Best Week Ever » Sara Schaefer

The Top 20 Things I Would Have Included In My Goodbye Montage Set To “This Used To Be My Playground,” If I Had Actually Gotten Around To Making It

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:45:29 +0000

This is my LAST post on BestWeekEver.tv! I have thoroughly enjoyed blogging here. It’s been only 6 short months, but what a half-year it’s been! Thanks to everyone for reading my sometimes horrible attempts at being witty. Thanks for keeping me on my toes and sometimes calling me the C word. Thanks for helping me decide if certain guys are hot, and thank you repeatedly justifying my obsession with horrible TV shows, and with certain horrible people. Thanks especially to Dan, Michelle, Alex, and everyone at the BWE.tv office. You guys taught me so much, and made me feel so welcome, it was like I was your little sister. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m older than all of you.

I was so humbled to hear all the well-wishes and death threats when I announced that I was leaving. This site has the best commenters anywhere on the internet (and I’m INCLUDING YouTube when I say that!). Though I won’t be blogging here anymore, I will still be blogging and trying to be funny somewhere else, so when the pain gets to be too much, think about that.

I wanted to make a montage of all my favorite BWE.tv moments set to the song “This Used To Be My Playground,” but alas, it didn’t happen. So I hope you won’t find this to be too self-indulgent (kind of how the title of this post isn’t self-indulgent at all?): here is my list of things I WOULD have included, if I wasn’t so damn lazy:

20. THE TOP 2 HUGH JACKMAN FACES

19. RUPERT

18. OPENING CEREMONIES

17. ADELE SHADOWS ME

16. THE DOG CLONING MAN RAPIST

15. CHRIS DANE OWENS

14. EMO BABY NAME GENERATOR

13. THE NEW DOUCHEBAG

12. HOW NOT TO KISS

11. SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

10. STINK FACES

9. THE BEST WORST MIDI FILE EVER

8. MY PERSONALIZED KEDS

7. OUR TRIP TO THE REAL WORLD HOUSE

6. THE SPEIDI CHRONICLES

5. TRIBUTE TO THE CAMPAIGN

4. SECRET AMBITION

3. GARY BUSEY’S DOG

2. KUNG POO

1. CANCER WALK PHOTO

See you on the internet!

Love,

Sara

I’m Beginning To Wonder If Chris Brown Has A J*zz-In-The-Pants Problem

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 17:45:37 +0000

Here’s a video of Chris Brown at a concert, where he has an obvious boner while performing. First off, he’s wearing shiny pants that really accentuate the boner. Secondly, he repeatedly tries to shove it down. Then, when you combine this incident with his clear j*zz-in-the-pants incident with Rihanna last week, I’m beginning to wonder if Chris is in way over his head with this stardom stuff. He’s just a country boy from Tappahannock, maybe he’s not ready for thousands of screaming (and most likely topless) fans!

I still love him.

(via ONTD)

The Editor-In-Chief Of The World Almanac Looooooves David Cook

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:30:32 +0000

As I’m sure you’re already aware (because who here isn’t obsessed with almanacs?), there is a picture of American Idol winner David Cook on the cover of the 2009 edition of The World Almanac And Book Of Facts. Here to explain why is the Almanac’s editor-in-chief, Alan Joyce. Alan’s got a subtle flirt-with-the-camera thing going on here, and the music really sets the mood. Is it just me, or does it seem like Alan’s holding down an explosion of David Cook obsession while delivering this message?

I sure was delighted to see David Cook on the cover too! Honestly I was fully expecting him to say, “David Cook was the winner of American Idol, American Idol was the most watched show on TV…and I was really hoping that by putting the picture on the cover, David might return some of my phone calls.” Someone should do a parody of this. Now.

While You Were Illustrating What It’s Like To Be Married To Tom Cruise

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:30:21 +0000

Photos of Katie Holmes in a Miu Miu ad campaign have been surfacing over the past couple of days. They’re really artsy. Or cry-for-helpy. Either one.
Johnny Knoxville tried to bring a grenade through airport security, because he’s a genius like that. He was detained for a short while, but still made his flight, because the TSA is a genius like that.
Chesley Sullenberger III has nothing to be sullen about. That’s because he’s the badass that laid down a commercial airliner gently onto the Hudson river yesterday. Badass name, badass story. Expect to see much more of him in the coming days.
The Jonas Brothers have hired extra security to protect their underwear. Seriously, what does a guy have to do to not get a date around here??
Did anybody notice how motherf*cking cold it is? Here’s a bunch of cool stuff you can do when it’s -21 degrees outside. You won’t be able to feel your face while doing it, but it’s still neat.

