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3 February
Friday

The Best Super Bowl Commercial That Never Was: Doritos Beer

Several years ago, Doritos held a contest where fans submitted their own homemade commercials and the winning ad got to air during the Super Bowl. Obviously, the one that ended up getting voted in involved a person getting hit in the balls (seriously), and history unfolded as we know it (the whole Gaddafi thing, etc.)

The following ad from Pete Holmes, Matt McCarthy, and Oren Brimer was one of the five finalists in the contest, but it sadly lost out (#Ballsgate – never forget). It remains to this day the best Super Bowl commercial of all time, even though it never rightfully aired.

Websites dust off their “Greatest Super Bowl Ads Of All Time” lists every year, but their lame Budweiser Frogs and Pepsi Truckers can’t hold a candle to Doritos Beer:

I’ve watched this upwards of 50 times now in my life, and the ending gets me every time. Also, these should exist. That’s all.

30 January
Monday

OHHH YEAHHH: Watch The Full Ferris Bueller Super Bowl Commercial

Following last week’s almost fake-seeming teaser, here’s the full version of Matthew Broderick reprising his role as Ferris Bueller for a Honda Super Bowl commercial. It’s impressively elaborate and pretty adorable, and also contains enough Ferris Bueller Easter eggs in two and a half minutes for a dang Ferris Bueller Easter egg hunt (which this video basically already is).

I was kind of hoping they’d accidentally drive a Honda through Cameron’s dad’s window and off a cliff, but I guess a two-and-a-half minute Super Bowl spot might’ve already dried up a tad of their budget. We’ll take it:

(P.S. – The “Ohhhh Yeahhhh” song people just got a huge royalty check in mail out of nowhere. They opened it and were like, “Ohhhh Yeahhhh!”)

23 January
Monday

COME TO PENN STATE: The Best Recorded Three Seconds In Joe Paterno’s Life

Longtime Penn State football coach Joe Paterno died this weekend at the age of 85. Within seconds of the news breaking, my Facebook and Twitter feeds both filled up with messages from my fellow alumni, with exclamations of grief for Paterno’s passing showing up alongside the requisite predictable jokes in an oddly emotional and confusing barrage that I’d rather not replicate here.

Rather than get into any dicey ‘Paterno’s legacy’ debates on our happy humor site, instead, let’s focus on the best recorded three seconds in the very long life of Joe Paterno: His hilariously random anger at the end of this Big 10 Network commercial from 2008.

Watch the entire video for full effect, but brace yourself for Paterno’s delivery at the very end:

WHY IS HE SO MAD? Did the director of the commercial ask for that or expect it at all, or did it just happen and the director was like “Never mind, perfect – end of the commercial is set.” I’ve watched this at least 40 times and I’m still never ready for it.

For the record, COME TO PENN STAAAATE was the name of my fantasy football team this year. After a particular incident occurred, I changed it to ACTUALLY NEVER MIND. I missed the playoffs. The end.

11 January
Wednesday

Pizza Boomerang Is The Most Epic Pizza Commercial You Will Ever See

Tired of apologetic Domino’s ads and Digornio ads with wimpy fake-drivers and Papa John’s commercials informing you on the whereabouts of Papa and Pizza Hut ads that are fine but don’t involve a godlike entity throwing an unstoppable magical pizza boomerang at the earth?

Then get a load of Pizza Boomerang, a pizza commercial for the EXTREME generation. It is, to our knowledge, the first Spanish-language pizza commercial featuring a Pizza God, a blasting orchestral score, a suicide attempt, and a dismembered flasher. Or did that one “Go Big Poppa” Papa John’s ad have some of those things? I can’t remember.

Check out the video after the jump. It is NSFW, as it may contain a severed (fake) penis:

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10 January
Tuesday

Get The Body You’ve Always Wanted With The All-New Miracle Beauty Product “Fotoshop”

Have you always wanted one of those perfectly-toned, blemish-free, literally-impossibly-slim celebrity figures you see in magazines all the time? You’re in luck! Throw away those diet books and gym memberships and get your hands on the only beauty product you’ll ever need again: Fotoshop by Adobé.

With “Fotoshop,” now you can have the unrealistically flawless “celeb body” you’ve always wanted, in literally none of the time! Watch this ad and DARE to tell me you’re not convinced:

So, was that the most accurate thing ever made? I believe it was. I nominate that music for an Accurie Award.

