Anyway, you can still read things I write on my own blog: www.noahgarfinkel.com or follow me on Twitter: @noahgarfinkel. I use both of those platforms to mainly write about commercials or how I accidentally brushed my teeth with cortisone cream.

I have greatly enjoyed my time here at BWE.tv with Michelle, Dan, and Sarah. They are — all three of them — very funny people who are excellent at g-chatting; I will miss working with them. I have also very much enjoyed the wonder that is blogging from home. It’s so great! In case you were wondering what it’s like to have this job, I have made this following reenactment of every post that has been published by any blogger from their home. It is my goodbye present to you.

(Reenactment after the jump.)

So, imagine that every time you read a blog post. Goodbye, everyone! I like you!

In that spirit, let us present to you this video that very competently explains all that is Cinco De Mayo. Produced a few years ago, this comprehensive history of the holiday can be a useful tool in classrooms.

Good luck tonight, you guys. And remember: If you’re going to drive drunk, don’t do it! #IneffectiveSlogans

Thanks, Space Ghetto. (Visit the site at your own peril. For the most part, It’s terrifying.)

Yesterday, a picture of Bristol Palin started going around the internet in which she looks, you know…weird.

So, inevitably people have started wondering if she got some plastic surgery done on her face. The same thing happened with Bristol’s mother, Sarah Palin, back in June when people thought she got breast implants. At the time, I made the same argument:

I’m no breast expert, but one of the few things I know about them is that sometimes they look bigger than they do at other times.  That’s how you end up sleeping with your friends.  There was no brand new chemistry the two of you felt that night at the bar; the female one of you just wore a halter top.  That’s how that works.

So, please. Let’s stop this whole genre of thing where, when somebody applies different makeup or puts on a new dress, we ask if they had surgery. It’s much more likely they just look weird.

And, frankly, it is immensely unfair to keep putting people in a position where they have to defend the Palins. No one wants to have to do that.

Palin image from Buzzfeed.

Now, let’s each go off to our own private place and sate all of our basest space-sh*t curiosities. From National Geographic’s Known Universe:

So, now we know. What a relief, what an enormous weight lifted. This unbelievable lightness… It feels almost as if… this must be what it’s like after you sh*t in space.

Regular Mode:

Zombie Mode:

While we were at first skeptical that it would be possible to fulfill your specification that the house have “only one entrance located on the second floor after crossing a drawbridge,” it turns out, as you can see here, that this home will in fact fit those parameters when in Zombie Mode.

We strongly recommend you click here to read more information. You will be quite happy with the details.

BWE Real Estate looks forward to finalizing this deal with you.

-BWE Real Estate

(Thanks to All That Is Interesting for the story and to @Ashfrieds for the tip.)

What is going on here? We can only assume there was some sort of situation like at the end of Ghostbusters with the Stay Puft Marshmallow monster. Presumably, Nickelodeon was told by an evil spirit to “chose the form” of their promoter, and the head guy couldn’t help having David Hasselhoff enter his mind. “You have chosen.” The evil spirit then said. “What did you just do?!?” all of Nickelodeon yelled at the head guy. “I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there!” he responded. And just like that, David Hasselhoff appeared as the nightmarish celebrity promoter for a British children’s amusement park.

Who do you think is more disappointed in themselves: David Hasselhoff or Nickelodeon? It’s a close call.

Thanks, Splash News.

Conan, since he started out on Late Night on NBC, had never had a beard. He grew out his sideburns at one point, but that didn’t count. Then, after just seven months as host of the Tonight Show, there was this whole debacle with NBC and Jay Leno, and Conan left TV. Everyone was very sad about it. But then Conan returned to TV on TBS. Everyone was so excited. But, also, Conan had this new beard. He was like, “I grew this beard, aren’t you super pumped?!?!” And everyone was like, “…Wellllll….” Eventually Will Ferrell starting making threats about coming on the show and making Conan shave. Then, last night, Will Ferrell actually came on the show and actually shaved Conan’s beard.

