I’m not being blogger-facetious when I say I am literally more interested to watch this entire movie than to see Spider-Man again. What if we replaced J. Jonah Jameson with Ron Swanson and Mary Jane with Leslie Knope and also it wasn’t Spider-Man at all but a Parks & Rec movie? It can still be 3-D, just make that happen:

Since that’s cleared up, let’s play a game: What would the movie Home Alone look like if it were starring Current-Face Macaulay Culkin? It might go uhhhhhlitttle something…like this:

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That was a good use of everyone’s time. Enjoy the rest of your life post-this!

To everyone who’s ever been frustrated when your work email forces you to change your password every couple months, listen up, because this story is effing hilarious:

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has been under fire from world leaders to step down this week. He’s also under fire from hacktivist group Anonymous, who leaked hundreds of his office’s emails on Monday.

While Anonymous is infamous for its hacking know-how, it doesn’t take a genius computer programmer to guess one of the passwords commonly used by Assad’s office accounts: 12345. The string of consecutive numbers is the second-weakest password according to a 2011 study.

That’s right – the Syrian President’s office literally used “1-2-3-4-5″, the very same password infamously used by both King Roland and President Skroob in the movie Spaceballs as an example of a terrible password a quarter-century ago.

Below, watch the Spaceballs “combination” scene, which seemed like an exaggeration of presidential stupidity at the time:

Guess it’s too late for al-Assad to update that sucker to PASSWORD?

(Thanks, Abby!)

Attention gotten! I can’t read the Hebrew part, but I’m pretty sure this is designed teach you English. Or it might be a meetup to casually discuss the differences between Israeli and American McDonald’s, I can’t really tell. You know in Israel, they call it a “Royale With No Cheese”.

The NSFW version is after the jump if you need it, motherf- sorry, sorry:

(via This Facebook Page, obviously)

Behold, Gotham’s morally ambiguous starchy protector, The Dark Knight Spud:

Intimidating! The Potato-Head-ified Dark Knight is currently selling for $17.99 online, which is a steal for something that so perfectly captures everything about the Christopher Nolan / Christian Bale Batman, right down to that cartoony diagonal smile that Batman is literally making nonstop throughout both films.

Now we just need to slip Potato Head into The Dark Knight Rises and we’ve got a crossover hit:

(Bleeding Cool, via The Daily What)

Unfortunately, George Lucas went back and replaced all the cans with RC Cola, but it was cool while it lasted.

(albotas, via /Film)

Behold, The Top 2 Groundhog-Day-Related Movies In Cinematic History:

2. Groundhog Day

This Bill Murray / Andie MacDowell classic functions expertly as an enjoyable, watchable comedy and as an insightful philosophical exploration of fate, love, inevitability, and self-betterment. It is, in our personal estimation, unquestionably one of the greatest films ever made about the holiday Groundhog Day.

And the #1 Groundhog Day-related movie of all time is……….

1. The Godfather

A gripping tale of family, loyalty, idealism and corruption, The Godfather truly is one of the greatest films of all time, and I think part of it might take place in or around February, I can’t really remember. But it counts, right? Just look at that poster. BOOM! WE HAVE A LIST.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this expedition through cinematic history. Don’t forget to argue about our selections in the comments and to share this valuable list on Facebook and Twitter while Groundhog Day is still trending!

There might’ve been a time on the internet where I would’ve typed that sentence then been like, “Wow, that is a really specific focus for a supercut,” but those days are long behind me, as my reaction instead was, “Sounds about right. Is it short? NICE. Good work, fellas!” [Bunch of dirty guys in construction hats give me a thumbs up]

Prepare to react to this way too dryly:

(via Film Drunk)

Just got a melodica. Here’s my rendition of the Jurassic Park theme song. What do you think?

If you watch this and don’t laugh, that’s fine, I just don’t think we’d get along very well:

Perfect. Between this and the 90s Dance Music Megamix, it’s been quite a 2012 for the ol’ melodica. I will reverse this statement tomorrow when someone emails me “Sh*t Melodicas Say”.

(thanks, @lindseyweber!)

