUS POLL: Is Paula Abdul Really Drugged? :’(
OK look – I’ve been watching Hey Paula on Bravo. The easiest explanation for that is that I basically watch anything Bravo lovingly chews up and shoves down my throat — though I draw the line at Flipping Out, if only because the main guy looks like a dream I once had about a gay ventriloquist dummy come to life. Anyway, Paula Abdul, I’ve learned, is a strangely endearing woman, one who welcomes fans with open arms, and who works harder than any battery-operated tron I’ve ever seen. She also never sleeps. Ever. And cries. Often. Her insane behavior which the world has been privy to for a while, it seemed, was a result of this insomnia, and not painkillers — or so the show would have you believe. But in today’s Page Six, an item about Paula just seems too insane to be real, insinuating that not only does Paula have an addition to pain killers, but she also… sleeps! And has a temper:
PAULA Abdul is always running late, as seen on her Bravo show, “Hey Paula” – but woe to her assistants if they don’t get their jobs done on time. A spy says, “There’s a salon chair in her house where she gets her hair and makeup done every day. She’ll sit in it, set an alarm, and then, because she’s on so many painkillers, pass out while her hair and makeup guy gets her ready for the day. When the alarm goes off she’ll wake up, and God forbid the poor guy isn’t done yet. All hell breaks loose.” Abdul’s rep said, “There’s no alarm that I’ve ever seen.”
See, I would have no problem believing this… if the item wasn’t about napping, which I doubt she ever does. So the real question is: How many of you really believe she’s addicted to painkillers? And how many of you naive folks at there, like me, thinks she’s just got a case of the “never sleeps”?
AugustThursday
SIZZLER: TomKat To Provide Photographic Proof They’re Able To Be Naked In A Room Together?
After causing a minor stir among the blogs with that recent sweat-soaked dirty dancing picture taken at The Beckhams‘ Hollywood Welcome Party, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes might be following in the footsteps of their new pals from across the pond by arranging a steamy photoshoot in which they plan to challenge the media’s “forced union to compensate for cult insanity, underlying homosexuality” perception of their marriage by posing together in the buff. According to Sawf News (?) via Dlisted:
“They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”Cruise and Holmes, 28, have so far kept a wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.
“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
While the source is dubious and this could just be a rumor, a half-naked TomKat posing in a spread photoshopped to look like Fabio being fellated on the cover of a trashy romance novel does sound like just the kind of thing they’d do. And while I’m sure “their chemistry” is indeed “amazing”, nobody wants to see pictures of the test tubes and beakers they used to make Suri.
(photo via Getty Images)
JulyFriday
SIZZLER: Lindsay Clears Up Accusations, Identifies Real Culprit As “Some Black Guy”
After a week of speculation and unanswered questions, the truth about what REALLY happened the night Lindsay Lohan was arrested is finally starting to come out. The crimes she’s been accused of break down into the three parts: drunk driving, recklessly chasing another vehicle, and getting caught with a bag of cocaine in her pants pocket. Sounds pretty unsavory; an open-and-shut case, right? WRONG! Throughout the week, celebrity news shows like Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and Inside Edition have done some hard-hitting journalism, uncovering crucial new facts and bringing us the REAL STORY that ostensibly vindicates the victimized Lohan from any wrong-doing whatsoever. Consider the following evidence:
1) Drunk Driving - First of all, she didn’t even know she was drunk: Lindsay suffers from a severe case of halitosis and was just using a lot of mouthwash that day. Secondly, she wasn’t even driving. She’s not sure who it was, but described the perp as “some black guys”. TMZ finally tracked down these criminal masterminds and beat a camera confession out of them with money. Surprising that someone an upstanding lady like Lindsay would even be hanging around this kind of Riff-Raff, which leads me to believe she was taken prisoner. One of the perps ever tries fakes remorse, saying “It was pretty much the worst night of my whole summer.” (Summer? Jeez dude, what was your spring like?)
2) Recklessly Chasing Another Vehicle – As Lindsay revealed, “she was almost hit by her assistant Tarin’s mom” during the car chase. So it would seem this crazed mother was actually chasing HER, probably enraged by her daughter’s exploitation, having to constantly provide Lindsay with non-alcoholic beverages and take her to all those AA meeting. And the 911 recording corroborates this theory, because you can clearly tell the person on the phone is a homicidal maniac bent on automotive destruction (like that Grindhouse movie Death Proof, only scarier). So they were obviously chasing Lindsay, who was just riding their bumper to make sure they couldn’t get into an “attack” position.