ICYMI: The Dumbest Dog Accessory Of All Time

Sara Schaefer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:00:32 +0000

Look! On The Today Show they reported on one of the most handy inventions of all time: the doggy umbrella! Not only will this be a breeze to maneuver on your city streets (I have visions of my legs getting caught up in one of these, thus inviting whatever dog is attached to bite me repeatedly in an attempt to escape), but IT CLEARLY DOES NOT PREVENT YOUR DOG FROM GETTING WET…AT ALL.

I love the condescending: “Just the tail is gettin’ wet there in the back, but that’s okay.”

I Dare You To Watch The CollegeHumor TV Show Trailer And Not Get Jealous

Sara Schaefer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 20:08:25 +0000

Aw man. Not only do the CollegeHumor kids get to work in the coolest office of all time, but they get to have a TV show about it too? Hell yes. This looks awesome. I can’t wait. And Nick Kroll!

Premieres on MTV, Sunday, February 8th at 9:30 P.M. Lord, please let it be good. (via Buzzfeed)

Mario Batali & Anthony Bourdain Talk About Sex And Now My Vagina Is Confused

Sara Schaefer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:45:47 +0000

As part of their awesome Chewing The Fat series, our friends at Serious Eats have this amazing clip of Anthony Bourdain and Mario Batali talking in detail about sex and food, and the relationship therein. First of all, I find Anthony Bourdain to be incredibly sexy. He’s funny, he can cook, and for the love of hotness! He ate the still-beating heart of a cobra! Now, on the OTHER hand…Batali? Not so much. His food is f*cking amazing, but let’s be honest: the man wears wet orange crocs all day long. Why are they wet? Because they’re covered in his head sweat, that’s why.

So, in the beginning of the video, Bourdain starts the convo off, talking about “rolling over into the wet spot,” and immediately I wonder if he is referring to the chair I’m currently sitting in. But THEN, Batali starts talking, with phrases like “there’s a couple of ways of making someone happy by putting something inside of them,” and he’s bringing up images of banging somebody with an eggplant. Goddamnit Batali! You’re the f*cking wet blanket on my Bourdain bonfire! The desert wind drying up the lush Everglades in my pants! The Debbie Downer in my down-there. Okay…I’ll stop. Just watch:

Oh Anthony. If only that video was just you alone. You could “engorge my membrane” any time…any place.

Will Smith Would Really Prefer It If We Didn’t Make This All About Him

Sara Schaefer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:00:33 +0000

Will Smith made a big splash at the London premiere of Seven Pounds:

Proof that Will Smith is the most humble man on earth, after the jump!

While You Were Redefining The Phrase “Hitting Rock Bottom”

Sara Schaefer — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:40:59 +0000

On the British show Celebrity Big Brother, Verne Troyer was made to dress up like a teddy bear and eat a pot of honey. I’m not sure there’s anything else I need to say about this.
The premise of Amy Poehler’s new not-an-Office-spinoff has been revealed! It will be a mockumentary style show set in the world of local government: the cameras will follow “a mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks and Recreation Department of Pawnee, Indiana.” BEGIN WETTING YOUR PANTS WITH EXCITEMENT…now.
Sarah Jessica Parker wants Britney Spears to play a role in the next Sex And The City movie. She wants her to play Carrie Bradshaw’s young cousin or something else that might make the movie remotely interesting.
TruTV has a reality show called The Principal’s Office, and in this clip, two high school kids hilariously tease their principal by kind of pretending to be gay. Honestly after watching this I can’t believe it’s a reality show and not some scripted mockumentary. Give these people a sitcom!
Worth1000 had a photoshop contest to see who could infuse Muppets into famous images. Some of them are super creepy, but the movie posters (like the Cookienator) are worth the willies.

CAPTION THIS: Jamie Oliver Wants To Know Whose Poo This Is

Sara Schaefer — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:30:16 +0000

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver is holding something that is probably a delicious cured meat, but it just looks like something else entirely.

