MayIt’s not entirely rational or healthy that this photo of Chris Brown signing his new “Dum English” toys fills me with unspecific disgust, but there you go:
On the plus side, at least he appears to be completely unaware of how much that pointy hat makes him look like a gnome:
May
Us: How much more specific can these Supercuts possibly get?
Internet: Here’s one of Val Kilmer taking off his glasses over and over again in movies!
Us: That was a rhetorical question, Internet, you didn’t have to answer.
Internet: Oh. Well. Here’s one of Val Kilmer taking off his glasses over and over again in movies!
Us: Uh, thanks. [Instantly Watch 4 Times]:
(via Videogum)
MayVirgina Atlantic just unveiled a hyper-luxurious new Upper-Class Cabin, complete with its own cocktail bar, full-sized beds, and of course, ice cubes shaped like Richard Branson’s head:
We know Richard Branson loves throwing his face out there, but custom-face ice cubes? That’s some sh*t a cartoony supervillain would do. Not even like Mr. Freeze, he’s too reserved, more like, Dr. Chillo Icingstein from some 1930s pulp magazine, “Tales Of Slayings Most Fiendish!” There’s one panel when the detective visits him at Icingstein Manor and he’s drinking absinthe out of a cursed Mandarin ice-goblet then plops in two ice cubes shaped exactly like his face, and that made up thing is Richard Branson now.
You can check out more pics of the ice cubes and a more detailed explanation at Shortlist.com (though my pulp-supervillain assessment was probably more accurate.)
(Thanks, @Caissie!)
AprilA bunch of New Yorkers are Tweeting photos of the Space Shuttle Enterprise during its Manhattan fly-by today, but we just snapped this photo from our office in Times Square and it’s gonna be HARD to top:
Crazy! That’s Tom Cruise filming a stunt for Mission Impossible 5: Ghoul Referendum. In your FACE, footage of Cruise hanging from that Dubai building.
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Tom Cruise looks huge in that photo,” that’s just because all celebrities look way bigger in person.
(To use this photo for your news website / novel, please send all photo inquiries to DansEXCLUSIVEREALPICS@Real.gov, and a $90 million invoice will be mailed to you directly. Be sure to credit us and insert the word EXCLUSIVE in between each word you type for the rest of the day.)
AprilThe mysterious celebrity-related street art parodist Hanksy has struck again, this time bringing us a piece of street art that’s even more elaborate than it is entirely necessary:
Yippie PIE-Yay, MotherPIESer!
Discussion topic: Should all art be required to involve pies and/or Die Hard? I say yes, but I am willing to listen to and reject arguments to the contrary.
(via Pop Culture Brain)
AprilHere’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson grilling a severed human hand, thus confirming the eating habits we always assumed he had and further explaining why he built up all that goodwill by doing uplifting Disney movies:
Obviously he’s not really grilling and eating a severed hand, it’s just a scene from a movie he’s shooting – the ultra-gritty sequel to The Tooth Fairy:
AprilHugh Grant meets Meow The 39-Pound Cat On The Today Show, A Story In Three Photos:
April
Here’s a video of Kiefer Sutherland playing guitar while his dog sing-wails accompaniment. What a great musical duo! They’re a regular Doggins and Messina.
I’ve never seen an episode of Touch, but I promise I’ll watch them all THIS INSTANT if someone tells me the theme song is Kiefer Sutherland and his dog performing “You Got The Touch” together. It doesn’t even have to be true, just tell me that and I’ll watch.
Video of the musical duo is below – Take it away, Kiefer and Twenty-Fouro (I’ve decided that’s the dog’s name):
April
Do we need context or explanation for this? Probably. But it’s better without any.
Enjoy your joint Oscar, monk and Real Bruce Willis!
(pic via Splash News)
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Friday
Kim Kardashian’s Ass Is Officially A Postmodern Commentary On Itself
Here is a photo of person Kim Kardashian taken yesterday:
So, what do we even say at this point? Obviously our first reptilian brain-instinct would be to notice and point out the hugeness of her ass in this photo, but just as quickly, our brain reminds us that every possible Kardashian ass observation / joke / particle of knowledge was used up years ago, so we refrain from comment and pretend not to notice because it’s a hacky thing to even think, but at the end of the day, she still chose those pants, and still semi-posed for that photo (there’s like 8 more from the same angle), and we still notice it but don’t notice it and who knows WHAT ANYTHING MEANS ANYMORE IN THIS WORLD WE USED TO CALL CELEBRITY GOSSIP (and still currently call “Celebrity Gossip”).
There’s only one possible explanation: Kim Kardashian’s ass is officially now a satirical meta-commentary on itself.
We don’t even need to notice or make the joke anymore, because the ass is ALREADY that; it’s like the last two years of George W. Bush’s presidency, when he’d mess up words and we wouldn’t even care to point it out anymore because everyone already knew and he might as well have been doing it on purpose even though he wasn’t but still could have and at some point the joke turns inwards and explodes and we move onto the next thing. My point is just, George W. Bush’s malapropisms are literally Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Also, if you’re wondering what makes it a “Postmodern” commentary, it’s the same reason that makes anything else “Postmodern”: I wanted to put an extra word there.
(pic via Splash News)