There it was, in all its glory: Adam’s cocked head, the fingerless lambskin gloved hand grazing his buttery cheek, the gaze that says (whispered) “Put me in your CD player and listen to me gurl.” And so I did. A dramatic reenactment of my opening of the CD:

Before I even popped the CD in, I had the rare opportunity to actually flip through the liner notes, a luxury since most people went the way of digital downloads. It smells like a High School Yearbook from the minor planet Lambertini (an actual planet!), and features a variety of Lambert poses range from “steely intensity” to “Ludwig van Gaythoven“.

OK Listening time. Follow me on my journey as I liveblog listening to “For Your Entertainment.”

1. Music Again. Starts off with a fun industrial NIN beat, then quickly forks out into Queen and Mika territory. It’s exactly the fun, over-the-top rock opera sort of music Lambert’s fans were white knuckling to the heavens for. We can see Adam performing this live while wearing leather stilts, two Nintendo Powergloves, conducting a lightning orchestra with his mind. Also, it’s about sex. Having sex and listening to music.

2. For Your Entertainment. I’ll admit, the first time I heard the song, I knew it was going to take some getting used to. And perhaps it’s the black tar caffeine coursing through my veins at the moment, or the fact that I’m listening to the final produced version, but it sounds muuuuuuchhhhh betttttter. It’ll be a fun drunk club song, and even funner if said club happens to have laser beams and a smoke machine.

3. Whataya Want From Me. I automatically like this song because of the “cool” “hip” “young” spelling of the first word. Though I’m sure a few quick Census searches will prove that there are at least a dozen people living in these United States who respond to the name “Whataya.” The song was written by P!nk and my favorite Swede out of a chef’s hat, Max Martin, who has basically written every song you’ve ever loved. And in terms of Martin’s oeuvre, I would put “Whataya Want From Me” somewhere between “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” and “Hit Me Baby One More Time” in terms of “Songs I Want Played at My Funeral.” My only critique of the song is that it sounds suuuuper over-produced, to the point where the background music almost takes over the vocals. But I’m only saying that cause I’m a bitch. It’s good.

4. Strut. Oh sh*t, son. It’s struttin’ time:

This is a big ol’ gay anthem for struttin’, meaning, in other words, it’s amazing. And look! American Idol judge Kara DioGuardia wrote it with Adam! Bikini-flaunting aside, she has talent, imagine. I — nay, the world — would like to thank both Kara & Adam for penning/singing this song, as now we have a new theme song to listen to while mowing down people on New York City streets. We’re also loving the “Karma Police” like dream break at 2:20. The song is great: Catchy, has a great hook, is about dramatic walking. A+

5. Soaked. Let’s kick this off with an appropriate GIF, shall we?

OK, I am already getting teary because Muse’s Matthew Bellamy wrote this tune. I know I’m only 5 songs in, but I’m declaring it my favorite on the album. Lambert is probably the only person on the planet who can do a Muse song justice, as his voice has the same amount of crazy, godly power as Bellamy’s. Without being too dramatic, this song is the scene in Titanic where the boat breaks in 2 and all the people die, i.e. epic. And the best part about it? Your Mothers will also love it. Just tell them it’s Julio Iglesias and they will probably not even know the difference. Moms!

6. Sure Fire Winners. Not great, not bad. It’s cute, and will probably be a big hit in whatever country wins the World Cup. One of those songs that is annoyingly catchy due to the simple chorus and sheer repetition. Chances are, whether you like it or not, this is what you’ll be humming in the shower after listening to the album.

7. A Loaded Smile. Ohhh what’s this dreamy opening sequence about… oh and Adam’s falsetto… y’all, I jus’ might need to take a bubble bath in the VH1 executive bathroom while listening to this jam. Sorry, Luther V. and Calgon, but I do believe “A Loaded Smile” will be the only thing to “take me away” exclusively for the remainder of the year. This song is like slipping into a mink coat on Christmas morning while tucking your cold feet under the dog: It’s cozy as helllll. And the last line, “A loaded smile, an empty glass, and one last dance” is what I’d officially like emblazoned on my headstone.

8. If I Had You. This song is like “A Recipe to make Lambert.” Leather, Boots, Eyeliner, Strut, Stripper Heels. Shake well and serve. Truly, the only way to enjoy this jam is topless, in leather boyshorts, on a stage, pouring tequila into the mouths of babes. Seeing as this set up is nearly impossible at my workplace, let’s just settle on agreeing that it’s a fun, poppy jam that’s not gonna hurt anyone, and will probably get you drunk. I also wouldn’t say no to a super Romanian 1989 Disco Remix of “If I Had You.”

