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[Photos via Getty]

The Whipsnade Zoo in England is run by romantics, if nothing else. And even though it’s a solid 4 days before Valentine’s Day, they were kind enough to give their Valentine’s out a little early. For example, here is a baby Egyptian tortoise who lives on a nickel enjoying his Valentine’s day treat: A strawberry the size of the Chrysler Building (relatively speaking of course). This turtle is going to need some time… alone.

They got a little more formal with their Valentine for this saki monkey:

A card? A card for a monkey? I hope the zooworkers like their return Valentine: Sh*t flung from a distance of about 15 feet. (But really, what could possibly be in that envelope?! I hope it’s a certificate for a free small animal massage. Or a check for $20. Or fruit leather.)

Ahead, a follow-up to the turtle valentine...

Seriously, next time tackle “Ni**as In Paris.” It would be “OFF THE HOOK,” as an old white person such as myself would say. Things get amazing at 1:43: Also they’re going to the Grammys.

But I gotta be honest… none of the dudes looked like this:

Or this:

Yes, an Israeli fashion magazine called BelleMode has decided to piss… mm.. yup, everybody in Jerusalem off by staging this photoshoot of Ultraorthodox Jewish models looking sssuper sexxxy while riding on a bus in scant, sheer clothing.

Sure, somewhere my grandparents are rolling over in their graves, but camman… it’s a fine day when we can ogle hot Jews who might not be allowed to touch each other. More photos ahead and A BONUS OPRAH PHOTO (it will all be explained):

And finally, Oprah and some Jews! An amazing story: Oprah dined with some Orthodox Jews in Brooklyn who had no idea who she is. Oprah had a great time and then immediately had them all deported obviously. It’s all for an upcoming OWN special about Oprah and Orthos airing this Sunday. The article is written by Rachel Shukert, so it’s also hilarious. WORTH YOUR TIME. “You don’t know who Shrek is?” Exactly.

[Gawker/Guy Gomel]

PUPPIES

Yes, puppy-backing off of the success of Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl,” Conan presents an all new format of his TBS late night talk show… Puppy Conan. Just a puppy in a wig is all. It sounds so simple, and yet the results are so spectacular. There’s even a tiny Puppy Andy! He can’t stop sniffing his own ass, just like the real Andy.

Not going to lie, these puppies have nothing on Jimmy Fallon’s Puppy Predictor, but still, a worthy video to spend your time on.

(via Team Coco)

This is the kind of optical illusion I want to put in my purse and look at alone while riding the bus. Just a paper cat face smiling through a bag with a big ol’ real cat body. I sent this photo to my parents because I do things like that, and my mother said in response “I bet the real cat has a much more beautiful face than the cat foot cat.” Once again, ruining something I love. Thanks Mom!

(via Reddit/imgur)

Want to make hipsters feel less self-conscious about how hard they’re trying to look their parents? Slap a little RAP MUSIC ON THAT SH*T. Some genius on Youtube (LOL, everyone on Youtube is a genius) decided to combine the slow-motion footage from every Wes Anderson movie ever with some Ja Rule. Give your horn-rimmed glasses a buffing and crack open a 40 because you’re about to feel like a boss.

(via Uproxx and The Cajun Boy)

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I’m proud to say I was the first person to make this video viral oh so long ago. It’s quite a story. If you ever meet me, be sure to ask.

Sure, everyone is making a big fuss about the latest Bourne installment, The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner in lieu of our rugged hero Matt Damon. But IIII’m going to STICK MY NECK OUT on THIS ONE and say that producers made a big mistake not hiring Bela Lugosi for the part of Jason Bourne.

I mean think about it: A fearless assassin, trained with the utmost precision, who is also a freaky looking old school vampire. Pamela Landy pulls the top secret file out of her drawer, with a stamp on it labeled ‘BLEDSTONE.’ Wanting to catch him, but also strangely… drawn to him. I believe this is what we industry people call “$$$$$.”

Plus, Lugosi’s been gearing up for the part his whole life. Sorry Renner, but I think we’d all rather “Lugosi” this version. No? Just me? Not even me? OK.

Alcohol.

Yes, the easiest way to “chip the ice” with a next-door neighbor is to randomly show up, drink in hand, and ply them with whatever sizzling concoction you threw together in your bathtub. Laughter will be up, inhibitions down, and then you can slowly approach the topic that brought you over there in the first place: “Could you please stop leaving your used diaper genie bags under my welcome mat?” It works, I promise.

