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8 October
Thursday

Kate Hudson Has Playoff Baseball Fever!

Kate Hudson watched her Yankee boyfriend Alex Rodriguez take on the Minnesota Twins last night, and as you can see, she’s REALLY in to this game.

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Here Kate is participating in the age-old tradition “The 7th inning lip gloss application.”

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Of course it was Kate’s blank, lifeless stare that started the Yankees’ rally in the 3rd inning.

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Finally, like any good baseball fan, Kate is more interested in looking at old pictures from the set of You, Me, and Dupree.

[Jay-Z, you should consider finding someone else with playoff tickets.]

28 February
Thursday

WHERE’S SURI? 7 Plausible Theories

SURI WALDO.jpgPick up any gossip rag and one thing is certain: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hitting up all of L.A.’s hotspots, while also remaining very much in love. But you might notice something is different about this Hollywood Power Couple… namely, that their most endearing asset — daughter Suri Cruise — has not been photographed for many, many months.

Now, if this were any other baby, the world would probably not even notice. But this being Suri, handily the world’s most adorable and, up until recently, the most photographed baby, her absence is cause for concern. Which leads us to ask: Where Is Suri? Here are 7 plausible theories:

1. Accidentally mistaking her for a chicken wing, Kirstie Alley threw Suri into a deep fryer. Upon realizing the mistake, Alley immediately removed America’s Best Baby from the fryer, but sadly… it was too late. Too, too late. On the bright side, Alley insists it was the most delicious baby she has ever eaten.

2. Tom and Katie panicked when they learned that Suri’s first words were “I want Ritalin.” She is now resting comfortably in a soundproof, padlocked drawer.

3. Katie Holmes has pawned poor Suri to buy Armani‘s latest creation: A python-skinned covered baby shaped bag. Think of how many diamonds you can fit into it!

4. Suri was murdered by supposed fellow baby friend Shiloh Pitt… who is now on the crawl from the law.

5. Giving free stress tests in Times Square.

6. Finding the real murderer.

7. Scoffing at O.J. jokes that were unfunny even 12 years ago. Then, kicking back on her alien space ship roughly 4 meganons away and just takin’ a breather.

Leave your best theories in the comments.

Update: I just realized it’s also possible she’s back with her blue-eyed biological Asian parents, where she belongs.

6 February
Wednesday

ICYMI: Heidi Montag Comments On Your Comments About Her Music Video Monstrosity

heidispencerviddefense.JPGAfter debuting the music video for her song “Higher”, and revealing her pseudo-boyfriend-manager Spencer Pratt to be the medium’s greatest directorial visionary since Spike Jonze, The Hills‘ startard Heidi Montag was shocked and horrified to find meanies leaving nasty comments about her art on the Internets. So she went the arbiter of online decency, Perez Hilton, and posted a video in which SHE has the last word on the matter:

“I appreciate people taking time to write any kind of comment. Do you know how much effort it really takes to sit down and write a comment? I’ve never written a comment in my entire life… you really have to have a lot of passion and thought to write any comment, so thank you.”

There’s seriously nothing funnier in the world than stupid people trying to be sarcastic. But she does have a point – leaving a mean comment on the Internet requires about a millionth of the talent and specialness it takes to roll around on a beach in a bikini while lip-synching, or post a video on a sh*tty gossip site whining about how hard that was. Show some respect, people.

11 January
Friday

Did Britney Bite Her Child?? Probably Not, But Let’s Talk About It Anyway

Britney preparing to bite Jayden JamesAnother handy lesson in how to take a complete non-story and turn it into a sizzlin’ gossip exclusive comes to us from Us Weekly:

EXCLUSIVE: Usmagazine.com has learned that when police arrived at Britney Spears’ Beverly Hills home on Jan. 3 to investigate her custody dispute with Kevin Federline they discovered that her youngest son, Jayden James, had at least one bite and several bruises on his body…

[Three paragraphs later]

After observing the bite mark and bruises on the child, police were then told by Federline’s bodyguard, who had been at the home to pick up the kids, that the injuries were on Jayden before the child had even arrived at Spears’ home earlier in the day, and that his older brother, Sean Preston, had actually bit him.

