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14 September
Friday

Sunday Night, Spend the Emmys with Joan Rivers!

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JOAN VELVET1.JPGWhat a week we’ve had! Between trying on various gowns that just scream “Welcome to my home”, to preparing my apartment for the internet camera crew — well, not so much preparing, as locking up the good jewelry — I’m exhausted. I plan on spending all day in bed tomorrow resting, relaxing, sipping some chamomile tea and making mile-long lists of who’s been naughty and who’s been an ass, all in preparation for the big event on Sunday. It’s Emmy time, darlings! And you’re the special guests this year. What are you wearing? And if you say boxers and an undershirt, it looks like you made a wrong turn on your way to hunt for underaged children on Myspace.

This Sunday, we’re covering all the Emmy bases. My daughter Melissa and I will be liveblogging the entire show right here at EmmyswithJoan, as well as bringing you live video commentary, podcasts, and up-to-the-minute slideshows from the red carpet. Until then, spend your fake, easy-earned cash over at BetTheEmmys.com.

So tune in here at Emmys With Joan beginning Sunday evening at 5 PM Eastren/2 PM Pacific, when the Emmy festivities will kick off with a bang!

Posted on September 14th, 2007 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment
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13 September
Thursday

Emmys With Joan: Rooting For the Good Guys

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jr black full -- cwb.JPGSunday night is Emmy night, and while the fashions rule the red carpet, all anyone ends up remembering are the winners. So, as an easy excuse to see what my lovely daughter was up to, I dialed Melissa to discuss which nominees we were rooting for during the telecast. Today, I found Melissa sitting on her bathroom floor, waxing her own legs… I to explain to her that we’re not that poor.

When it comes to this year’s nominees, my daughter and I are almost always on the same page… unless we’re talking about comedies or dramas. That’s where things begin to get hairy. We’re loving 30 Rock’s Alec Baldwin, as he’s one of the only actors that actually eats — if only he’d mistake Stephen for a Philly Cheesesteak one of these days… Melissa loves Tina Fey, but I refuse to give a leg up to any other comedian, so spit three times that she doesn’t win.

We’re liking Jeremy Piven’s chances, as he’s one of the only Jews left in this town who still talks to us. We’re also pulling for Shatner, just because we’re dying to hear that speech. It will either be hilarious, or he’ll confess to drowning his wife, God rest her soul. Ugly Betty’s Vanessa Williams is the complete opposite of the show’s title — the only good-looking one in the cast! Maybe she can turn that Emmy into another Miss America crown, poor thing. Stephen Colbert is one of our favorites: Funny, fresh, and doesn’t take himself too seriously.– best of luck to him!

We always hated Ugly Betty, until we found out Salma Hayek produced it. Do you know who she’s engaged to? François Pinault, who owns Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent and Alexander McQueen. Best of luck to you Salma, my darling, my love, you look fantastic and your baby is going to be extremely gifted and beautiful, we’re sure. Shout out for a discount!

Best Drama has got to go to The Sopranos this year, just to see if James Gandolfini actually breathes that heavy, or if Ryan Seacrest will need an emergency oxygen tank on hand. And for Best Comedy, both Melissa and I are rooting for Entourage, simply because Melissa slept with half the cast, and I once spooned Jeremy Piven for an hour after he mistook me for his mother.

More picks to come, along with our commentary on all things Emmy this Sunday, beginning at 5 PM ET/2 PM PT, only at EmmyswithJoan.com!

Posted on September 13th, 2007 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment
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12 September
Wednesday

Emmys with Joan: Happy Jew Year!

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purple shirt - cwb.JPGIt’s been a very hectic day here over at the Rivers house, dusting and cooking and cleaning and mopping all in anticipation for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. My housekeepers have barely gotten a break all day! God bless em. I, in the meantime, have been lazily sipping away at my mocha frappe, busy planning for Sunday’s Emmy Extravaganza, laying out various gowns on my bed, and picking which ones say “Emmy” and which ones say “Open Casket Funeral”.

I’d like to present a very special feature on the Emmys with Joan site: the VH1 Emmy Markets, the place where you can bet your fake, worthless money on predicting who the big winners will be on Sunday night. I personally have a fake, worthless accountant who handles this kind of thing for me.

