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Dan Hopper's Archive

10 February
Friday

13 People You Can’t Believe Won A Grammy

With the 2012 Grammy Awards upon us and everyone already thrilled for the big Beach Boys / Foster The People / Maroon 5 reunion (finally!), let’s take a second to remind ourselves of something we all already know and complain about every year: The Grammys are, without a doubt, the weirdest and most arbitrary awards show in the entire entertainment world.

To re-prove this time-tested theory, we’ve scoured Grammy’s checkered past and compiled some of its most bizarre winners in a desperate search of some meaning for this odd gramophonic statue. From the awesomely-random to the just flat-out terrible, here’s a list of 13 People You Can’t Believe Won A Grammy:

1. Zach Braff

Without rehashing the internet’s eminent disdain for Garden State, let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that an actual physical golden gramophone was given to Zach Braff for being the “compilation producer” of the third-date-mix that was the Garden State Soundtrack. Nothing against the actual music, but if burning Nick Drake onto cds to impress people is award-worthy, most of us earned that Lifetime Achievement Award by sophomore year of college.

2. Mikhail Gorbachev

The former Head of the Soviet Union won a “Best Spoken Word Album for Children” Grammy for his contribution to a 2004 recording of Peter And The Wolf, though it might’ve been a make-up win after his failure to be recognized for having inspired a decade of award-worthy hilarity from Yakov Smirnoff.

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10 February
Friday

Nicolas Cage Finally Responds To Vampire Rumors On Letterman

You’ve seen the Nicolas Cage 1870s photo, and you’ve read our subsequent overwhelming evidence that Nicolas Cage is a vampire and been like “I thought that was a joke but now I kind of literally believe this because it makes complete sense.”

Last night, Nic Cage appeared on Letterman to finally break his LEGENDARY SILENCE on the topic of his own vampirism, and in the process, just convinced us even further:

10 February
Friday

DJ French Bulldog Is In The (Dog) House!

Here’s an exceptionally talented and hilariously indifferent French Bulldog showing off its mad DJ skills alongside its companion (a human DJ – booooring) in this adorable and fake-seeming-but-who-cares double-DJ scratch-off. This is literally the first time in ten years where a DJ started scratching a record and I didn’t roll my eyes.

Any idea what nights this guy spins? Cause I’m totally there. Nah, nah, it’s cool, bouncer, you can let me in, I know the skiing dogs from the Subaru commercial

(via Neatorama)

10 February
Friday

The Amazing Spider-Man Is So Much Better With Jean-Ralphio

Ever notice that Social Network co-star and new Spider-Man Andrew Garfield kind of looks like Jean-Ralphio (Ben Schwartz) from Parks And Recreation? The folks at Collegehumor have, and took that as enough license to create this random but excellent remixed Amazing Spider-Man trailer starring Jean-Ralphio, and charitably released it on a week without a new actual Parks & Rec episode (urge to kill…faaading…)

I’m not being blogger-facetious when I say I am literally more interested to watch this entire movie than to see Spider-Man again. What if we replaced J. Jonah Jameson with Ron Swanson and Mary Jane with Leslie Knope and also it wasn’t Spider-Man at all but a Parks & Rec movie? It can still be 3-D, just make that happen:

9 February
Thursday

5 Scenes From Home Alone Remade With Macaulay Culkin’s New Face

This somewhat horrifying photo of Macaulay Culkin appeared online today, raising some concern for the actor’s well-being, but Culkin’s camp has since assured the worried internet that the actor is in perfect health.

Since that’s cleared up, let’s play a game: What would the movie Home Alone look like if it were starring Current-Face Macaulay Culkin? It might go uhhhhhlitttle something…like this:

1.

2.

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9 February
Thursday

Tokyo Police Battle A Pretend Rhino And It’s For-Real Great

Here’s a video of security officers and police at the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo practicing an “Animal Escape Drill,” meaning, they pretend to square off with a human-operated papier-mâché rhinoceros that pretends to run amok and pretends to gorge an unfortunate officer (who only had one day left before pretend-retirement). If that sounds like the Japannest thing you’ve ever heard, watch the video, because it’s even more that than you’re expecting.