3) The Cocaine Found In Her Pants – As the venerable journalists at Entertainment Tonight have revealed, the pants containing the drugs didn’t even belong to Lindsay! Some wretched soul, bent on destroying Lindsay, tricked (or forced) her into wearing those fateful designer pants in which a little baggy of high-grade blow had been maliciously placed. Hopefully this culprit will be discovered soon, but I suspect it was probably those black guys.
JulyThursday
MEMO TO ALI LOHAN: Sweetie, We Need to Talk
Lindsay Lohan’s sister and Second-Most Effed-up Daughter of Dina Lohan , Ali Lohan, has sent an exclusive e-mail to 24Sizzler explaining the true cause of all the Lohan drama: Their father Michael. The message has us all knotted up with concern — talk about teen angst!! Seems like now that Lindsay has been sent away to rehab, Ali could use some big sisterly advice. Let’s read her e-mail together, while I dole out the wisdom passed on to me by years of hard living.
Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is.
Look, we’ve all seen that South Park episode about Cartman‘s Mom, but perhaps saying that Dina is your Mom AND Dad isn’t the type of message you want to put out there. The schoolyard can be a cruel place for girls your age, and Hyde can be even crueler.
My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us.
ook, all of our Mom’s have “souported” us at one point or another — but perchance you need to ween yourself off your Mama’s stew and grab yourself a copy of Chicken Soup for the Lost Child Actor Star’s Soul. It’s delicious and educational-tricious.
i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother.
You know who else sounds like she’s making a lot of excuses? One lil’ miss Ali Lohan. We’re sure your mother has indoctrinated you into thinking this way for years, blaming the Dad for everything including “low self-esteem”, but there are literally hundreds of ways of acting out against low self-esteem (wiping Krispy Creme custard off of keyboard, guzzling Crystal Light) and drinking and drugs are NOT one of them. I’m pretty sure Katherine Hepburn‘s dad was a scheming, thieving James Caan lookalike, and look how she turned out!
He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been.
If you truly mean this, Ali, I certainly hope you’ve kidnapped your sister and chained her to a bed in a dark room somewhere, like the little boy in Ransom. A year of that and she’ll snap out of her drug habits in no time.
I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family –
She’s right, my mother also told all my friends she was a Rockette, even though she was a 5’2″ tall triple amputee –
but of course we are put under a microscope because of –
A new, uncurable strain of herpes?
lindsays fame,
Eep! Right.
lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common.
Again, that last thing is not something you should be openly addressing…
My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives.
Thankyou for your time god bless, Ali
Well, the least we can look forward to is her upcoming movie co-starring Brittany Murphy called Deep-Seated Daddy Issues That Will Take Years of Electro-Shock Therapy to Get Over.
JulyThursday
SIZZLER: Zed’s Not Dead, But He’s On Crack
Peter Greene is one of those actors you probably don’t remember, but could never forget, at least upon the realization that he’s primarliy known for his role in Pulp Fiction, playing Zed the weird pawn shop-dwelling cop who keeps a leather clad human being affectionately known as “The Gimp” chained up in a box in a dungeon. Anyway, according to the Daily News, he’s on crack now:
Actor Peter Greene…was arrested Tuesday night in the East Village for possession of crack cocaine.
I would never advocate drug use (other than my own, obvs), but you really have to give the guy a break when you think about the fact that whenever he walks down the street, people probably run away in terror. It must be sort of like the way Christopher Reeve was never able to escape the shadow of Superman, only way, way worse.
JulyWednesday
SIZZLER: Cash Warren Is Probably Not Having His Best Week Ever
As much as all of mankind has hated Cash Warren for winning the the heterosexual lottery and getting promoted from “movie PA” to the position of “Jessica Alba‘s sex partner” and co-enjoyer of her lavish lifestyle, I’ve got admit, the UsWeekly account of her sending him on a one-way trip to Dumpsville is nothing less than heartbreaking. Brace yourselves:
Sources tell Us that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out. [...]
The breakup “happened…almost out of nowhere,” the source says.
Ouch, right? But wait, it gets even worse at the end:
When Cosmo asked the actress to name her celebrity crushes, she replied: “I would have to say Johnny Depp, Michael Caine…Morgan Freeman, and Jake Gyllenhaal.â€
So let us recap: dude gets dumped by Jessica Alba, out of nowhere, over the phone, left with nothing but the Abercrombie rags he was wearing when he struck it rich, and the mental image of his girlfriend getting the Shawshank Redemption from Morgan motherf*cking Freeman!?! THAT, my friends, is what you call a “bad day”. But seriously, Cash – try to look at the bright side…there has to be one somewhere. Okay, maybe not, but still, it could be worse. You’re right, it couldn’t be any worse. Look, just don’t off yourself, dude.
