Dear Vanessa Hudgens,
Being that I’m not a pre-pubescent “tween” or the lonely mother of one, I had no idea who you were before yesterday, when I was bombarded with links to pictures of a young girl wearing no clothing who strongly resembled you. I gather that, prior to this little “scandal”, you were known primarily for your part in this whole High School Musical/Zac Efron-omenon thing that’s been going on, but now, upon the confirmation that you were, in fact, the young lady depicted in those nudie pics, I’d like to personally welcome you to the wonderful world of being a Wayward Young Starlet.
First of all, THANK YOU! Your timing could not have been more perfect. While it’s been fun lambasting each and every indignity of the Hilton/Lohan/Spears triumvirate these past few years, I think I speak for everyone when I say the well of “Paris is a slut”/”Lohan is a crackhead”/”Britney is bonkers” jokes has run dry. So we all really appreciate your taking the initiative to step up and provide us with a new source of celebrity misfortune from which we will find immeasurable delight. Because, as if this doesn’t go without saying, you have de-railed from the Squeaky Clean Teen track of Disney Stardom, and you are now cruising your way down the Trainwreck Express, next stop “Playboy”.
So what does this mean for your future? This means that the media will now associate you almost exclusively with sexuality, and your only option is to embrace this newfound notoriety by hitting the town and reinforcing your Bad Girl image every chance you get. Les Deux. Hyde. Koi. Learn the names of these nightclubs, because they will be your new home. Don’t wait for the TMZ cameras to find you – get out there and find them. Stop wearing underwear. When you leave a nightclub, you should never “walk” – you should stumble. Most importantly, you must immediately launch of campaign of casual sex like you’re the last girl left in Hollywood, and it’s your procreative duty to repopulate all of LA. This may not be the career you imagined for yourself, but you’ve got to play the hand you’ve been dealt. Just look at Paris – she may never get any closer to an Oscar than having one used on her as a sex toy by some sleazy producer, but she’s never going to starve (unless it’s self-inflicted). Remember, the important thing is to have fun with this – don’t think of it as a loss of dignity, think of it as a liberating sense of freedom to do whatever you want, no matter how stupid.
I am expecting great things from you, and I think this is be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Best,
Alex Blagg
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