Now, I can’t take credit for this idea. No, I actually picked this helpful tip up from hilarious comedian and friend Katina Corrao, who has been trying to get past my front door for years now. It’s never worked… until today. In this latest installment of her web series “The Good Neighbor Minute” Katina fools me into letting her into my home, drinking a random mixture of liquids, wearing an unflattering pirate’s costume (burning it), and eventually, shattering my good martini glass. But she’s just so lovable, you can’t fault her! (Katina, you can click here to replace that glass.)

By the way, I think we’re both pretty fantastic actresses. Someone tweet this to @Spielberg please and thank you.

Well, it’s happened: Lindsay Lohan has finally turned that corner. At the age of 25, it’s official: She looks worse than Woody Allen. And no one is more unimpressed than our favorite expressionless child-bride in New York, Soon-Yi Previn.

Yes, Lindsay showed up at last night’s amFAR Gala dressed in all white and with a blonde hairstyle and bangs that, instead of covering up her exhaustion, service as a Photoshop “outer glow” helping to highlight how old she looks.

Click to see a close-up on Lindsay’s look.

SHE IS 25.

But I’m not going to lie: I do enjoy the idea of Woody Allen thinking up excuses to get away from her.

“Uh, Lindsay, gee, I’m, uh, so sorry. My, you know, I… I left the oven on in the apartment. Oh, I love to cook. Me? Oh. Big cook. Chef even.” Wow, even my written Woody Allen impression sucks. #newlow

[Photos: Getty Images]

Ayyyyyayayayayayayay. Someone gave their rabbit a bath and he turned into Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Now, I’ve never owned a rabbit myself, so I don’t know the rules of their grooming habits. But according to many a-commenter over at Reddit, where the photo originated from, bathing your rabbit can cause really, really bad things to happen to it. I’m talking Gremlins bad.

Now, I don’t want to bring up the “d” word in this post (death) because that photo is so cute why ruin it?! But just as a warning to the readers whom we care about dearly, don’t wash your rabbits, because you will get a cute internet photo out of it but they might get tiny pneumonia as a result.

That being said HE SO SKINNY AND JUST WANTS TO SLOW DANCE. I will gladly warm him up in the hood of my sweatshirt and fill it with so many carrots this rabbit will actually start to worry that he really did drop d.

2. Immerse your cat in water. Make sure the water is not too hot but definitely icy cold. Also support your little guy in the bucket so that it doesn’t drown.

3. I SAID SUPPORT HIM IN THE BUCKET.

4. Now, add soap to the water. Be sure to hold a delicious meat treat over the cats head to ensure his ears stay dry.

5. Throw the delicious treat in the garbage. This cat has a weight problem. We’ve been meaning to say something for a while now.

6. Rinse your little guy off and dry him with towel, making sure to get his ears.

7. Rinse your cat off, give him a good blow dry, and voila! Not only is your cat sparkling clean… he’s also really pissed. Well done!

(via Reddit)

The man has a body of a god. A dolphin god. One with flipper feet and hands that could turn any sandwich into a panini in under 30 seconds. So kudos to Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo for picking 14-time gold medalist (!!!) Phelps to be the body of their new campaign. And my oh my, what a body this man has. It’s like one of those 3-D paintings, where if you stare at it long enough, other forms start to appear. And if you stare really long, you can almost see the wilting Beauty And The Beast rose.

Also kudos to Head & Shouldersfor having the brilliance for allowing him to lather up and shower for our viewing pleasure. It’s completely not creepy at all but you should probably scroll through it on your own, pretending he’s beside you. In the darkness, you’ll feel his arms around you. And when you lose your way you’ll close your eyes and he has found you.

Let’s watch him take a shower together, yes?

Here he is putting dandruff shampoo into his pizza paddle hands:

Now he’s lathering up, completely unaware of the cameras…

He actually looks kind of handsome here. (I’ve been doing a tequila shot for every photo, FYI.)

Now, the rinse:

GOD I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THE SUMMER OLYMPICS EVERYONE.

[Photos: Getty]

Today might seem like any other day to you. But to human grizzly bear Nick Nolte, today marks the 71st year of his existence on Earth. And all things considered, he looks like your average 71 year old man who has lived at once both the easiest and roughest life one can hope for. Looking at Nolte now, it’s hard to imagine that there was a tie where he was HOT AS SH*T.