Poo-in-hand or not, those bedroom eyes are sooooo dreamy!

The Top 50 Craziest Paintings Of Animals

Sara Schaefer — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:00:48 +0000

These paintings are for sale on eBay. They are from China…and they are f*cking INSANE…I seriously cannot stop staring at them. I can’t decide if I want to hang them on my wall or burn them and bury the ashes as far away as possible. Are these the new dogs-playing-poker paintings? Who IS this artist? What is his or her obsession with monkey teats, asparagus, pickles, cigars, and stately lookin’ cats and dogs? Is he a genius, or a hack? And who are we to decide? What is art? In any case, please, please proceed with caution – I cannot be held liable for any heads exploding from looking at all of these (FYI: if you consider monkey teats NSFW, then this will be NSFW):

50.

49.

48.

47.

46.

45.

44.

43.

42.

41.

40.

39.

38.

36.

35.

34.

33.

32.

31.

30.

29.

28.

27.

26.

25.

24.

23.

22.

21.

20.

19.

18.

17.

16.

15.

14.

13.

12.

11.

10.

You Are Never In A Million Years Going To Guess Who This Is

Sara Schaefer — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:00:52 +0000

What Would Tyler Durden Do dug up this picture, and needless to say, I was stumped:

Find out who it is, after the jump!

BOY GEORGE! That’s what happens when you’re usually seen wearing some crazy-ass makeup. When you go without, you’re completely unrecognizable.

Armani Paid Victoria Beckham $17 Million To Act Like A Mannequin

Sara Schaefer — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 17:30:04 +0000

Victoria Beckham’s Armani underwear campaign has launched. She reportedly received $17 million as part of a three-year deal, and here are the first set of shots. She totally looks like a mannequin from that “After Hours” episode of The Twilight Zone where the lady goes up to the 9th floor of the department store, only to realize that she is a mannequin!

Seriously, check out the rest of the shots, after the jump!

Now this one…it’s REALLY Twilight Zoney, if you ask me…

I’m so sorry.

ICYMI: Dog Pees On The Today Show Floor

Sara Schaefer — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 15:00:10 +0000

During the golden fourth hour of The Today Show yesterday, a dog peed on the floor while the camera was zoomed in on him. Hoda jumps trying to avoid getting pee on her, but Kathie Lee immediately starts scolding the dog in a tone not unlike that of Mommie Dearest.

Apparently this dog’s name is Weeka. Wee-ka. Get it?

While You Were Making Ryan Seacrest Really Uncomfortable

Sara Schaefer — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:40:54 +0000

American Idol premiered last night. The new judge? Sassy. The bad contestants? Not quite as sad as years past. The good contestants? They’ve got potential. Ryan Seacrest? Completely freaked out by a hot chick in a bikini who tried to french him. And a blind guy made it through! Yes!
Britney Spears is moving into a new $9 million home because that old $7.1 million dump was “jinxed.” Next step: find new brain to replace that mushy old one.
Lil Kim is not happy with the way she is depicted in Notorious, the Biggie biopic. When asked why, she responded: “Not enough nudity.”
Amy Winehouse has sworn off drugs but apparently alcohol doesn’t count. Sources at the St. Lucia resort at which she seems to be living say â€œWe keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guestsâ€™ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.â€ Hey look, it’s better than being compared to a wet dog with a crack pipe, so I think we’re making progress here.
Attention lady nerds: how can we combine our love of video games with our love of the arts thread-and-needle? By making a cross-stitch Zelda map, of course.

…OF THE DAY

Sara Schaefer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 23:01:58 +0000

PUN STORES, TORONTO EDITION: Inspired by our very own 50 Best Pun Stores, Torontoist collected more than 60 punny store names that live in their own city. (Torontoist)
DO YOU HAVE CHICKEN FINGERS? The best celebrity soundboards on the internet are collected for your enjoyment. Though they did miss my favorite. (Urlesque)
AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T NAME HER GIGLI: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have named their new daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. Meh. Not crazy enough! Come on celebrities! Are you going to let Ashlee Simpson and Lisa Bonet intimidate you? (Just Jared)
WHITNEY’S BOOBIES CAME TO PORT: Yesterday, beach pics of Whitney Port playing in the ocean showed a couple of nip slips. And she’s wearing a microphone because she was taping for The City. Oops. Anyway, she explained it all on her blog, blaming the “rough and tumble of the ocean.” No explanation for why she’s famous. (People)
YOU’RE NOT HELPING: You know those crazy quiz shows in Europe? Well, apparently the host of one of them flipped out because no one was calling in and she got canned. No word yet if this is fake or not. (Jossip)