We’ve all ripped on Hollywood in the past and present and earlier today for running out of ideas and strip-mining every remotely recognizable thing that’s ever existed in the hopes of squeezing out something resembling a movie (see: Battleship The Board Game: The Movie), but this chunk of news (via /Film) about the conceived Stretch Armstrong movie – a film literally based on a rubbery toy man that no kid even liked – will cause even the most jaded eyes to roll:

Yet another Hasbro-based movie has bitten the dust at Universal. But this one, unlike Clue, Ouija, Monopoly and Magic The Gathering, immediately found a new home. Stretch Armstrong, which was originally set up to star Twilight-phenom Taylor Lautner and be directed by Rob Letterman (Gulliver’s Travels), has been dropped by Universal and picked up by their most-of-the-time partner in crime, Relativity Media.

Not only was a Stretch Armstrong movie in the works (starring Taylor Lautner of course, just to make it seem even more like an SNL Digital Short), but also, when one studio ended up scrapping the idea, another studio RUSHED TO PICK IT UP. “Dude, you’d be an IDIOT to let that movie about the stretchy rubbery toy man from 18-year-old commercials during Wild & Crazy Kids go to waste – at LEAST let us take a crack at it! That reminds me, can we also take a crack at that Wild & Crazy Kids movie? Omar Gooding is already attached.”

Also, the most ridiculous part of this sentence is the fact that it is more ridiculous than the previous sentence which mentions a movie based on a Ouija Board. I know we say this almost daily RE: Hollywood news, but what is anything anymore? At least our old pal Screenwriting Grad Student In The Inside The Actor’s Studio Audience is taking the news well.

I was kind of hoping they’d accidentally drive a Honda through Cameron’s dad’s window and off a cliff, but I guess a two-and-a-half minute Super Bowl spot might’ve already dried up a tad of their budget. We’ll take it:

(P.S. – The “Ohhhh Yeahhhh” song people just got a huge royalty check in mail out of nowhere. They opened it and were like, “Ohhhh Yeahhhh!”)

Just a friendly internetty public service announcement: The Tim & Eric full-length feature film, Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, is available for download and also On Demand starting today. I haven’t watched it yet, as I am currently at my job where I inform people of such things, but you should probably go download it. I guarantee it will be hilarious, offputting, and amusingly tedious all at once! Like War Horse.

That is, unless Tim & Eric took the most avant-garde approach of all and just released a completely normal, straightforward, serious film out of nowhere. But probably not!

To help get you in the mood, here’s my favorite clip from the similarly awesome-and-tedious Tim & Eric Chrimbus Special, the revolutionary new Cinco Pasta Bear:

My controversial theory is: We all like the movie Jaws, so anything that’s like “hey here’s some Jaws!” makes us happy. Also it’s 1 minute long and features Men At Work, so there you go, Internet Hat Trick:

(via /Film)

Does he even still celebrate and/or notice when he gets nominated for an Oscar anymore? Either way, we’ll celebrate for him:

Way to go John Williams!!!!! I mean, forty-five Oscar nominations and five wins including the unforgettable Star Wars, Jaws, and ET soundtracks is moderately impressive, but forty-SEVEN Oscar nominations? That’s just ridiculous.

I’ll say it – this man has a true talent for composing movie scores. Keep an eye on him.

That being said, the following video of the Ace Ventura “Ray Finkle’s house” scene re-cut in honor of Billy Cundiff is extremely well-done and entertaining. Sorry Baltimore fans! Hopefully your football disappointment is bandaged somewhat by your appreciation for proper internet-remix acumen (I know mine completely isn’t!):

(via The High Definite)

Aspiring movie stars take note – this is how you get people PSYCHED FOR YOUR MOVIE:

STILL NOT CONVINCED? Then check out Nic Cage slightly clapping:

And one more, to really get people riled up to see this film:

Perfect. You know, you’d think that Nic Cage would be phoning in his public appearances for his triannual obviously-terrible movies that he’s clearly doing to ward off his well-documented tax problems, but as these photos prove, that couldn’t be further from the case. This is a man who believes in his craft, and he’s not afraid to wear that emotion on his sleeve (even if that sleeve happens to be well out of frame at all times).

I’m so pumped up, I’m already ready for Ghost Rider 3: Flamepoopin’.

(pics via Splash News)

We all knew this story would show up online eventually (no thanks to #SOPA!), but of course, some moviegoers have complained to the theater for their money back after learning that Oscar-favorite The Artist didn’t have any dialogue. One such story from Liverpool:

Film-fan Nicola Shearer, 25, attended a screening at Odeon Liverpool One after a wave of complaints. She was asked by cinema staff if she knew “it is a silent film”.

“She then told me some people complained and asked for refunds because there is no sound and the screen is smaller…”

The spokesman said: “Odeon Liverpool One can confirm it has issued a small number of refunds to guests who were unaware that The Artist was a silent film.