Oh… but there was. Back in the day, Nolte could get it. In fact, he could pretty much get it up untillll 1994′s I Love Trouble. (Also, I hear what you’re saying right now, and yes, even hot homeless Nick Nolte in Down And Out In Beverly Hills could get it.) Sure, these days Nick Nolte looks like something I would find on my foot after a hike, but guys, it’s his birthday! Let’s remember the good young days, when his jeans were tight and his mustache barely combed.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK NOLTE!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Yes, it seems that we have ALL as a movie-going public been duped. Because see there isn’t just one Jason Bourne. Oh no. This is the CIA people, come on, do you think they’d be that stupid as to limit the part of a billion-dollar franchise to one actor I mean agent? Of course not. There are many Jason Bourne’s to go around. And in Jeremy Renner, they have perhaps found their worst enemy. Because, as you’ll soon see in this trailer, the first from the film, this Bourne doesn’t make any mistakes, unlike those other Bournes who once used to mop sh*t up at MIT. Nope, this born can make a house explode with the handle of a fire hydrant and not even know how! Science? Maybe. But I think it has a little something to do with David Strathairn (who is thankfully back.)

Oh yeah, the other thing: None of the evil people from the other Bourne movies ever paid any sort of price, apparently, because they’re all back to work as usual, Treadstoning and what not. Long trilogy story longer, it goes without saying this movie will no doubt live up to the others, because after watching it, I took an ice bath while listening to the Inception soundtrack (a good thing!)

Also Ed Norton. The movie comes out August 3, 2012, which means you will have only this trailer to fantasize about until then. You’re welcome!

Ahead, a first look at the film’s poster. It’s very The Talented Mr. Ripley… perhaps another nod to the original Bourne.

How does your cat go to the toilet? Because if it’s anything as dignified as this cat, sounds to me like your cat could easily be elected to PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Look at how handsome this guy is. How evolved. I can almost picture Robert Redford using the facilities in much the same way, maybe while reading the United States Constitution.

But if you think this cat looks classy now, just wait until you see what he looks like when dressed up like the Monopoly Man, ahead.

Yes, the brilliant users at Reddit decided this little guy didn’t seem fully finished without the classic accessories a dandy cat such as this deserves. Monocle… top hat…

But really, I have never seen anything this classy in my whole life. Get this little bastard some mustard, stat.

(via Reddit)

Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted looking handsome when arriving at the Tegel International Airport in Berlin, Germany. But what’s that we see? In his hand? Looks like a tiny yellow floral bouquet. Hmm… where could Jake have picked up such a delicate gathering of flora? Just who could have handed him such a gentle yet manly arrangement?

You will never believe the answer… find out ahead.

Splash News doesn’t identify who this man is, so we can only assume the obvious: This is Jake’s #1 German fan and clearly not anyone related to him.

Good news for both parties… looks like the flowers worked:

CUTE.

As the incomparable Richard Lawson put it, it’s like a fun celebrity version of “Where’s Waldo Minute Kristen Wiig.” Click on the above version to count up how many of the nominees you can recognize. I counted 21 plus the Gold Man himself. I also gave myself a headache looking at it. Win/win!

Those of you too lazy/blind to go through the entire list, we’ll save you the trouble and post the only thing worth noting:

The internet is such a vast vacuum of opinion and information, many times it feels like an endless succubus of time and energy. But once in a rare while, the winds of trend will meet in the middle of these infinite digital abyss and form something truly special. This is one of those times.

Here is Lana Del Rey’s “Hunger Games” as performed by Holly Laurent.

It proves a few things:

1. Almost anyone can sound like Lana Del Rey if they put they’re mind to it.
2. I want to legitimately listen to this song on my personal music listening device, and I don’t care if you judge me.*
3. A pita is a pouch of bread, but that’s his name.
4. *Of course I care.

(The Fab Life has got all the lyrics, for those interested.)

Here is Beyonce at the after-party for husband and baby daddy Jay-Z’s Carnegie Hall show last night. It’s the first time we’ve seen her since she “had” the “baby.” I’m kidding, of course, she “did” have the baby! And she looks stunning. It’s a look that combined some flattering ruching with a side of Tom Spanx.