BWE.TV Exclusive: Our Convo With Devyn From The Real World: Brooklyn

Sara Schaefer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:00:20 +0000

Editor’s note: Michelle and Sara had the opportunity to sit down with each of the cast members of the new season of The Real World. Using their signature brand of tag-team tough-question journalism that comes from minutes of experience, the ladies dug deep into the psyches of the cast members. We will be bringing you interviews with each cast member over the coming days! The Real World: Brooklyn airs on Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on MTV. For constant stimulation, you can also check out RealWorldDailies.com.

Aside from the fact that Devyn had an adorable puppy with whom Michelle and I were obsessed, I found her to be quite interesting. She had a lot of opinions about the show, and I was particularly impressed with her brutal honesty about the experience in general. Most people will try and give you some answer about life experience and learning all about yourself etc., but Devon was no holds barred admitting that she was here to get herself a career in entertainment. She also told us about the “murder haven” that is Red Hook.

BWE: First of all, how old are you?

DEVYN: I am 20 years old.

BWE: Are you the youngest in the house?

DEVYN: Indeed I am.

BWE: A baby. What was that like?

DEVYN: I didnâ€™t really feel like the baby 99% of the time. When we went to Atlantic City I was pretty much not allowed to do anything except breathe, which sucked royally, but besides that, I never really felt like a baby.

BWE: Was there a lot of immaturity going down?

DEVYN: Yes.

BWE: By the way just for fair warning, we are very unprofessional. Was there a lot of drama in the house?

DEVYN: Let’s just say we wrapped two weeks early.

BWE: It was that bad?

DEVYN: The house became girls vs. boys. And it’s not that I favor girls more than guys. I typically have more guy friends than girls so thatâ€™s so not the case. Yesterday as we were doing the photo shoot, you could see the boys start cracking, like in between bickering and throwing hissy fits, and even the photographer even commented about it, like “What’s up with the boys?” And we would do some shots with the boys, and he would be like oh my god, you guys are so much more peaceful.

BWE: Why did you come on the show?

DEVYN: Well the real reason I came on the show isâ€¦ well there are 2 reasons. I am a theater and performance major, and entertainment is my life. I love acting and performing, and I’ve been doing it seriously since I could talk and walk and this is an excellent platform to get out there. I definitely want to establish myself as an entertainer the right way. I want to be credible, but when there are millions of others just like me – just as talented, if not more so – auditioning, it’s always good to have an edge. I thought, well having an impressive resume and having this behind your name, and a little bit of notoriety already will give me that edge. So when I am auditioning I am not just that other girl – I am that girl that was on Real World and the girl that always had a small following. And the superficial reason: I knew I would get a show. Actually I met some former Real Worlders and for a News Year’s party, and I was basically the VP of this party, and I met some of them and was like…they are getting paid $4,000 a piece to come to this party and drink alcohol. And some of them I could tell there was something about them that they got on the show but others I thought, â€œIf you got on, then I can.â€ And this was a year ago, and who knew I would be here now.

BWE: What was it like living in this neighborhood with like nothing else around?

DEVYN: Oh my gosh, it’s not about the fact that there is nothing else around. It’s about that this is a murder haven. I was standing on the corner and this low rider car drives by really slowly – like really creepy. And then 5 minutes later it drives back around, and literally almost drives up on the curve, and I was like oh my god. Then it pulls over, flashes its light against me, and these guys were like “what are you doing over here?” I was like oh I’m waiting for a car service, and he was like â€œYou know this isnâ€™t safe.â€ Basically they were undercover cops, they were actually very nice, and they were like “you can not be standing out here. What are you doing? Do you see that house over there? They go over there to exchange drugs. Do you see that street down there? Thatâ€™s a dead end. You do not need to be over here.â€ And I’m about to start crying. I’m like oh my god, do you know how many times I stood out here by myself? Like waiting for a cab and the camera crew does not follow probably because they know it’s bad, and they do not want their camera to get messed up? So I’m like out there by myself, with no cell phone, and I was freaking out. For Halloween I was Barbie and people questioned whether I was porno Barbie andâ€¦

BWE: Well, Barbie is Barbieâ€¦.

