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15 March
Tuesday

Gilbert Gottfried Fired From Job As Aflac Duck Voice

You might have known both, one, or niether of the following two things. 1.) Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of the Aflac Duck. 2.) Gilbert Gottfried really likes to Tweet earthquake and tsunami jokes about Japan immediately after Japan suffers from earthquakes and tsunamis. It turns out the second thing made it so the first thing isn’t true anymore.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Aflac Inc. has severed ties with comic Gilbert Gottfried, the longtime voice of the insurer’s duck mascot, after he made a series of crude jokes about the Japan earthquake and tsunami via Twitter.

“Gilbert’s recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac,” Aflac Senior Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer Michael Zuna said in a statement Monday, reports TMZ. “There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times.”


In case you were wondering what the Tweets were, they were all along these lines:


I was going to explain a whole thing here about why Gilbert Gottfriend shouldn’t have been fired, but then this following Gchat conversation happened when another blogger messaged me. This is a verbatim transcript. (Punctuation has been corrected.)


Other Blogger:  So, I wrote a thing about Gottfried getting fired from Aflac for making sh*tty Japan jokes, and my take is yes, he should have shown better judgment and not made those jokes, but Aflac can’t hire an infamously raunchy roast comic and then fire him for being an infamously raunchy roast comic. Does that make sense?

Me:  Uhhhhh, yes. And I was literally writing that same post.
15 March
Tuesday

A Snake Bit A Model’s Fake Breast And Then Died

The Daily News Reported yesterday afternoon that a snake that had bitten Israeli model Orit Fox‘s fake breast has now died of silicon poisoning. (The guy in the picture is a guy, not the snake.)

Orit Fox‘s attempt at seductive posing with a massive boa took a bizarre turn when the snake bit one of the Israeli B-Lister’s surgically enhanced breasts in the middle of a shoot for a Tel Aviv radio station, ABC of Spain reported. All was going well for the silicone-addicted Fox until she tried to ramp up the sex factor by licking the snake. The move proved costly as she loosened her grip on the reptile, which went straight for the model’s left breast implant and latched onto it for several seconds before being pulled off by an assistant. Fox was rushed to a local hospital, where she was given a tetanus shot. According to several media sources, the snake wasn’t so lucky and died of silicone poisoning.

The video below shows the snake biting her. But what we really should get into here is not the micro-issue of a snake biting an implant. We should instead explore the macro-issue that is this question: Why was any of this even happening in the first place?

Who wants a real snake and a plastic looking lady? This is such a lazy approximation of sex appeal it’s astounding. It’s as if aliens put this scene together for us based on one clip from Wayne’s World and a claymation remake of a Baywatch episode. “Am I right, you guys?!” the Aliens would say collectively, seeking approval for their creation. “No. Good God, no,” The people of earth would respond as one.

Go ahead. Watch the snake bite her. It’s the only thing left to do before we all get taken up to the weird alien strip club mother ship.

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14 March
Monday

SNL Power Rankings: Won’t Someone Please Open Up An Express Lane For Zach Galifianakis To Get Into The Five Timers Club?

That’s the way you do it, that’s the way you debate host Saturday Night Live! Despite the fact that we didn’t see a reprisal of last year’s best SNL sketch, “Pageant Talk,” Zach Galifianakis proved himself worthy of an express lane pass to the Five Timers Club with his hosting work over the weekend. His opening monologue — only part of which NBC has made available online — was pitch perfect, and he was able to confidently and charismatically play the lead in a number of awesomely bizarre sketches (including “Noodles,”which was so blue that NBC has thus far refused to put it online). Much like Jim Carrey, Zach is one of those crazy talented performers that could be an SNL cast member if he wanted to, but we’ll be content if he instead settles on coming back to host once a year (a la Jon Hamm).

Way more divisive, however, were the opinions on Dr. Luke’s newest protégé, Jessie J. The fact that she’s got a big voice and killer stems is undeniable, but her performance (at least to me!) came across like Natasha Bedingfield on a fistful of bennies. However, based on a quick search of Vevo, her music is apparently quite popular with the kids these days (26 million views for “Price Tag” alone). Would anyone care to explain exactly what her deal is?

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14 March
Monday

Opposite Of Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Quits Smoking

Most people have no issue with Lindsay Lohan whatsoever in that they don’t know her or have anything invested in how her life turns out. But, even for the small portion of the population that actually cares, it’s hard to imagine that anyone’s issue with her is that she smokes. Nonetheless, this is a thing that happened today. From TMZ:

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ she’s continuing on the path to a healthier life by kicking her nicotine habit … cold turkey no less. We’re told Lindsay quit about a week ago and now works out with a trainer every morning.