But seriously… did she stuff her underwear with some extra padding RuPaul style to pull of that fit mama look? I mean, I can gain 10 pounds in 2 days if the price was right. (That price being zero dollars.) In other words, let the conspiracy theories begin! HOW DOES THIS WOMAN LOOK THIS GOOD?

Another photo ahead. She’s certainly glowing!

BAFTA is an acronym that stands for The Oscars Of England The British Academy of Film and Television Arts, and this Sunday, they’ll be giving out their film and TV annual awards in London (with Miss Piggy presiding as the red carpet host).

To prep for the ceremony and perfect the celebrity seating arrangement, BAFTA organizers have created a giant Guess Who? gameboard in the audience. So, for example:

“Does your person have short orange hair?
Yes.
Does your person look like a heavenly iridescent gecko?
Yes.
Is it Tilda Swinton?”

“Does your person have a beard?
No.
Does your person exude sexual lightning boats from his tip?
Yes.
Does your person visit me nightly in my dreams, while stroking the sweat off my forehead and cradling me close to his heartbeat, softly singing Whitney Houston’s ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ in my ear?
Um…
Is it Brad Pitt?”

You get the idea! Now you play!

Well this weekend, on behalf of Conan O’Brien and TBS, Billy headed over to Indianapolis to find out the general “street temperature” (not a thing) on Madonna, High Empress Of Halftime. It’s kind of a shame that these words even have to go before this video, because honestly, it’s wasting valuable blog space when really all anyone cares about is watching Billy scream at regular people, Giants cheerleaders, and eventually, SUPERBOWL WINNERS the NY GIANTS themselves.

Billy Eichner is brilliant and I bet also has a beautiful singing voice. Enjoy.

I often tell the personal trainer who doesn’t come over to my house because he is fiction, “You know who I want to look like? The poster boy for the Bodies Exhibit. Lean, fit, healthy… that guy is allllright.” I then look in the mirror and realize I’ve Mrs. Doubtfired my face in mashed potatoes again and Thanksgiving is ruined.

Point is, if only there was a way to look like the Bodies Exhibit corpses without actually dying in China 2,000 years ago. And now… there is. Australian clothing store Black Milk Clothing is offering up these muscles leggings for a cool 75 Australian dollars, a bargain, when you consider how expensive it is to get live-skinned these days.

The best part about these leggings? They completely mask camel toe:

(via Buzzfeed)

A man after my own heart, 50-year-old Hu Han-yan in Tai Pei, is celebrating the Lunar New Year this year in a way the friendless 12-year-old version of me could only dream of: By getting Hello Kitty shaved into his head. The reason? To cheer up his elderly father (seen above, cheered.)

Hu Han-yan has turned into something of a local celebrity, and had this to say to the local news:

“I feel like I’m a star now,” said Hu Han-yan, who added that he has to trim his hair every five days to keep his “Hello Kitty” in tip-top condition.

“Next time, I might try a different iconic pattern, such as Doraemon [a popular Japanese manga cartoon character] or SpongeBob SquarePants [a US cartoon character], so long as I can amuse my father,” said Hu Han-yan.

A SpongeBob SquarePants fade? Honestly, that might be too overstimulating for pops. I wouldn’t risk it Hu.

Also, I’d be insane to not include the most Asian sentence I read today:

Hu Han-yan has been dubbed by some local media outlets as “a modern Lao Lai-tzu (老萊子),” alluding to an elderly character in The Book of 24 Filial Pieties (二十四孝) renowned for dressing up as a baby to amuse his parents.

Oh, sentence. Can’t wait for you to become a dream of mine in 5 months that sends me straight to therapy.

More photos ahead.

You can also check out authentic not-in-English video footage of these fellas here.

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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to tell someone you love them. And according to the high end UK department store Waitrose, you might consider doing this by saying “You C*nt.” That’s exactly what their Valentine’s Day window sign says to do, anyway. Due to a hilariously placed pillar in the way, the words “You Count” have been live-action CGI’d into the worst curse word ever unless you are Jane Fonda on The Today Show or a little girl on The Today Show.

[Photo: Splash]

“The Lion King Bounce” is a new tune by an artist named Mr. Ghetto. It’s kind of like “The Lion Theme” theme song, only with a LOT more ass. There’s so much ass in this video that it will give you asspergers syndrome. It’s safe to say that if you know someone who likes The Lion King and loves “ass,” you’ve got yourself a viral winner here.