9. Pick U Up. Nice to see Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo credited as one of the writers of the song. “Pick U Up” does just that — it put a smile on my face. I want to regraduate high school to it, laughing while running down a hill in my cap and gown. Adam’s voice on this track is OUTSTANDING, and plays into his dramatic musical theater roots a little, which to us is always a good thing.

10. Fever. Me in the first 3 seconds of this song:

(For real, he is bopping exactly to the beat.) Of course, this is the song penned by Lady Gaga, or, as her driver’s license refers to her, Stefani Germanotta. Uch, this song is the best, and I’m not just saying that because I want Gaga and Lambert to have a baby who I will then hold above my head on the top of a mountain like Simba in The Lion King while 500,000 gay men weep beneath me. What? Yes. I’ll go ahead and call that this will be the biggest hit on the album.

11. Sleepwalker. The word sleepwalker brings about many memories. On the one hand, you’ve got probably my favorite Honeymooners episode of all time “The Sleepwalker.” What? No one here is my age (78)? I see. Well, it’s a good one. On the other soul-sucking-paw-hand, it reminds me of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers, a movie about soul-sucking-cat-people. Happy to report that Lambert’s “Sleepwalker” falls on the un-nightmarey side of the fence.

12. Aftermath. This is one of the few tracks on the album that feel super American Idol-y to me. It has the vague aroma of an Idol finale song, and a pretty average backing track that just feels way too familiar. A nice song, sure, but it’s like at the point in the bath where the water’s gone warm, and you’re too lazy to lean up and pour some hot water back into it, so you kind of just sit there in the coldish water trying to convince yourself it’s fine. And then, exactly 4:26 seconds later, you can’t take it anymore. And luckily there’s a new song! “Aftermath” is a’ight, and will probably appeal to those Kris Allen crossover fans.

13. Broken Open. This is beautiful. It’s got spacey soul. Not Kevin Spacey’s soul, thankfully, we all know American Airlines and Honda bought that sh*t up years ago. This song is relaxing and quite beautiful. It reminds me of another band… R.E.M.’s later work maybe? Keane? Years of Appletinis have simply burned a hole in my brain, so let’s just say that “Broken Open” sounds like the solar system’s heartbeat. That clears things up, right? Great.

14. Time For Miracles. This song from the movie 2012, added to FYE as a “bonus track,” has been on my Ipod since its release, and it’s definitely grown on me these past few weeks. It’s a great movie anthem, especially for a film about, you know, the end of the world blah etc. yadda et al. x ∞.

“For Your Entertainment” is a more than worthy debut album, replete with a wide variety of sounds — an artistry I found surprising given that it is produced by the American Idol Sausage Factory. Fans of Lambert will not be disappointed. But for those of you who

Here is an imagined conversation which we guess took place only minutes before the above snapshot was taken, between Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester and her “friend”:

Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester: How do I look?
Leighton Meester’s Friend: Hot.
Leighton Meester: Seriously?
Leighton Meester’s Friend: Hot.
Leighton Meester: You don’t think… you don’t think it looks like I… (British accent) pooped out me v-hole?
Leighton Meester’s Friend: You look hot.
Leighton Meester: These pants don’t look poo-riod stained?
Leighton Meester’s Friend: Stop. You look uhhhmeeeyyyyzzzziiiinggggg.
Leighton Meester: Ok, then… guess I’ll wear them.

Thus ending the tale of Leighton Meester and her Poopy Vag Pants. A photo of Leighton performing in these PP-V-P’s at the American Eagle Store Opening in Times Sq. ahead! (Via Allie Is Wired)

They actually look worse when she’s singing somehow.

On the top of my agenda for 2010? GET INVITED TO LARRY KING’S BIRTHDAY PARTY. Look at these lucky f**kers: Don Johnson (in the little red hat, left); Ryan Seacrest (in the feathery headpiece, Bob Mackie probably, middle); and bday boy Larry King (small red hat, faraway stare, right). Seacrest’s Twitter tells us it was an “Old Western” theme. More like Ancient Western! Tip your waitresses.

(ps Seacrest’s profile pic = adorable.)

A news broadcast from Brazil brings us interview footage of Miss Gay Brazil, a beautiful, tall Leona Lewis lookalike, who clearly muss have some sorta attitude problem as another transvestite — a losing transvestite — rolls up behind her like so many Roombas and grabs her wig AND crown off in one of the most bold hair-snatchings the world has seen or will ever see. To Miss Gay Brazil’s credit, she looks beautiful with our without her weave. Also, as much as we’re laughing and loving, that sh*t had to hurt.

(via our source for all tranny wig snatchings, DListed.)

