Anyone who’s ever stood at a Baskin-Robbins counter and agonized over which of their delicious ice cream flavors to select knows exactly what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are feeling right now as they ponder what race of baby they should next adopt to “balance out” their growing family of assorted children. Their current inventory consists of an Ethiopian, a Cambodian, and a Celebritarian – so let’s take a look at some of their future options and see if we can’t help them select the perfect flavor of baby for them to scoop up:
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Gossip
JuneMonday
What Baby Flavor Should Brangelina Try Next?
JuneThursday
SIZZLER: Dane Cook Date Rapes His Fans
TMZ has an interesting story about frat-hero comedian Dane Cook, who solicited his rabidly loyal fanbase (the people arguably responsibly for his meteoric rise to success) to show up and be a part of the finale of his HBO road documentary Tourgasm. The eager fans, thinking they were going to be treated to one of Dane’s classic jumping-around-on-stage-grabbing-his-crotch stand up performances, showed up en masse hours in advance, only to be disappointingly herded around like sheep for background use in a brief segment in which Cook and posse triumphantly arrive by helicopter to do a lame “fake awards acceptance” bit. Dane’s superfans were given a poster of their hero as a token of gratitude, then sent home without more than a glimpse of the man they showed up to see. Dane, who never fails to go out of his way to gratefully gush about his adoring, album-and-ticket-buying fans, blamed the whole thing on HBO before throwing one of his patented “Su-Fi” hand signals, which sent his saddened followers into a convulsions of laughter so strong they completely forgot about the way he used them just to get his Tourgasm.
JuneThursday
ICYMI: Britney Addresses Her Humanity On ‘Today’
As I’m sure you’re all really excited about getting together with friends and loved ones tonight for your big ‘Britney Spears Interview Exclusive with Matt Lauer’ viewing party (don’t forget the Cheetoh’s!), we’ve decided to provide with you with this morning’s Today Show preview of the pop singer’s tearful insights on what it’s like to be “happily” married to K-Fed, incessantly harassed by the paparazzi and unfairly judged by all of humanity. We’ll have BWE coverage of the full interview tomorrow morning!
JuneThursday
ICYMI: Bruce Dines Hard With a Vengeance
This week a celebrity photographer filed a police report against Bruce Willis, alleging that the action star assulted him while walking into a swanky sushi bar, resulting in scratches and a chipped tooth from the camera hitting his face. Take a look at this exclusive video footage (scroll down- Lulop asked us to remove the deep link) of the incident and decide whether Bruce went a little too “Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker” on the guy, or if it’s just another case of pouting paparazzi.
JuneThursday
SIZZLER: Lohan Is Madonna’s Next Apprentice
Now that promising pupil Darth Britney Spears has been vanquished by the Jedi mind tricks of K-Fed, the Sith Lord Madonna has taken on a new apprentice – Darth Lindsay Lohan. MSNBC reports that Lohan’s initial flirtation with Kabbalah has evolved into some heavy petting via regular meetings with the Material Girl, and is now reaching the point of consumation, as the two divas are now discussing collaborating on a duet. So can we look forward to seeing these multi-generational sex symbols engaged in an awkwardly calculated mother-daughter Awards Show lesbian kiss anytime soon? Unfortunately, they just missed the MTV Movie Awards and the Oscars are still months away.
JuneWednesday
SIZZLER: Mandy Breaks Braff’s Heart, Vinnie Chase Style
Word on the street (and by street, I mean PR Newswire) is that Hollywood’s cutest pseudo-hipster couple – Zach Braff and Mandy Moore – have just taken up residence in Splitsville. For Mandy, this is sort of like life imitating art (and by art, I mean her character on Entourage last season brutally dumping young movie star Vincent Chase, sending him into a spiral of misery and shame). But hopefully Braff will handle the heartbreak a little better – after all, he does have an iPod full of life-changing consolation music from The Shins, as well as stacks and stacks of unopened Urban Outfitters Music Sampler CDs from which he was planning on selecting the tracks for his next film’s soundtrack. Keep your chin up, bro.
JuneWednesday
SIZZLER: Brit Making Sacred Pilgrimage to Namibia?
In her eagerly-awaited exclusive interview with Matt Lauer, Britney Spears reportedly reveals that she’s heard stories told of a mythical land in Africa that provides safe haven for paparazzi-plagued celebrities who seek a quiet place in which they may give birth peacefully. Legend has it that this lush desert utopia welcomes the internationally famous with open arms and closed cameras; that cool streams of FIJI water flow throughout the luxurious, security-fortified compounds that are given away freely to superstars seeking shelter from the tabloid storm; that winged unicorns transport weary mothers-to-be around the Eden-like paradise whose trees bear fruit roll-ups (in both grape and strawberry flavors). Britney says she’s planning on delivering her next child in this magical haven, and even goes so far as whisper it’s sacred name: it is called Namibia.
JuneTuesday
SIZZLER: Scientologists Fight Drugs, Clever T-Shirts
In a bold move that would likely have sent Tom Cruise into an apoleptic seizure of furious furniture-bouncing, LA “punk” film director John Roecker wore a T-shirt with Cruise’s face – along with that of fellow Scientologist John Travolta – that read, “Scientology Is Gay, Very Gay”. This ballsy fashion statement did not go unnoticed by the minions of the church, as he was soon accosted by Jenna Elfman and her husband, also Scientologists, who angrily scolded the director and inexplicably demanded to know whether or not he had ever “raped a baby”. I’m not really sure what that particular query had to do with the situation, but the good news is that Roecker escaped the confrontation without harm to anything other than his chances of directing M:I4. And after a few sessions of intense auditing and Thetan-cleansing, the Elfmans were able to safely continue on with their day. So all is well that ends well.
Not sure where you can get the T-shirt.
JuneMonday
SIZZLER: Kate Moss Back to Her Cokey Ways?
Those rapscallions in the British tabloid press are reporting that drug-tormented supermodel Kate Moss was seen blowing chunks in the VIP section of the Isle of Wight music festival. Was this just an isolated incident caused by a few too many Jager shots on an empty stomach, or is Kate two dates with Pete Doherty away from another stint in rehab? Only time – and the tabloids – will tell.
JuneMonday
SIZZLER: Matt Damon Has Non-Messiah Baby
Only a week after the first photos of Brangelina’s Amazing Baby Messiah blew the minds of the entire universe, Matt Damon and his wife quietly put forth their humble offering to the ever-growing nursery of celebrity offspring when their new daughter was born on Sunday. While Damon’s agent is still holding out for a $5 million deal with People Magazine for the exclusive rights to Baby’s First Photospread, pitches have already gone out to a number of tabloids. Perez Hilton has reportedly offered the proud parents a $20 Gift Card to Starbucks, along with a couple list spots at an upcoming Skyy Vodka promo party if they’ll send him a camera pic of the newborn. If Damon was really smart about his next career move, he’d ditch that no-name wife of his and cut a deal to do some serious baby-making with Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson or something. But for now, there can be only one Shiloh.