Here is that:

Then during the commercial, they got the rest of the beard off. And now Conan looks like a normal human being again.

GOOD JOB, EVERYONE! Everyone. It feels like we, as a society, willed this to happen. USA! USA! There is no other thing in recent history that has brought us together more than this talking dog video. What a nation wide catharsis. Whoo! Are you guys still jacked up? No way we’re going to be able to fall asleep tonight. Let’s all just enjoy this. You want to also give credit to George W. Bush for the dog talking video? Fine! Whatever you want! It doesn’t matter, let’s just all be happy about it for little.

Thanks, The Best Of YouTube.

The issue of Bin Laden and 9/11 is something that most of us came to understand only by way of living through it and absorbing the ensuing onslaught of information that followed as we all sat staring into our TVs. Our knowledge of 9/11 feels more like instinct than a body of facts that had to be learned. So, how do we translate this knowledge that seems so inherent in us to somebody for whom the story can only be an intangible history lesson? One way some teachers are trying to do it is by showing their students this following video produced by an organization called BrainPOP. The video was just updated yesterday to include Bin Laden’s death.

It is a cartoon, and there is a beeping robot in it, but it’s profoundly sterile and efficient.

Andy Dick smirks in his mugshot after being arrested at a restaurant in Temecula, California for allegedly being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The 45-year-old comic was listed on the booking sheet as 5ft 10in and weighing 155lbs. He was apparently at 9.20pm on May 2 at a Marie Callenders, not a restaurant chain known as a celebrity hotspot.

The big story here is obviously the reminder that Marie Callenders is a restaurant. That’s always fun to remember. It gives you hope that Totino’s will open up a pizza roll stand.

But, also, Andy Dick looks like a respectable middle aged man all of the sudden. Granted, he is under arrest, so something not that respectable is clearly going on. But, just going on appearances, it looks like he’s going to be okay forever now. Let’s all go celebrate! You guys wanna meet up at the Sunny D Bar?

Below are two women who learned this lesson.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

I think Kriss Kross has a new favorite dog and/or video!

Thanks, The High Definite.

Perhaps a cautious kudos is in order. Good for her! Unless this is something we should be concerned about! This is getting uncomfortable. How about a really quick dumb joke thing?

Good. That’s better. Terrible. But, better.

Thanks, The Daily Mail and Ms. Walker for the tip.

Now, I know it seems a little macabre, but how great would it be if they made a Kids React To Osama Bin Laden’s Death video? What do kids think about Osama Bin Laden dying?! Did they also leave their place at midnight to grab snacks and liquor? We all want to know.

Thanks, the Fine Brothers.

Anyway, this is probably the only time in your life when it will be socially acceptable to unabashedly celebrate someone’s grisly death, so try to really enjoy it. Also enjoy this internety thing someone made within 2 hours of Obama‘s speech ending.

Thanks, The Daily What.

So that’s the trailer for that movie! It seems a whole lot like the first one but with a little bit of moon at the beginning. Also, “Dark of The Moon?” Guys, you can say “side.” Just call it Dark Side Of The Moon. No one is going to confuse a Michael Bay movie with a Pink Floyd album. One of them is something stoned teenagers want to “experience,” and the other… Wait, no that makes sense. Good call removing “side,” movie guys.

Thanks, Video Gum.

(Slightly not safe for work.)

This video is likely to solve all types of problems. Bullying, hate crimes, domestic abuse, nonconstructive criticism — all problems soon to be in the past. They should play this in schools every morning.

All I really need to know I learned from a 16 second internet video.

Thanks, The Daily What.

Not safe for work or big oil.

Sounds like a good plan! I’m pretty sure Donald Trump saying that is why the Coke machines at the VH1 offices on Hudson still cost only 50 cents. So it should totally work on oil. All anyone has to do is tell… well, he doesn’t specify who exactly you tell this to. Josh Opec maybe. That’s probably an important oil guy.