Ballads are stories set to music, he explains, and our Glee-some group is going to have to team up to sing a ballad together at upcoming sectionals. But due to your classic spider-in-ear foul up, one of the unidentifiable Glee members is out, meaning Mr. Schue has to team up with someone. Here is how our teams pair up:

Puck + Mercedes = Fireworks.
Artie + Quinn = Adore.
Finn + Kurt = Worthy of a Showercam.
Rando Cheerleader 1 + Rando Cheerleader 2 = Too perfect.
And of course
Rachel + Mr. Schue = Bad news.

She forces her teacher to sing “Endless Love” with her, while she dons her Benny Hill hat and chases him around the piano. Rachel’s face turns into tractor beam of patheticness — the only way we can describe it is it’s never looked Rachelier — while Will does his killer Robert De Niro impression:

It’s also worth noting that the piano player simply steals the scene with the joy beam emanating from his heart. And while Rachel and Will do a fantastic job singing/lip-syncing the most romantic jam of all time, they could still learn a thing or two from this guy:

Quinn is being fitted for her “Chastity Ball” dress, by her mother who originated on the set of Designing Women, Episode 41 “The Incredibly Elite Bona Fide Blue-Blood Beaumont Driving Club.” But Quinn’s dress is a bit tight around the mid-section, where another tiny person happens to be growing inside of her. Quinn blames it on a burrito, and we gotta say we have definitely been there. I’ve eaten burritos so big I’m forced to wear a nursing bra to work the next day. The mother blames her lack of cheering and penchant for showtunes for the weight gain, saying you don’t burn that many calories singing. And dare I take a moment to disagree —

Quinn’s father likes Glenn Beck. As such, he is a d*ck-q-tip. The actor, played by John Heard’s more evil twin, asks about that boy she’s been dating. Which one, Pops? Your lil’ ladies been getting it from multiple sources. It goes without saying, Quinn is definitely f*cked, but not in the fun way.

Rachel gives Mr. Schue a tie with a treble clef and gold stars on it, from the Luther Vandross Gospel Collection. It’s smart looking, and a tasteful choice. This brings back a flood of memories for Will, who we learn has been the object of many a school girls’ attention before… but no one more terrifying than Susie Pepper. Susie, a plain looking girl with glasses and an outfit furnished by Chico’s David Koresh Collection, sprinkles Schue with love hints all the livelong day, even giving him a necktie covered in peppers… “so you can wear them and think of me… Susie Pepper.” She also calls him at home, and officially becomes the first Glee character more terrifying than Will’s own wife. Dare we say, she’s more terrifying than BRIAN PEPPERS (click at your own risk.)

Teach tells Suze it will never work out, and while we briefly sympathize with her choice of “More Than Words” as a comfort song, we lose all sympathy when she pulls the world’s hottest pepper out of a jar and eats it. Here is a dramatic reenactment of said events by Homer Simpson in some unidentifiable language:

Kurt is singing with love of his life Finn. Yet another Glee love triangle! This show will not be constrained by age or gender, America, so deal with it. After briefly trying to convince Finn that girls are the real enemy, he tells him to sing “I’ll Stand By You” to his little girl in the audience to let her know his true feelings. Kurt sits at the piano — “Thank God I never missed a piano lesson” acting as reason enough that he knows the chords — and so we begin this shows theme: Singing songs to get a real message across.

Oh Finn. Singing. Such a sweet, cute guy. Who should just not be forced to do this. The camera cuts between him pinching a loaf on stage to him, sweetly, singing to the sonogram on his fly Apple laptop. His Mom catches him, and it’s probably the only thing worse than his Mom walking in on him masturbating… singing to his unborn baby. Finn’s Mom is awesome, wears a denim patchwork vest, and cradles her hot jock son in her arms as they both weep. She’s probably on 8 years older than him in real life, but for this moment, we will let reality slide and get a little sad.

We’re treated to a sweet Kurt/Finn montage: Finn saving him by the lockers, then accepting some skin tips/moisturizer from Kurt, which is the gay equivalent of going steady. Kurt isn’t going to let some pesky heterosexuality get in the way of his goals.

Mr. Schue sings a mash-up of “Young Girl” and “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” to Rachel (as Emma also comes along for the ride.) The performance is actually one of the best Matthew Morrison has had all season, including some positively “Billy Elliot” inspired dance moves:

Of course, this performance has the opposite effect. Both girls are more in love with Will now than ever. Didn’t Rachel understand the message? “It means I’m very young and it’s hard for you to stand close to me.” Hilares Perhaps he should have tried rapping to them. Surely, they both would have fleed from his life for good.

And oh snap: Susie Pepper is back.

Kurt join Finn in going through old things in their attic. They bond over lost parents. Finn puts on his army father’s blazer and tie and looks like the cover of a J. Crew catalog. Finn calls himself out for being a coward, not being able to tell Quinn’s parents about the baby. Kurt assures him that even his father fought with a weapon, and Finn should go prepared. With a gun? No, a weapon better than that… Finn’s voice. It becomes clear at this moment that Finn is probably going to die.

