Mayercraft Carrier

We’re only a few hours into the Mayercraft Carrier extravaganza, and I’m already realizing what will likely be my biggest problem on this work excurzh: Blogging while simultaneously funneling rum runners into my mouthhole. But I am nothing if not crafty, so here goes:

This cruise is amaymayyy! While we’ve only been on the boat for 7 hours, and sailing for about 2, many fun times have already been had by the Best Week Ever crew. The ship is much much nicer than we had anticipated, albeit in a sort of “Robert Palmer Music Video Circa 1989″ way. No signs of Legionnaires Disease so far, but we still have 3 days to go… so let’s just pretend that’s not even a real disease for now. (Is it even? Oh, right, yes.)

As we were boarding the cruise, we noticed that a lot of people were wearing positively “crazy” t-shirts, including these girls who declared that they would be voting for John Mayer in the 2008 election:

While we can all agree that John Mayer is musically gifted and quite cute, (laughing to myself) I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have what it takes to be president! Though maybe he’s exactly what Hillary needs to appear, as the experts would say, “less monstery”.

We also came across this woman, whose self-made wifebeater gave us plenty of delight:

Spencer of Spencer’s Gifts… hire this woman.

As everyone boarded the ship, my co-workers and I grabbed our first sweet drink (Insulini-tini?) and headed to the top deck to catch the beautiful Miami skyline. We don’t want to rub it in the faces of the 98 percent of you stuck in ice at the moment, but the weather is just delicious. Warm but breezy — so breezy, in fact, that my Mai Tai lost its little UV protective umbrella! And alas, that maraschino cherry would never live to see my world famous stomach lining. Pity.

All aboard time! The ship set sail, and we spent 15 minutes waiving at various Coast Guards along the port, who happily waived back while also kind of pointing their machine guns at our faces. All of a sudden, the piercing screams of 9,000 not-so-young women erupted from the Lido Deck. Funbag Fact: Most of the people on board are women between the ages of 30 to 39. Another fun fact: The remaining people on board are really, really bored husbands.

Sure enough, just as the ship’s horns blared its departure, John Mayer appeared in all his floppy-haired glory, standing on a small stage in the middle of his most adoring, rabid fans.

“Hello!” he yelled to the crowd.

(Pause for 80 minutes of mind-boggling cheering)

“Is this weekend gonna be a kick in the tits or what?”

(Pause for 8 seconds of confusion, then another 20 minutes of cheering)

Mayer went on to ask that his fans (reminder: everyone) shouldn’t ask him for photos, as it takes too long and cuts into his prime cougar-mingling time. So yes, if you were wondering: John Mayer is wandering around the boat sans security, just like any other multi-billionaire acoustic guitar player would do on a cruise named after him. (Please forgive the artist’s rendition of Mayer, seen left. My camera was carelessly left in my cabin. Fear not, however: We’ve got pics of the man on their way, which will be posted tomorrow!)

After John’s brief introductory speech, most of the people on board went back to staring at the gorgeous Miami Beach skyline rolling past the rails. And just as I allowed the decadence of the moment to sink in, just as the wind began whipping my hair into the horizon, just as the sun gently caressed my Elmer’s-inspired visage… a shirtless man with backne for miles rolled up next to me and announced to his friend: “I can’t f**king wait to get druuuuuunk, dude!! Later on, we should throw a cup overboard just to see how far it falls!”

Wish me luck, America.