DEVYN: Well I wore a size 2 dress, and I typically wear a size 4 or 6. But with that said, they did send a gentleman out with me [to the street corner] and it took an hour and a half for a car service but at least they did send someone out with me, because they said you can’t be out on the street corner wearing that in Brooklyn.

BWE: When you went out into Manhattan with the camera crew, was everyone excited that they were with the Real World crew?

DEVYN: There were some people who were excited about it. There were a lot of haters. There were more haters in the Brooklyn area then there were anywhere else. One of my ex-boyfriends came to the house, but I tend to date guys that donâ€™t like this. They have their own careers so this is not their â€œbe all end all.â€ Plus this is my own space. You have to be at a high level to come into the house.

BWE: Britney or Christina?

DEVYN: Christina because she is more talented.

Operation Cry-Town: Asian Girl With Crab Pincher Hands Plays Piano Beautifully For Old White People

Sara Schaefer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:30:49 +0000

It’s time to take a ride on the sob train folks. Meet Heeah, the 20-year-old woman with a rare condition known as phocomelia, a symptom of which is having only four fingers. Despite her challenges, Heeah can play the piano like an angel. This video is 10 minutes long, but at the very least, please watch the first minute, wherein Heeah plays for a group of old white folk. The narrator claims that the crowd is “moved to tears” and filled with disbelief. But judging from their expressions, they have NO idea what is going on. As for the rest of the video, it’s a pretty incredible story. All I can say is, I feel like a lazy, ungrateful b*tch after watching it.

The best old white people were exactly at the 0:28 mark, but I’ve got a screen grab of them after the jump if you’d like to remember:

(Sent by Jesus via Neatorama)

A Night Out With The Puppertons

Sara Schaefer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:33:09 +0000

I have no idea what is going on here, or why one of these dogs is a puppet, but the little dogs know what’s up and they want OUT. Mommy dog is giving them the death stare because they’re just calling more attention to the situation.

You know, I was just wondering what Kathryn Erbe from Law & Order does on the weekends. Apparently she goes to puppy charity events with Howard Stern’s wife. And plays with a terrifying dog puppet whose frozen expression of cracked out joy gives me the willies.

My Life Would Suck Without “My Life Would Suck Without You”

Sara Schaefer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:44:31 +0000

Kelly Clarkson’s new single is out! It’s called “My Life Would Suck Without You,” and I can pretty much guarantee that this will be played during future episodes of The City, The Hills, The Real World, Gossip Girl, and your dreams. It’s similar to “Since U Been Gone” in that it has a great big chorus that just explodes and makes you wanna run up and down the hallways of your office, open a window, and throw out a whole ream of paper into the streets below. Ahem. On the other hand, it’s different from “Since U Been Gone” because, instead of talkin’ about how great life is without this guy, it’s talkin’ about how life is just AWFUL without him, or as this youngster puts it, “it sucks.” Love, huh? Such a roller coaster ride!

Take a listen by clicking on this delicious and not at all airbrushed picture of Kelly:

Sadly, I feel like they used a lot of auto-tune on Kelly’s voice during the verses. Why? Her voice is STUNNING…it does not need computers. Well sh*t.

CAPTION THIS: Glenn Close Gives Her Star The Chest Bump

Sara Schaefer — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:20:20 +0000

Glenn Close has recevied her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (with the kind of people getting stars these days, how is it POSSIBLE that this woman did not already have one?). At the ceremony, she remembered something really important: When you finally get your Hollywood star, you have to make it awesome.

I wonder if she went into a set of Jack Palance style push-ups just to show everyone she’s still got it!