“The cinema is happy to offer guests a refund on their film choice is they raise concern with a member of staff within 10 minutes of the film starting.”

Ahhh, it has to be within 10 minutes, that makes sense. No wonder the theater didn’t reimburse my Transformers 2 money after I complained that I didn’t know it was one of those films with no dogs not-humping Megan Fox’s leg then later a tiny robot not also humping Megan Fox’s leg. (Did the robot have a tiny robo-penis and sexual desire towards human females? The usher couldn’t explain this to me nor give me a refund. Last time I ever see a movie, let me tell you.)

And don’t get me STARTED on that time I went to see Mel Brooks’ Silent Movie…

(via Film Drunk)

After yesterday’s tribute to Martin Luther The King, I kiiiind of want to do a Coming To America themed tribute every day – I don’t think we’d ever get tired of it. Anyone know if Kunta Kinte’s birthday is tomorrow?

(Language is NSFW):

Unfortunately, the clip cuts off before the conclusory “F you, F you, and F you – who’s next?”, but we can all just pretend we heard it, as a birthday gift to Mr. Ali.

In place of this omission, please accept this 1977 photo of Muhammad Ali in a boxing ring with Sonny & Cher:

Never forget…(this movie or MLK…)

(Thanks for the link, Norman!)

Anyone can strap on some balls and jump around like a monkey, but it takes TRUE PROFESSIONALS to convincingly play lamps, bowties and guns. I agree with Andy Serkis – these guys deserve some serious Oscar consideration:

Let’s excitedly read into some new photos!!!

1. Bane

Bane’s arms are crossed and he’s looking downwards! This can only mean one thing: There’s a scene in Dark Knight Rises where Bane goes on a speedslide. OH MAN, maybe he blows up a water park? How do you blow up a water park if there’s water everywhere, wouldn’t that put the fires out immediately? WAIT NO, what if Bane brings Napoleon back from the past and takes over Waterloo, the water park from Bill & Ted’s, by using Napoleon as an inside man? Then Bane gets an A+ on his history report and Batman can’t do NUTHIN ABOUT IT. Then he flees Gotham in shame.

I can’t WAIT to see this new Batman now!

2. Batman

Here’s Batman holding what I can only assume is an external hard drive. Is it a BAT external hard drive? This is not clear. But what we DO know for sure is that Batman does a lot of video editing in this next installment. BUT WHOSE VIDEO DOES HE EDIT? His own stuff? Does he pick up some freelance graphics work in the down time after taking the fall for Harvey Dent and fleeing Gotham? Maybe he’s just giving his music collection to Gordon? WHAT MUSIC DOES BATMAN LISTEN TO??? Probably not the Prince “Batman” soundtrack from 1989. He’s probably so sick of girls putting those songs on mixes for him. Maybe in the final scene, Catwoman makes a mix for him that has “Batdance” on it and he’s like “NNOOOOOO” and disintegrates that’s how the series ends?

How about a SPOILER ALERT before showing us the most important still in the entire movie, Entertainment Weekly??

3. Bane Again

Here’s Bane again, now facing away from the camera after going on that speedslide / blowing up that water park. He does not have a shirt on, which indicates that it is probably summer in Gotham. Tom Hardy’s back is super dooper muscular, which also probably indicates that I secretly want to have sex with him. Whoa, that was a twist! Christopher Nolan really does always keep you guessing. I really want to sex this manvie now. I MEAN SEE THIS MOVIE. Kidding that was another twist!

So there you have it. We’ve now basically just watched the entire movie. Who even NEEDS to wait six more months for it to come out? (Was that convincing? It’s not working on myself.)

The video even contains an EXCLUSIVE first look at War Horse’s next film, a prison drama co-starring Michael Cera. I instantly now want to see this fake movie way more than actual War Horse:

Remember, Critics Choice Movie Awards coverage begins on VH1.com tonight at 6 pm Eastern, with our very own Michelle Collins coming to you live from the red carpet, and the show itself airs on VH1 tonight at 8:00!!!

And again, this isn’t just self-promotion – Paul Scheer & Rob Huebel are both super funny hosts and the CCMAs are a VERY COOL THING YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY WATCH. But, uh, so is everything on VH1! Right, bosses? Like Money Hungry, for example.

Cool! If that had been the actual Lion King poster when the movie first came out, there’s no telling how financially successful that movie could’ve been.

