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4 December
Monday

Fake Liveblogging the Jessica Simpson Breakdown!

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JESSDAD.JPGWe weren’t invited to the Kennedy Center Honors that took place in Washington D.C. this weekend, but if we had been, we imagine our liveblogging would have gone something like this:

6:15 PM: Here we are at the Red Carpet Arrivals for the Kennedy Center Honors! This is one of the classiest nights in town, a night full of glitz, glamour, class, and top notch performances. Oh, there’s Jessica Simpson! Wow, she looks fantastic…

6:16: And look! She’s creepily hugging her dad/celebrity manager, Joe Simpson. Looks like that reality show is definitely paying his food bills, no?

6:22: Still hugging her dad… it’s getting weird.

6:26: Aaaaaaaand they’re done.

8:15: The audience begins to applued the next honoree, Dolly Parton. And as a thank you for her many decades of hard work, dedication, success and talent, the announcer welcomes to the stage Jessica Simpson, that blonde girl who thought there were chickens in the ocean.

8:16: Jessica starts singing Nine to Five, Dolly’s hit song. The irony that she hasn’t ever worked a real day job is not lost on us. But, ya know? So far, it’s not really that bad! Feet are tapping all around us.

8:17: Uh oh… she’s flubbing the lines juuuuust a bit.

8:18: OK, she’s… she’s cracking….

(more…)

Posted on December 4th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Boob Tube, Entertainment, Music, News, Sizzler
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1 December
Friday

SIZZLER: How Rude Indeed

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sweetin_tmz_1201_275.jpgOne of our favorite online activities is heading over to TMZ to find out which celebrities were denied entry to the world blog-famous nightclub Hyde the night before. Tara Reid, Tila Tequila, Bobby Brown– they’ve all been shunned by the cool kids who control the velvet rope. Well, last night they added another victim to the list: Stephanie Tanner.

Watch the video here. Poor Steph– as if growing up a middle child in a house full of bad jokes and mullets wasn’t bad enough. Adding insult to injury, later that night Kimmy Gibler and her entourage were ushered right in past the velvet rope. And I don’t even want to get into what Uncle Joey was doing to Aunt Becky in the VIP room while Jessie was out of town with The Rippers. The man had no mercy whatsoever.

Posted on December 1st, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, Sizzler
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30 November
Thursday

SIZZLER: Jennifer Lopez Has Never Raped a Baby!***

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JLO1.JPGWe were a little surprised when we learned that Jennifer Lopez and main squeeze Skeletor attended the TomKat nuptuals in Italy a few weeks ago. (And on what planet in hell did these two celebrity couples meet-and-greet, we ask?) Well, it turns out J-Lo has been getting cozy with the Thetan-free twosome, and has started practicing the tenets of Scientology in order to conceive her first Lil’ Lopez. And guess who’s guiding her? Why, it’s every Scientologist’s best friend and former Saved By the Bell “star” Leah Remini! Leah used Scientology to help her get pregnant, “putting the positive energy where [she] want[ed] it”… like her vagina, apparently.

Luckily, Marc Anthony has bought into another cult, Catholicism (serious JK you guys!!! We live for Catholics!), so it doesn’t look like J-Lo’s going to make the full-on conversion anytime soon… that is, until she finds Jenna Elfman hiding under her bed holding a butcher’s knife with which to cut out Xenu’s unborn fetus body living gestating inside America’s Latina Princess. Dharma’s a bitch.

***If you do not get the title reference, please read this. And, side note, congrats to Leah Remini for using a fake religion to befriend so many Hollywood A-List celebs. You don’t see Kevin James poo-pooing with Clooney anywhere, do you? Do you?!

Posted on November 30th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, Gossip, Sizzler
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30 November
Thursday

SIZZLER: Lindsay L. Has Some Bad News For the Country’s Comedy Writers

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lindsay_lohan_drunk.jpgIt would seem that Lindsay Lohan might be getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. All the partying and cat-fighting and firecrotching has finally taken its toll on the young starlet, and the NY Post is reporting that Lohan has been seen attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings near her apartment in Los Angeles. While we have nothing but the best wishes for her physical and emotional well-being, it is with a small amount of regret that we witness the passing of a very special time in our lives writing about Lindsay. The Hyde freakouts we had together. The tardiness and truancy on movie sets. The “exhaustion” hospital visits. Oh how we shall miss those. And now that she’s given up Brandon Davis in favor of Bill W., what of the pantiless vagina shots? Will those be “drying out” too? I guess the first step is admitting we have a problem – much less ridiculous behavior to admire from afar. We’re clearly going to have to make a fearless and searching moral inventory of other things to write about, and just try to take all these changes one day at a time.

Posted on November 30th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, Gossip, Sizzler
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30 November
Thursday

SIZZLER: Middle School Crush Robbed at Gunpoint!