…OF THE DAY

Sara Schaefer — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 23:00:06 +0000

USELESS WEBSITE ALERT: I’m not sure about Watching You Poop, but F*ck Yeah! Ryan Gosling rules. (BuzzFeed)
DOOGIE HOWSER ORCHESTRA: Neil Patrick Harris hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. The thing you need to hurry and watch before it gets taken down: Neil and the cast played the Doogier Howser theme song as an orchestra. (Videogum)
FAKED DEATH FAIL: A financial manager named Marcus Schrenker (who is under investigation for securities violations) tried to fake his own death: while flying his plane, he called in a distress signal to air traffic control. Meanwhile he secretly parachuted out, letting his plane crash into a swampy area. It almost worked…except people recognized him when he checked into a nearby motel. Damn, now he’s out an airplane too! (CNN)
CRINGE FEST: Ann Coulter. On The View. Smackdown!!! (Jezebel)
SEACRESTFALLEN: Awwww, there’s a video of Ryan Seacrest gettin’ totally denied by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on the red carpet at the Golden Globes. Looks like it wasn’t his fault really, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the little fella, standing there like the nerd at school trying to get the attention of the popular kids. (WWTDD)

AD WIZARDS: A Day In The Life Of Your Down-There

Sara Schaefer — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:53:45 +0000

This commercial for some sort of lotion for your lady parts really makes you realize how TERRIFYING it is to be a vagina (surprisingly safe for work):

Conveniently, they skipped the part I think we were all most interested in seeing.

Personal Update: Friday Is My Last Day At BestWeekEver.tv

Sara Schaefer — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:10:29 +0000

Everybody: my emotions are feeling all mixed-martial-artsy when I tell you that yes, Friday will be my last day here at BWE.tv!!! I am leaving to go work for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, specifically: as the Head Blogger for LateNightWithJimmyFallon.com. Anybody that knows me (or anyone who has stalked me over the years – Brad Pitt, I’m talking to you) knows that I have always wanted to work on Late Night in some way, so it feels like a dream come true (like an actual dream dream – not the weird ones I have while I’m sleeping that often involve poo). Before I pack up my cubicle for 30 Rock, however, I promise to post as many photos of Heidi Montag as possible, and will try to incorporate my Cancer Walk Photo as often as I can. Because I want to do this in the least selfish way possible. Any other requests?

THE SPEIDI CHRONICLES: Mixed Martial Arts!

Sara Schaefer — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 16:34:17 +0000

On Friday, these photos came out of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt learning the arts mixed martial with Kevin Casey (with whom Spencer is making some sort of reality show???). I gotta say, I’m impressed with physical prowess of these two – to be able to hold such intense poses for the photographer for minutes at a time, wow!

The Best Robot Facial Expression Ever

Sara Schaefer — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:00:09 +0000

Secretaries of the world be warned: meet Saya, the world’s first robotic receptionist that isn’t creepy at all! Soon the Pam’s of the real world will become obsolete. Saya knows over 700 phrases and has several facial expressions to correspond with human emotions. Which emotion do you think she’s expressing here?

(A) The emotion one feels while watching The Hills.

(B) Sinus-infection-ment

(D) All of the above

I’m going with D. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to employ Saya, better make sure that b*tch gets a lunch break, or you’ll undoubtedly find her rubbery hands around your throat, strangling you to death. (If you’re in the mood for more creepiness, check out this relatively old news clip of Saya doing some of her other facial expressions.)

Dentyne Website Tells Us To Make It Quick

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:15:46 +0000

In an effort to be clever, innovative, and get linked, Dentyne.com has an interesting feature: when you arrive at the page, you’re greeted by a home page that tells you you have only THREE MINUTES to peruse their website:

Awww, it’s so cute that (1) Dentyne is thinking of our well-being and has a healthy fear of technology, and that (2) Dentyne thinks ANYONE would spend more than 3 minutes on a website for a chewing gum company. Maybe I’m biased, but really, who seeks out a website for gum? I spent my three minutes on there, and basically they have 3 features: ads, something where you enter an address and see it on a map (it’s called Google Maps), and a little “face time request” form in which you can send a friend a request to hang out and have some “face time.” OTHERWISE KNOWN AS E-MAIL.

Gay Marriage: It’s Like Trying To Put Your Screw Into The Wrong Hole

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:00:44 +0000

Or, it’s like trying to rub two holes together. One of my favorites, A.D. Miles (you may remember his genius series Horrible People), made this video for 236.com about gay marriage, and I’m pretty sure the people sitting around me thought this was an actual propaganda film from the 50′s. It’s THAT real. I’ve never seen a more convincing argument against gay marriage – especially the gymnastics part!