JulyWednesday
EDDIE MURPHY: Gay, Straight, or Bisexual Circus Clown?
Eddie Murphy might be one of the world’s greatest comedians and actors, but he’s also one of the bigger a-holes we’ve ever had the pleasure of coming across. First, he plans a baby with girlfriend at the time Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown, then dumps her and refuses her calls — even when the woman is in labor! Now, Scary Spice is lashing back, and seems ready to reveal some sordid, intimate details from their personal lives spent together. And if ever there was a way to raise red flags about Eddie Murphy’s personal life, it’s bringing up the fact that your “lifestyles” weren’t compatible. So, read the following item from the NY Daily News, and then answer the question that’s on all of our minds: Is Eddie Murphy gay, straight, or a bisexual circus clown?
There were certain things that went on in his house with his lifestyle that I wasn’t prepared to be a part of,” Brown says on essence.com. “I have a baby with this guy, so I have to be somewhat respectful. I’ll simply say that there were lifestyle changes that he would have to make if we were going to live together. … I don’t have people (Ed. Note: By people, does she mean bisexual circus clowns?) knocking on my door at 3 and 4 in the morning.”
You may remember that the actor was detained in the wee hours of May 2, 1997, after police found a transvestite prostitute in his car. Murphy insisted that he was just giving a lift to Atisone Kenneth Seiuli (aka Shalomar). “It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out,” Murphy said at the time.
Talking with Murphy about his “lifestyle” became “a trippy discussion, which ended up where we both refused to budge,” says Brown.She claims that, even though she was pregnant with his child, he didn’t have the decency to tell her their relationship was over.
“I went to London, and on my return flight I learned that he made that announcement about wanting a DNA test on that TV show. Then I saw him on the red carpet with Tracey Edmonds, and that’s when I knew we were over.”
Brown says that, shortly afterward, “I called him … [He said], ‘I’ll call you back’ – and he never did.”
“This was a completely planned pregnancy,” says Brown. “I called his
assistant to let her know I was going into labor. … And still nothing; not even a hello to the baby, not even a [diaper] or flowers.”
This is very, very troubling — we love Eddie Murphy… But despise bisexual circus clowns… especially ones that are bad fathers.
But seriously, folks, what sort of lifestyle was he leading? Other than one where he strapped on a jester’s cap, painted his face white, and seduced both men and women — especially ones with clown like hair (Scary Spice)? And, more importantly, how am I ever going to enjoy watching Dreamgirls again? Oh, easily? Thank God for that.
JulyWednesday
SIZZLER: Lohan Actually Latest Victim Of Tiny Coke-Planting Elves That Plague Los Angeles
Lindsay Lohan has finally broken her silence following her DUI du jour, and the ensuing media frenzy. In an exclusive e-mail missive to media outlet of record Access Hollywood, clearly sent to make her side of the story known, Lohan clears up the little bit of nastiness involving the baggie of Class A narcotics police discovered in her pocket. Quoth the Lohan:
“Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.”
OF COURSE the drugs weren’t hers! How could we have missed a reality as obvious as the ever-present problem of magical little elves planting pouches of cocaine in the pockets of innocent startlets who are only trying to engage in drunken high-speed car chases with the uncooperative (sometimes violent) parents of their imprisoned assistants? I mean, DUH – she’s clearly the victim here. Hopefully the courts will recognize this and spare her the impending legal apocalypse some say she might now be facing.
JulyTuesday
SIZZLER: John Mayer Addresses Underage Drinking Issues After 63 Teen Fans Arrested At Concert
After 63 underage people were arrested at a recent John Mayer concert in Hershey, PA for assorted infractions that could only be described as “Lohanesque”, the white chocolate blues guitarist took to his trusty blog to offer some words of wisdom for his wayward young fans (who, in their defense, were only ingesting the necessary amount of pot and booze required to make some white dude d*cking around on his guitar actually sound interesting):
In looking to the future, I hope that this will serve as a wake-up call to young fans who may be thinking about engaging in illegal activity at one of my concerts. If I happen to be walking backstage and I see any of you young men passed out drunk on a stretcher, make no mistake about it, you will come-to in front of your disappointed parents with a face full of Sharpie and the sneaking suspicion that you’ve been teabagged by one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people of 2007.
You hear that, youngsters? Stay off the sauce and the reefer, or you could be the unfortunate victim of having testicles drawn on your face, or worse, put into your mouth, by the most influential prankster frat dude in the world.