Four paragraphs into the article, we’ll mention an extremely likely scenario for how the child got bitten that the bodyguard of her custody opponent confirms, but we still simply cannot rule out the possibility that Britney bit her child, perhaps mistaking him for a toddler-shaped Good Humor bar (she also usually punches Good Humor bars first to bruise them up). It is also possible that Britney crafted some sort of metal jaw on a stick and used it to ‘bite’ the child from across the room when he misbehaved — at this point, we simply do not know, so we can’t just rely on made-up explanations.

Also, Sean Preston appeared to have a bit of a cough, which the bodyguard claims was just a cold he’d had for a couple days, but we cannot rule out the possibility that Britney was growing flu germs in a petri dish and injected him in the tongue when he came to her house. We are objective journalists, and simply do not know all the facts at this time.

18 December
Tuesday

SIZZLER: J. Lo Incredibly Displeased By Discovery That Weight Gain Is Inescapable Part of Pregnancy

071217-jlo-vmed-4p.widec.jpgNow that Jennifer Lopez has finally surpassed the denial phase of her pregnancy and publicly admitted (4 months later) that she is, indeed, with child, she’s facing a whole new preggers problem: the realization that a human fetus growing inside of her for nine months means that her weight is going to increase. And it sounds like she’s not taking it well:

“She is huge and freaking out. Her face has become really puffy from retaining a lot of water,” a source told international press.

The weight gain is enough to prompt Lopez to put her career on hold until her little one makes an appearance.

After several desperate calls to agent and publicist to say she’s changed her mind, wants to pull out of this whole pregnancy project, and demanding that “someone get this thing out of her immediately”, it sounds like someone’s finally explained to her that it’s too late for that, meaning her only option is hide like the freak she is until her shameful maternal figure has returned to its normal svelte, tanned, toned and waxed form.

6 December
Thursday

SIZZLER: Spencer and Heidi Officially Trotting Out Their Scripted Dramatardation For 4th Hills Season

HeidiSpencer_325.jpgRejoice, fans of watching uninteresting trust fundertards wandering around LA and having sex with (and being horrible to, often at the same time) each other, for InTouch Weekly is reporting that the entire cast of The Hillls will officially be back for a fourth season of faux-reality melodrama. That means a whole new season of Spencer & Heidi’s twisted “I Love Lucy for the 21st century, and on drugs” schtick, more fascinating hours of Bro-dog Jenner seducing Hollywood’s hordes of bimbo reality-starf*ckers and calling people “brah”, and all your other favorite fame-junkies bringing their unique brand of terribleness to 10 brand spanking new episodes of LA-based idiot-babble!

In Touch can exclusively reveal that Lauren Conrad and crew will be back for a fourth round! Will this be the season that Lauren and her former BFF Heidi Montag finally extinguish their feud or will Heidi actually become Mrs. Spencer Pratt? Maybe we’ll get to meet a whole new cast of characters. “I have some friends on [the show], some friends off,” Lauren tells In Touch. Whatever happens, one thing is certain, The Hills will be alive with the sound of drama once again!

“The sound of drama” is music to my ears. Unfathomably bad music, played really loud. But it certainly sounds like they’ve already got lots of surprises in store for next season, and I’m sure they’ll come up with even more once their writers finally stop striking.

19 November
Monday

SIZZLER: Perez Hilton And Avril Lavigne Join Forces For Worst Thing On The Internet Ever

avrilcap.jpgAs if the very existence of both Perez Hilton and Avril Lavigne wasn’t bad enough for the rest of civilization at large, now the webortion known as PerezLavigne is also in the world, blighting our consciousness. On the surface, this appears to be some sort of comical ploy on the part of uber-punk-and-edgy mall rocker Avril to exact some kind of idiotic web-based revenge against the gossip blogger for writing bad things about her. But knowing these two, this could just be some kind of douche-chilling collaboration to earn each of them some more ill-gotten attention. Anyway, Avril’s “plan” for accomplishing this revenge task seems to be getting a whole bunch of people to sign a pointless petition whose message amounts to “I don’t like Perez Hilton” (and she’s claiming to have already gotten over 50,000 supporters, including 13 celebrities such as Britney Spears, Nicholas Cage and Christian Bale!?!). This is all too unfathomably dumb for me to consider too much further, so here’s the story according to the site:

Dear User,

I am Avril Lavigne and this is my personal message to get back at the scumbag above! Maybe you have already heard that Perez Hilton wrote bad things about me on his online Blog.