Remember: if you see two gay people trying to get married, make a lot of noise and try to make yourself look bigger. Do NOT play dead!

BWE.TV Exclusive: Our Convo With Sarah From The Real World: Brooklyn

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:06:20 +0000

Sarah is the tattoo-covered lady on the show who used to date girls, but is now with a boy. She’s simultaneously feisty and sweet – and is the self-described “mother goose” of the house.

Sarah: I’m nerrrrvous!

BWE: Donâ€™t be nervous. This is a conversation.

Sarah: I know. I donâ€™t know why I get nervous. I just do.

BWE: You should be more nervous about the show going on air.

Sarah: I know. Right?

BWE: Cause I have heard some things. And the editing on you is not kind. [Laughter.] Tell us some good dirt.

Sarah: What do you want to hear?

BWE: Where are you from?

Sarah: San Francisco. I love San Francisco.

BWE: Are you living there now?

Sarah: Yes.

BWE: Any plans to move here?

Sarah: No. I live with my boyfriend who Iâ€™m still withâ€¦

BWE: You made it!!

Sarah: I made it.

BWE: Wooo! Are you worried about anything on the show coming out and your family seeing it? Cringe-worthy type stuff?

Sarah: Honestly, people look at me, and they think Iâ€™m going to be wild and crazy because I have all the tattoos and the black hair butâ€¦they call me Mother Goose in the house, because I was the one who did the cooking and made sure everyone waited at the red light to cross the street.

BWE: You’re more like Snow White.

Sarah: Yeahâ€¦with the black hair. Anyway, thereâ€™s really nothingâ€¦I didnâ€™t hook up with anyoneâ€¦ I didnâ€™t even do nasty dancinâ€™ with anyone. I was a good girl.

BWE: You’re 23?

Sarah: 22

BWE: How did you like moving into the house?

Sarah: Oh. I was bouncing around. I worked for Gucci for a while and then I was an accounting executive for a hair care line, and also worked as a makeup artist, and all these jobs that I did because they paid the bills, but they were definitely not what I was passionate about and what I wanted to do.

BWE: Youâ€™re so young to have all those jobs already.

Sarah: I started very early so..

BWE: Did you go to college?

Sarah: Well, I graduated high-school when I was like 15-16 and then went straight to junior college and then did a year abroad at Oxford in England. I studied overseas and came back and just wanted a little bit of a break, because I never felt like I got that time. I grew up really fast and I went, you know, straight from high school to college, and I never had a drink until I was legally able to do it. I was responsible, â€œgotta get my work done, gotta get the good grades, gotta move on to the next thingâ€¦blah blah blah.â€

BWE: Was the Real World a chance for you to branch out and do something risky that you hadnâ€™t done before?

Sarah: Yeah, thatâ€™s totally how I took it. I really wanted to be able to go out. I donâ€™t really go to clubs or anything like that. We go to bars sometimes, but you know I wanted to be able to say that I did that. And I never lived with a bunch of people like that too. Iâ€™ve always been kinda independent and did everything on my own. And then I wanted the opportunity to live with people and learn a lot about yourself.

BWE: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Sarah: I went to school to be an art therapist, and I wanted to be an advocate for victims of sexual abuse and, more specifically, children who are victims. Through art therapy I’d be helping them to express themselves. Sometimes they canâ€™t always say thingsâ€¦you know the verbal skillsâ€¦so if you’re able to guide them and coach them…

BWE: You’re making me cry. I love you.

Sarah: Thatâ€™s what [the producers] are going to do. Montage of me crying. I cry when I’m happy. I cried when I got here. I cried when I saw my room. Cause I’m just so happy.

BWE: Which room are you in?

Sarah: The clean one.

BWE: Thatâ€™s my favorite one. Who is your best friend in the house?

Sarah: I think Baya and Katelynn were definitely closest to me. Devon too. Then Scott. The girls were like thick as thieves. The girls were so close and no matter what the guys would tell us, the girls would always stick together and always look out for each other. We were like totally best friends. We had almost daily card games that we would playâ€¦all the girls. And you had spades tournaments and…

BWE: Sounds like a great Real Worldâ€¦

Sarah: Noo! It’s so weird, nobody hooked up, nobody got really trashed or anything crazy. I think itâ€™s a new Real World.