This is just some quality internetting right here. Put down that Dickens novel you weren’t reading and spend the next minute with Rhiny:

(Arbroath, via Videogum)

9 February
Thursday

Top Chef Recap: Mentors! The Freshmaker

It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 14 entitled “Mentors”, and it’s the final episode before the Finale, which is between 2 and 7 episodes long, we’re never quite sure. We ARE sure of two things that will happen in the Finale:

1) Padma will say “Here’s some helping hands that you mayyyyy recognizeeeee…” and the Last 4 Eliminated Chefs will re-enter followed by a fake-tearful reunion, and…

2) Paul wins. Seriously, this season should be called Top Bloodbath, if that name weren’t already taken by a TLC reality show about a blood bank owned by a crazy family (Grandma Edna the after-donation cookie-baker is my favvvv!!!)

Before the Quickfire, Bravo finally reveals the winner of Last Chance Kitchen – will it be Beverly, or will it be Grayson’s Dateline Re-Enactment actress:

We know it’s going to be Beverly because she shouldn’t have lost in the first place and we know Bravo isn’t gonna introduce this whole big new side-feature just to have Grayson come back one week later and render last week’s episode obsolete. OR WILL TH-nah, they won’t.

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9 February
Thursday

Pizza Hut Offers $10,000 “Proposal And Dinner Box” Valentine’s Day Special

Are you planning to propose next week on Valentine’s Day, but just haven’t found the right way to incorporate your love of Pizza Hut into your pledge of eternal loving commitment? YOU ARE IN LUCK, Sir or Madam!

Pizza Hut is currently offering a “Tie The Knot With The Dinner Box” package, where customers can purchase a ruby ring and an evening of elegance AND a $10 Dinner Box (also elegant) for the slightly-steep-for-Huts-that-serve-pizza cost of $10,010:

For $10,010, Customers Get: A Red Ruby Ring, Limo Service, Flowers, Fireworks Show, Videographer, Photographer, and a $10 Dinner Box. Other than the ring being made of ruby instead of being made of another dinner box, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this offer, and may in fact take them up on it and finally plan that proposal to myself (I like having leftovers).

(via Eater)

8 February
Wednesday

Spaceballs Comes True: Syrian President’s Hacked Password Was 1-2-3-4-5

To everyone who’s ever been frustrated when your work email forces you to change your password every couple months, listen up, because this story is effing hilarious:

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has been under fire from world leaders to step down this week. He’s also under fire from hacktivist group Anonymous, who leaked hundreds of his office’s emails on Monday.

While Anonymous is infamous for its hacking know-how, it doesn’t take a genius computer programmer to guess one of the passwords commonly used by Assad’s office accounts: 12345. The string of consecutive numbers is the second-weakest password according to a 2011 study.

That’s right – the Syrian President’s office literally used “1-2-3-4-5″, the very same password infamously used by both King Roland and President Skroob in the movie Spaceballs as an example of a terrible password a quarter-century ago.

Below, watch the Spaceballs “combination” scene, which seemed like an exaggeration of presidential stupidity at the time:

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8 February
Wednesday

Behold, The Ultimate Patrick Stewart / Liam Neeson Showdown

Here’s Patrick Stewart and Liam Neeson appearing on The Graham Norton Show for a showdown of eminently likeable veteran UK actors, to be settled the only way a Picard / Qui-Gon battle could be: By figuring out which actor has the cooler action figure.

There’s something extra-amusing about having two highly accomplished serious actors on the same show only to spend the time playing with 10-year-old plastic toys. It’s just surreal that you can all now witness my recurring dream when I was 13 about me and Captain Picard playing with action figures:

Best part of the video? The Patrick Stewart double-face-palm:

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