BWE Exclusives

While the self-serving post-breakup interview confessions has become a standard for anyone who’s ever publicly dated Britney Spears, some do it with more elegance and grace than others. There was the redneck dude who she married for ten minutes, and his half-hearted and too-late (he didn’t talk until after he finally accepted that she no longer wanted anything to do with him) attempt at getting publicity by describing their “wedding night” relations, then you have K-Fed just being K-Fed, and now JR Rotem – the gangsta guido music producer she dated for like a week a few months back when she wasn’t busy showing off her beaver – is doing the whole “kiss and tell” thing in the upcoming issue of Blender Magazine. We’ve obtained an exclusive advance copy of the piece, and let me tell you, this classy guy is the Walt Whitman of Britney confessionals:

“I f*cked Britney wheelbarrow style.” Jonathan “J.R.” Rotem is holding court at his Beluga Heights studio in West Hollywood, California. The music producer is wearing enormous silver Elvis sunglasses and a diamond-­encrusted keyboard around his neck; his hair glistens like a bird in an oil spill. To the audience clustered around his couch—his manager Zach Katz, two cameramen filming a reality-show pilot, Denaun Porter of hip-hop group D12—Rotem offers a series of impromptu non sequiturs: “I have a fear of germs”; “I don’t ­invest in real estate, I invest in jewelry”; “I’m a Leo, a lion”; “I’ve seen Zoolander 100 times”; and, finally, “I f*cked Britney wheelbarrow style. Just kidding.” He waits a beat. “It was tractor style.”

And thus begins one of the repulsive, douche chill-inducing profiles we’ve ever read. But following this amazing introduction to the man, it only gets better a few paragraphs down, when he says this:

“When I first got in, I was like, I’ll let my music do the talking. But it became apparent that it’s important how I sell myself. My family brought me up to think that bragging was classless and repugnant.”

And if there’s anyone who knows anything about “classless and repugnant”, it’s undoubtedly this f*cking guy. Be sure to pick up the issue when it hits newsstands on July 19th, if only to finish reading this riveting portrait of human awfulness.