Let’s have a frank discussion about the ads that ran during last night’s Super Bowl XLVI. In the words of any one of the Beastie Boys, they were “aight.” No shocks, no surprises, most of them were leaked online prior to the game anyway, Matthew Broderick. And really, we don’t care about serious beer commercials or ads about mid-size sedans that will make you feel like more of a man. Nope, there’s only one thing we give the merest ess about: ANIMAL ADS.

There were some highs and lows, but at the party I was at, any time an animal appeared on the giant flatscreen, someone would scream “DOG AD” and the room would fall silent. The dog ads did not disappoint! You know why? Because there were f*cking awesome dogs in it, that’s why. Take note, advertisers: If you want a roomful of non-football fans who are mainly watching the Super Bowl to witness Madonna’s Halftime acrobatic dance moves to stop dead in their tracks and pay attention, PUT A DOG IN YOUR AD. (Or David Beckham.)

So without further a-doo (dog joke), here are all the Superbowl Dog Ads + David Beckham and other animal bonuses. Our apologies to the Coca-Cola Polar Bears who didn’t make the cut, because, boring.

1. Fat Dog Loses Weight To Chase Fad Car. This Volkswagen ad was a real crowd pleaser, because, hello, fat dogs = where do I sign? (My petition for pro-dog-obesity.) Though my party co-horts and I couldn’t help but notice that not only does this dog lose weight, but he actually CHANGES BREEDS. That’s the power of an adorable car originally designed for the Third Reich, I guess.

2. Stubby Dog Wears Sneakers, Wins Race. You might be noticing a theme to last night’s Dog Ads: DOG FITNESS. This one wins in my book because I am an idiot who loves a dog in a sensible shoe.

3. Rescue Dog Gets People Wasted On Light Beer. While I don’t support the idea of dog beer slavery, this ad is pretty cute.

4. Dog Kills Cat, Bribes Local Idiot. Doritos will make an average man do above average lying, is the message I walked away from with this ad.

5. DAVID BECKHAM IN UNDERWEAR. I like the suggestive “hole punch” in his name. Also big ups to H&M for keeping him silent.

For all these commercials and more, Buzzfeed has posted them all for your viewing pleasure.

Well, it’s happened America!! Rolling Stone is reporting that American Idol runner-up and favorite person to drink on-camera martinis with, Adam Lambert, has announced that he is going to be replacing the late Freddie Mercury as the lead singer of Queen.

Here’s what Adam had to say about the news:

The intention is to pay tribute to Freddie and the band by singing some f*cking great songs. It’s to keep the music alive for the fans and give it an energy that Freddie would’ve been proud of.

It’s a decision that, while surprising, shouldn’t ruffle too many oversized feather vests. Look, no one can replace Mercury, and that goes double for his mustache. But Lambert’s vocal abilities are certainly up to the challenge for Queen’s passionate repertoire. For example, 99 percent of people who attempt to sing Queen usually end the night on laying on the floor while nursing multiple burst bloodvessels in their foreheads. But Lambert is like a singing version of the chestburster in Alien. The man has no limitations. And what better way to expose his gift to his own fans as well as those of Queen’s than by merging the two?

So while this news will may rub a few Queen fans the wrong way (one brings to mind Arnel Pineda, Steve Perry’s replacement in Journey), I say we should be thankful that there’s another person out there with the vocal ability required to carry on Mercury’s legend while throwing in his own unique twist. (ie Lots of exposed tongue, more eye-makeup, 3x as much thrusting.)

Let’s also take a moment to remember that Lambert actually auditioned for Idol way back when with “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and did the song beautiful justice. Who would have guessed that 3 years later he’d be the LEAD SINGER OF QUEEN???

Click here to listen to Lambert singing a “Show Must Go On/We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” medley with Brian May and Roger Taylor at the 2011 MTV EMAs in Belfast, Ireland.

You can also check out Adam’s brand new music video for “Better Than I Know Myself” over at VH1 Tuner.

UPDATE I: VH1 has gone ahead and DEBUNKED this rumor. You were all right, I was wrong. I guess that’s what I get for trusting the world’s most famous music magazine, Rolling Stone. You can finally go to sleep again!

UPDATE II: Ahead, we have Exclusive VH1 Video of Adam discussing his collaboration with Queen. “There’s more things happening with Queen, that’s all I can say…” For those of you doubters out there.