Josh Opec: I’m gonna raise that f*ckin’ price. What are your thoughts on that?

Donald Trump: You’re not gonna raise that f*ckin’ price, you understand me?!

Josh Opec: Oh. Wow. Yes! I do understand you.

So, that’s how that would probably go. Oh also, this speech took place at the Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas, so let’s all take this very seriously please.

There just aren’t enough positive tags you could attach to this post.

But if, by chance, you have some other reason to be awake at 4 AM on Friday morning, there are many other other things you can watch on TV. A quick look through your cable guide menu will reveal a whole ton of stuff you’d way rather see at that hour than a royal wedding.

1.

Because “shafts” isn’t capitalized, we can assume this isn’t about a bunch of dudes actually dressed like Shaft. And that’s a bit disappointing. But still… way better than a wedding.

2.

If you were looking for the opposite of a Prince getting married, this is it.

3.

This is a really great thing to put on because, if someone happens to walk in the room while you’re watching it, there’s no way they’re going to feel comfortable asking you to change the channel. “Ugh, can you turn off the genocide movie so we can watch a woman instantly become a titled millionaire?” Not going to happen.

4.

Is this a Mexican Sex In The City? Finding out sounds like a much more worthwhile way to spend your early morning hours.

5.

Brainetics! This may or may not be about Scientologist arithmetic. Either way, it sounds like good TV.

6.

A new concept in hair removal clearly beats out an old concept in monarchical baby making.

7.

Rails AND roads?! It’s hard to tell which thing is more more interesting than the royal wedding.

8.

Well, this is just straight up a good show. Awesome to watch any time.

9.

Korean Bowling vs. British Marriage. Easy choice.

10.

It’s a music channel, so you’d probably just be staring at a blank screen. But at least with this, there would be a chance you’d get to hear Raffi. Good luck trying to achieve that at Westminster Abbey.

Well, now it looks like we’re not even going to be able to watch the wedding later. Sorry, Will and Kate. Our DVRs are going to be FULL.

Computers should come with a backspace that works on Karl Lagerfield‘s life.

From Gawker:

Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld doesn’t go anywhere without his traveling companion and muse Baptiste Giabiconi. Now he’s reserved a very interesting honor for the comely young man: Uncle Karl has sculpted the boy in chocolate… The work debuted today in Paris, where Karl is hoping to promote ice cream brand Magnum.

On a gayness scale, a life-size chocolate sculpture of your model boy toy might actually fall below naming your ice cream brand after condoms for enormous penises. But it’s a very close gay call.

I can’t even imagine what a straight version of this would be. Maybe a sculpture of Jessica Biel made out of steak to promote a restaurant called Computer Porn? But that’s actually a little reminiscent of Lady Gaga‘s meat dress which is just gay all over again. We need to get a think tank working on this.

Thanks for the heads up, Sarah Walker.

It’s sort of like 60 Minutes, but for the radio, and with fewer old people more focus on science. You end up learning about things you had no idea you wanted to learn about. Did you know there’s a condition that can make you think you’re moving at normal speed when, in fact, it is taking you a couple of hours just to wipe your nose? Did you know that once there was a pond that was so toxic that it killed geese, but then the bacteria from the dead geese’ butth*les somehow cleaned everything up, and now it’s a nontoxic pond? There’s no way you knew those things. But you would have if you listened to Radiolab.

Anyway, once in a while Radiolab will produce a short video that they put online as a supplement to their show. Here is the most recent one. It is called Symmetry, and it will make you feel things.

Thanks, Best of YouTube.

Here’s a fun game you can play while watching it: Look for how many times the no-nose bad guy dude sounds like he’s yelling “Yeaaaaaaaaah!” when he’s in all likelihood supposed to be upset.

The Harry Potter And The Deathy Hollows Part II Trailer:

Harry Potter: Let’s finish this the way we started it: Togethah!
Voldemort: Yeaaaaaaaaaah!