Here’s a little reminder we’ve put together of why my name, Joan Rivers, is synonymous with red carpets, awards shows, and all that other Hollywood bullsh*t. Kevin Costner still won’t return my IMs, that cheap bastard.

Don’t forget to spend this coming Sunday, from 5 o’clock on, with me, Joan Rivers, and my lovely daughter Melissa, only at EmmysWithJoan.com. You’d be a fool to be anywhere else.

Posted on September 12th, 2007 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment
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11 September
Tuesday

Emmys with Joan: The Creative Arts Wrap-Up

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EMMYS WITH JOAN 21.JPGWhile none of us have any idea what will happen when Ryan Seacrest takes the stage to host the Emmy Awards on Sunday, they have already handed out the Creative Arts Emmys this past Sunday, otherwise known as the “I Woke Up From My Nap For This?” Awards.

One of my dearest friends, Kathy Griffin, won her first Emmy for her hit Bravo reality series. Congratulations darling! Her acceptance speech took no prisoners, specifically the only Jewish Carpenter to ever exist: “A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. This award is my god now!” Now, the Catholics have their chastity belts in a twist over it. Relax, folks… it’s not like we killed the guy!

Here are just a few others who won statues:

  • Outstanding Casting: Ugly Betty. A very well deserved award. One of the ugliest casts I’ve seen in years.

  • Outstanding Hairstyling: HBO’s Rome. It’s true. Do you know how much hairspray it takes to control your Caesar cut during an orgy?

  • Best Music & Lyrics: Dick in a Box. And yet, no one paid attention a few years back when I released my CD single “Vagina In A Freezer”.

  • Exceptional Merit in Non-fiction Film-making: When The Levees Broke. Congratulations to one of my favorite directors Spike Lee! Hey, it’s not an Oscar… but still, take what you can get.

  • Best Choreography: So You Think You Can Dance? Imagine that. A show about thinking one can dance… winning a choreography Emmy. I tried out for the show, but they told me I was too professional.

  • Sadly, Kanye West did not win even a single Emmy. But don’t fret Kanye… there’s always next year to not win something again!

Check in tomorrow and all week for more Emmy coverage! And don’t forget to join me and my daughter Melissa during Sunday evening’s ceremony at EmmyswithJoan.com!

(Photo credit: Charles William Bush)

Posted on September 11th, 2007 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment
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10 September
Monday

Emmys with Joan: Screw It, I’m Staying Home!

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joan emmy pic.JPGHello, my darlings! Joan Rivers here, blogging for the first time in my short adult life.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why is Joan Rivers blogging?” Good question. My doctor told me blogging was what happened after eating too many bananas. But blogging is so much more — it’s sitting alone in a dark room, eating raw cookie dough out of the package while my dogs lick my bare feet, and wondering where my life has gone. Melissa, my daughter, love her to death, but the bitch never calls unless I threaten to update my will.

The next logical question is, “What should I blog about?” Well, I believe that old adage that you should write what you know. And what I know is that in less than a week, hundreds of starving celebrities will be dragging their skeletal remains down the red carpet for the 59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. I’ve been there for at least 57 of those 59 years, and frankly, the thought of standing out there in the sun screaming, “Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?” would drench me with sweat… if only the Botox would allow it.

So here I am! In the comfort of my own home. All week leading up to the Emmys, I’ll be blogging my thoughts on the upcoming ceremony, and on the big night, my lovely daughter Melissa and I will be online, chatting with you and uploading thousands of photos from the red carpet only seconds after they’re snapped. And since this is the internet, and since most celebrities can barely read much less use a computer, I can finally get to say all the dirty and disgusting thoughts that those old-fashioned TV networks never let me get away with. As the evening wears on, Melissa and I will also be appearing in something called “Podcasts,” which I’m praying is some type of body-transplant surgery.

So join me, Joan Rivers, next Sunday evening for all of my Emmy coverage at EmmyswithJoan.com, and all this week for my exclusive blogging blog things. I may be staying at home, but I’m not staying quiet!

And now, an exclusive sneak peak at some of the fun to come Sunday night!

Posted on September 10th, 2007 | Permalink
Categories: Entertainment
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