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12 March
Monday

The Walking Dead Recap: The Shane-ing

It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 12 entitled “Better Angels” – I apologize for my lack of Recap last week, but I was sick all week with a crazy inner-ear infection (here’s Dennis Hopper’s medication to prove it). I enjoyed the ‘cold logic’ vs. ‘symbolic humanity’ debate, but two parts really bothered me in last week’s episode (and not just cause I was high on meds and kept having nightmares about murders on my block):

1) How did Dale not see that walker?? He approaches a cow with its stomach torn open laying in the middle of a field, with his gun drawn because everyone is constantly on the lookout for zombies, and manages to get attacked from behind by a walker while the camera’s on him in a tight “Horror Movie 101″ shot. Also, did the walker tear the cow’s stomach open, start eating it, then walk away and hang out kind of nearby so it could get the drop on Dale? And we’ve established that the walkers possess regular human strength minus the decay of their bones and cartilage (hence the well fall-apart guy), but one manages to tear Dale’s stomach open with its bare hands while he’s struggling? I call walking BS on that entire scene.

2) Also, how frickin’ unsupervised is Carl?? He wanders into the prisoner’s barn alone, then wanders off and almost gets killed by a walker in the mud, then later wanders into the prisoner’s barn again just as Rick is about to execute Randall. He wouldn’t be that unsupervised in a world that DOESN’T HAVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE OCCURRING, let alone one where THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS SUPER OCCURRING.

Anyway, onto this week’s episode! And if you liked Regular Crazy Shane, you’ll love the intensely-90s commercial for Shane – Nacho Crazier flavor:

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1 March
Thursday

Top Chef Texas Finale Recap: Fiiiiiiiiiinally…

It’s the Top Chef Texas Finale, entitled “Finale,” because it is actually, seriously the very last episode of Top Chef Season 9 – no more snowy nonsense, no more Last Chance Redemption Island Of Temptation The Benefactor All-Stars, it’s just Sarah Grueneberg and Paul Qui competing to see who is the better chef: Paul, or Paul and also Bravo made a giant mistake.

Sarah kicks things off by declaring “This is the goal I’ve had this entire competition.” She is LOCKED IN. That is also the goal of literally everyone who has ever gone on Top Chef or any competition show. No one’s ever been like, “My goal is to make some friends, cook other peoples’ food, then get eliminated in Week 3 cooking a risotto that represents Daniel Boone’s courage then release a sex tape.”

Tom explains that for the final challenge, each chef will design a four-course tasting menu at their own Vancouver restaurant and serve it to 100 people with the aid of some past concheftants. Awesome! No fuss, no extraneous time-wasting hoops to jump through, just the two final competitors and an extra Quickfire to determine who their final helper chefs are. And to sweeten the pot, making a cameooh-god-is-she-awful appearance is none other than Heather ‘Fan Fave’ Terhune:

Before we go Reelin’ In The Chef Years with a no-stakes competition between loser chefs we don’t care about, Bravo gives us a highlight reel of the Top Chef Texas season thusfar:

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27 February
Monday

The Walking Dead Recap: 18 Miles Out And Pregnant

It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, episode 10 entitled “18 Miles Out”, and what better way to escape from The Oscars’ awkward, inorganically-delivered dialogue and big meaningless speeches than by watching another episode of The Walking Dead!

Kidding, kidding, at least this episode had way more zombie face-stabs than The Oscars telecast. At least I think it did, I blacked out early in the third hour and might’ve missed Oscar’s tribute to zombie face-stabs (a series of random celebs talking about the magic of zombie face-stabs intercut with the “I’ll have what she’s having clip” seven times).

After a cold-open showing us a glimpse into the future of Rick, Shane and newly-rescued Randall frantically fending off walkers, we open on Rick, Shane and the newly-rescued Randall traveling “18 Miles Out” from the farm to release him, but probably eventually having to frantically fend off walkers. To disguise the location of the farm, Randall has a mask over his face and headphones blaring music:

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23 February
Thursday

Top Chef Finale Recap: St. Paulmo’s Fire

It’s the Top Chef Season 9 Finale Part 2, entitled “Fire And Ice,” a devious move by Bravo to trick people into thinking Game Of Thrones is back on their viewing guide and accidentally recording it.

Obviously, there can only be one guest judge for the “Fire And Ice” challenge:

Just kidding! Prince Joffrey declined because he thought Sarah was acting too much like a spoiled child. The actual guest judge is this old flame:

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20 February
Monday

The Walking Dead Recap: Trigger Unhappy :(

It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 9 entitled “Triggerfinger,” a double-meaning on Rick & Company literally having their fingers on their gun-triggers, and the current, tightly-wound, “Who’ll shoot first?” mental showdown between Rick and Shane as their various group allegiances threaten to turn inward. Or it’s the name of Sammy Hagar’s next supergroup, we’re not sure. Either way, we WILL see some human faces falling off sooner than later.

The episode opens with Lori unconscious in her upside-down car while a walker ominously paws at her windshield, not unlike a zombie puppy begging for a refill of its water bowl. (Blood bowl? Nah zombie puppies probably drink water, then just eat like flesh milk bones or whatever). This is a very cool scene, though clearly, the writers just really wanted to have Lori fend off walkers in an upside-down car but couldn’t think of an actual reason for this scenario to happen.

Rick, Hershel and Glenn, meanwhile, are still holed up in the local bar after murdering Philly Dave and the Peeman (also a popular morning radio show), and they hear the voices of people who’ve come to look for their disappeared companions. After a tense, silent standoff, Rick decides he’s had enough death for one day and tries to reason with them very verbosely:

Looks like everything’s gonna be alllllllll ri- NOPE everyone’s shooting at everyone!