Rachel stalks will to his house, where Mrs. Schuester is taking full advantage of her crush and making her clean the toilet. It’s the first time all season we’ve actually respected Will’s wife. Will takes Rachel home, where she sits in the backseat of his car and begins singing one of our fave jamz of all time, “Crush.” She’s is song-blocked 1 lyric in.

Peppers threatens Rachel. Why is Peppers allowed back in school? Ryan Murphy, enlighten me.

Mercedes heads over to rehearse with Puck, and she doesn’t even have the respect to hang up the phone in front of the hottest guy in school. She eventually tells him that the Glee Club is going to sing a song to Quinn and Finn to show their undying support for their love. Puck turns into a charity thermometer and explodes, revealing that it is he, in fact, who inseminated our fruitful cheerleader. And guess what? Mercedes tells him it doesn’t matter! And to back off! Plot tweeeuuuhst!

It’s dinner time in the Wasp Nest. The mean guy from Big is probably wasted. Finn goes to the b-room, but only briefly, lest they think he decided to sing another song in there and crap out a 3-foot-long poo rope. Song time!

Secret is out. Sh*t, meet fan. Commercial break, Luke Wilson for AT&T? Sure. Back to the show.

Here is where the show takes an emotional turn. Quinn’s parents, who are the McDowells to the McCains, perch themselves on their country floral sofa while her father tells a sweet story of Quinn as a little girl, sleeping in his arms at a football stadium. He then takes all those warm, fuzzy feelings, and throws them in a death camp wheelbarrow, throwing both Finn AND Quinn out of the house for good. On Intervention, this is what we refer to as “rock bottom.” She calls her Mom out for being weak and eternally WASPy. This line really got us, spoken by her father:

“Who are you? I don’t recognize you at all.”

Ya cut me deep, Mr. Fabray. Ya cut me real deep. She has 30 minutes to pack, and then she’s flying. Luckily, Mrs. Hudson, Finn’s mom, welcomes Quinn into the house with open arms. Thus ending after-school special moment #1 of 594 (or 2).

Susie Pepper tells Rachel to forget about Schue, because he is unattainable, and a nice patch for their self-esteem issues. It reads almost too real for me personally, so I’ll just glide over this moment by saying, good on you, Susie Pepper, for molding your insanity into something for good. They always say psychiatrists are the actual crazies themselves, and here we see why.

Rachel and Teach work their issues out. It’s a little cliche, so we’d rather speed ahead to our fave part of the show…

THE LEAN ON ME ENDINGGGG! Say what you will about the overuse of this song, we can’t even hear you, because we are crying and swaying and praising the Lord and clutching our chests and pointing at the sky and it’s hard to hear over all of that:

And because he was sorely missed in this episode, a Bonus Puck Screengrab, judging all of you:

Thoughts on the episode? We’ve pretty much loved every one since the hiatus. Let us know in the comments. You can watch the entire episode here.

Wondering what to send long lost family members in the mail this holiday season? How about the above photo of 50 Cent and 3 random babies? Those of you out there inspired to do so can even add a little inscription on the back: “Curtis and the kids sending you a big hug this holiday season.” Or something along those lines. Your family will think you got with a famous rapper! And for the first time in their lives, they’ll be proud of you.

And no, we literally have no explanation for the above photo. Care to offer us one?

(YBF via ONTD)

How cute… we hope they do enroll him so he can wear his “GOAT TEAM” sweatshirt.

These are images taken following the spat between Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan, a fight that fellow blogger Dan Hopper had the b’s (balls) to say was “Fake.”

But I’m not so convinced. Look at the way the fah-head blood seems to just drip like so, a human Jackson Pollock canvas dotted with a blond ’stache. The way the blood on the shirt is oozing out like one of the bullet-riddled extras in Boyz n The Hood. The above Zombie Hulk Hogan is actually so strangely beautiful that it must be the work of the divine, and not Hogan’s wrestling entourage. At least, that’s what we’d like to believe this holiday season.

More pics ahead.

But their assault on our senses is not over. EW’s Michael Slezak brings us their next ad in their series of “Let Me Just Roast My Eyeballs Like Marshmallows Because I Don’t Know What Else To Do With Them” campaign, this time featuring TINY BABY BUNBUNS AT A CARNIVAL. It is one hare (cue this) shy of being possibly the best thing we have ever witnessed. They spin round in small cups, pose for photos, RIDE UNICYCLES, play bumpercars…. Bless the lottery, for ruining some lives, and improving countless other ones.

ME RIGHT NOW:

I can’t handle it.