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ETHANEMBS.JPGEthan Embry, the possibly autistic actor known for such crushable films as Empire Records, Can’t Hardly Wait and Dutch, was robbed at gunpoint on Sunday night. TMZ reports:

TMZ has confirmed the “Can’t Hardly Wait” star told police that two men recognized him from his film and TV roles, and robbed him and wife Sunny Mabrey in their driveway. The thugs allegedly stole Embry’s wallet containing $400, a watch, and threatened Mabrey.

As the men fled in a silver SUV, one eyewitness tells TMZ that Ethan raced into his house, emerged with a handgun and fired three rounds — though it is unclear whether they were in the air or toward the vehicle.

We still can’t decide what’s most shocking: 1. That Ethan Embry owns a handgun; 2. That Ethan Embry knows how to fire a handgun; 3. That Ethan Embry has $400; or 4. That Ethan Embry’s girlfriend was the stewardess in Snakes on a Plane.

Posted on November 30th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, Movies, News, Sizzler
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29 November
Wednesday

SIZZLER: No, Seriously, The Woman Who Broke Up Scarjo!

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JOSHAMBER.JPGJust last week, we reported that a manorexic-lishious Josh Hartnett had been spotted partying it up with a mystery woman while shooting his new vampire flick 30 Days of Night in Australia. Well, today more details are emerging that 1. Josh and girlfriend Scarlett Johansson have broken up; and 2. That mystery woman was actress and co-star Amber Sainsbury. The two were spotted “brunching” two days in a row… “brunching” being a euphemism for post-coital egg-eating.

Here’s what we find a little disturbing: This Amber chick looks like a Prius Hybrid of Scarlett and a really surprised Christina Ricci. And even worse, she’s kind of a borderline C-List actress. <Prepping for hate mail from Wiccan-fans of her show Hex.> The only redeeming quality we could find about the girl is that her first result on Google Image is a picture of her alongside Steve Guttenberg and Rutger Hauer. That’s gotta count for something… right? Sigh.

In the meantime, and more importantly to about half of our readers, Scarlett is now living single. Get your creepy fanboy letters out ASAP, this ain’t gonna last you guys!

Posted on November 29th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, Gossip, Movies, Sizzler
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29 November
Wednesday

SIZZLER: Bush Twins Gone Wild

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It’s been all over the news that the U.S. embassy has asked the Bush twins to leave Argentina. Thanks to this video, we finally know the real reason why.

I’m no conspiracy theorist… but this makes perfect sense! Though I think I’m going to need to see the video. You know. As evidence.

Posted on November 29th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, Parodies, Sizzler, Videos
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28 November
Tuesday

SIZZLER: Tracy Morgan Drinks & Drives Just Like Tracy Jordan!

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30 Rock star Tracy Morgan was arrested Tuesday in New York for driving while intoxicated. BWE.tv has obtained some exclusive footage. If you have children in the room ask them to leave now… it isn’t pretty.

Judging by the Star Wars reference we’re assuming his BAC was a .12. At least.

Posted on November 28th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Boob Tube, Entertainment, News, Sizzler, Videos
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28 November
Tuesday

SIZZLER: Anorexic Finger Pointing Escalates To Poorly Worded, Error-Ridden MySpace Blog

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zoe2_richie_getty_tmz_300.jpgNicole Richie fired her stylist, who fired back claiming that she left voluntarily, which pissed off some publicists, and blah blah blah, Nicole wrote this on her MySpace blog:

BLIND ITEM: What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?

HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…


BLIND ITEM: What 26 year-old blogger doesn’t remotely give a sh*t about some spoiled trainwreck celebutard’s idiotic feud with her drug-addled ex-”stylist”, and feels ashamed for humanity that such inane garbage could possibly be considered “news”?

HINT: He regretfully wrote this post.

Posted on November 28th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Celebrity, Entertainment, Gossip, Sizzler
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27 November
Monday

SIZZLER: It’s Time For Kid To Tell The Kids That Daddy Won’t Be Coming Home Anymore

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pam-and-kid-rock-wedding.jpgKids… we don’t know how to tell you this. Here, just take a seat. Okay. Mommy and daddy are getting… mommy and daddy are getting divorced. Don’t cry. I know we’ve only been married for a couple of months but we just feel like this is for the best. There’s nobody to blame, really. It’s just sometimes grown-ups grow apart, and that’s what happened here. When we met, we had the world at our feet, and we were ready to take on all challenges together. But time changes people. For example, it’s made mommy older and scarier looking by the day, while it’s made daddy realize that drinking, drugging and banging strippers every night is way more fun than being a dad. It’s like the old expression, “Why marry the cow when you can go out and nail a lot of whores for free?” Or something like that. Stop crying. Anyway kids, we’ll still be there for you. If you ever need your mother, just call Aunt Paris or Aunt Britney… I’m sure she’ll be slutting it up all over town with those two. And daddy? Well, you know where to find him. Just make sure you have enough money on you to pay the $20 cover plus one $8 drink. And if any of the kids at school make fun of you because mommy and daddy got married in their bathing suits or because they insisted on getting married multiple times, you just tell them to mind their own business. Because chances are we’ll be back together before you know it. Whoa. Okay, keep crying.

Posted on November 27th, 2006 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment, Sizzler
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