These guys are super pumped to finish this together.

Anyway, the answer is Four. Four times it sounds like Voldemort is yelling “Yeaaaaaaaaah!” Maybe he had a high-school-girl-in-an-audience spell put on him. “Excite-iarmus Teenagegirlious!”

Dreamworks and Pixar about to get in a fist fight over this.

Thanks, The Daily What.

Original Image from Splash.

Everything still checks out and makes sense in regards to the show’s opening sequence.

So, yeah, those kids in the beginning part are old enough to actually talk themselves. And they probably sound nothing like Tony Danza. But, let’s not worry about that right now. Let’s just remember that this was a thing and it happened.

These a-peeling sculptures are sure to make you go bananas – with the faces of Elvis and Davey Jones from Pirates of The Caribbean. The detailed works of fruity art are carved with a toothpick and a spoon. Each piece is completed fast, before the bananas start to rot.

First off, two word plays in one sentence… nice. And, seemingly, you guys are among a very select group of people who get to see these pictures because they came with the very clear instructions, “Usage: NO AUSTRALIA, BELGIUM, CHINA, DENMARK, ESTONIA, FINLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, HUNGARY, ITALY, POLAND, PORTUGAL, ROMANIA, RUSSIA, SPAIN, SWEDEN, UKRAINE, UNITED KINGDOM.” Hahaha, Europe is so screwed, you guys!

If you’re worried that there might not be a whole ton of these, you can seriously relax. We’ve got 13 to go after this one.

Even the peel looks like an actual thing Elvis would wear.

Get outta here, Dr. Moist Head. Ya gross.

Dude, you got some of your face, like… on your face.

He breathes Nutella.

Dad?

Uhh, can a banana statue be racist? (If you can’t tell which race this looks like, you are a very good person.)

Someone’s a little upset about eventually being pudding.

This may or may not be the Simpsons Grandma.

B’nanned up on ‘roids.

Nope, any non banana material is cheating. Disqualified.

We’re all sexually attracted to this one, right?

Imagine how scary her banana house must be.

Someone’s about to get laaaaaaaid!

This man, Eric Calderone, however, might have just done a better version of Careless Whisper on metal guitar. It is really great.

Long Black Hair: Check

Black Guitar: Check

Black Tee shirt: Check

Wham Song: Yes, sure, nobody can think of a reason why not.

Pre-Song Wink: Frankly, we can do without it.

Thanks, The High Definite.

Guys, it’s Double Dream Feet.

Obviously, Rubber Legs was and still is great. But the guy waited for us all to graduate before he started teaching the Carlton Dance. Come on, guy. Double Disappointed Face over here.

Thanks, The Daily What.

There is an upcoming TMBG (not Teenage Mutant Binja Gurtles) album to be released soon, and today four tracks have become available for download on iTunes. So go download those. Or don’t download those. But at least remember when Tiny Toons used to do their own music videos for They Might Be Giants, and how, for those few minutes, you would like Tiny Toons as much as Animaniacs.

Oh, and real quick, there should be an all girl band like the Indigo Girls that sings about this kind of stuff, and they should be called They Might Be ‘Ginas. Sorry. Here’s a song about the sun that TMBG did for Nickelodeon.

Learning is fun. Also Buzzfeed is fun.

I think we all used to be under the impression that bathrooms were reserved for rats and snakes that climb up through the toilet. Those days of presumed safety are over. MSNBC just did a story on a Florida woman, Alexis Dunbar, who arrived home to find a 7 foot alligator in — as you’ve surely guessed by now — her bathroom

So here’s a question: What’s up with using the table to keep the alligator cordoned off? There is a door literally attached to the bathroom. Doors are better alligator blockers than tables. I know the door opens inward and you’d have to reach in to close it. But still. That’s a bridge table. Sometimes those aren’t even effective as snack holders.

Thanks, Huffpost Green Section.