So between Lion King 3-D coming out last year, then The Lion King Rises mashup, plus this poster, and Mufasa literally appearing to us in the Northern Lights, what is the world trying to tell us? STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, FACE YOUR FEARS, FULFILL YOUR DESTINY, AND GO KILL JEREMY IRONS LION. Will do!

(via /Film)

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(All pics courtesy DAVE M. BENETT / GETTY IMAGES)

Between this mash-up and Michelle’s Christmas cats video, it’s comforting to see that the internet of 2012 remains the same endless timesucking vortex that we’ve all grown to know and love (to spend time on instead of doing anything of value for anyone ever).

Let the year of Batman commence! And the two-millenia period of The Lion King continue:

(via Mashable)

Instead, let’s all watch this far more entertaining performance of Leonard Nimoy singing “The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins,” a short but stupidly catchy song with very literal lyrics and a trippy late-60s “dancin’ chicks” video. If this doesn’t play over the opening credits of The Hobbit, I’m out of there:

(via @freemaneric)

The heroic, Robin Hood-esque freedom fighter who stuck his middle finger up to society and demanded that WOLVERINE’S CRAPPY PREQUEL MUST BE SEEN ONE MONTH EARLY AND FOR FREE has been sentenced to one year in federal prison (best part of the article in bold):

A New York man who admitted illegally uploading to the Internet a pirated, nearly final “workprint” copy of the movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” was sentenced this afternoon to one year in federal prison.

Gilberto Sanchez, 49, who resides in The Bronx and who used screen names that were variations on “skillz,” was sentenced by United States District Judge Margaret M. Morrow, who described the offense as “extremely serious.” In addition to the prison term, Judge Morrow imposed one year of supervised release and numerous computer restrictions.

Yeesh – sorry, skillz. Clearly Hollywood is making a statement against piracy here, which was expected, but I cannot think of a more needless crime to cost someone a year of their life than making the Wolverine prequel available slightly earlier. I watched that movie on HBO and kind of felt like I was committing a crime by wasting those hours instead of, like, doing laundry. So in a way, we’re ALL criminals. Just like Fiona Apple said in that song maybe!

While I’m definitely going to see The Dark Knight Rises regardless, I have to say, this first official trailer that I just found online is REALLY bizarre. It doesn’t show any of the characters from the previous two films, and doesn’t really give away much plot, other than that most of the film involves a surf contest and that it’s generally pretty groovy. Whatever – I’m sure Christopher Nolan can make it work.

Behold, the first official Dark Knight Rises trailer:

(Fiiiine, if you want to watch the real trailer, you can do that here. Though honestly, if the video above was the actual trailer, would that make you ANY less likely to see this movie on opening night?)

The Kansas City Chiefs improbably beat the Green Bay Packers yesterday to ruin Green Bay’s undefeated season and snap their 19-game winning streak dating back to last season (and including the Super Bowl).

So how did Romeo Crennell – in his first game as Chiefs head coach and with his team coming in as 11-point underdogs – motivate his team to victory? Easy! He quoted the movie Gladiator:

Crennel used The Gladiator [sic] to help get his team ready for this game. He’d seen it last weekend in the hotel, before the Chiefs played the Jets, and he took some Russell Crowe into the Saturday night team meeting with him. “I told the team that, like the gladiator, we were going to play a great team in Green Bay, and no matter what comes out of these gates, we’ve got to stay together,” Crennel said. “We did that. I told them after the game, ‘Everyone expected us to die with honor today. But we’re not ready to die.’ ”

There you have it! The secret to stopping the Packers juggernaut is to catch Gladiator on tv and repeat stuff Russell Crowe says to your players. The Packers’ other opponents this season tried quoting A Beautiful Mind, The Insider, and Virtuosity, but obviously to no avail (“Let’s get some PIZZA and CHICKS!” – Imaginary Paul Bettany)

NFL Coaches, take note: If you really, really need to win a game, remember to watch Gladiator or to make your team listen to Phil Collins in the dark.

(Sent to me by my friend Kevin along with the message “Aren’t they adults?”)

What we were NOT ready for, though, was Rob Lowe starring as Drew Peterson and delivering this unintentionally hilarious titular line:

Ahhh, Robbie. I assumed your career resurgence on Parks And Rec would preclude you from having to do made-for-tv movies, but after seeing this trailer, I realize I was wrong, and couldn’t be more EXCITED. Bitch.

(via Vulture)