BWE: Harkening back to the old Real World?

Sarah: I think thatâ€™s really what it is. We all are really passionate about what we do. We are all really passionate about something whether it’s something we are advocates about or whether it’s our careers. We are all very driven, and I said to everybody in the house, â€œYou know, regardless of whether or not we were going to be on the show, if we never had this experience, every single one of us would have been successful and would have been able to do what they wanted to do. This just lets us share that story with everybody else.â€

BWE: I’m going to cry again. [Everyone hugs.] What was it like to have cameras all around? Did you interact with them at all?

Sarah: Not at all.

BWE: They filmed you when you slept?

Sarah: I talk in my sleep and there was this one time when I was dreaming that I was taking pictures of Obama and I literallyâ€¦ I remember doing it. As soon as I did it, I fell back asleep and was like oh sh*t, I think I just did that in real life. I picked up my pillow, I sat up and I pretended to take a picture, and I fell back asleep.

BWE: They have cameras on the bed.
s
Sarah:Yeah. The first day that I woke up there were cameras in my faceâ€¦and if I get nervous, I totally laugh, and I just start cracking up and was likeâ€¦â€œThis is so weird.â€

BWE: What were the communal showers like?

Sarah: Well, I wasnâ€™t one of the first ones to get in there cause I wanted to seeâ€¦I made sure to find out how close to the glass you can stand without [anyone seeing].

BWE: Are there cameras in the shower?

Sarah: No.

BWE: What about in the toilet?

Sarah: No. Oh god. But let me tell you, as soon as I left, going to the bathroom without anyone listening to me was the greatest feeling.

BWE: [Whispering.] How do you sh*t here?

Sarah: You just donâ€™t eat Indian food, and make sure you donâ€™t eat anything that makes you â€œblugh.â€

BWE: [Sara] I would try to be as loud as possible. I would make it a competition.

Sarah: Scott was totally loud.

BWE: [Sara] At the end of the day weâ€™re human beings here. Youâ€™re a camera man and youâ€™re waiting outside for me, and Iâ€™m in here. Whoâ€™s going to be more uncomfortable? Him. Cause Iâ€™m going to be as loud as f*cking possible.

Sarah: Scott was the worst, because Scott had this fiber cereal, and I told him that he wasnâ€™t allowed to eat it anymore, because he would stink the whole place up.

BWE: If you could pick a celebrity to be your roommate on the show who would it be and why?

Sarah: Geez. Thatâ€™s a toughy. Somebody really funny. Oh you know who I love? Vince Vaughn, because I think he would be hilarious and he would totally do pranks with us. I think. I donâ€™t know him in real life.

BWE: Where did you go to eat around here? Did they supply food for you or did you guys have to go grocery shopping?

Sarah: We had to go shopping. Fairway was really great. It’s like the grocery shop of my dreams.

BWE: We heard that this season you guys didn’t have a group job asin past seasons. Did you guys have your own personal jobs?

Sarah:I think everyone here had paying jobs except me. Devon got hired. She got a paid internship. Scott was paid for modeling. Baya worked at this liquor place. Chet works there too, and JD did a lot of events like bartending.

BWE: Family guy or Simpsons?

Sarah: I’m gonna go for Family Guy for its recent material, because it’s more up to date.

BWE: Britney or Christina?

Sarah: Britney: Way more fun train wreck to watch but Christina: better success story and hot ass moma.

BWE: Spit or swallow? You donâ€™t have to answer that.

Sarah: Um. Spit. Haha. How about neither because I would never do that and that actually came up in the show. We had a big discussion about that, yeah.

BWE: Neither? What do you mean you would never do that?

Sarah: He better give me ample warning because Iâ€™m not that kind of girl. I need like a tap on the shoulder.

Whats your favorite movie?

Sarah: Toy Story

BWE: Favorite TV show?

Sarah: Ooo. Dexter.

Now We Know How Jean Claude Van Damme Got His Start

Sara Schaefer — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:00:05 +0000

Videogum and FilmDrunk posted this today, and I’d never seen it before, so I’m declaring this the best thing EVER for the next 15 minutes. This video answers the question: how did Jean Claude Van Damme get to be such a badass?

So simple, yet so brilliant. More please.