Haha. Okay, Lindsay Lohan. This would be kind of like if someone stole stuff, couldn’t hold down a job, constantly got drunk with her mom, and then said “okay, I’ll quit smoking.” It’s scarily similar to that.

14 March
Monday

Just Tracy Morgan Shirtless With A Lightsaber

Here’s Tracy Morgan doing what he does best: Being shirtless while wielding a plastic lightsaber. At least, we assume it’s plastic, we’d be no more or less surprised if Tracy Morgan owned a custom working lightsaber and weilded it while shirtless next to the East River.

This continues to beg the perpetual question: What would Tracy Morgan have to be doing in a photo for you to be like “Whoa, why is Tracy Morgan doing that in that photo?” instead of “Haha, of course Tracy Morgan’s doing that. What’s for breakfast, honey?” (In this scenario “honey” is your dog who you pretend cooks you breakfast.)

If you wish to ruin the Tracy illusion, click after the jump:

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14 March
Monday

Florida Woman Gets Drunk, Pulls Out Teeth, Looks Like Ann Burrell From The Food Network

This is the story of two women. The first is a woman named Tina Masta from Naples, Florida who “got drunk, stripped naked, pulled out her own teeth and then hurled them into a canal. When cops arrived, [she] even asked them for a pair of pliers to remove more of her molars.” The second woman is Ann Burrell who is a chef with a strong personality on the Food Network. These two women have little in common other than the fact that when the former gets pull-out-teeth-drunk, she looks a bit like a falling apart version of the latter.

This is basically pre-hab for Ann Burrell.

Drunk lady story from Splash.

11 March
Friday

SEXTRAVADANZA: The 20 Sexiest Photos Of Tony Danza

Some sad news today in the world of matrimony: After 24 years of marriage, Tony Danza will no longer be the boss of his wife Tracy Robinson. Very sad indeed. Something tells us Tracy caught glimpse of Tony’s A&E reality show Teach: Tony Danza and was like “Mmm-bye.”

But let us focus on something we’re pretty sure no one would get divorced over: The fact that, at 60, Tony Danza is looking better than ever. Here are the 20 Sexiest Photos of Tony in his Danza-iest best, including a NUDE SHOT. It’s a veritable Sextravadanza!! Here we go:

20.

19.

18.

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11 March
Friday

Meet The World’s Dumbest Assh*le

It would make sense that of all days for this photo to come out, it would just happen to be “Unfollow Charlie Sheen on Twitter” day. What follows is an account of what happens when two people with limited brain function and lots and lots of alcohol get themselves a tattoo needle and decide to ruin their bodies for life. Just when I swore I would never write about Charlie Sheen again, this assh*le has to get his face tattoo’d to a tiger body. So the story goes:

A New York man has got this ‘winning’ Charlie Sheen tattoo – featuring the troubled actor’s head attached to the body of a tiger. The man, as yet unidentified, was talking to his tattoo artist pal Mike Nomy about the star’s recent exploits. Mike said: “We were talking about Charlie Sheen and kept repeating his catchphrases. I said that I had an awesome idea for a Sheen tattoo and he immediately said he wanted it. I thought it was so funny I did it for free.” The word ‘Winning’ appears at the bottom of the tattoo.

Please include this blog post in the humanity file for “Why the world is probably going to end on March 11, 2011.”

[Photo and description via Splash]

11 March
Friday

Kelsey Grammer’s $1 Million Cash Wedding Present: Ultimate Gift, Or Ultimate Tacky?

Kelsey Grammer has reportedly (meaning “probably made-uply” but we’re gonna talk about it anyway) given $1 million in cash to his new bride, 29-year-old British flight attendant Kayte Walsh. Whether or not this is true, it raises an important question of tact that we’ll all definitely have to confront at some point in our lives: Is receiving a wedding gift of $1 million an awesome thing, or an impossibly tacky thing?

THE GOOD: This is ONE MILLION DOLLARS directly deposited into her bank account shortly after marrying Walsh with no prenup right in the middle of his soon-to-be devastatingly expensive divorce. Is there a bigger show of commitment than that? And what’s a better gift than literally one million dollars? Tackiness aside, would anyone actually prefer a $1 million painting or something? Unless it’s of Kelsey Grammer falling, obviously not.

On the other hand…

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11 March
Friday

The Justin Timbelake-Jessica Biel Break-Up: We Called It!

Have you heard the big news? Celebrity power couple who are probably the answer to 5,000 blind items Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have called it quits.

Well guess what? “WE ALREADY KNEW THAT SH*T, DAWG” — Me in 2003. Check out this photo and caption we posted after the Oscars back on February 28:



Let us analyze some of the imminent break-up signs ahead…

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