(via @ryeisenberg)

20 December
Tuesday

The 10 Most Adorable Animal Commercials Of 2011

There are two types of tv commercials: Ads that feature adorable animals doing adorable things and we love them because we just see animals and are happy even if they’re being used for advertising purposes, and ads that do not feature adorable animals (and are therefore the worst).

To celebrate the former, and to hopefully convince the latter to stop hating cute animals, please enjoy this 2011 Year In Cute look back at the 10 Most Adorable Animal Commercials Of 2011:

10. Shelter Pet Project Meow-nologue

The Shelter Pet Project – an organization committed to promoting pet adoption through adorable animal inner-monologues – released this series of ads taking you inside the cute but confused minds of newly adopted pets. The ads are really well-done and pretty accurate, other than the pets never yelling “FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD”:

You can check out the other 3 ads in the adorable 4-part saga here.

9. Travelers Insurance Doggie Date

After last year’s notoriously tragic commercial about the ever-worrying dog desperate to protect his bone, the Travelers people decided to reverse bum-us-the-hell-out with this follow-up commercial where that dog falls in love, goes on a series of dates, and eventually raises a family. Although, if he was that worried about a bone, how worried is he gonna be about his pups? We’ll worry about that in the Threequel.

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12 December
Monday

Kay Jewelers Turns Weirdly Sexual With “Ohhh Santa!” Commercial

The month of December is a nonstop battle between Kay Jewelers ads and Lexus ads to produce the most insufferably happy couples on television, like some sort of escalating, never-ending arms race between calculated but unrealistic ‘real people’ whose fake existence causes genuine laughter.

Here’s the latest bizarre twist in this saga, a Kay Jewelers ad in which a couple’s child dresses up as Santa to deliver some Christmas jewelery to his mom on his dad’s behalf.

It starts out like every faux-adorable Holiday commercial, but the mom’s reaction is SO WEIRD:

Whhaaaat? “OHHH SANTA…” You do realize Santa is your son, right? You’re allowed to enjoy the gift, but it might not be entirely appropriate to call out Santa’s name during your gift-orgasm.

Kay Jewelers: The gift that’s so desirable, you’ll momentarily want to nail your own son. (Are they aiming for the Boardwalk Empire demographic?)

Let’s see what the Youtube commenters think:

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7 December
Wednesday

Rob Schneider’s New Sitcom Is The Most Definitive Proof Yet Of 2012 Apocalypse

Here’s an extended trailer and behind-the-scenes look at Rob Schneider’s upcoming 2012 sitcom Rob! (title-punctuation theirs, not mine, but that’s how excited we should all be!) Rob Schneider plays Rob, a white man who just married a sitcommly-out-of-his-league Mexican gal, but hijinx ensues when he tries to get along with her family. It’s a classic fish out of AGUA story!!!

It appears Rob! and Work It will be the key-master and gate-keeper of the now-certain 2012 apocalypse. It’s been fun, humanity! But it’s all over:

Just so we’re not entirely negative in this post, check out Rob Schneider’s Best 3 Projects after the jump:

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6 December
Tuesday

“Christmas Day” Is Like “New Year’s Eve” But Perfecter

Here’s the trailer for Christmas Day, a parody of New Year’s Eve that’s even better because it has more crammed-in stars, more plotlines, and a better holiday around which their 41 concurrent super-rushed stories can play out (aka, the “Three Prongs” in the Filmmaking Three-Pronged Fork. Learn about it in Film School.)

Does New Year’s Eve star Arnold Schwarzenegger as Turbo Man or the entire cast of Cheers? NO? Then make way for the new king of ensemble-cast romantic comedies.

Enjoy this now, before it becomes not a joke in two years:

28 November
Monday

Do NOT Mess With Spaceballs’ President Skroob, Even In 2011

Our pal Tom Ganjamie draws our attention to this odd piece of nostalgic street-art, featuring a variety of black-and-white ‘ads’ around Manhattan’s East Village for “SmartAir” and “Poland Spring Air” satirizing bottled water companies. However, the posters have each been slapped with a copyright notice from none other than President Skroob from the movie Spaceballs, claiming intellectual property over the idea of canned air and urging the artists to cease the display.

Here’s what the ads look like:

And here’s the Spaceballs copyright notice up close (click for Full Size):

Being the internet dead-inside-people skeptics that we are, we’d bet that the Skroob thing is either part of the exhibit or an attention-grabbing prank (not sure how many actual legal documents carry a giant ‘SKROOB’ signature), but either way, President Skroob has made his legal presence felt, proving again that it is far more difficult to swipe Skroob’s intellectual property than it is to break into his luggage.

After the jump, an additional pic of the Poland Spring Air ad:

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