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16 February
Thursday

Top Chef Finale Recap: The Stupid Olympics

It’s Part One of the Top Chef Season 9 Texascouver Finale, entitled Culinary Olympics, and let me just begin by saying, many people have incessantly complained about this season (most notably my mothers’ texts at 11:01 every Wednesday), saying that it’s the worst Top Chef season yet. I haven’t totally agreed, as I believe peoples’ reservations are more a factor of just Top Chef fatigue in the show’s 9th season mixed with a largely uninspiring cast (with one head-and-shoulders favorite who should’ve been named the winner six weeks ago). The challenges, on the contrary, have actually been very good this season, as they’ve mostly bypassed gimmicky themes (Bi-Parti-Sandwich, or “Cook something a penguin would eat!” “I think a penguin would love this braised shortrib”) and arbitrarily-restricting challenges in favor of challenges that showcase the chefs’ actual ability and give them more creative freedom (the “Pee Wee bikes” was a rare gimmicky exception, but at least it wasn’t the Finale).

Last night’s episode, however, was the complete opposite. It was the most gimmicky challenge imaginable, running the chefs through numerous obstacles that 1) Had nothing to do with actual cheffing, 2) Were not the least bit interesting to watch, and 3) Had NO BEARING on the dishes they ended up presenting. It was, in a sense, a betrayal of this season’s most redeeming aspect: Letting the cooks just cook and not having them lose because their sweet pea risotto wasn’t an accurate thematic encapsulation of what The Luxor Hotel is all about.

Anyway, with all that being said, let’s DO SOME RECAPPING! Here are some dumb photos and words:

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13 February
Monday

The Walking Dead Midseason Premiere Recap: Take That, Nebraska

It’s The Walking Dead Midseason Premiere!!! Y…ay? Are we excited? Better kill some zombies quick before we start remembering how much time we all wasted searching for Sophia

Yayy, killing zombies!!! What were we talking about? Ahh yes – SPOILER ALERT – Hershel’s entire undead family was just slaughtered before his eyes by Shane and Co., capped off with an encore performance of Rick shooting walker-Sophia in the head and a rousing double-encore of “Born To Run” (I didn’t think he’d play it!!!!)

Following this grisly incident, Rick declares that they’re gonna have a funeral for Hershel’s loved ones and for Sophia, partly to continue pretending that they retain some semblance of a still-organized human society, and partly because Shane just really misses those rolled-up cold cuts at funeral spreads:

Everyone starts fighting again, and Rick & Shane punch the 12th spot on their “Frequent Fighterz” card and earn themselves a free fight:

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9 February
Thursday

Top Chef Recap: Mentors! The Freshmaker

It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 14 entitled “Mentors”, and it’s the final episode before the Finale, which is between 2 and 7 episodes long, we’re never quite sure. We ARE sure of two things that will happen in the Finale:

1) Padma will say “Here’s some helping hands that you mayyyyy recognizeeeee…” and the Last 4 Eliminated Chefs will re-enter followed by a fake-tearful reunion, and…

2) Paul wins. Seriously, this season should be called Top Bloodbath, if that name weren’t already taken by a TLC reality show about a blood bank owned by a crazy family (Grandma Edna the after-donation cookie-baker is my favvvv!!!)

Before the Quickfire, Bravo finally reveals the winner of Last Chance Kitchen – will it be Beverly, or will it be Grayson’s Dateline Re-Enactment actress:

We know it’s going to be Beverly because she shouldn’t have lost in the first place and we know Bravo isn’t gonna introduce this whole big new side-feature just to have Grayson come back one week later and render last week’s episode obsolete. OR WILL TH-nah, they won’t.

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2 February
Thursday

Top Chef Recap: I’m A Loner, Padma, A Rebel

It’s Top Chef Texas episode 13 entitled Bike, Borrow & Steal, meaning the chefs will have to bike around San Antonio, borrow kitchens from local restaurants, and apparently steal sh*t? “I’m not here to steal pens,” they all keep telling the camera, then Beverly cries somewhere.

For the Quickfire, the chefs walk in to see a giant table full of pancakes that end up not getting used in any way so f*ck you, 19th century street urchins:

Remember last week when the chefs did a benefit for the Healthy Choice ‘End Childhood Hunger’ campaign? A decent start would’ve been giving those 4,000 pancakes to some kids.

Oop, no time for talky talk because Pee-Wee Herman is here!

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26 January
Thursday

Top Chef Texas Recap: Attack The Block Party

It’s Top Chef Texas episode 12 entitled “Block Party”, and to be perfectly up front, this recap is gonna be all downhill after that opening cat photo, as will the entire rest of my writing career and possibly life. But we’re in this season TOGETHER, dammit, so I’ll type some nonsense words about that episode we just saw and you can follow along and keep scrolling back up to that cat pic when you get bored. Deal?

BREAKING NEWS: Paul has just been named the winner of this Top Chef season via Mercy Rule. Congrats, Paul! Top Chef will be moving on to the next season starting next week. Seems only fair.

Wait, actually I’ve been misinformed. What I actually heard was, Ron Paul has been named the winner of this Top Chef season via Mercy Rule. Actually no, this source might be unreliable. I’ve actually just been checking a Slovakian NHL Trade Rumors website, and I can’t read any of this. It might not be about Top Chef at all – I’ll hit Google Translate and get back to you.

In the meantime, only 6 chefs left, so ONWARD TO THE QUICKFIRE:

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