I mean, he thinks in his own little world that he is the best and he makes everybody look silly on his Blog. But in reality he is the biggest stupid person I’ve ever seen! His insults have really hurt me so please help me to kick Perez in the ass with this website now! If you want this to happen this is the place to make it happen!

Such an eloquent, moving battle cry! She’s like the General George S. Patton of utterly pointless tabloid battles! So pick your poison, and if you’re so moved to participate in meaningless web polling, let your disapproval of Perez be known so Avril can “kick him in the ass” with her Internets Blogsite. Or do nothing and continue to quietly resent the both of them equally. Either way. Doesn’t matter. Your call.

15 November
Thursday

SIZZLER: Despite What We Told You, LC Swears The Hills Is Really Real. Seriously, You Guys!

lauren_blog_hillsfakejpg.jpgRemember last month when my high school buddy Gavin Beasley spilled the beans on his experience playing the role of “guy who takes Lauren Conrad on a date and thus forces her to confront her latent feelings about Brody Jenner” on The Hills, sharing with us a few anecdotes that seemed to strongly suggest that show isn’t the objective portrayal of filmed reality that MTV wants us to think it is? Apparently these allegations blew the minds of too many impressionable American TV watchers who were suddenly forced to confront the shocking and terrifying possibility that their beloved weekly update on the lives of spoiled LA rich kids wasn’t the pure, untampered-with television verité they’d been led to believe, because LC is now addressing these rumors head-on, releasing a statement in which she promises (cross her heart) that The Hills is a 100% real depiction of the really dumb lives of her and her friends.

“There have been some rumors in the press about The Hills being fake. Many of you have been asking me if the rumors are true. There are false rumors every week about me and I can’t address every rumor out there, but I feel like this was important for me to respond to. The show is not fake and this is really my life.”

And there you have it people, from the horse’s mouth: The Hills is not fake, and that is really what Lauren’s life looks like. Too bad she doesn’t realize that’s a way sadder reality than if the show were scripted.

13 November
Tuesday

SIZZLER: Paris Hilton Finally Finds A Cause Worthy Of Her Time And Lack Of Talents

Dumboposter2.jpgEver since her release from prison, Paris Hilton has been scouring ever Celebrity Charity boutique store in Beverly Hills, trying to find the perfect philanthropic cause she can pretend to care about that also matches her shoes. After trying on children in Rwanda (so five minutes ago) and whatever’s going on in Darfur (ugh, as if), Paris has finally found a cause that fits her: the plight of drunken elephants in India.

Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton’s was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers’ homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network’s Web site.

As a close personal friend of Brandon Davis, Paris has the kind of firsthand experience with drunken elephants that will be necessary to get this epidemic under wraps before the Taj Mahal becomes a vomit-covered wasteland worse than the outside of Hyde Nightclub. Besides, once TMZ cameramen are roaming around Mumbai looking to film some hot drunken elephant crotch, the world will finally be made aware of the kind of horrors the Indian people have been suffering long before the arrival of St. Paris the Sober.

8 November
Thursday

SIZZLER: Ed Asner is Single and Looking, Ladies!

ED ASNER WIFE.JPGLadies! Who’s single, burly, and ready to wine and dine you for at least the next 8, maybe 10 years? Why, Ed Asner of course! Yes, folks, The Azz is back on the markskies after 9 years of marriage toEd Cindy Gilmore Asner, a woman we are forced to respect as she produced one of the greatest masterpieces of the 20th Century, Sister Act… even though she sort of looks like a cross between Sandra Bernhardt and Eric Roberts. And what kind of woman would toss Lou Grant to the curb? A blind, deaf woman with an artificial heart, that’s who.

We know what you’re thinking: “What has The Azz been up to these days?” Good question, America. When he’s not polishing his 7 Emmys, redipping his 5 Golden Globes, or arguing with his now ex-wife, Eddie’s been keeping busy, co-starring in a number of feature films, including the upcoming movie called Working Title, where Azzy plays second fiddle to — wait for it — David Faustino. He’s also been busy gearing up for the holiday season, being mistaken for Santa Claus at no less than 3 local Los Angeles malls.

But Azzy ain’t too busy for you, baby! So keep your eyes peeled at your local massage parlors and casting offices, and if you see Ed, don’t hesitate to throw a sultry “Hello” his way and see if the ol’ bag bites. If you, however, see the man wandering around your local news studio aimlessly while shuffling papers and muttering under his breath… call security.